This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Shawna tell your mom Happy Birthday from smiley and give her a hug too.
ladeeda I hope your son gets better.
stormy no it didn't gross me out.
seeme glad to see you post and good luck fishing.
Well grandma is having a rough night already. She got up and said she hears a washer running. There's nothing running, but she hears something running.
Then she wanted to agrue and kick us out for the thousandths time. She just wanted to see where daisy was.
Hope everyone has a good night and hugs to you all.
This is a bunch of very loving and supporting people who need a place to lay our daily problems down, we share, we cry, we grieve, we laugh, but we are here for each other and you.... so come back and let us know how we can help..... hugs to you...
Faye welcome to the group yes we do get off topic but sometimes we just need a break from what we have as our reality. My break is my artwork lol though if I put what my emotions in my artwork of how i was feeling somedays you'd send the men in the white coats for me lol .... its why I do fairies and such they tend to lift my spirits. My mom has dementia thankfully its not progessed too badly so far (THANK GOD) but i know its going to get worse instead of better so I cherish the times she's lucid and knows whats going on. Its the hard times when she wakes p at night and tells me she wants to go home... and she don't want to sit here ... that is hard. Sometimes if shes overly tired or stressed it takes her a time to remember my name but she knows who i am. We do a memory game every morning... I go through who her kids are though i know she remembers the names my brother Jim and sister Debbie are always named the a******* and the B**** with her low life son. But thats only cause of the trouble they caused her and I but thats a very long story for another time. When we are at my sisters my nieces well great nieces like to play games like memory and color stuff with mom to help her out. They are bright little cookies that love their nana which is why I would never move her away from them I want them to have as much time as they can with her especially with the new little one on the way. Though i am not sure how much we will see ungrateful niece and the baby. We will probably when we go to my sisters.
Well got more ornament designs to do more things to plan finish up the water bottles find sheeps and cows lol and plan more images. Maya my sis is looking forward to this new project and thanks you for the idea when it gets done I will share the image ...
Tonight my mom wasn't herself and I lost my temper. Not in a mean way, I just told her that I can no longer be here and watch her kill herself by not eating. She takes a half a dozen little bites. For those that have read my saga, whenever my brother calls she recoils into a helpless, pity party person and seriously and honestly I cannot watch this anymore. I reminded her that she has a doc appt in two weeks and the scale had better show some weight gain or her doc will be "talking to you about options". I cried. I even pounded my fist on the kitchen counter. I told her it is killing me, KILLING ME, to watch this and I didn't know how much longer I could. Once again she said she would change and eat and didn't want to go to a NH and she said she was thankful for me etc etc etc. Hopefully by morning she will remember her promise to do better.
In the meantime I am arranging caregivers. She has a male now and I have enlisted the help of a female. Hopefully that will help her and me as well.
Without this group I would not have had the confidence to speak my mind, express to Mom from my heart my fears, and to hop onto this site and talk about it. Thanks ever so much for being here for me.
Does Mom have dementia? probably. Does it frustrate me? yes, I am human. Do I love her enough to fight for her for good health...absolutely!!!
Thank you for being my friends. Good night and sweet dreams.
SDPeg
A mini mental eval was done the last time we were in. Mom couldn't answer very many accurately and doc said the memory loss is reversible because she felt it was in relation to the hypothyroidism. I hope so; doubt it though to be honest.
I think tonight she was mad at me for two reasons: she wanted to go to the casino and I said no and she also wanted to go out to dinner and I said no. I had a paper to finish and turn in TONIGHT and I had devoted most of the day to her (including consulting with a caregiver who starts Monday). I think her "temper tantrums" are just too much for me to handle sometimes.
Hopefully she is sleeping well. I have finished the paper (just a draft thank God because that wasn't a good paper with all this going on) and I am ready to go to sleep while watching a movie or something on tv. I do have a test on Monday but I will have to study for that another time.
I am also going to dinner tomorrow night while a caregiver takes my mom to church and dinner. I will be arranging more of these nights out once Mom has her follow up on the 28th.
Faye: I do hope to see you on again asking any and all questions because this group is a wealth of information and also a few shoulders to cry on. Thanks again ladies!!! SDPeg
faye I hope you come back. I haven't been posting regularly until recently. My husband's grandma has deminta and it's been a chore in itself. I find myself reading more on this site and posting more and maybe it'll help someone.
Shawna beautiful picture. We definately need angels looking out for us caregivers, too.
Sun is shining and I'm up drinking coffee....have the col at the table with her coffee and oatmeal, meds administered.......boy I'm on a roll for a few minutes. And she got past me and changed her own wet pants....woohoo! But didn't wash her hands....guess that's hoping for too much.
