This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Starri – howdy stranger – glad to see u here, can’t believe it is well over a month on the road for you, and everyone is on one piece! -hugs and kisses to the babies
Sdpeg – know all about crashing. Stress does a BIG number on us, if u feel exhausted rest all u need to, I am still in a nightie too – got a CFS hit yesterday and still recovering, take care of you – no one else will and you need you! And so does mum! Raining on his parade – love it! Yes peg she told me that I was grieving wrong - and of course she knows best! NOT. It is so wrong on so many levels.
Ladee – RAIN!!!! Tremendous news!!! Even with a leak – whoopee!!! As kids we used to go out and stand in it and catch raindrops on our tongues…. No heat for the winter – ouch –what ya gonna do and for hot water? Cold showers in the winter –don’t think so. You do have a great sense of humour!!! But u gotta get over this snow phobia. Really it is not that bad and you can lie down in it and make snow angels. Ladee - Marie’s negativity -that’s what I grew up with. It stinks! They can find something to complain about no matter what. Married one of those too – aaaargh! – long gone now PTL
Shawna – so glad you and mum are having some great days and you have a good neighbour who sticks up for u. I got apples too that Gary picked himself – put some around a pork roast I did today – let us know what u r going to dress up as for Halloween - me I want to be invisible. If someone wants ur house cleaner let them come and clean it and keep her tongue to herself!
Stormy (((((hugs))))) you did good girl – u picked up bugs for lil red and made Halloween stuff. Now he will never forget that his mama did that for him.Grilled cheese – glad ur dad enjoyed it. One day at a time, sweetie, or it gets to be too much and that’s from nana emjo; p
Ros – hope u r getting some rest.Sorry about your beautiful kitty – she was very pretty. Still praying for work to come your way... and a starry night and an Italian stallion.Heck if I can find a cowboy at my age you can find an Italian stallion! Or he can find you – remember YOU are the catch. Before Gary, when I was online dating, a guy at work asked me –what r u going to do when you catch one of these guys. I said "I am not going to catch anyone. I AM the catch!" So are you!
Vic – hope they find out soon what’s going on with dad’s lung. I bet ur mum is worried. Glad u had some time with hubs – precious to be together and also that he gave u some time to sleep. Let us know what is happenin’ – and –we usually get snow about the 22nd though it doesn’t stay until later
Jam – u r sounding good – enjoy the game and feeding the bottomless pit (bumless pit to my grandson) Are those wild turkeys growing or have the moohahas eaten them? Hey ur team won!!!!
Maya – u have enough on ur plate. I don’t like the servant role either – I call it the Cinderella syndrome.They want you to be Cinderella and they are the ugly sisters. Like jam said – tell them to back off or do the job - maybe not be too politely
Mis - I kinda like snow too – hope the dr can help your pain –it really drags doesn’t it. Glad g’ma has been good. Maybe the Zoloft is helping. Like ur attitude –I am working that one too – tomorrow!
Seeme, 54, Carol, Faye, Donna, cmag, Asg, burned, everyone I haven’t mentioned – know we are thinking of you – let us know how u r
Here I am procrastinating about getting ready to go off tomorrow. It will get done when it gets done. As long as I have my meds and my bathing suit packed and pick up a BBQ chicken for Gary, things are good. Anything more is a bonus. I finally ordered off-white wooden blinds for the downstairs –only been without window coverings down there for a couple of years. Oh, I have ordered in the past and things went wrong so many times –with the order, with what arrived and had to be sent back etc. etc. I was getting very frustrated about it and also coping with mother’s daily mini-crises in between... Hopefully this is it. Gary wanted something darker but I am in the house all day long and don’t want to be in a cave – no disrespect cmag. The winters are long here and days are short and I need all the light I can get. Once he gets home at night it is dark anyway and we can always turn the lights down. And open the blinds for more dark! Lol! Maybe I will get my house in order finally. Got a CFS hit yesterday so had to rest – better today. Just have to take it as it comes.
After reading elsewhere on this site, I am coming to some realizations about my sister/ mother interaction and the POA and will share later. Still letting it sink in.
Love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
SDPeg, not sure where all it rained today, but loved it that it may have rained on "ugly brother's" parade.....
Mis, yeah, I do " tomorrow" alot myself here lately....hope you feel better soon..
Maya, hand a broom and walk out....
TPeg, good news about FIL, hope you are ok, was good to hear from you...
Jam, glad your team won today.... finally, something to be excited about... yeha..
Seeme, lots of love and hugs sent your way... love ya and miss ya...
Later...
