This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy –honey, we love you and are praying for you - what would your mama want for your daddy,what does he want for himself, - deep breaths and look at the excellent advice others have given you. It is hard – very – your anxiety level is up –maybe worth talking to ur own doctor about that and the situation. Being helpless as you see a loved one get more and more problems is one of the toughest things to go through. But let me tell you, you are capable and u r doing it. It is OK to feel weak sometimes and cry –in fact good for you – all part of your coping. We all will die, some of us sooner and some later, but we all do. Today is the only day you can live now – make the best of it. Tomorrow’s troubles will come soon enough and there is nothing u can do about that, but don’t try to live them today. Big (((((((((hugs)))))))) and be sure to do some things are r good for u and for lil red TODAY!!! Then come back here and tell us what u have done! That’s an order ;)
Jam - I have lots of mother’s china etc. and don’t know what to do with it - I am sure some of it is worth something. I also have stuff of my father from WW1 which should prob go to a museum. However till there is more space for Gary`s things I can`t really do much. The community centre is great –a family day pass which could include me and daughter and grandkids I think, is not too costly and the water park would be fun- thinking about it. It would be cheaper than a meal out and also be some exercise. Boy that col eats well!!! I would be the size of a bus if I ate like that –and a western movie –how good is that?
Sdpeg – sounds like the thyroid meds are kicking in –mum made her own brekkie and let you sleep in!!! sounds like lots of homework this weekend for those midterms – that bro of urs is quite the case! Glad u have email contact with ur doc-not all will do that – like the idea of names for the ugly ones. It is an awesome thread!
Ros hugs and kisses – and prayers for ur strength to return and work to come ur way
Ladee – glad sonny can hear better – less stress for u, More soap operas with Marie. Oh dear, the great toilet paper scandal. So glad you laughed and so did sonny – that must have been funny and such a good release – would like to have been a fly on the wall. Having a moo poo day, eh? Gary put some dirt which was half rotten horse poo on my indoor plants - one of them is growing into a monster and one is complaining bitterly with a few yellow leaves - too strong i guess, so must keep watering.
Shawna – sounds like mum is doing pretty well and u 2 r enjoying one another. Whoopee, they liked the water bottle – hope ur business picks up!!!
Faye –haven`t u noticed that most of us r in left field at one time or another and that`s OK. Just jump in anytime and go from where u r at. You have such a load of grief with your mum and your nephew – really heavy. Sorry ur hubby was up so much last night. Getting enough sleep is so important ((((((hugs))))))
Maya –welcome – I love photography too. Glad u took some time for you. Walking is such good exercise and stress relief. Please let go of the guilt. You haven`t caused the problem with your mum's wound by taking some time out. It would have happened anyway. Regarding your family –sounds familiar to me and their behaviour does not make sense except when you accept that they have no intention of helping. You will not please them –they won’t allow it. And all of it is games to that end. My sib makes things more complicated too – in fact seems to enjoy doing that so I have to self-protect by drawing boundaries. I get the” no concern” for you – same in my situation. I have a few health issues but they are not considered in the big picture. I had CFS diagnosed almost 20 yrs. ago and sib still reacts –“You don’t have that do you?” any time it is mentioned. They would have helped. ” Hah that’s a laugh! They had no intention of helping or they would have. My sis makes no bones about it –she simply says she does not know what to do or claims she cannot do it – even things like carrying a few tote bags for her 97 (then) year old mother. Dear one, you are doing all you can and you will never, repeat, never please these people or get any cooperation from them, (IMHO) so may as well stop hitting your head against a brick wall. Your sis’s game it to get out of doing anything and appear that it is your fault. Know that one well. What a huge manipulation to withhold the grandchildren from their grandmother. Do what you can do in protect yourself from their garbage as best you can and do what you have to do to help your mum. If that is wearing u out, consider more help or a placement –and do come back.
