The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Jam: I love how you think!!! Thanks! Hugs SDPeg

SDPeg.....I see now from your last post, that your brother doesn't have to be involved at all. So why worry? If he questions you, just tell him it's none of his business, that's it.

Thank you for the strength to do that. I have the habit of ignoring people that bug me and not answer but I want to speak up and saying something this time. I also would love for my mom to start to keep secrets but that's never going to happen. So I will change me and speak up. This group is good for me in that regard. I haven't really spoken up and told people it's none of their business but I can make that change in my life. Thanks SDPeg

SDPeg, I tell you what I think, even if you never reply to what I say... I agree with Cmag and Jam, if a car makes you spend too much money, it is time to change the car.
Stormy oh my God never a moment of peace, poor dear! I really hope some peace arrives in your family.
Ladee thanks for your messages on Facebook. I'll write you there, later!
'Night everybody

hey all it has been crazy here for a good while and hubby is still about the same. We had a pastor over here to help hubby find some peace and know that god has forgiven him. He still overeacts to small things and I got my job straighten out so now I do have hrs besides my other caregiver help coming to help me. I on the other hand is developing chronic tension headaches/migraines and the neuro doesnt want to mix drugs so he still hasnt give me anything for it but my doc gave me ibruprofen 800 mgs worth to take 3 times a day. I can't tolerate the screaming and the arguing anymore. Then I have my sister in law crying is woe is me and do not abandon me. Her exhusband wants her out of the house but this woman refuses to do anything to help herself but she is fighting for her ssdi. I am not taking care of that woman either. How is there a way I can get the landlord to make a new lease agreement. He is wanting nearly all my husband ssdi and that leaves me nothing to pay bills barely or he is asking for 7,200 when i am trying to save money. I already parted with nearly brand new 07 chevy malibu for this house were in. Yet he doesn't have the nerve to sit down and negotiate new lease terms. I only get paid every 2 wks and waiting for my case manager to do new assessment to get more hours. Every night my husband sleep apnea is getting worse and he wakes up wheezing sometimes confused. He also losing some long term and short term memory function. Yet my landlord thinks we got money to blow when it seems to me he is being discriminatory and taking advantage of disabled spouse. I am in charge of all family finances. I am tired of ppl saying they understand then refuse to understand...they do not live here...they do not raise my kids nor see what i go thru to take care of those I love. I am barely lucky to get paid to looking after him. I need to get a nap before i cook dinner and begin my evening shift when the kids go to bed. He has lost his temper some and cussing more which he has never done and falling asleep on the toilet. I still havent seen a shower seat or bathroom rails for him. I havent seen a cpap machine for him also and he needs one for night time but he cant handle travel and if i even given this other pulmonlogist a shot besides reschedule a seziure test there is no guarantee. He is also been feverish and yet clammy n cool to the touch. I know its part of the tension and I still see my therapist but i am tired of feeling anger and helpless about everything...how do i get my landlord understand I have less than 1000 to work with per month and i still have to pay utilities on the house. I love my family and I will do everything I can...I just can't believe he is threatening us with smaller place which is no good for access of the power chair and /or eviction but there is no other place to go too....everything is rented out...how much more can I go thru this please pray for peace and strength for my family...also pray that I have the will power to win the negotiate with the landlord come rent time and establishing a new lease or else were homeless or worse...i can't believe how compassion just dies in some ppl and then the ugly comes back only for the fake sympathy comes for a visit only to bum what is not theirs. I so want to get out of here..email me or fb under poet2write at yahoo.com btw if i do not recognise ya from this site i am sorry i just do not add ppl i do not know so give me indication of who u are and ill add u to either:) ty n god bless n peace off to take a nap ty.