Maya- Tell that sis of yours to kiss your a$$. Who needs sh#$ like that when you are trying to take care of your loved one. (((((Hugs to you)))))))
Well I will try to write more later Connor just informed me that It's time for bed. So i will chat later 2 nite.... To Be Continued!!!!!.................. Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
The cat is out of the Bag(or cage rather)All the time yeah:)
Kinda happened quickly, i just told her one day I was not sticking my head in that thing anymore to clean up cat pee. The litter box is to small for her now. Ok she said. we will put the litter box in the bathroom during the day and in the kennel at night, Nope thats when she pees outside of the litter box. So she made up her own mind she would just let it out all the time. I guess it had to be her Idea:( oh well its been like 2 weeks and I am so less stressed about it all.
Lets see what else? A couple weeks ago I success got the kids used to new school bedtime routine at 8 with no fuss yeah me! Decided since she dosn't go to bed till 9 it was great, it gave me a whole hour by myself. Now Since I have barely watched any t.v. shows in years(cause I got to busy with the kids to watch t.v.) I decided to find a show to watch in that hour, I used to be a big soap opera fan. I pulled out the ol t.v. guide and found that Desparate house wives comes on Sunday nights. I have heard it's good so why not. Its just past 8 o'clock Sunday night kids all bathed in bed, dishes done, grab me a little snack. Just as I'm looking for the channel Aunt's door opens...can I get some milk for my kitty? Sure! wait for her to move outta the way so I can get the milk container, take it to kitchen fill it up,carry it in. Here you go, see you in a bit. Oh Honey she says, Im outta water, ok sure thing honey(this is something i do religiously at 9 pm when I put her to bed)I wanted to say can't it wait till 9, but i didn't just wanted to get to my show, so I fill up both water jugs, bring them back to room, and just as I'm quickly slipping out, oh honey I would just as soon go to bed now if you don't miond. I just lay in my bed anyways! I was screaming in my head!!!! I had tried for months to get her to go to bed at 8 like when she first moved here, but she insisted on 9 so thats what I've done. Now the one day today,I'm looking so forward to catching a show. Just when her going to bed at 9 worked out so well. She decided to change it. Oh well. Such is my life right now. Ladee Where the Hell is that Bannana Boat? This is gonna drive me to drinking I swear. Jam, where's the Liquor???
And what was the lie? My mother's sister had been telling others in the family that I had a drug and alcohol problem, something I've never had in my life. I've never done either one, but since she told that lie, you'd be surprised how many of the extended family believed it. And why? Because I was on meds for chronic depression, so to them, I must have a substance abuse problem. Did I mention that she's a nurse also and that she hides her wine at the back of the refrigerator, hoping against hope that no one will notice how much she imbibes herself? She did it at our house, so I know how she does. You know, if you've got to hide something, it would seem that even you know that you have a problem with it.
The truly funny part is that my mother kept a fully stocked liquor cabinet for guests and since everyone tended to stay away as my mother racked up more conditions, only my older sister and her husband had touched it in ten years. When we moved, I packed it up and gave all forty-odd bottles to our old pharmacist. The only thing that was kept was a bottle of pear brandy that my parents had gotten in Italy when we were stationed in Germany in 1977 when they finally took a honeymoon after almost twenty years of marriage. My mother wanted it kept for sentimental reasons, so it's in a box somewhere here.
I told my mother that if her sister doesn't shut her mouth and stop telling lies about me, her son is going to find out what it's like to have to take his mother out of her very expensive AL and move her back into the house that she just sold him because she won't be able to afford it after I sue for slander. I figure since Medicaid goes back five years, it'll be at least that long before they can put her in a home that Medicaid pays for. I seriously doubt her son would survive living with her for that long, but that would be their problem, not mine.
For many years, I kept it all in for my mother's sake. Now, I don't have to.
I think I have been soooooo good not asking about the cat, so happy to hear she if finally out of that f**cking cage....now that nagging little voice in the back of my head can rest easy... the cat is ok......
And the banana boat, that we changed the name to the banana split while you were busy this summer, is here but not raring to go... had to have it towed to the spot it's at, no hot water heater, a leak in the roof, guess I'll have to ' dry dock" it and work on it until I can get it going.... but you are welcome to come and stay anytime...... of course if you bring the kids, auntie and the cat, you'll have to stay in a hotel... hardly room in here for me and my cat....... but there is room for one more... and you can just tell Auntie you are going to the Banana Split for a few days, see ya later..... I can see her blinking her eyes now....
have the kids decided what they are going to dress as for Halloween??? Let's see, there is already a witch, so , no, they can't dress up like that, sorry couldn't resist... you can slap me if you want to....I just CAN NOT STAND the way she talks to the kids, but , hey, you know that already, huh??? God knows I have said it enough....