54 –good to see you here and glad that hospice is so helpful. That hubby is sleeping a lot must make things a little easier for you, but I know it is hard to see him go downhill (((((hugs))))) you sound calmer and I am glad
Everyone –asg, cmag, tpeg, mis, burned, heart, carol, vic and whoever I have forgotten, let us know how u r doing
Here a nice cool fall day (52) and I want to get out and walk. Like mis, I know the snow is coming soon. Booked 2 days in a hotel with pool and hot tub. G is a-haying and Monday I will drive down with goodies – need to get busy in the kitchen and cook - (working men must eat). The Provincial Park near there is supposed to be beautiful. Hopefully I will get to run through meadows and chase horses again – without getting grasshoppers in my underwear. Had a little drama here yesterday and managed to pass on some wisdom about caring for self to my oldest son’s common-law who was involved in a very difficult family situation. She is doing well now.
Have a good day, all my lovelies. Do something good for YOU- give yourself a break.
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
You're welcome seeme....don't know why it isn't cancelled...came from Hallmark...hmmmmm maybe PO is conserving on ink now.
Yes, SDPeg at the end of May this thread was started. I thought it was time some attention was given to those of us DOING the care giving instead of always on the ones receiving it. Not that they are not important, without each other our lives would be different and our loved ones wouldn't suffer any debilitating diseases. And those of us doing this work, needed a safe place to come and talk about things we encounter on a daily basis and how it affects our daily living. Even though we are all doing the same basic care giving, not one of us should presume to know what goes on in someone else's home, thus giving us the opportunity to come here and feel like we can share experiences, ideas, suggestions and ask for advice, and not be judged when we feel like we can't go a step further.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Stormy - I hope your enjoying some special family times this weekend. Emjo you always have such great posts. You all know that if your search on the internet long enough you can find exactly what your looking for. Whether is is accurate, well that is the issue.
The weather here has changed, it is our BEST season, the one that is not Hot. As far as FIL he is doing great, eating great, and he actually went outside for a walk around the yard, twice this week. I have put the meds schedule on the calendar and he will finish this long course the beginning of thanksgiving week. So for me, I'm excited about him possibly being well enough to return to his home. But I am still concerned that he is so far away, and his house really needs some work, and cleaning. But he is doing well health wise and that is a great feeling. We will cross those other bridges when we get there. I think I really want someone else to have to do the cleaning, and that is the honest truth. He has lived alone in that house for many years.
Peg in SD I'm so happy to see your mom is eating.
Shawna I hope you had a successful weekend.
Seeme~~~ Moo Poo :) LMAO :)
Ok ladies I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.
Peggy in Tucson
I just wanted to check in with everyone, let you know that I am still alive and well, we've been in some places here recently that there was no computer access, but hopefully for the next couple of weeks, we'll be where there is.
We're in a little town in Idaho called Declo, staying the night here and then moving on to Spanish Fork in Utah to visit family there, from there onto another little town there in Utah to stay for a week and wait for the mail to catch up. After that it's Needles CA,
24th of this month will be 2 months on the road now.. still not use to it..lol.. but getting better. Hope that everyone is doing well.. Big Hugs to all
With all of the stress from the last week and a half, once again my body crashed! I thought resting on Thursday was a good idea, ran a few errands with mom yesterday for our "Girl Day" and yet today my body feels exhausted. I think I am resting today because Brother is on his way home and not a threat anymore whether or not he intended to move mom into NH or not. Crash and burn is how someone described it. I have been in pajamas all day. I was blessed that Mom is more lucid today (with brother gone and meds kicking in) and aware that I am fatigued. I am able to sit here and type (obviously ha ha) and do some studying but whew ... don't remember feeling this tired since I gave birth many years ago (many, many years ago).
So glad to have this group, cow patties/ moo poo and all! That makes me smile as I write it. Thanks!!!
I hold you all in my thoughts and prayers and am growing very fond of all of you as time goes on! Hugs to all!!!
SDPeg
TPeg, so happy to hear from you and really glad to hear fil is feeling so much better, and yeah, let someone else go clean that house... ewwww, have a bad headache that day, sorry just can't make it...... hugs to everyone this evening...
SDPeg, so you liked the MOO POO comment huh, have no idea where this stuff comes from, but that is just me, maybe I missed my calling, and chose to do caregiving instead,,, how stupid is that......
