This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
The lady that i was telling ya'll about that has the chorkie puppies wrote me back and said that she was giving the puppies away. I really want one. But hubby says that it has to stay outside. And i want it inside. I think they are too little to stay outside. He is worried about the puppy peeing and poohing on the inside. What should i do. How can i convince him to let the puppy stay inside. He said that i could get one, but it had to be a outside dog. He said we could bring the puppy inside to play with him but then he has to go back outside. What do ya'll think? Ya'll got any good ideas...........Stormyyyyyyyyyy
Cmag, loved your poem, saved it so I can read it again and again.. hope you are getting your roof fixed, enjoying your 'man cave' and know you are very appreciated on this thread......
Don't have a lot of positive to say this morning, so will say nothing other than ya'll are loved, and I will be so damned glad when Fri. gets here..... hugs across the miles to everyone.....
My heart aches for her. Because I can't drive, it is very hard to me to get to her (I have vision problems for the moment) and she absolutely refuses any in home care. I need to call her in a few minutes to check on her and almost wish I didn't have to make the call.
Thanks everyone, I'm glad I found this site. It's a warm place to come for some reassurance.
Having a few changes going on here and yes, I guess it's the grumpy time for more than one of us. I'm tired but trying to make things better.
Carolyn........I can't see if you are cq or cg......I think my glasses are still working...:) anyway, I'm so sorry to hear that your mother won't allow in-home care. If she is hallucinating that would worry me about being alone. Is she able to prepare her own meals and otherwise take care of herself? Does anyone physically check on her? Maybe there is a neighbor who could "drop in" just to see how she is doing. Sometimes it's easier to go along with whatever they are talking about because their mind isn't able to figure out that what they are saying or seeing is untrue. So, welcome and come back and visit with us.
stormy....going to throw my two cents in here. Small breed dogs are lap dogs and not built to stay outside like larger dogs are, especially a chorkie which might not weigh much more than 5lbs. Don't pee a lot when they do make a mistake though. Is Connor old enough to understand and take on the responsibility of training and caring for a pet? Probably not at this age, so you become primary doggie mommy. Hubby doesn't want a dog in the house, so what happens during bad weather? The personality of these types of pets is that they fiercely bond with the person who cares for them, and not getting to interact with you constantly will only leave a broken little heart. My chihuahua thinks he's my third leg, he is with me constantly, I get hugs from him, he lies in my lap when I am sitting. Right now he is snuggled up beside me sound asleep. Another thing to think about when leaving a small pet outside is that there are things that fly that can and will pick up a small animal and eat them for dinner. We guard our little ones at night when they make their potty runs for just that reason. Tell hubby they make excellent devices now for "house breaking" pets, small dogs can also be litter box trained. They have special training trays that catch the pee on a pad then you just pour the pee out. Good luck!
How are you doing Rossella? I'm hoping you are starting to feel maybe a wee bit better. How are the other dogs without Nicky with them? Everyday, I constantly look at my blind doggie to make sure she is still breathing. In people years she is 96, so I don't look for her to last much longer, although my mother also had a black poodle that lived for 19 yrs.
Hello to everyone else and am hoping y'all have a wonderful day. Need to get back on the phone and take care of more care giver issues.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
filled with light, and God appeared.
The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a
large rock in front of his cabin.
The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with
all his might...
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from
sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold,
massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling
that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)
decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary
mind. (He will do it every time!)
"You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't
moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was
impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving
just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a
matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting
all my strength to do that which you have asked.
Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a
millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you
to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.
Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.
Your task was to push.
And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you
have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself.
Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown;
your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become
massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your
abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't
moved the rock.
But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your
faith and trust in My wisdom.
That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.."
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own
intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants
is just simple obedience and faith in Him.
By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that
it is still God Who moves the mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong.................................Just P.U.S.H.
When the job gets you down...............................................Just P.U.S.H.
When people don't do as you think they should.................Just P.U.S.H.
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due..............Just P.U.S.H.
When people just don't understand you..............................Just P.U.S.H.
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
A thought to help us get through the day............................
Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I am afraid for her and , yes, we do have people check in on her.
I generally just go along with her. But hearing her total dispair last night really got to me. I don't know if she accepted what I said or not. It didn't help me to say that dad has passed. I could have said something else, I suppose but at that moment, my heart ached for her and I wanted to ease her pain if at all possible.
Thanks for your kind words, Jam.
Jam-i know that i would be the one to clean up after the little one. I can hardly get connor to clean up his play room. I have told hubby that the puppy would be too little to stay outside. And also the dangers that could come along with that. And i had thought also about a litter pan for the puppy. And i had told him that i would bring the puppy with me to dads to stay while i am here taking care of him. As i said before dad and mom had a chihuahua and she only weighed 3 or 4 lbs. and i could not conceive the idea of something so small staying outside and neither could my parents. And i know hubby knows deep down that little dog could not stay outside in the elements along with flying hawks or eagles. I'm going to keep working on him i just have to tread lightly with him. I have always wanted a small lap dog. That would be the whole point of me getting one. So we will see what happens..... Oh i like your thought for the day it makes alot of sense... Hugs stormyyyyyyy
I have not disappeared off the face of the Earth. I am a student and it is midterm time.
