This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
sounds like everyone is ticking along -
terri - do you have an alternative for your mum - as long as she gets away with this behaviour she will keep prob doing it -is it alz or just the way she is?
seeme - good to hear from u -take your time over what you have to do - it isn't easy
ladee - marie laughed - that is awesome and amazing!!!
stormy - sorry dad fell but glad he is not sore -yes, we go out at those temps -some work outside then too. I try to avoid the worse days now that I am retired but schools keep going - nothing shuts down unless there is a blizzard and the RCMP says to keep off the roads. The college shut down once in the 25+ years i worked there
jam -woo hoo!!! 14 lbs off - the NH sounds great -think the col will enjoy herself
ros -glad u r around - praying for work and pay!
54 - hanging in there I see - such a long process -so glad u have help
sdpeg -how ya doin'?
tpeg -it will work out - somehow... glad u have counselling tomorrow
cmag - good one re the Oz
everyone - thinking of you - gotta finish my tea and get back to the kitchen -apple crumble in the oven
love, hugs and prayers to all ♥♥♥
jo
My midterm went ok, thanks for asking. Was happy that about 8 of us got together for a study group right before the test. Certain things stuck in my head because someone else said it you know. Perhaps I did as well as I thought I did. There is only so much this brain can house and then it explodes!!! ha ha
My check engine light is on my 2003 Hyundai Accent (111,000 miles ~ I am blessed with a car that let's me know when it needs attention!!!). My coolant container is about empty with evidence of spillage all over that side. The last time the hood was up was for my smog check (passed) so it might just be something small and inexpensive (I hope) So I think tomorrow I will have to miss my morning class and maybe my afternoon one as well. Ugh! But thankfully only 6 more weeks of school, then finals, then a month break!!! Whew! I should make it.
I hired a new caregiver for my mom for Mondays (my longest day at school) and apparently they had a good time. Mom went to bed. I am blessed she goes to bed early, does not wander at night, I hear her get up to go to the bathroom but she goes back to bed. Trust me, after reading about you others with night owls and wanderers, I know I am blessed!!!
For the posts over the weekend about the wonderful Wizard of Oz...two of my granddaughters will be in that play ... they are munchkins. Your post made me smile!
Good night and thank you all for being my friends on this site. Adore you!!!
SDPeg
Time for bed........long day tomorrow. Hope everyone sleeps well tonight.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Dads doc appointment was good. His doc is such a good guy. We talked about stay in hospital and possibility that the fluid is coming from kidneys since they are functioning at 80% or less as well as congestive heart failure. Then on to the anemia that is major concern. There is something called erythropoietin that the kidney produces to stimulate red blood cells in bone marrow. It is possible since dads kidneys aren't at 100% that this could be a factor in dads anemia. Also dad still has the pain in abdomen that he had when he went into hospital. We will get CT of that area on Wed. Dad also had appointment with dermatologist ..6 month check but he had a skin cancer on head that had to come off. Poor dad it was a long exhausting day. PT will be coming tomorrow, I hope he is up to it. Docs in hospital took dad off Celexa at night...I am going to start it back as he is getting antsy, down and very emotional at times.
Will check in tomorrow..prayers
I think the cousins have finally accepted that sibs won't be there for our mother. Now if they would just get it into their heads that I really am an adult and have taken care of her without anyone's help for many years. She's alive, so I must have done something right, even if it was only to pray for her every single day.
Sometimes I wish the sibs had these worries on them, but I don't think that she'd be taken care of if they did. I hated to point out to dear brother what a NH would cost and how little would have to be left if they had to get her approved for Medicaid. I think the twenty or thirty dollars I spend on things I need a month is much cheaper, don't you?
Not much new here. Mom told me the "kids" were there when I called last night. She had not eaten yet (6:20 pm) and was waiting for them to tell her to fix their plates. She told me what she really wanted to do was "throw the plates at them. I am so sick of them ignoring me!"
Oh dear, Mom. And no, Dad isn't coming home for dinner.