I stirred up the hornets nest here today. Monday F-i-L says he is going to be ready to go hunting nov 11. I got worried, concerned, and ready to send him home, if he is ready to go hunting he must be ready to go home. I thought on this and stressed about how it was going to happen, because we are still waiting to see the "letter" bully brother threatened to write in his last email 9/15. never saw a letter through U.S. mail. I assumed sweet sis had brought it with her. well, f-i-l didn't know bully brother had said he was coming to take "his" dad hunitng. I gave Rex a 2 page written statement of how i fell things should go now that he is eady to go hunting. Well, my hubby doesn't want dad to go hunting, because the antibiotics are still being phased out, and going out hunting will put undue stress on dad, and could cause his weak body to become ill again. I think he is recovering fully and can go home and i said so in my letter to him. Well, i asked if he wanted to try to talk to Bully on the phone and he said, well yeah, and sooner would be better than later. so i dialed the phone and went outside this morning with my hubby, so he could have full privacy. Bully brother has total distrust of us and has sent a new litiany of insults our way today- via email, because of the phone call. I need to add the F-i-L is profoundly deaf, even with his hearing aids. And bully thinks it is suspicious that dad can hear other people on the phone, but not him.

I certianly stirred up things, but Dad has decieded to not go hunting. And told Bully this much on the phone. Bully even threatened to send the police to do a welfare check on "his" dad. Please send them. We are not holding him here against his will, and that he chooses to stay with us over the option to go to bully's house, says volumes as well.

On the home front, I called my dad to see how my mom is, ALZ. and she has taken to wondering off, and also disposing of her id tag. She wasn't able to pass urine and her lower back hurt. So I was really worring about her as well. I talked with him again this morning, she was able to give the doctor a sample and the pain had gone by that time. she is on Cipro and will remain so for 10 days, and then start another lower grade antibiotic. He has really gone through alot with taking care of her. He still has a sense of humor, saying it could be worse, one of the neighbors had ALZ and she used to take her clothes off and going walking up the streets of town.

Burned, I wish I could say something that would help. Your landlord is scum, he shouldn't be able to change your lease in the middle of health crisis. Is there any free legal aid in your area?

SDPeg, oh honey, your mom will help you, your car is necessary. Bully bro can take a hike.

I leave my FB on all day too, it's a bad habit. darn FB games, addictive.
Cmag thanks.
Stormy, hugs
everyone else here, lots of love.

Do most very elderly people die suddenly or do they have to go through some long painful disease?

Cmag, no, you didn't talk too much about cars......it's just great to know I have a 'go to guy' now ..... I have no one to help me understand these things, so if I were having problems I feel I could ask you questions, and not be taken advantage of by a mechanic..... so thanks for the input.... I personally am glad you shared your knowledge.....
TPeg, well , sometimes the hornets needs to be bothered.... you have a right to express yourself about the situation... and the fact your mom is not doing well, and you are taking care of fil, well, is he your step fil???? Am happy to hear you are stating your feelings.... no one can read our mind...... and maybe it is time for him to go home.... and bully brother, well let them come do a welfare check, then they will know bully brother is crying 'wolf'...... I hate it for you that things have to get so messy, but maybe this will be a blessing in disguise..... no matter the outcome, you got to have your feelings.... so proud of you for taking a stick to the hornets nest... nothing changes unless something changes... so let us know what happens.... and be proud of yourself for standing up for what you believe.... hugs to you...

seriously, that sounds like a strange thought, but my poor grandfather has gone through hell and back with heart disease, my whole life. The poor guy has suffered and suffered. They told us a few years ago nothing they could do and we have been soooo blessed to have him still around for all these years. Last year his heat stopped in a public place, a lady who meant well didn't know of his health conditions did cpr...we were glad we go him again for the holidays another birthday. A couple months ago he became real ill, was taken to the hospital multiple times. They said we can't help him get hospice. He refused. He can't walk anymore, smothers all the time. Hurts all the time. Has broken ribs from the cpr that didn't heal well. He is in so much pain and suffering, he was a hard worker and is in so much distress from not being able to do anything. Its so sad. My grandmother died of cancer, but before s
She died they butchered her up trying to fix her. Caused her so much pain and probably lessened the time we had with her. She was in her late 80s. Don't ask me why I am thinking on this tonight, my heart is just heavy for my grandpa. It was so sad seeing him this way. Its even sadden seeing it go on. They say he will just die suddenly at any moment. I can't imagine.
he did they bu

What happened to people getting really old and just peacfully going in their sleep? It seems like, now they have to deal with alzhiemers, renal failures, heart failures, cancers other odd forms of dementia, extended hospitals stays,painful treatments. Sorry to sound so depresssing. But when I was a kid we would just get a call in the middle of the night or early morning when an eldr would pass on.

