This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy: you are in my thoughts and prayers and tomorrow is Thursday and I will hold you in my praying heart! You have been on my mind all day!
And also today: I started individual counseling (again) and a meditation group. I admit to being "relieved" that my brother has left and is on his way home. My mom looks so much better now that she isn't fearing he is going to put her into a nursing home. Even her caregiver called me tonight to tell me that.
And my mom was excited because I got my certificate from Sigma Alpha Lambda (honor society). My mom is very supportive of my schooling and this honor was achieved during the worst year of my life (my Dad died the second week I was at the university and it was a long, long year).
I agree that I have to look at many things re: cutting back on my units for the Spring, 2012. I do appreciate the input. And you are right, Rossellamex, I do have to think of MY future and have MY life apart from my mom's. You are so right on with my therapist today (you're hired!!!).
I am tired ... traffic was brutal during the rain ... going to get some sleep now.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers and newbies ... I just joined a few weeks ago and I feel so welcomed and was embraced into this family. We are NOT alone and this group is the best.
Thank you all for being my friends,
SDPeg
Ladee..I am looking in mirror..sometimes it is just frustrating. Hate being in a funk... Oh well today will be better.
Stormy.. Hope answers come your way today.. No knowing is worse in my opinion.
Love to all
My morning is sunny, getting warmer and hopefully will be a good day! Drinking coffee and don't have a care in the world until 4pm when the care giver leaves...:)
Whenever any form of dementia sets in, the judgement and decision making skills go right out the window. I think that's why we have such a difficult time trying to get changes to work with our loved ones. For example, the col is so used to seeing the tv screen as rather blurry so all I hear is "I can see it just fine, I don't need glasses". Or "I don't need to wear glasses to read"....is that why you don't read the paper anymore? You refuse to wear glasses? Or "I can walk just fine when you help, I don't need to use a cane".....when it's obvious that using the cane helps her balance tremendously. Sometimes I think that brain cell that controls stubborn behavior is the last to go.......
That being said....I need to remind the care giver to take the glasses out of the case and to use the cane.
I hope everyone has a great day.............stormy let us know what you find out.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
re: my brother's visit: thank you ALL for asking how that went. When I returned from school one evening (his first day here) mom, brother, girlfriend were in garage/driveway preparing to take mom out to dinner. I waved as I drove in, g/f waved back, as I was turning my car off and getting out brother and g/f physically turned their backs to me and were in conversation about something. Shunning? I thought so. So I came into the house without saying a word to them. I can take a message. Then mom couldn't find her car key. He asked "where does she normally keep it?" Are you kidding? She is 84 years old with cognition problems. There IS no normal place for keys, right? My response: "What is normal for yesterday is not always normal for today." And that was the ONLY conversation (if you call it that) that he and I had the whole time he was here. Another incident was that mom, again, couldn't find her house keys (separate from the car key I found that evening) and he was livid that I had a key, wasn't going anywhere that Sunday, and mom had to ring the doorbell to get back in. He was upset I stayed in my room during his visit (which wasn't very long as they would just come by to pick mom up and go out). I did hear that he was saying I was "avoiding" him one day this week...what? I was at school sitting in class that has nothing to do with him.
Mom had a great time while they were here. Knowing she was fearful that he came out here to put her into a nursing home, she is relieved he and g/f are gone. Obviously anyone would be thankful for that. I am staying home today (one class was cancelled and God knows I am tired and need some rest) and this should be pleasant without the distraction of his judgmental attitude. He complained to my sister there is no food in this house (what??? Is he kidding?) and sister called mom and mom said that I am taking really good care of her, bending over back ward for her, providing and preparing food for her, and still maintaining my studies. When I got home last night, mom thanked me for everything I have been doing and said she never would make it without me. Those words keep one going, right? The thanks ... amidst the brother drama ... makes it all worth it.
Thyroid is the problem, she has rx for it (increased her previous one) and time will tell. Appt end of the month will be fun as mom looks so good these days (ha ha after brother left). Even the caregiver called me last night to tell me that mom was different from last week (anxiety to happy in one week...we all should be so lucky).
When brother was here I put out Ensure to take with them while dining out and he didn't take it. He was in denial a couple of years ago when he visited and my dad was doing poorly (and died 7 months later) so maybe brother just lives his life in denial. Obviously he does NOT care to ensure (pun intended) that my mom's health is optimum. Yes he did know she has to take it ... I emailed him among others a month ago. He didn't like that email either. Oh well, not my problem. But I consciously chose to NOT be his target, stay in my room, go to school and avoid him and g/f especially after the initial contact and they shunned me. I am all by myself with no one to protect me from the evils of this world and so I protected myself and am a better person for it.