I wonder, do the other family members who are so rich with suggestions want to substitute for me for a few days? I'd welcome the relief...but I'd be afraid of the agitation they might cause.
On the other hand, my caring sister in CA found the coleslaw recipe on line that Mom can't find. (I'm sure it's in her recipe box somewhere.) I so appreciate that she is also calling Mom frequently.
I am grateful today for my sister, the sun shine and my cats who just want to cuddle this morning.
Have a good day, all.
I have family member who are in denial of my Mom's health but I can't change them. I can just do what I can to be the best daughter/caregiver I can be to her. I know that others would never be able to do what I do with the quality I do it; should she outlive me, God bless those that think this is easy.
Prayers,
SDPeg
I clean blood drips from my mom's incision that get all over the bathtub, the floor, the towels, etc.... I clean the stuff off of the toilet seat. I can vacuum ten times a day and there will still be crumbs there a half hour later.
They look down on me because their homes are freaking spotless. Do I care any longer? Nope, I'm just happy when she doesn't fall over all the tubing that she has to wear and the power cords from the machines.
Know what I mean?
maya I know the feeling of wondering if you are going to outlast the one u care for. Moving churches can be stressful - and that which leads up to it, You don't have to do what the cousins want to you to do, do you? You are not beholden to them. Who are these cousins anyway - the self appointed caregiver's cops? An NH may be necessary at some time, especially of your health is suffering. Yes, the $20-30 is cheaper.
sdpeg - hope it is nothing big with ur car - I have a couple of lights on too that G is supposed to get at - one is a bulb - no biggie there and one may be an air filter - no biggie either. Glad the midterm went well.
vic - hope they find the cause of the abdominal pain -and may the celexa kick in soon and dad be a happier camper. Hope u can relax a little.
carolyn - I don't write about the down times, of which there are many. I used to be a morning person (and once in a while still am) but since retiring I usually do liitle before the afternoon and I love it. G comes home for supper and that is when I am busiest usually. I like cooking and he likes home made everything. I have always worked with spurts of energy and down times (when possible - wasn't when the kids were little) and as I get older the downtimes get longer and the spurts of energy shorter lol. Glad you have cuddly cats - my Toonie (tabby) is a great cuddlebug, Critical sibs get pretty aggravating.
hi dede -thx for the prayers. Back at ya! Hope mum is fine.
Oh seeme - just what you didn't need right now and I am sure she didn't either. Another mum for u to care for!!! You need those puppies for sure! Is it still Pingo and Shart? Take care of you!!!! I am hoping something else works out.
ladee - let us know how ur day went -hope Sonny is more upbeat today.
jam -waiting for a report of your day's work...
everyone -check in and let us know how u r
Slept like a log last night. Been dealing with some emotions from extended family and family of origin issues and feeling a bit like a deflated balloon. I thought by this age I would have all that stuff sorted out, but no such luck - still learning.
have a good one
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
I have waited patiently for the opportunity to finally get to say to a certain person SHAME ON YOU! And yes, I know who you are. I hope you have been able to sleep at night with the knowledge of the anguish and bewilderment that you subjected an elderly woman to. A person who has been loved and cared for and watched over every minute. And who didn't deserve your petty interference into her life. You didn't hurt me personally, you hurt me because you hurt her and for that I hope someday God will forgive you.
Love and Hugz to all my true friends,
Jam
Seeme, I am sending prayers for another solution for your mil.... you will step up, because that is who you are..... but I just pray there is another way this can be taken care of..... too much too soon...
Vic, what did the CT scan show on dad today, was it today??? Forgive me if I have the days mixed up... hope you are getting some rest...
Emjo, I have retirement envy..... I would so LOVE to not have to work.....and you deserve to have your mornings to do as you please.... Is G liking his new job??? And hope some resolution comes soon for you on family matters......
Sonny was down again today.... had to take him to get his flu shot, he was so disoreinted and confused.... very anxious..... but that is done, so hope the weather stays pretty for a few days so he and I can go outside..... it isn't even winter here but Marie does not want him outside.... agrhhhh... and I am getting BORED.... No one wants me to be BORED, there is nothing nice about that.....