How is hubby's new job working out.... how often is he home.... ? Hope everything is going ok for you.... now if you can get the old lady to start going to be at 8, no telling what all you'll get to watch on tv.... hugs to you girl, miss ya when we don't hear from you.... hugs across the miles to you....
Maya..........there is absolutely no reason why you should have to stand back and be anyone's whipping boy (girl...:) I greatly dislike people who have nothing better to do than make someone's life miserable. They really need to clean up their own backyard before they go criticizing anyone else's. Just saying..........................
Time to kick back and enjoy a little quiet time. Hope everyone has a peaceful night.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Ladee, please focus on fixing your house for the winter. When you will need a heating, if you buy a gas stove, please remember to keep a hole somewhere, from where the air can get in and out. I never had that problem because I always had a hole for the dogs and cats to go out. It's very dangerous to use a gas stove in a room hermetically sealed. When I have my gas stove on, sometimes I fall asleep suddenly (because of the gas) but the fact that I have a hole in a wall for the dogs, prevents me from being killed!
Shawna, Maya: yes the relatives are always ready to judge. The only time my older cousin came to visit us in the new house (it happened 2 years ago and she's never come again!) she looked around everywhere to see if the house was clean, the furniture was well placed, she made her comments... I must say the house was quite clean and well set up at that time. With the progression of my mother's disease the house is becoming more and more similar to an hospital, my mother now sleeps in the living room while before she had a room of her own. But the living room is warmer and there is the TV... There are boxes of diapers everywhere... I think you know what I am talking about. If my relatives came to visit me now, which is not going to happen, they woud criticize me a lot. Maya, some of us become the scapegoats of the family. I am the scapegoat of mine.... I work hard, I take care of my mother, but I am always the foolish of the village, in their opinion. They have clean lives with no pets and no dirty diapers. And money, so they blame me for everything that doesn't work. I have learned not to care about what they say!
Jo: I went to menopause when I was 40. My cousin and I are the youngest menopausers that I know! I have been in menopause for 14 years so my hormons are almost to zero. If a stallion came into my life I wouldn't know what to do about him! But your wishes for more work are very welcome! I sure need it.
Allshegot: I am happy the cat is out of the cage, too. About your story... I think your terrible aunt realized you wanted to chill on the couch for a while and she decided she had to disturb you. They are incredibly nasty, these old people! I mean I think she did it on purpose. Try to hide all the time what you wish to do. You have to defend yourself!"
I send this post before one of my cats walks on the keyboard and sents it to hell.
Still sending prayers for your work.... and family, I have an "ugly sister" that lives right here in town, never see her, but then again, I don't look for her....have no idea what she is mad about THIS TIME and don't care..... my real family is my friends.... and they are not always finding fault with me, and pushing me to loose my temper... and I also am the family scapegoat....but you know what.... I have had and am continuing to have a very full and fun life, can't say the same for them..... kinda sad isn't it.... the one most harshly judged is the most happy.... hmmmmm...
Take care Ro and am sorry about your beautiful furbaby....love and hugs to you....
Any of your mothers ever tell you that when you grew up and had children, they hoped that you'd have one just like you? Mine used to do that and all of her other three kids had one just like them. Sometimes, it's not a pretty sight to see what got passed along.
When she went through her mid-life crisis, she bought a convertible. We had a family reunion and she came, very proud of her convertible. Our three uncles were already all in their eighties and they couldn't have cared less what anyone drove. She took one with her to the cemetery with to show her where our father was buried, since she doesn't live anywhere near here and hadn't been back to his grave since he was buried in 1991. Anyway, while they were gone, she asked Uncle Billy what he thought about her convertible. He looked at her and said "Well, everybody's got to die sometime." He said it with a straight face and a twinkle in his eyes. I lost Uncle Billy and his older brother two years ago, a little over a month apart. I miss them dearly.
Personally, I've never understood the need to lie about your age. There's always someone around who knows the truth and you just end up looking foolish when someone finds out how delusional you really are.
Ladee -glad u will have heat at least. Good idea to pass on the gas! - and I mean that in more ways than one! lol. Can u hook up something for hot water?