Faye.......you have been here with us before and I'm sorry you feel left behind. You aren't and won't be. Please just jump right in. We have all learned over time that humor MUST be a daily part of our care giving or we will end up sitting alongside those we are caring for. If you have questions, need answers, want to offer opinions, say anything at all..........please feel free to jump right in! We may be acting like a bunch of loons over something, but we WILL stop and direct our comments to you. So please come visit with us again.
One little point to remember about all these so-called "memory loss drugs", that have never been proven to work, is they will eventually lose their efficacy and we are left standing and scratching our heads and wondering why our loved one keeps getting worse. We are at that point with the col. There is nothing else to try. But I'm scared to take her off them just in case it might create an uncontrollable monster.......and after finding out the cost of private vs semi-private rooms in the NH.....oh boy. Who can afford either $4700 or $5600 per month? That is insane.........plus all the added expenses on top of that. Oh, but the cable is free..............well, that just makes my day.....whew! I was afraid we might have to pay for that.........insert a whole lot of sarcasm here.
Vic glad Dad is home. Now you can rest and get some energy back to start this job again.
Shawna....thank you....beautiful picture......wish I had her hair...:)
emjo.....beautiful pics of the park.....that lake looks huge! Our trees are starting to turn, but I'm just not ready for winter.
SDPeg...........when the tantrums start, walk out of the room. When the col starts that, as long as she can't hurt herself, she can just throw her tantrum if it makes her feel better. But I'm not listening.
mis.....same goes for those grandmas and fit throwing. Maybe that's how they think they have to get their point across because they can't make sense otherwise. I don't know.
stormy...........just ignore the little brains. After 25 yrs I still couldn't hack puke and coughing up goobers.
I'm not even going to try listing everyone this morning....my brain is tired. Son woke me at midnight to let me know my 10 yr old granddaughter is now minus one appendix.......so I see a nap coming soon.
Check in everyone!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
G-Pa and I had a bad day yesterday. It all started when I told him I could go to the store for him and get a small trash can with a lid attached that he could use to put his wipes in after using the bathroom. It started out innocent enough but quickly escalated to a full blown arguement. He told the lady from OT that he was able to "reach under" well enough to use wipes instead of some filthy old rag that he uses after a BM, so I offered to get the supplies for him. He started in on me then about not being able to reach because of his previously broken wrist, it just doesn't turn enough etc. and his shoulder which is not working very well due to an accident in his younger years that didn't heal right. But I explained he had to do something different, because it just isn't sanitary leaving a rag hanging on the towel rack that that been used to clean himself. Plus it just doesn't smell very nice. He said "I don't smell anything" (yuk) I told him, well, everyone else sure does. That's why I leave the bathroom door closed. Then he started in on me, "well it smells after you come out of the bathroom too you know" Then I said well at least I clean up after myself, and use a bathroom deodorizer after I am in there. And I don't leave anything hanging on a towel rack!! (this rag by the way only gets washed ONCE A WEEK IN COLD WATER!!!) I can't tell you how bad the smell is, and also feces contains staph and germs that can cause MRSA! I sure don't want that. I don't believe for a minute this old guy doesn't have dementia or Alzhiemer's because usually the first thing to go is their hygeine. G-Pa isn't even my relative, and I'm having to put up with all this! He is 87 and is my husband's step-father. I can't take this, I don't know what to do. After this blow up, my BP was 175/106!! I don't want to have a heart attack or stroke over somebody I don't even like. Help!!
Cara
I hope all goes well for everyone this weekend.
Also, he has been eating alot, alot more than normal and that kinda has us puzzled i mean don't get me wrong we are glad that he is eating but its just different. Like last night at 4 he got up and come to the kitchen and ate mac and cheese and turnips. And he hasn't done that in forever. That's kinda why i was thinking that he might have hyperthyroidism because of the increased appetite and along with he has been getting up more on his own and that is another symptom of it. Along with some other ones too. So if any of ya'll have any ideas what could be causing him to eat more and have all of these infections let me know. Also when we carried him to the dr last week he had lost 4lbs. with him doing all of this eating. Hope one of ya'll know something............................ Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyyy
As for those with ungrateful, sorry don't have the time for you siblings, there reaches a point and it sounds like most of you have reached it, you tell them in impolite terms where they can get off and what they can do with themselves. Shawna, ask Mom how she would feel about moving? you might be surprised, I kinda expected a fight out of mom when we moved from CA, her "baby" was there, the second to the eldest, who didn't give a damned about anyone or anything., he thought the world owed him a living just because he breathed.
But amazingly, she didn't, she did fuss when we first got out to South Carolina, but I expected that, here she was newly retired, and moved clear across the country. Would be enough to make me grumpy.. But your Mom might welcome the change, new people, new sites, perhaps new things she might be able to do on her own, like visit on the the Senior Centers. I truly believe this move might just benefit her as much as it will you.
