This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
But am very sorry to hear your mom is not healing like she should.... and in some ways what the nurses did does not surprise me..... I pray I just drop dead and do not have to go thru what I have witnessed or heard about....my best friend is a Hospice RN, we have already talked about all this..... just do not let me suffer for the sake of saying " we did all we could", just get it overwith....
Let us know what is going on and how you mom is.... and thanks for sharing your stories..... I look forward to reading them... hugs to you...
But she has been friendly, not snapping at me, and even if she starts tomorrow , I know what to do... ignore her... guess if I am not getting upset, she doesn't accomplish what she wants and it's just not fun anymore.......
But Sonny seemed tired today... guess if he was up half the night, he should be tired.....
My son had another seizure.... the ER RN gave him some numbers to contact some agencies that can help him get medical care.... they did finally put him on dilantin (sp)and potassium.... That 'mama thing' I knew something was wrong and went by to see him before I went to work, didn't come to the door... went by after work.... and could tell by the way he sounded he had had another seizure..... so a few prayers for my hard headed son..... I do not know what it is going to take for him to start taking this serious.....
anyway, hope everyone had a day that didn't make them want to go screaming down the street.....
and Shawna, from now on, I will say old ladies, Cmag and Shawna, but sometimes girl you scare me how wise you are beyond your years......Guess you and Stormy are the youngest ones on here..... I can't even remember being 33 !!!!!!!
so, love to everyone... extra hugs and love to Jam this evening, and Seeme, I am missing you......hatm ( hugs across the miles)
Brother finally called today to say he was home from his vacation...good that means he is not on my turf anymore and Mom can relax. But tonight I was disturbed by something that happened: Caregiver took mom shopping yesterday and when Mom came home she put her 3 cans of hairspray in her bedroom then forgot where they were. She said they were in the caregiver's car. When I spoke with caregiver last night he said Mom put the cans in her bedroom. Then mom talks to brother this evening, mentions she thinks she left the cans in caregiver's car, brother calls caregiver about the cans of hair spray (caregiver called me tonight to tell me brother called him). This once again is annoying me because it is a problem that is easily resolved with the parties involved HERE not almost two thousand miles away via phone call. Lo and behold, I walked into her room and found the cans just sitting there. My brother's favorite saying is "too many cooks in the kitchen" and I am tired of him being in the every day activity kitchen that I am in. I don't meddle in his financial kitchen (he handles my mom's finances) and therefore I don't want him in mine (well that WAS the agreement a year ago).
Well I am getting more caregivers in to help mom (one man, one female) to be here while I do my thing. I am being more assertive ~ telling her, not asking her~ and if she doesn't like it then she will have to stay home alone while I go out.
Someone mentioned to me that I do too much for my Mom and so I am cutting back a little bit. Although it takes her longer to search for a spoon to stir coffee in the morning, well, she has the time too look for it. I do feel relieved a bit letting go of all the things I was doing while she was ill and my brother was ruffling her feathers during his vacation and also on the other hand I feel sad because I really liked doting on her. I like spoiling anyone but not to the point that I am exhausted.
Speaking of exhausted, the heat today did me in. I came home this afternoon (class was canceled) and slept for over an hour and I don't usually do that in the afternoon. But the heat was next to unbearable. At least I am aware enough to keep drinking water. Not so tired from caring for Mom nor zapped by the heat to NOT take care of me. If I don't take care of me, no one will.
Oh yeah, and I went to Barnes and Noble and started holiday shopping. That felt good!
Good night all...thanks for listening to me vent. I appreciate it.
SDPeg
And the reason I'm telling all that is to say that I'm sorry I wasn't here to offer y'all support like I should. The one thing I can do when I'm stuck in traffic or running someone else's errands is pray. I do that on the way to the dump. Sometimes I wonder if God minds that it's easier for me to pray in the car than it is here at home, but I do it anyway. It's those times that I'm alone and I don't have to worry about who hears me or what I pray about.
My mom's best friend lived about three hours away from us before we moved here. She offered to take my mom for a week so that I could get some deep cleaning done. So, I packed my mother up and all the CPAP and oxygen and mobility devices. I'd gotten almost everything loaded into the car and all I had left was her step.
I had on drawstring pants that day. I'd forgotten to tuck the drawstrings into my waistband, so when I picked up her step, guess what happened? Yep, you've got it. The knot at the end caught in a joint in the step. I didn't notice it until the bow pulled out and my pants dropped to the ground in the parking lot where we lived. And when I say to the ground, that's exactly what I mean. It was nice and sunny and about mid-afternoon when they dropped. My mother asked me what in the world I was doing when I tried desperately to get the car door around me so that I could regain my dignity. At that point, it really wasn't funny to me.
The next day, when I got back, I sent my best friend an e-mail and he thought it was hilarious. He told me that he'd have been torn between helping me get covered back up and laughing. Like he said, at least it was good underwear that showed, even if it was light and rosy.
Sometime I'll tell you about the evening my cell phone went lost. If this gives you a smile, that one will crack you up.