Stormy, are we not hearing from you because you are having computer withdrawals,,,, you can still talk to us ya know.... we don't hold it against you that you are a concerned daughter that took the info hiway.... and just try to let us help you share the load of worry and concern..... you'll get your answers soon enough....
Stormy sweetie my dad used to have a saying he loved ... Don't go borrowing more trouble than you can handle or you might have bit off more than ya can handle. Just relax chill out and don't worry yourself into a tizzy you'll find out soon enough what's going on ... don't over think and assume stuff cause it will only make yoruself sick. Take little Red to the park and that is so cute that his name is Connor which is my great nephews name. Here we are still waiting for Ungrateful niece to pop.. I know i shouldn't keep calling her that but I guess it still hurts a bit. Especially with all the ones at Alena's game praising me for the designs on the water bottle and knowing these are strangers who like my stuff and my niece did that to something that she didn't buy ... and was given as a gift.
Peg I understand the crash and burn I thought I had caught up with all my sleep when suddenly my body feels like lead and I sleep ..I wake up when mom calls. Went and got fresh apples the other day ... might be making mom some homemade apple pie.
Starri girl its so NICE to hear from you...:) Missed you here ... love your pics on facebook ... though I didn't want to look at the snow ones knowing its coming here way to fast as sometimes we end up with snow and freezing rain at Halloween which I have yet to figure out what i am going to dress up as lol I have a tiara that my niece bought me from great escape like a couple years ago but I don't think I am the princess type lol ha ha ha Gonna have to go get candy here this week so I have it stored for the holiday. Still not sure about going out on the 29th ... mom wants to but I just don't know.
I am glad you had a good day, Shawna. Those are nice to have.
Thanks for your words of encouragement about me being so tired. I was hoping I was not coming down with a cold or just too fatigued to study for my midterm. I am presently enjoying the SDSU vs TCU game on tv (I go to SDSU). I have two classmates running for Homecoming Queen tonight. Fresh apples sound good; won't make a pie (too tired but eating them would be a healthy thing to do).
Stormy: hope you are resting a bit tonight.
Jam: thanks for beginning this thread and for your pearls of wisdom.
TPeg: where ya been? We can't be 2Pegs if you are not here LOL
Good night my friends! Appreciate you all very much.
SDPeg
Connor and i had to go over to dads for a little while today to check on him; it is my weekend off with Connor. Dad was doing ok he was sleeping when we got there. Seems like his appetite has increased somewhat- he ate a grilled cheese sandwich that sis fixed him-i don't think he has ever ate one until the other day the coil on the stove caught on fire and i had to put it out. And i didn't have any way to fix his cheese toast so i said i will fix him a grilled cheese sandwich he ought to be able to eat that pretty good. He ate it and he liked it and has had one everyday since. Besides who doesn't like grilled cheese sandwiches? Unless u don't like cheese. And my family loves cheese! Anyway then dad ate a hot dog and some soup and some cheetos. He calls his snacks(chips and cookies) trash. Just his nickname for them but he loves his snacks.
After i got off of the computer this morning me and Connor made a ghost to go outside a big one made out of a white trash bag with black eyes and a mouth and we hung it from his swing set. Planning on making some small ones tomorrow to go in the tree. Then we just played outside with his ball. Then he found a cricket and wanted me to catch it for him and i told him that i don't like crickets or bugs they scare me. And he said please mama. And i said Oh alright so here i go picking up Mr. Jimmy the Cricket and plopped him in a bottle. And i looked at Connor and told him I would only do that for you. Cause i love you! But he thought it was the coolest thing that i picked up Mr. Cricket he even had to tell his dad when he came home. I think even hubby was impressed. Cause Stormy doesn't like bugs and i especially do not like spiders. I have already been seeing them granddaddy long legs spiders and i can't stand them things their legs are too longggggggggggggggg. Longer than my legs! Yuck! Well i hope everyone has a wonderful sunday tomorrow. Much love and ((((((hugs)))))))))) Stormyyyyyyyy
Mayas, is it you who have a very difficult older sister? My advice is to forget about her. I don't think you will get any help from her.