Your taking care of mom, they are not, pisses me to no end that they could not at least pick up the phone for 5 seconds and wish Mom a Happy Birthday, please extend to her my belated birthday wishes.
I hope that you and your mom are ok, losing a pet can be just about as bad as losing a loved one, for a lot of us, our pets become like our children..
Big Hugs
Shawna –thanks for the image –beautiful – sorry about the rotti - pets are such family members and ur idiot sister needs a new outlook on life – badly. You do need some heat resistant gloves!
Mis –nice to see u, the Zoloft will help depression but will not stop the progress of the disease, sadly.
Vic –good to hear from u and glad dad is home and in good spirits – hugs to him from me and to ur mum who must be delighted to have him back
Jam –u sound good - other than contemplating a NH and finding it so expensive I am still for putting the prisoners in NH and the seniors in jail -cheaper for the seniors and prob. better care. The lake is large. There is a part of Alberta that is “lake land” and the lakes and countryside are lovely. I guess I am ready for winter –sort of –not much choice! Glad you found out about ur granddaughter after the fact or you would have had less sleep and glad she is OK.
Stormy -sorry that dad is getting all these infections. I am going to say the same as others said – no point in you driving urself nuts looking for reasons. Simply his immune system is not up to par. He is run down which is not surprising with all he has gone through, and the bugs may be getting resistant to the antibiotics. That happened to me over the many, many years of sinus infections –one drug after another stopped working and I was pretty desperate a couple of years ago and then found the peroxide rinse which works and haven’t needed an antibiotic since. Don’t know what the eating means and don’t suppose any one does. I know it is such a hard time with him right now. ((((((hugs))))) Hope lil red is OK.I am sorry he has seizures –hopefully not many more. Have the docs lowered dad's thyroid dose yet? Too much meds gives the same symptoms as hyperthyroidism.
Maya –read some of those letters –Oh my, he was quite “Jack the lad” wasn’t he –no interest in being committed to one person. So you have to wait for another appointment to get something done. Love the sweats story – everyone’s nightmare. Mother played tennis is the days when women wore little dresses –with slips underneath to play tennis. She told me during a match her slip straps went and her slip descended. I asked what she did. She said she stepped out of it and kept on playing –never missed a stroke! I can see why you aren’t on face book – did you know you can block people!
Starri –nice to see you on again –looks like you really are unwinding. Siblings –Oh Lordy, I will get to that soon.
Cara – most of us find the support really helps – your fil is a miserable and argumentative old man isn’t he? Glad you are facing him down with the truth and the bathroom issues. Though if he has any dementia reason will not prevail! Who washes the rag – not you obviously, so probably him. Personally, and I am not telling you what to do – my first reaction would be to throw it away and place a box of wipes handy and a trash can - and keep doing that if he finds other rags. I don’t think I could tolerate having that hanging there is a bathroom. I wouldn’t argue about it, or try to convince him – he will counter every argument you can think of, as he does not want to let go of his old ways. It is all part of acknowledging to himself what he knows very well, which is that he is going downhill. Whether he has alz or dementia or whatever, being dirty is not acceptable –in his house or anyone else’s. What about checking with the Dept. of Health (I am Canadian but there must be an American equivalent) or social services about the hygiene issue? What does your hubby say about this? You must look after you! Caregivers suffer from stress which does bring illness and your BP went too high!. If I remember right, your kids moved into your home when you and hubby moved into grandpa`s. Can you take a break for a while – get some fresh air so to speak? Something needs to change! ((((((hugs)))))
Cmag – struggling with the bipolar on top of the other family issues is a whole lot. Just pat yourself on the back when you make progress, and be kind to yourself when you don’t. Hope you have a good weekend too.
Faye –a well-deserved pity party I must say. This “going home” thing seems to happen often with Alz, I am glad you posted last night and that you are back today. Jam is right – humour helps us survive. It is healthy. I am asking again if you have some back-up or a program your hubby can go to so you can get out on your own. That will help you to cope. As for watching a loved one slip away, there are no platitudes here. It is hard, very hard, especially as u r still grieving the deaths of the past year. ((((((hugs)))))) do some small things that r good for you – bubble baths, scented candles, music etc.
Ladee - have a good day out on the open and let the cobwebs blow away
Everyone else –heart2heart, carol, asg, burned, pegly, my memory is slipping here – let us know how u r
Gary is talking hunting again. I put in my order for a moose. We still have some deer and antelope and I like moose better. He is off roaming the countryside and has lost his cell phone – like my sons who would lose their heads if not attached, though they don’t lose their cell phones. My oldest grandson has worked through some MAJOR issues – and wants to come up to his mum’s at Christmas. We are looking forward to seeing him. I am still recovering from the trip, so not tackling too much today.
Much love, hugs and prayers for all ♥♥♥
jo