Breakfast is later today because I am not going to school and I hear mom up so thanks for the prayers, support, and following up with this issue.
I appreciate it!!! Peg
Oh, and the mysterious, foul odors, that appear out of no where. I have heard every excuse, from the air vent, outside air or someone stepped in dog poop. I know he has fecal incontinanace, so why he would want to sit in his filth, is beyond me. He will slowly sneak to the bathroom, clean himself off and still wear the same underwear.
Oh, and the collection of spit bottles with tobacco, lovely. I am sooooooooooooo beyond grossed out that I really think I am going crazy.
All day, I hear gagging, hacking and spitting. It begins at 6 am.
I know he is sick, but he does not have dementia; he is just disgusting.
Sorry, to ramble on............I have cared for several people and I don't ever remember being this stressed out!!!!
Stormy I hope you get the news you want today keep us updated on Daddy.
Ladee check your post office box .. your box is there I just checked YIPEE hope you like your stuff ...
Anyway its cold I am going to relax with mom and chill out .. talk to ya'll later ....huggles and kitten kisses from Starr
I am interested in your ornaments when you are reading to post them. I love your website ... easy to navigate.
Stormy: I am literally on pins and needles for you! I can't wait to hear what news you receive today. We are all here for you.
Breakfast is a little late today because I did not go to school. Morning class was cancelled (Prof ill) and it is raining and afternoon class is ok to skip now and then as it is credit/no credit and I have a high grade and need only a C for credit. I am still in pajamas ... whew ... feels so good to lounge for a change. But must get mom up soon to eat and start our day. I just wanted some time to myself this morning. I know you ALL can relate to that.
Praying for all of us,
SDPeg
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Lynn,
Happy Birthday to you!
Hope you have a great day and do some good things for yourself. If ! was near I would take you out for a meal!
((((((((hugs))))))
jo
Sitting in their own excrement and/or urine is really not an unusual thing when they have mental issues and I'm beginning to either suspect that is what is going on with your FIL, or else he just likes to gross you out. Where is your husband in this? Will FIL allow someone to help him in the bathroom? It may be time to hire someone to help out so you aren't faced with all this grossness daily.
Time for an afternoon nap...........will check back later.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
it does sound like fil may have some mental health issues - beyond the alcoholism (read the question you asked)
as jam asked - where is you hubby in this - maybe he can help get some positive changes made -
hate it when your own home life is so unpleasant - are you able to escape and get some YOU time?
do come back and vent more
hugs
jo
Hope u r benefitting from ur counselling and group. Sometimes they can be so very helpful. I can understand arguments both ways re your studies - full time or part time. Wishng you peace in arriving at the decision that is right for you.
((((((hugs)))))
jo
Hope all is well and hope Lynn feels our hugs ... I know I feel yours!
Love this group!!!
SDPeg
breaks are great and missing the odd class does not hurt a good student at all
the 75% solution sounds good
nap and fav tv shows sounds good to me right now too
love and hugs
jo
Love ya Jo!!!!
SDPeg
luv ya 2
jo
stormy (((hugs to ya))) hope you got news on your dad.
sdpeg I know what you mean about going to school. I went back to school in '08 for a certificate program. I was basically a full-time student plus I was working part-time and some days I was working an 8hr shift or more and helping my husband with grandma. I managed to graduate in my program with high honors. I didn't miss school unless it had something to do with going out of town for work related issues and there was a vacation planned in there somewhere. You have to do what's best for you and take time to yourself. I like the idea of going 75%.
Welcome to all the new posters here.
I went for my emg today. Those things hurt, well the first part didn't the nerve study but the second part they stick tiny needles in the muscle and ouch. I've got neuropathy in my leg where they harvest the veins to put in my heart. For those that don't know I had a heart attack and triple by pass surgery in April. I'm back to work full-time and just dealing with the nerve pain. I go back to my dr on Monday to see what's next.
Hope everyone has a good night and hugs to you all.
dgrey, welcome to our thread, hope you come back and visit....
SDPeg, glad you feel good about how thing were with you and your brother...... sometimes saying nothings speaks volumes....
emjo, I know this is a hard week for you, but know you are being thought about and in my prayers.... let us know if we can help in any way....
Stormy, any news???
Jam, isn't there a Dionne Warwick song about just "Keep Smiling", I know some one sang a song like that , just don't remember who.... Maybe it was Al Greene, no, not him, anyway, hugs to you....