Stormy, many people already have given you advice about the computer thing. I think you started because the doctors didn't give you any answer. But it seems to me you have found a good doctor now, so I agree with the other ones, try to relax. As far as I know TBC which was a disease very common in the past, has practically disappeared from the world. At least, from the western world. An aunt of mine took it but it was in the years '30s... 80 years ago.
I am sorry my mind is still blank so I give a big kiss to everyone else and logout!
Ladee..moo poo!?! Love it..goes well with all the toilet paper we are stockpiling! We have the same story here....as a matter of fact if mom saw there were only 3 rolls..she would be having a coniption (sp) fit! Haha..let's see...
shawna..glad bus is getting popular. Pretty soon you will have so much and start complaint about keeping up! Glad mom is good.
Ros...take care you..weather changes always are tough. Hope jobs picks up..prayers ...
54..so happy to hear about hospice.. They are such a fantastic group of folks. So sorry that hubby needs but glad he is comfortable. Try and be at peace so hard watching our loved ones deteriorate.
Sdpeg..glad bro is gone and you can relax emotionally and physically.
Welcome Fay..
Mis. Glad docs found problem hope neuropathy can be delt with.
Jam..col legs need filling up! Too funny..hope you have a good day..and have I told you thanks lately? I so appreciate you starting this thread and being there for all of us while you are goingnthrough it too. Love ya!
Seeme...glad you are back..missed hearing from you..you stay in my thoughts and prayers. Yard sale!? Do you think you and Kathy could come to my house??? 32 years of stuff!! Just sayin...haha
Starri..yea connected! Hope you have been having a great time..haven't really been on fb lately but shawna said something about snow...brrrr
Emjo..you sound good! Happy little lady ..so glad everyone is behaving!
Ladee..too funny about Marie..bet she was just livid! Can see you laughing and laughing and then Sonny going on also. Would have like to be a fly on the wall! Way to deal my friend..you teach me so much
Know I have forgotten somebody..sorry..
Now for dad...he has had some pretty decent days been perky. Ding his little exercises and muscles not hurting so bad. Yesterday hubs and I had some us time..was a completely fantastic day! Weather was great ...went riding and sight seeing. Just such a nice release and good get away time. Friday nit dad complained about abdomen hurting but not too bad..thought he mint be getting diverticulitis or possibly a UTI again. Sat morning he said is wasn't bad at all..so Sat evenng when hubs and I get back he said his side was still hurting and that it had been several days..(news to me!) anyway he said he thought appendix... Well we decided to bring dad to er ..better safe than sorry... as it turns out, he supposedly has fluid in his right lung. No fever, no coughing, no congestion.. Anyway docs have admitted him ..he is finally sleeping after all nighter in er. Hubby was too sweet..he brought him in last night so I was able to get some sleep before coming up here at 3. We will see what today brings. Love you guys and I so appreciate you all!! So thankful you are here and have found an incredible bunch of friends. Will try to check inlayer...love
Ok, the GREAT news... it has been raining for over an hour.....since I don't have TV don't know how much of Tx is getting this rain.... the not so good news, found my first leak in the house...... nothing major, hope it is an easy fix... and the funny news, my windows are down in my car.... we haven't had rain in so long, it never occured to me to put them up, so will have a mess when I get to go out there and check... and yes it is funny to me, because I am so GRATEFUL for the rain..... hope this puts a little green back into things before winter comes... we don't ususally have much of a winter, of course this year will be horrible because I have no heat or hot water heater..... but I still have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, awesome friends, a God that loves me no matter how stupid I get, the personal power to make choices about my attitude about my job, did I say awesome friends..... yeah, that pretty much makes the rest of the inconvieice seem so small in comparison..... because in the bigger picture, we can do most anything if we have love and support and understanding and compassion..... yes, I like to lighten the hell up sometimes, our troubles will be here if we are lauging or crying... I prefer to laugh.... best therapy in the world......
For the new folks, you missed the "pillow" episode, a post run about "antlers", Seeme's spa, Seeme hooking up my internest.... oh my God, I laughed until my stomach hurt. Her and I both under so much stress, her with her Mom, me with moving, getting new job, and I called one moring to get my internet hooked up and somehow called Seeme... she could tell I was VERY confused, but Lord did we laugh that morning......
