This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
repetition is the basis for learning if it comes to that.
I find when I am trying to process something difficult I need to go over it and over it and sometimes over it and in that process things slowly get slorted out.
After my split nearly 20 yrs ago i used to go for walks with the dog and my middle son. He is a good listener and after quite a while of taking advantage of that I finally heard what I was saying - if you know what I mean. It was an a-hah moment and i got a lot miore comfortable with things starting then.
sdpeg -you r still grieving your dad and now also your mum's decline and fighting that is normal. This is multiple loss and hits harder than one at a time with a decent space in between.. You still have not processed ur dad's loss totally. You can't in a year. I think u r doing extremely well to continue your studies and also find ur way through all of this emotional stuff. If you feel u r on an emotional rollercoaster sometimes - than would be normal and expected with what you are having to deal with. I hear you a bout losing your old mum -even if she was not as nice it is still a lose and wanting time with ur new mum. Must be very confusing at times. ((((hugs))))
stormy - hope the mixture help. Your dad is right but i would not want that job!!!!
ladee -caregivery is a good word.I am gettng better at telling myself that I don't HAVE to do that, or put up with this, or be anything other than myself, That's how God made me.!
love and hugs
jo
Cmag, awesome post!
Jam, everyone else.... thanks for the advice and support. Take care, and row on!
A couple of thoughts to share.....just remember that POA ceases as soon as the person dies. I couldn't even insist that my mom be cremated like she wanted....had to have a majority of living children agree to it.I've been talking about getting 2 puppies and what I might name them. I believe Ladee said they would let me know what their names shoud be.............now I will have nightmares about at least one wanting to be called.............wait for it..............PINGO!!!!! And the other one will probably be .......BRICK!!!!!!! God help me and bless my heart......I am going to the dark side........................
Pingo and Brick sound great toi me! LOL
I love the phrase "there she goes again" because it means that you, also, are processing all this and we together are learning. I know I certainly have repeated and repeated the same ol' stuff and it is in the processing that I am able to sort things out.
It is very true, I am grieving the loss of my dad and sometimes feel as though I didn't get a chance to do that without interference because of caring for my mom and the intrusion of my brother. Grieving is a long journey but by adding distractions the journey is not just long, it is detoured.
I appreciate so much how many of you have gotten to know who I am and know just the right words to say in order to help me put one foot in front of the other.
I do have a lot to be thankful for: my mom is not a wandered, is still in control of her bladder, is ambulatory, takes her meds when I give them to her, allowed me to cook for her tonight and said "thank you", and even wanted to clean the kitchen (well I had already done it but one light by the stove was left on ... oops ... she couldn't figure out how to turn it off so she said "you're not done in the kitchen are you? You left a light on.") Gotta love her.
Thanks for the encouraging words, the words of wisdom, the hugs across the miles and the loving support! I appreciate it all and if I have contributed only half of what you all have given to me, this "family" here on this site is truly blessed! SDPeg
Seeme: you could have a contest ... and the winner of the names of the pups gets a free week vacation! Woo hoo! We can dream can't we?
You must be wondering how long she wil be able to stay on her own.
Come back anytime and share more!
I would like to go to the islands off of Portugal where my ancestors are from.
Where would YOU like to go?
Just wanted to say thanks for being my family.
yup we did need to know that jam
sdpeg -glad u r good
where WOULD I like to go - Hawaii I think - never been there -waves and surf
NO apology necessary: I knew you meant you ... but then it fit me as well.
It's all good ... in this family we don't fight ... we have real siblings to do that with!
Here I go again! This seemed funny to me for some reason. So on Mondays, I make a run to town for aunty to pick up things that she has been writing on a list all week(mostey stockpiles of things she already has, shes paranoid bout running out of even though we live less than a mile from the store). On Fridays and Saturday she goes on and on about me goping on monday to get her things. On Sundays she writes a check for the monday trip, and goes on and on all day about how i will be going on monday to get these things. This eveing after supper she one again shows me the check she has made out, then shows me where she has put it. Then tells me again and wants to make sure I see where she has put it because "YOU NEVER KNOW, I MIGHT DIE IN MY SLEEP TONIGHT!And I want you to know where I put it just in case." She says. So I guess if she dies in her sleep tonight, I will just get up in the morning, retrieve the check and continue on to our morning trip to the store to buy her some more Depends and Mirilax cause good lord she can't do without those even if she's dead! I just looked at her and smiled and said ok I will know exactley where it is. It's just crazy how they don't seem to connect the dots anymore.
Thanks for the laugh!!!