If my stories are getting on anyone's last nerve, just tell me. I'll set them aside.
I am sorry you were scared as a mom, I can relate to that.
SDPeg
hugs dear friend -glad that things with marie are better - more later
jo
I don't have HBP but one never knows when it will jump up and bite you in the butt later on in life.
The "mama" instinct is good to listen to.
I, too am losing posts and that's frustrating.
Full day ahead of mom care and studying...catch you all later
SDPeg
Wanted to check in and tell everyone hello and to let you know that even though I haven't been responding, I have been reading. We've had a couple of rough nights with the col. Night before last, she was up and wandering all night, drinking cups of hot water, calling it coffee. Got her back to bed, turned off the tv, removed the remote and she slept finally. Told her last night her tv wasn't working and she stayed in bed all night. So perhaps that's a start....no more bright light and screaming volume. We are hiring more help and she is on the waiting list at the NH. OMG.........the prices per month have gone sky high. Sorry, she's into something.....gotta run.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Shawna, ask your mom what she wants to do.... you may be surprised, and there is always Skype for her to see and talk to the kids......Life is too short sweetie, do some things and go some places you want before you can't..... sorry the family is being so insensitive.... tell her ladee said Happy Birthday, give her a hug and kiss for me...... a great big Texas hug.......sounds like it is time for you to start tellling them what's on your mind....... you have nothing to loose at this point..... maybe not in front of mom, but I wouldn't hold back anymore.... hugs to you this evening......
stormy - coconut oil and tea tree oil also are good for the toenail fungus - applied to the nail - guess you haven't heard any more from the doc or am I really out of date here?
shawna -time to say No - to those users in ur family - really and truly -just No -glad u r sellng more water bottles -where ever lol -and i agree with ladee - go where u want
jam -it is getting worse isn't it? glad the col is on the list for an NH
ladee - hope today went well and ur son is OK - doesn't matter how miserable they are -they are still ur kid and u worry
maya -what happened at the doc re ur mum's incision - read the Yule guest -oh my - beautiful poetry - did not know about his rascal side
where is everyone? -ahh a few checking in
posted my Park pics on face book - and a few of the horses pastured near there -about only useful thing i did - tired today -couldn't sleep but not good for much
the park is lovely and worth a return visit when it is open. Loved the country side nearby -rolling hills and rust/gold leaves and the red dogwoods -very different than up here which is basically spruce bog on either side of the highway. drove back last night as farmer Johns's smelt so badly of stale smoke i couldn't hack it - when his mum was there she wouoldn't let him smoke inside but she left a few days ago - was going to stay over night to spend a little more time with my man but just couldn't - took a nap and hit the road - took me an hour on the road before i could breathe deep. G is still at the farm doing prewinter stuff and is now spending most of next week being oriented to the new job in the big cities south of us so who knows when he will be home - certainly not him or the guys who are arranging this -seems all off the cuff -as long as they pay it doesn't matter!
Hopefully we all will have a good weekend
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Ladee.....how could I not know about your son and siezures? I swear I didn't know......
Maya....stories are wonderful....keep em coming.....
Jam......whatever the cost, it is worth it for your sanity....
I actually talked to my bi-polar sister for the first time in a long time....a whole hour......with no screaming.........she must have wanted to talk about her son's death a couple of years ago and asked about all that had been wrong with mom and what caring for her was like. She didn't know to what extremes it had gotten.....cause she hadn't seen mom in 20 years or so. Me either for that matter. She still referred to mom and dad by their first names....like aquaintances instead of her parents. Found out today that she called to talk to mom as she lay dying and someone at the switchboard told her to call back in 20 min, which she did, but I answered the phone then and mom had been dead for 20 min. I would have refused her request at that time anyway. Long, sad story. And all this after I had priced a lot of mom's clothes for the yard sale. Wish I had just given them to the Good Will.
Tomorrow we are going fishing off a pier. There is no jumping allowed off the pier, but nothing is said about being thrown or dragged off, so wish me luck. I'd like to catch something bigger than my first finger. Later................
In the middle of it all, I began to have some really awful chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack, but no one asked me if I needed help. Cousin's wife thought I was making it up. I still don't feel right, but with no medical insurance, I can't afford to go to a doctor myself. The first thing that they ask you here is what medical insurance you have. If you haven't any, they won't even make an appointment with you. So, I'm just praying to outlive my mother by one day so that she'll be taken care of. That's my goal --- just one day beyond. I can't depend on any of her other kids to be there. If I dare to mention my health issues, they dismiss them and tell me that they're sorry, but they don't have time to listen. I still don't feel right.
emjo --- here's a link for you. Read through them and see how he responds when she begins to press him for marriage. You'll see what I mean.
I used to be on Facebook, but then, I had an old teacher make a remark about what I look like now. It made me more than a little uncomfortable, so left it alone. Then, when I heard from an old classmate, it made my best friend more than a little uncomfortable and I gave it all up together.