Seeme Sue, am missing you bunches, hope you are putting one foot in front of the other....but taking time to feel feelings, love and hugs to you....
Shawna, will go to the PO tomorrow, was already home and in my comfy clothes, didn't feel like getting dressed and going back out...... I'll let you know as soon as I get my stuff.... can't wait.... hugs
Vic, you will be glad to know I have made the decision to start working on accepting Marie for who and what she is, and coming up with ways to deal with her.... I am so attached to Sonny, and do not want to miss the opportunity to be with this wonderful little man, he is teaching me so much...... Today him and I cleaned windows... I was bored out of my mind, so started on the windows, he came out and asked if he could help,,, well sure you can..... we had a ball, and even the dwarf Grumpy had a smile on her face... He was so proud, did a great job, one of his Alz, quirks is OCD, there was not one streak on those windows when we got done.......Sometimes it is hard to find things for him to do, but if it is just him and I he will help with laundry, WILL NOT fold panties tho.....he helps carry out the trash, bring the laundry baskets to the laundry room, we call it "guy work"...... no, I am just going to learn to deal with Marie, I would miss Sonny too bad, and until the next time I am bitching about Marie, ya'll can remind me I stay for my relationship with Sonny.....
Ro, any changes in your job situation???? I hope so, I know things are hard for you right now.... something will come your way..... God knows you need a good break here soon... love ya....
Mis, I love to go to flea markets and yard sales, come on down and we'll have a girls day.... my last girls day was back in March after I had my leg broken, my friend came in from down home, and we stayed up till all hours talking and laughing..... need another one of those....
We aren't laughing near enough to suite me , so I feel a "Ladee is going to start getting stupid" coming on.......for the new folks, well, it's just the way I am, so if it gets offensive, just pass my posts on by,,,,,,no harm intended, just been at this so long that I know how important laughter is.... got an email from a friend tonite and laughed so hard I had to call her... reminds when I called Seeme to hook up my internet..... most relaxed I've been in 47 forevers.......
I know I missed someone... just say hey Ladee, what about me...... so love and hugs to you all this evening.....
Cmag. hope you had a good day today, got that "man cave" finished yet?????
Dr said that their are two types of fluid you can get from your lungs. (water and protein fluid) He said that when you have water(fluid) it could mean that you have congestive heart failure, kidney and liver problems. And he said that when you have (protein fluid) it could mean that you have pneumonia or cancer. Dr said that dad had protein in his fluid. And he said that he is just concerned with dad having the swollen lymph nodes and then finding the protein in the fluid that it could mean that the cancer has come back in a different area. And that he wanted to do a pet scan and then he could make a better dx of what is going on. Well me and sis told him that he just had a pet done in july or august and that we had it at home and we could go get it. So he said that would be fine. Then he was talking about the lymph nodes in his chest determining where they are located - he said that if they are in the middle of his chest between the lungs he would like to go and i guess have a biospy done of them. To see what it showed. So i think that was about all that he said if i think of anything else i will post to ya'll. Kinda in a weird mood today and i think i am getting sick with a cold. Just tired. I guess all this worrying wears the body down i suppose. Just wanted to let ya'll know what went on today. Thank you for all the prayers. Love ya'll all Stormyyyyyyyyyyyy
I took a nap today instead of going to the county fair with Kathy. Did a stupid thing a couple of n ights ago....used an arched ottoman as a footstool in mom's room while I was dusting and fell. Barked all my toes on her armoire, hit my back on the arm of a stuffed chair, landed with my right arm supporting me up off the floor.....had to fall the rest of the way to get out of the predicament I was in. Felt more sore today than yesterday. Showed hubby how it happened and he tried to turn it into a lesson....what have I learned....yadda, yadda....I wanted to make him as sore as I was!!!
Been waiting for Stormy to post.....hope she got some news.....whatever kind....she may realize that any news is better than none.
Been waiting for Ladee to get stupid funny.......don't know why it has taken so long..go for it girl!!!!
Will check back later....got to price some more things.....found 2 pair of slacks that still had the store price tags on them......that woman loved her clothes....too bad she didn't wear them all...........
Love you all, please keep posting......
Well, I just got to clean up the daily "blow-out" and thought I would post one more time tonight.
