This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I used to tell my mother that her family must have gone into the witness protection system because I couldn't find any information on them. Then, all of a sudden, I came across one document and it led to another and another and another... No more witness protection program now. I've found out all sorts of things that make the relatives nervous.
Maya-- WOW what great links for geneology. there is also a health geneology that you can keep track of. When my mom was doing our family lines, she would note the cause of death if listed on the death certificate. Cancer, Dementia, Osteoporosis etc. just adding my 2 cents.
I'm glad to have found this group when I needed the support.
The people in my picture are my dad's parents. She was fifty-four and he was fifty-two, believe it or not. He died a couple of months after that was taken. I never knew him, but I adored her.
sdpeg - welcome to the club of wise old women -you didn't make it or break it and you can't fix it - she knows how important it is - that's why she is doing it - glad u r saving your head from the brick wall (and vice versa). Wow A- that is really VERY good! What did you get on the pollyanna paper?
54 -thanks for keeping in touch - glad ur son got you in hand and the doc did too re your BP. You don't want to have a health crisis in the middle of this. Family pictures are good - , So glad hospice is helping - good to laugh and... remember to take care of you.
pegly -good to hear from you -a family health history sounds useful
shawna -now u will be on the computer even more
stormy - what's happenin'
jam how's the col today and how r u?
ladee - missing those stories of sonny watching birds and picking up sticks - you always portray such a peaceful picture with him and the opposite with marie
asg hope today is better
everyone (((((((hugs))))))
Marie has been doing much better about not snapping at me.. for one thing I have had a change in attitude, and I am sure she senses it...I am there to take care of SONNY, if there I can do for her, well good and fine.... so she has been much nicer. If she wants to get attention, it will have to be the positive kinds..... I don't have the energy for the negativity..... so, really, no complaints about her... lately, that can change and we know it....
It was too windy today for Sonny to go out..... there is something about it being windy that bothers all the Alz. I have ever taken care of...Marie had an appt in Austin today, so I let him nap while I got the 'suzy homemaker' crap done.....
People are really nervous here.. it was a windy day that made the dead tree fall on a power line that caused the horrible fire in Bastrop.... and we have many dead trees because of the drought....so all we can do is pray and wait and see..
Sorry you are having the blues , and you know nothing is going to be different with your mom, she is receiving excellant care, and other than using you for a target, she doesn't need you sacrificing your sanity and health for a few moments of guilt..... just keep doing what you'r doing, it is working for you...... more later to everyone else.. have a major sinus headache and am going to take a nap... I want to quit working so bad....
five yrs ago.... she is the main mortgage holder..there is at least 150 thousand equity in the home buyt he wont sell it.... five bedroom and he lives there alone- no kids- hes gay- he lost his job 1 month ago- dont know what to do ) :
(((((((hugs))))) Joan
Where I live you could make quite a bit renting the rooms out but don't know your situation. Is mum living with your or is she in a home?
Thanks for caring. I really appreciate it.
"A friend knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back when you have forgotten the words."
I pray I am that kind of friend to my Mom and I pray you all are that kind of friend to your parent, spouse, child, loved one, the one you care for.
I just had to share this with all of you tonight.
Good night!
I deeply appreciate the friends I have here!
SDPeg
Barnacles and the Tragedies of Life
Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.
Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.
Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.
To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.
We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.
To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.
However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.
We do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing.
Yesterday, I had a cousin's stepson --- he cuts the grass here --- start asking me about some of my father's belongings that were finally returned to us after many years. My father had left them in his mother's care when he was newly divorced from his first wife and was going back and forth overseas in the military. After my grandmother died, they simply disappeared and when we asked about them, we were told that no one knew what had happened to them. Well, that was a lie. My aunt and uncle simply decided that they wanted their kids to have them and so, they were tucked away out of sight. After my aunt and uncle died, my cousin began to run her mouth to some of the other cousins and when she hacked them off, they told me who had my father's things.
I gave this cousin chance after chance to tell me that she had them, but she didn't. Finally, I confronted her about them. She'd given some of his things to her grown demented stepson and even gone so far as to put leave one of my dad's things in her will to her crackhead son.
The stepson actually demanded to know where something of my dad's was because the cousin had given it to him and then, when I confronted her, had to go and get it back. My dad got these things while he was overseas in the fifties and they should have been returned. Frankly, they're nicer things than any of the alcoholic cousins would ever own, they thought that they were entitled to keep them. I had to actually contact the authorities and initiate an investigation before cousin would produce them. I told her stepson that it wasn't his business where they were, that in reality, my dad's things were basically stolen and hidden from him and that NO ONE outside of his widow and children even had the remotest claim on them, period.
I am so hacked off. I want to call the cousin and do some screaming at her. I feel like I shouldn't even be asked about what was done with my father's possessions because they didn't belong to anyone EXCEPT my father. Am I out of line or was he? And should I tell him to never step foot on this property again?
I think I would have to say that he has no right to ask and he was out of line its not his stuff its not his father and he's not even remotely connected to anyting to do with your father period. Its YOUR father's things not his. The screaming at the cousin won't do much but cause more strife but scream if you feel the need to. YOu should have never been asked what happened to your father's possessions. My dad's possessions what we have of them are in a tote... My idiot brother has his statues he collected we have one painting he used to do my sister Kathy has the rest. my niece has his pipe. My mom has his color guard vest but we don't have any of his medals as they were lost a long time ago and i am not sure how to go about getting them ...
Do you have a copy of your dad's service record? Did he receive VA benefits or military retirement? If you already have his service record, it's even easier.
cmag - very nice poem and worth a reread
maya -what a loser!!! - seen it happen before -people get greedy - agreed they have no right to your dad's things - and you do. I don't think u r out of line, I think he is - families----ugh!!!! If you need him to cut the grass maybe better to not tell him off - if you don't - whatever u want to do. Glad u got ur father's things back. They belong with u and your mum. Wish I could see your pics better - my eyes are not as good as they were.
wrestling with family stuff myself - not mother and sis so much but the effects of the toxic relationships I have with them on relationships with extended family members - The older ones who knew what mother was like have pretty well all died and I would rather not lose contact with all close to my age - but - could happen as the cr*p gets spread around. I think it is called character assassination.
sdpeg - what a nice thing for your facebook friend to do "A friend knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back when you have forgotten the words." - good one
ros - u r welcome -know u r hurting and missing Nickie-
shawna - sorry u lost stuff from your dad and family stuff too - the worst seems to come out of some people at these times
lunch out with my daughter today and gotta get that tax review looked after
have a good day everyone♥
jo
My friend was horrified when I made the comment that patience was what I wanted her to pray for me. She pointed out that for as long as I'd praying for patience, I had been dealing with one "trial" after another! She was right.
So, she suggested I pray for Joy, Happiness, Humor, Peace, Friendship, anything but Patience. I did. And it lifted my spirits. It didn't make the trials stop, but I began to appreciate the little bits of "light" and "light heartedness" I found in my world.
Thanks for reminding me of this. You are a blessing to me today, thank you. I need to find some "light" in my day as I am, like you, coping with my mother's dementia. So I am praying for your peace and mine, too!