I had a great counseling session with my on campus therapist and a good meditation group yesterday. There are things I learned that I will share, perhaps over the weekend.
I thank you all for being my friends.
Always,
SDPeg
I am wondering about something that I just learned from the nursing home today. Last night, my mom absolutely refused to let anyone change her depends for she just wanted everyone to leave her alone.. This morning was not a problem. I've also learned that since her visit with her neurologist a week or two ago than my mother has been very quiet and sleeping a lot. My step-dad's helper is wondering if her dementia is getting worse. I wonder if the reality that she has been there more than a few months and that she is very likely not going home is sinking in or if this is another sign of her just giving up and wanting to be left alone like she told the neurologist about when it comes to getting out of the bed and sitting, but then she complains about being bored. My step-dad's helper sounded like there might be something that I can do about all of this, but I doubt it. I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Stormy I am happy your father is better; of course he is like a car with many problems so you have always to fix this and that. My father was the same during his last 10 years of life! Always something wrong.
Jam, my dogs are terribly sad and Camilla, the dog that has the same age as Nicky, and has spent her whole life with her, when we walk she always looks behind her shoulder to see if Nicky is coming. I have started to walk behind her, so when she turns, at least she sees me.
Nicky was a dog who was very much loved by everyone and she had a lot of human friends. My helpers are sad as if a dog of theirs were dead. My helpers'children are very sad, too. One of them came to me yesterday and she wanted to see Nicky's grave, she wanted to give her a little bell that she had bought for her, and she choose the most beautiful rose in the garden for Nicky. It was very moving and I understood the child had to spend some time with me alone because she wanted to see if I was sorry for what I had done to Nicky or if I was a monster. When it was the time to go home, the child told me she loved me. And I asked her "Do you love me even if I have killed Nicky?" (because I understood this was a point that had to be discussed) and the child said: "I know you didn't want to do it". And her mother told me that when she came home she was much more peaceful, after 2 days of tears! I know you love children, Jam, so you can understand all the story very well.
Useless to say I still feel guilty and I am trying to survive with it. My friends here are very supportive. My brother doesn't give a damn... Always the same old story.
Kisses everyone
Looks like the col is scavenging in the kitchen.....not time for dinner but that leg must be empty.
Sounds like a lot of excuses, but we will make this work. Hopefully, before it's too late.
The set up of your folks' apartment sounds lovely. Encouraging as many photos is what I would say. And validating her feelings "you are right mom this is not your 'home' as you have known it for years" is the best thing I think that could be said.
One thing I would like to add: my brother got a dumpster, put it in the driveway and put things in it and had those things picked up not once but twice and my mom saw that. To think that the things you owned are worth nothing more than being thrown into a dumpster added insult to injury. Please, when you dispose of something, don't let her see you do that. After all, with those items in the dumpster went memories my mom had attached to those things and it was too soon to part with those memories.
Also when you help her go through her things, if there is no rush for some things, take your time with her. let her talk about the party she went to in that dress you think should have been disposed of years ago. Let her tell you the fun she had with this or that and above all...record those stories. You may not remember them as this is traumatic for you as well...but those stories are for you as well as they are for her.
I will be praying for you while you do this ... yes it is awful to see her cry ... my heart breaks with yours. Accentuate the positive, listen to the stories, take pictures of things you know she can't take with her. Then cry with her. That's one of the best things you can do, validate her feelings. SDPeg
Carolyn can't you and your brothers together hire a caregiver? Sorry if I mind your business.
Stormy, do you want to go on vacation? Again? You have been on vacation 3 days last summer! You are too demanding, sister! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
welcome KT, how sad for your mom and for you to have to watch... a lot of reassurance, validation on how upsetting and hard this must be for her, lots of memories to take with her.... let us know how things are going, this is a great thread, so happy you have both joined us...
And I agree with you Ro, Stormy wanting another vacation... hmph, want away girl, we all WANT something..... lol.... more later, this has been one long week, glad it is over, get caught up later this evening.... Nap time.....
Big welcome HUG to the new ladies.
I wrote earlier this week that with my counseling I learned so much about Mom and myself that I would share it with you and I will. However, Mom is in a great mood and wants to do some things today so I am taking advantage of that. I thank God for a good day (not tired, grouchy, "in the cloud" as she says). I am hoping the Paxil and thyroid meds are FINALLY starting to do their thing. That's my hope!!!
I will be on later ~ in between studying for a midterm.
I must say I have the best professors who hear my life struggles and support me through this tough time. God is good! (Not preaching, just taking a deep breath)
SDPeg
Brandy I remember your name but I don't remember you had posted a lot lately. Sorry for your situation! Nobody of us really is in an easy situation.
Good night to everybody