Maya -agree with seeme - that is hilarious and so true. My sister was not able to have kids so she adopted - her son and wife are estranged from her (sensible on their part) because she went to court and took family money from them (aaack) and then was nasty to them, and her daughter and her hub are raging alcoholics who share a house with her - Good luck to the bunch of them! I want nothing of it. .
seeme - so glad to see u here and laughing - it is great therapy
Shawna - nice ornaments - mum seems to be doing so well these days
asg -so the cat is out of the bag - uh box- uh crate - whatever -good I agree with ros -auntie knows what she is doing -don't put up with it -stick with a specific bedtime - if she wants to move it up to 8 - fine u will have the evening free - tell her u will do it at the appointed time then put in your ear plugs and enjoy some time for yourself - u need it -don't we all
sdpeg - how is the midterm prep going?
stormy - taking lots of deep breaths?
vic -whats the news about dad?
mis -hope g'ma continues to do well - hubby will be home soon -love ur pics on f b
tpeg - keep us updated in fil - so nice to see that much improvement
yeahright -if u r out there reading, know u r not forgotten,
54 -keeping u in mind and in prayers
heart -how's it going -know it is tough for u
faye - hugs -been through multiple loss too and it really does a number on you -ended up not knowing who I was hurting for half the time
starri - hope settling in one place for a while works out well - keep in touch
jam - hope u slept well after a great game
everyone else - hugs -let us know how you are
Here it is my son-in-heaven's birthday. He died when he was 23 and would have been 33. today. Bittersweet memories - today - not so much because he is gone as the mess than happened around his birth with my ex and a person I thought was a friend -what we survive!!! Happy Birthday, Babes! One day I'll see you where u r! . No more sorrow, No more pain, Safe in heaven till I see you again.
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
hey - u know you are getting older when your grow a moustache before your son - my oldest was 16 at the time I said that and a late bloomer and did not think that was funny. LOL
When I was a kid and we spent our summers at her house, we used to lie on our sides and roll down the hill that she lived on. A couple of years before he died, he tried to get me to do it again. I gave him every excuse I could think of because I didn't want to look foolish. If I had it to do all over, I'd lie down in the mud and let him take a video of me rolling down the hill.
He was the one who worried the most about how we were when Daddy died. He made sure that we all knew that he wanted us to still come no matter what.
And as much as he loved his wife, I think he'd have dealt with just about anything to have had her back when she passed away. He kept her at home and did her caregiving himself. I don't think a few whiskers would have ever made him run.
not looking foolish - as we get older we realize that is not so important, don't we - just ask a few of us
a trip to the dump lol - brought back good memories - once looked after the son of a stuffed shirt from work for an afternoon - we made a trip to the dump then stopped at McD's for an ice cream cone, then home to play in the sand box - all with my Gordie too - remember the two of them in the truck - the kid ended up not as clean as when he arrived, but he was happy and didn't want to go home - good stuff!
Midterm studying won't be so difficult today after hearing about Uncle Billy.
Thanks for sharing such a wonderful man with us and your memories!!!
SDPeg
It was a really cool place to spend the summer. My aunt and her family lived with my grandmother and two of her sons lived next door and across the street. Her oldest son lived about five minutes away with his family. We were a military family, so we didn't live here. We were the youngest of seventeen grandchildren and several of the cousins had their driver's licenses before we hit grade school.
One of the fondest memories I have is being sent along with the older girls when they went cruising down the main drag on Saturday nights. My aunts and uncles sent us younger ones with them to keep the older ones from doing anything stupid without their parents knowing all about it.
It was almost worth having to hide down in the floorboard so the guys didn't see us with them, because they'd take us to get ice cream on the way back to my grandmother's. We got lots of treats in exchange for our silence.
And my grandmother always had a chocolate cake waiting for me just because I liked them. She also had a gumball machine in her living room and if you got a speckled ball, you got a candy bar. Uncle Billy and Uncle Tommy thought it was a hoot to feed us their change to put in the gumball machine because we always put on a show. It was one of those that turned once for a penny, five times for a nickel and ten times for a dime. They loved to see us count the turns off for them.
There's an empty lot now where my grandmother's garden used to be. Uncle Billy wanted us to move down four years ago and he told me that he'd bet if he had another house, we'd move down. I asked him where would he put it? In my grandmother's garden? Like I told him, she'd come back to haunt him if he put anything except a garden there. We ate fresh vegetables all summer and green apples straight from the apple trees, along with fresh grapes and blackberries from the back yard.
I have lots of good memories. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
So, how is everyone today???? Rested, depressed, happy, sad, all of the above? I had another good day at work.... amazing how an attitude adjustment has helped me.... as I said, I am so attatched to Sonny, had to figure out a way to deal with Marie, so far it is working... not coming home so mentally tired.....
It has been great to go around and run errands today and everyone is talking about the rain, ' how much did you get?', that is the main topic of conversation.... a state that is full of gratitude this Monday......
Will check back in later, need to get some things done... hugs to you all...