Will get caught up on other posts and be back later..... love ya'll
My brother and SIL don't say anything about my house (even if they look around with disapproving eyes) but there is a subject that they deal with, every single time they come: My mother's shoes! My mother has to wear open sandals, summer and winter, because her feet are in such a bad condition that she can't stand ANY kind of shoe. And every single time my brother and SIL come, they look at her shoes and ask me why I don't find a solution for that. They are ashamed to take her to lunch with her sandals on, I guess. (Once a month, of course)
Those people are eons and eons far from our real life...
Seeme, don't let your MIL become permanent... Please. You have already given your share.
Well me and sis carried dad to the dr today it was a scheduled appt for a check up on the throat stretch. Dr said that dads throat was more open this time that he went in and he was able to stretch it even more. So he is thinking maybe dad can go longer next time without having to get the stretch done every 6 to 7 weeks. But dad did tell him that he was still having trouble getting stuff down. So doc wants dad to have a barium swallow study done in nov to just swallow different textures of food to see what is going on. Then sis asked him about the coffee grounds in his feeding tube(we have only seen that once) but before she said anything to doc she said i told dad that it was probably coming from his surgery he had done on his throat. And doc said that yeah that is probably what it was. But all these stretches he has never had coffee grounds in his feeding tube. Oh well he is the doctor and i guess he knows what he is talking about.
Dad told sis the other day that he just didn't feel good and she asked him what was bothering him and he said i don't know i just don't feel good. Then today when we get back from the drs office i started cleaning dads neck because it is still sore and the left side is the one that has been bothering him more than the right. And i started looking and i swear that collarbone was swollen. And i started mashing on it and asking dad was it sore here and he said yes. Sis thinks that maybe the infection from his neck has gone to the collarbone. Stormy thinks that the cancer has gone to the collarbone. But i haven't told sis that.... Because she would just say nah it's probably just infection. Hell, I don't know what it is.
Then the other thing is brother has had this thing come up on his ear that has been there for about 2 months we thought it was a cyst(that's what it looked like) and it started getting bigger and getting more sore. Me and sis kept telling him to have it looked at and yesterday he saw the dermatologist and they cut it off and she told him that it looked like basal cell cancer. And she is sending it off and he will have the results next week. But i did read that,that kind rarely spreads lord i hope not. So please keep him in your prayers. He is so comical he said he told the doctor "why don't you just get a whole puncher and punch a hole in there and then i can wear a earring in there. Then the other thing he said about dad was, I told him that sis and i couldn't figure out why dad couldn't get full and he said i know why he said because all that food is going into his lungs. I said boy you are crazy!!!!! He has not done right by me and sis with helping out with dad, but we love him and he does keep us laughing because of his little remarks about everyone. And he is doing better going to church and getting involved in there and he has not had anything to drink in awhile and he has been trying to help out more with dad. Well better get to bed. Talk to ya'll tomorrow. Hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyy
I do need opinions and I don't mind how differing they are.
6 weeks ago I spent almost $2000 on the transmission in my car. I was overjoyed to have that problem resolved. (Not so overjoyed to pay the bill however!!!)
Last night my check engine light went on and today the mechanic (not at the tranny shop) said it looks like the head gasket and gave me an estimate of between $1500 and $3000. What choice do I have? I need my car. We are out in the rural area and it is miles from everywhere!!! Ok, so much for justifying telling him to go ahead and figure out what needs to be done and he will call me along the way and yes I trust him (he is well known in this town and his wife is my mom's hairdresser so there is no reason not to trust him with his input on what needs to be done).
This is my problem: my brother, yep, here he is again in my thoughts and posts. He has his finger in my mom's financial pie. My mom offered to help me with the repairs (help in what form I do not know at this time because I was weeping ~ I cry when I am mad ~ and I didn't ask her to clarify) and I know my brother will find out (mom is a big mouth) and make negative comments. I already alerted my sister and her response is that it is my MOM"S money and the decision is between mom and me but we all know those bully siblings/family members.