Hope you had a terrific Birthday Lynn! I love birthdays because I get to turn 29 year after year after year.......................:)
ladee.....I'm not sure about the "Smiling" song, but years ago when Bobby Brown came out with the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song we used it to do CPR with...:) Had a great beat.....when I taught CPR courses I would play it for the students. Then American Heart increased the rate and we couldn't find an appropriate song........thought you might like that little bit of trivia....:)
stormy???????????????????????????????????
That's about as boring as one can get tonight, so I hope it's a peaceful night for everyone.....check in when you feel like it.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Am very happy to hear he made ammends with his sis.... Yes a blow to the heart like loosing mom will make you look at the world different.....the world is different now without her in it, so maybe it calls for different things from us too..... I remember walking around for months and thinking that the world was different, my mom wasn't here anymore......am going to call you tomorrow, so at least stay off the stool until we talk... OK? OK! Need to hear your voice... love ya...
stromy, I am sorry, deosn't sound good... What is your dad saying about all this??? Give him a hug from Ladee and tell him he is in my prayers for some peace.....
Ok going to bed now.... tomorrow is Friday...YEHA, will be callling Brinks to take that check to the bank...... yeah right.....
hugs to ya'll, hope everyone knows they are loved......
Cmag: my mother refuses wheelchair too, even if she would need it. Everything is a fight.
SDPeg, I don't understand why your brother wants to put your mother in a NH when you take care of her and he doesn't have to do anything. I am happy for your "lazy" day, they are priceless when you work so hard... I love when I can doze almost all day long. It's so rare that I really appreciate it. And falling asleep in front of the TV is even better. I felt asleep tonight on the couch while on TV they were singing, and my dream became sort of a musical... It was so nice!
Dgray, I agree with the others. The behavior of your FIL talks about dementia... When they lose the concept of personal hygiene, that is one of the first symptoms..
Lynn: Happy birthday!
Ladee: my mother would be happy to help clean, cook, sweep the floor (she loved to sweep the floor!) but she would fall so it's difficult fo find something she can do. As far as my work is concerned, things go very badly but I can resist until January and then I'll make some decisions. By now I am trying to spend less money as possible and the first step is that I changed my supermarket which has become too expensive!
By everybody else!
stormy -at least this doc is following up - seeme's advice is good -just take care of him - how are his spirits?
seeme -so good to see you posting - good for hubby - take care now - no more climbing without a safety belt, no swinging from the chandeliers, no arial acrobatics... at least until you learn to fly!!!
ladee - glad you are thinking ur way through the Marie-o-rama - today and yesterday were good - one day at a time -G is home and off to hay in the am.
we had a great evening out - a few little errands, supper out, a visit to the new community center (largest in Canada) - it has an awesome water park, a skating rink or 3, olympic sized pool, weight rooms, etc a walking.running track -free for seniors, and the public library -we bumped into a few people I knew from the college and chatted which was nice and quickly toured the library -
if I can make my way to the farm on Monday 10th when they are sorting cows we can take a short trip between the swathing and the baling (full moom or not) and I will meet farmer John's mother who has come up to clean his house - good for her - think she is about my age - now that's an active senior!!!! I would not like to tackle cleaning that house!
time for zzzzz's
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥ to everyone - have a good night
jo
Seemee- you are right. I have stayed up night after nite til 1 or 2 in the morning looking up what each of these blood level tests say and last night i just felt so drained and exhaused. I went to bed at 11 last night and got some good sleep so hopefully that will help. Hope you are doing ok and love u.
SDPeg- thank you for the prayers!
Ladee- i know it doesn't sound good to me either.
Emjo- I think dad is depressed, I don't know how much dad understood what the dr said yesterday. You know these drs might as well be talking in tongues. Unless you have been reading up on the medical termonology(sp?) that they talk most of the time you are lost to what they are saying. I understood some of it only because i had been doing research on all of his levels from blood tests. And i knew that's how they would be talking so i wanted to study up on it so i could understand what he was saying to us. And you know dad doesn't know what all that stuff means.
Dr did say that he wanted to see dad in 6 weeks ( I though that was kinda a long time to go without seeing him again) but i guess he is the dr. But he did say that once he read the pet and ct reports that if he read anything alarming or that if it did show cancer then he would want to see us sooner to schedule some procedures to do on dad. And he said that he would let us know what he found out about the pet and ct report, i guess he would call us or have his nurse to call us. I hope somebody calls us. Been thinking about maybe calling the office today to see if he had a chance to look at the pet disc and what it showed. Ya'll think i should call today to find out?????? Well i better get off of here and get this lovely day started( NOT). Thank you all for the love and prayers being sent to us i really appreciate it!
Love and hugs Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy