This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Just a quick hello then off to get something accomplished today.....I hope.
seeme.......I'm thinking ground level would be a good place for you right now. A yard sale sounds like a good idea. When that times comes for me I am going to have to research for a few months first. The col has tons of glassware and there is some stemware made in the 1700's that has to be put somewhere safe.....and by the time I'm finished buying her clothes, there will be a big pile of those also. Long story behind that, but I won't get into that here. Just hope you are feeling a little better.
stormy..........glad you are finally getting some answers. You might want to wait until Monday to give the doctor a chance to look at any test results. He has time set aside for that and might be seeing patients today. Yes, they talk in "doctor-speak" because that's what they know. It is still hard for me to use terms that aren't medical and it's been 2 yrs since I worked. When you don't understand something the doctor is saying just say "please explain that in terms I understand, I don't follow what you are saying"......they will explain it.
emjo..........sounds like you had a fun evening with G. Your community center sounds like a small city.....lots to keep you busy during the long, cold winter.
ladee.....whenever you look at Marie today.....just imagine yourself with a great big smile..........:)
SDPeg........glad brother has gone home and now you have a little peace. Isn't it amazing how they like to dictate how things should work when they aren't the ones doing that work?
And everyone that I haven't mentioned I'm also thinking of you today and wish for a peaceful day. Have lots of things to get done around here and the longer I sit the longer they don't get done. Supposed to rain next week so I think Fall is here and there will be an inch of snow before I know it........only in Mo can it be 80 degrees one day and snow the next.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam: yes, yes, yes ... those that do not live here should really shut up! (sorry: so blunt!)
I am taking my mom to a bakery up the road (way, way up the road) for lemon turnovers as only they can make (Dudley's Bakery in Santa Ysabel, I think they have a website). My mom smiled so big when I said we were going. She loves those and if weight gain is on her agenda then those turnovers will do it! I find them too sweet for me and I love sweets. So the 8 I ordered will be mostly for her. Then homework all weekend as I have my first midterm next week in a class that has technical terms I am unfamiliar with ... lots of memorization!
My phone has a glitch. Can't check my yahoo emails for some reason. That's my lifeline to sanity right? Will have to call my company later.
Have a great day my dear, dear friends!!!
Fall is here as well in San Diego and we, also, have 80 degrees one day and cold but no snow the next. Enjoy the snow ... I prefer not to live in it (obviously) but do enjoy photos of it.
See you tomorrow
Did ya'll happen to feel a rumble or feel the earth move today???? Just asking because I didn't know if I was experiencing an "end of the world" event today or not.... uh, and let's see , it was about TOILET PAPER.....Apparently Marie's mom was scaired by paper products when she was pregnant with Marie and it has scarred her for life... she has real issues about paper products...ie..... Sonny putting napkins in his pocket, always asking me how much toilter paper is in the bathroom ,ect......
When I first came in today I am talking to Sonny and speaking in a loud voice, he finally asks me if I am mad at him... I said absolutely not , why? He said because you are talking so loud.... seems he had ears full of wax, and the Dr. took care of that yesterday, so he is back to normal..... theeeeeen I look over at Marie, oh Lord, this is going to be a loooooong day.....
I do my stuff, start getting Sonny ready for his bath, and in her "I can't believe I let you in my house everyday" voice, " what do you do with the small rolls of toilet paper you take off ??? Uh, I've only done that once and I sat in on the vanity... Well, I don't know about that, but you need to start putting them in my bathroom, just too much toilet paper getting wasted.... blah blah blah and I am starting to fade out, and then for some reason, this picture exploded in my head about a line of emoticon puking smiley faces seared thru my brain,,,, ok, ya'll know the rest, I start laughing, Sonny laughs when I do, and she is sssssoooooo pissed... no way could I ever explain this to her, so Sonny and I go to take his bath, I am almost hysterical, and he is laughing and having no idea why and that made it even funnier.....
Oh my, it did take me awhile to regroup, did not go back into the living room until I could compose myself... needless to say she was still pissed, but mission accomplished.... she barely spoke to me the rest of the day..... hell, whatever it takes to get me thru the day....... so the next time you see a roll of toilet paper, think of me fondly..... more later, time to go read for awhile...
Oh, Shawna, got my stuff today, was all the way home and remembered, so off to the PO I went, which was good, I got accosted in the parking lot by one of the "locals" selling tamales, so I got dinner while I was there,,, only in a small town can you get all your errands done in the PO parking lot.... anyway, nothing was broken, thanks for the surprises, the mouse pad is beautiful, and really liked my mugs.... you did good... will pass out your business cards so who knows what will happen.... when you get rick and famous will you still post with us?????? hugs across the miles to all the caregivers that need a break.....
Got the col in jammies......she's a little more confused acting tonight but did put in her breakfast order. She'll have bacon, scrambled eggs and that famous sourdough toast. Maybe I'll make fried potatoes with it. That should fill up that empty leg for an hour or two. So going to put my feet up for an hour then get her into bed for the night.
Hope it's a good one for all of you.................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I put a cordless phone on my mother's bedside table, so that if she needed me, if her wound vac began to beep, she only had to hit the redial and talk buttons to get in touch with me. I didn't go so far away that I couldn't be home in less than a half-hour.
Of course, when I got home and the home health nurse came, there was a problem with my mother's incision with some bleeding and then, I felt like crap for taking the time. But, I know that there is nothing that I did to cause it, so the guilt will go eventually. It's just something that can happen when you have an open incision that needs to close.
By the way, cousins took it upon themselves to call older sibling while our mother was in the hospital. Apparently they thought she'd come running, but she didn't. She didn't call or e-mail our mother either, although she has her e-mail address and her husband has both our home and my cell numbers. Like I told them, all they really accomplished was to make things even more complicated for me. Of course, they don't see it that way, but it's true. It's just something else to blame on me and get sympathy for.
Cousins think that I should call older sibling, even though older sibling has told me to forget she has a phone number. Older sibling has had someone arrested just for calling when she told them not to call, so like I told cousins, I'm not taking a chance that she won't do it to me. Like I said to them, who would take care of my mother if I ended up in jail? They tell me that they'd move her down to their house. Uh huh. No concern for the fact that I might lose my freedom if I did, but apparently I don't matter to any of them. They expect me to sacrifice even that, but um, no. Ironically, they tell me that they would have helped with their father/father-in-law if they'd been asked, but my question is why did they need to be asked at all, especially since they lived five minutes from him. What they really don't get is that I have asked repeatedly and when older sibling was backed into a corner about it, she pitched a fit and left, telling our mother that she had to choose between her or me. I even offered to leave because older sibling told our mother that unless she chose her, our mother wouldn't see her grandchildren or great-grandchildren either, but our mother told me no, even if it hurts her to not see sibling's kids and grandkids. I honestly don't know what else I can do.
Does any of this make any sense?
Got the col started on her day with meds, big breakfast, dry undies, clean clothes, a cup of coffee and a Western movie...........how much better can that be? Now it's my turn to finish my coffee.
Okay here goes.........................STORMY MOVE AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND STOP READING THINGS THAT ARE ONLY CONFUSING AND SCARING YOU. Did you read how tuberculosis is transmitted? So, stop it please. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you are reading way too much into things. If you are afraid that lil red might "pick up" something, then don't take him around right now. If you are afraid of "picking up" something, does Dad have an oxygen mask? Put it on him. But make sure it's connected to O2 on the other end so you don't smother him. Let the doctor do his job and when he is finished he will contact you. He is not going to get back to you until he has something positive to tell you. There are several things to consider......pneumonia, congestive heart failure, lymphoma, or cancer at a different site. Didn't you say he has or has had thyroid cancer? Making yourself crazy is only going to accomplish one thing........making you crazy. It isn't going to make things go away, nor will it make the doctor hurry up. Go to a pharmacy and pick up some simple paper masks that you can wear and always wear gloves when cleaning Dad's neck and doing anything else. Then wash your hands with soap and water when you are done. That's the best defense against germs. But please stop reading. Go outside, take lil red to the park, take a walk, do something besides trying to find a reason for things you might read. That's why doctors don't like people reading the Internet then coming in with all kinds of symptoms. They might spend about 5 min trying to undo what you have read, but at the end of the day, they are looking at everything from a clinical standpoint, not personal. The minute we walk out of the office, they go to the next patient and we are forgotten until the next visit. I know it sounds harsh, but it's reality. It sounds like you have found a better physician and I think treating Dad is going to take a while and you must learn to be patient while he is undergoing whatever treatment will be done. And what does Dad say about all this? Have you thought about Dad not wanting a lot done? I want you to stop and think about how scared you have gotten yourself and then ask yourself this............will doing that make a difference in the diagnosis, treatment or outcome of whatever the doctor finds?
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I also went thru hell looking at things for my Dad when he was having heart attack after heart attack. I had an armful of info regarding his new nutritional intake and was so proud of what I obtained (at HIS request). My sister was so supportive and printed them all with me. Then Mom and Brother (uh on him again) sabotaged it all by Mom not wanting to accept his ultimate demise and Brother saying "if he is dying he should have a steak or corned beef and cabbage at his favorite restaurant". So sometimes altho the info is great to have, it isn't received by all. And in this case, sis and I were judged for giving a damn!!!
The masks are a good idea especially if he thinks he is contagious as well.
Faye: I am sorry about your nephew. That is so difficult to endure and watch as you said.
I slept in this a.m. and Mom was having breakfast (got it all by herself including the ensure) and all I had to do is get her meds. She said she knew I was tired so she let me sleep. That was nice. Now if only she could remember how to dress herself. Just when Brother came on vacation her cognition regarding getting dressed went on vacation as well. But that's ok. The doc said that next appt we will talk about facilities. Not sure exactly what that meant but that's ok. I highly regard doc and respect her decisions regarding both my Dad in the past and my Mom presently.
re: family members: my sis and I have little names for them...not derogatory just funny names so if a text msg is intercepted by anyone no one has any idea who we are venting about. Just an idea for others.
I agree with Seemeride: my Dad had cancer and when it returned and then got worse affecting his spine, he knew, he just didn't want my mom to know and hid his pain from her. But I saw it. And because of family intrusion I didn't live with my Dad for the last 7 months of his life ... get off the computer and spend time with him. If you don't, trust me, you WILL regret it later. This regret actually has been turned to the good for me as now I know I will spend as much time with my mom as I possibly can. I admit to the three days with her has been tiring but I wouldn't trade it for anything (well sleep maybe ha ha).
Have a nice weekend!
SDPeg
SDPeg