So some of us here have a little twisted sense of humor, no offense intended, but doubt I will apologize for being me......just don't read my posts, that's the safest way to go..... we are going to be dead longer than we are going to be alive, and I live my life with having no regrets...... love ya'll, and hope you all have a little fun here or there, makes it all so much more valuable.....
Just a quick check-in, then I'm off to do other things that need to get done.
Shawna.....Medicare will help pay for things such as the scooter or hover-round. The lift chair that we having coming for the col is also covered by Medicare. They only pay a certain percentage, but it's better than nothing. Check around your community to see if there are medical equipment stores that rent things like scooters. Call your local Division of Aging and see where or what they might recommend. Check your local paper for For Sale ads or put a "looking for" ad in your paper.
ladee.....just lay a trash bag on the front seat of your car tomorrow morning....you will probably need to do that. That line of rain is still extending down to the coast.
Hope everyone else is having a good day..........must fix the col lunch, then it's football time!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Rain in Texas!! Yea! Shawna snow on Halloween! Wowo that is what 3 weeks! Call around for scooter Jam is right that Medicare will cover partial cost of those things.
Ladee what do you mean you don't have hot water heater! Hope leak is a quick fix..love you all
Yes, older sister is difficult. She's very passive-aggressive and uses that particular skill to manipulate others in the family. When she gets caught, she tucks tail and runs. Last spring, we heard about a forty-five minute crying jag on my mother's sister's shoulder about how no one ever calls her. Uh huh. My mother informed her sister that my older sister screens her phone calls, doesn't return messages, basically ignores everyone and that everyone got a clue and quit trying. My mother shut her sister up mid-complaint.
After last hospitalization, my mother had a talk with her older brother about their sister and mine. She set him straight on a whole bunch of stuff that I'm sick of being blamed for. Then she told him that she hoped that they could still maintain some communication in the future, but that it wouldn't be like the way things had been. She's never been one for standing up to either of them, so I'm kind of proud of her.
Anyone else have an aunt who pulls your sofa out to show you where you missed cleaning the baseboard before she got there? We used to clean like the queen was coming, but I don't have time for that. If I have to block out a morning a month in advance for myself, I sure don't have time to be anyone else's servant. I have enough on my plate with my mother's needs, don't you think?
Ya'll are talking about snow.... I would be renting Jam's lake house right now and working up there if it didn't snow... Shawna and I were talking on FB this morning... ya'll can't do our Texas summers and I can't
do snow.... funny how we get used to where we live... tho after being relocated after Hurrican Rita, I did not choose to move back to the coast..... but I'm still in Texas.... we have snow further north, but won't live there either.... loved the snow when I lived in the mountains in Az. but I didn't have to drive in it...
But don't know if I can do another summer like the last one.... I thought I was going to bitch myself into a coma...... lord but I was cranky, just no relief..... but it is raining here, did I say that already ????? lol.....
this is time to go read and listen to the rain..... relax before I have to go back to work.... ttyl... hugs across the miles...
vic I hope the dr does something about this neuropathy. This being in pain everyday is sure getting old.
Well grandma has been pretty good this week. My hubby will be back tomorrow late afternoon. I had a whole list of things to get done and haven't got none of them done. Oh well there's always tomorrow.
Can you believe that?
Why are people like that?
Ugh!!!
{{{hugs}}}
(((((hugs))))) Joan
Whew! People...they annoy me sometimes!
And to check the floorboards? So glad I had a lock on my door when brother visited, I hadn't made my bed that day! ha ha
I'm glad my mom has a cleaning woman and this woman and her team mate does the best job ever! She's the best. Her husband is the gardener and both of them absolutely loved my Dad and therefore will do anything for my Mom. They are blessings for sure.
But seriously, do people really have that much time on their hands to scrutinize dust and dirt? Wow ... wish I had that much time ... I would probably read a book for pleasure with that time however.
Yes we are all doing the best we can and also have to put up with other people's "stuff"! Keep doin' what we are doin' and when we eventually lay our heads upon our pillows at night we know we have done a good job for that day.
SDPeg {{{{{hugs}}}}} to all
By the way.......the Chiefs WON the game against Indianapolis.....woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and Hugz,
Jam