There is no option: I have to borrow or receive the money. I welcome input about how to and what to say to this "Golden Boy" ... just because HE has money doesn't mean everyone else does.
And to ask mom to keep this between she and I ... she can't do that ... she is the town crier you know!!!
Thanks for listening ... needed to get all this out before I go to bed.
SDPeg
How old is this car? How many miles does it have on it? Are these the first really major repairs it has needed or has it been nickle and dimming you along the way? I ask that because to put $3,500-$5,000 into a car that is very old might now be as good an idea as spending a little more on a younger used car with lower miles. That's my opinion. If it is the head gasket and that is all you can do is to get that repaired, then get it done soon before the anti-freeze goes into your cylinders and costs you the entire engine.
BTW, yesterday was a good turning point in my life as pertaining to 6 years of therapy with a 2 year focus on a certain person in my family of origin to whom I wrote a letter, (not to be mailed), expressing my anger and pain which I read to my therapist. My therapist said, I had finally gotten totally in touch with my anger and asked what I wanted to do with the letter. I told him that I wanted to burn it. We had enough time to go outside, burn the letter, pray a prayer of release of all that pain, anger, guilt, shame, homicidal thinking, etc. as it finished burning in the can and then concluded by casting the ashes of the letter into the wind. I feel free and much calmer. Come what may today, this is how I'm doing today.
It's dark and gloomy, a little rainy, sitting here with a cup of coffee and wondering what I am going to do today since I don't have to fire up the camera and check in on the col and I read CMag's last post and I just want to thank you! Reading what you wrote about feeling calmer instantly gave me a feeling of peace and a sense that today will be a very good day.
Shawna......I saw last night that you had tried to talk to me on FB............never fear, I am not ignoring you! I have a bad habit of being there and getting up to do something else and it may be hours before I get back. By the way, I loved the pic of mom scooping out that pumpkins innards..............
SDPeg.......I agree with CMag on your car. Get a second opinion before you start pouring money into a lost cause. A couple of yrs ago we were having trouble with our car and no one would touch a Cadillac, said we had to take it to a dealer, well there isn't one close. The place that does all of our glass repair sent us to a garage, he immediately diagnosed the problem and repaired everything except the heat for the driver's seat....thought there was a short in the wire, so we said no problem. As long as I have the heat on my side we're okay.....:) And he also helped another friend who thought she was looking at thousands of dollars in repairs, he told her to give him a day to look up the error code she was getting, and it turned out the fix was a fuse. Even though you are friends with your mechanic, a second opinion might save you a lot of money.
stormy.........Stomach acid is what makes the blood look like coffee grounds.
I will check back a little later after I have read everyone's posts.
Love and Hugz to all,
My dilemma is how to deal with judgmental brother.
WE ALL have these siblings that really need to hear "this is none of your business so butt out" and seriously this is where I am at today ... tell him to mind his own business and how and when I repay mom is between her and me. It's these siblings that add stress rather than the repair cost itself.
Maybe I have answered my own dilemma ... so this post I am asking for prayers to be strong enough and bold enough to say "butt out".
Thanks for your input. Thanks for listening.
SDPeg
He "sees" all transactions because he has all of her accounts online.
What SHE does with HER money is HER business.
For instance, today, she has very little cash in her wallet and caregiver and mom will probably go to the bank to withdraw. Once brother sees withdrawal he questions my mom on what that withdrawal is for seeing as he has most of her bills paid online as well. So it is more so noticing the withdrawal, questioning my mom about each and every withdrawal, and she answers him. She does not keep secrets from him at all.
So she could lend a dozen people money without his immediate knowledge or consent legally but it is more so the stress of the questioning etc etc that I am focusing on.
Or maybe I won't focus on that today and just enjoy my class this morning, counseling this afternoon and meditation group later this afternoon. Then if and when he questions ME I will tell him "that's between me and mom". Maybe I could leave out "none of your business" ha ha
Actually if you think about it, the stress is between him and my mom and not me at all. I am just a borrower and that does not involve him at all.
This group is not only great for suggestions and input but great for the brain while trying to process some things.
Thanks!!!
SDPeg