On a diffrent note, peghubba did you see on the news they have developed shoes with gps in them, just for people like your mom, who becomes paranoid and hids their id tag.

ASG........are you wishing or what? Sorry sweetie, that one slipped out, it's been a strange day. I guess I would have to say that none of us know the answer to that question. We are born with a plan already in place and only God can say when we will take our final breath. Some elderly people die in their sleep, chances are if an autopsy were done it would find perhaps a cardiac event, but in most instances no one bothers with that in the elderly. I've seen people sit down in a chair to watch tv and they are found there later, pulseless and non-breathing. Several years ago, I heard of an elderly woman who was seen in the ER for something like a cold. Sent home and found several hours later, dead from a cough drop that was caught in her throat. Was it her time to go? If she hadn't put that thing in her mouth would she have lived longer? Who knows? My mom became ill on a Friday, aspiration pneumonia, and passed away the next Wed morning, not really sudden, but it wasn't a lingering painful disease either. What's on your mind tonight?

burned.....I hope you can get things straight with your landlord. I don't know the laws in your state, but I would think it would be illegal to evict someone with health problems such as your husband is suffering from. Do you qualify for subsidized housing? Here it is called Section 8, don't know about elsewhere. I hope things settle down for you soon.

Pegly.....does anyone have POA for Fil or is he still responsible for himself? Tell bully bro to come get him, you will have his bags packed. You shouldn't have to put up with strong-armed tactics from anyone. If he doesn't want to do that and FIL doesn't want to go, then just stand up to big mouth and tell him to keep it shut. It really irritates me how many people are held hostage by big bags of hot air that don't want to do anything more than run their mouths. Okay, I'm climbing down off my soapbox now. It's been a tough day of doing nothing. Talked with the col earlier and she is doing great. Played Bingo this morning, today was "Ice cream social day", she sounded happy. Told us not to bring pictures to put on her walls because she won't be there that long......surprise!!!!!!

Hope everyone has a good evening......

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

Ladeeda, thanks I needed the boost. Your Right, thanks. Allshesgot- yep I question all our medical advances...quality of life? The story of your grandma- sounds like what my F-i-L saw with his mother in law, cancer, heart surgery and painful prolonged suffering. He will not have heart surgery, it's in his living will.
Rex is my hubby's dad. I call him dad. My folks live in Mass, my dad is my mother's primary caregiver, my younger sister lives with them, and does her part as well. I know. I have two other siblings that all check in with them weekly. I'm here they are there. I left after high school and have been 'away' since. It was not ideal growing up, but all has been forgiven, he was beaten as a kid and I have forgiven him for his poor parenting choices. He has redeemed himself with taking care of mom. I will see if he is aware of the shoes, i love the idea. again thank you everyone for being here and caring so much for all of us.

Asg, I know where you are coming from with the thoughts you are having.... I sometimes wonder if "modern medicine' is a good thing.... yes there are many wonderful breakththrus but sometime shouldn't we just let the elderly body do what it is supposed to do...... The understanding of Alz, much less a cure will not come for many generations.... not doing us any good at all right now..... and then there are people like us who take care of the elders to keep them out of NH's that are no place to put your dog much less a human being...... and yes, there are wonderful places for the elders, if we could afford it...... I have always said if I get really sick, take me to the vet and have me put to sleep..... I do not want Dr's playing' wonder what this is" on me.... or let's give her this or that to see what happens.... I did not get this far in life to be a damned science experiment...... oh and by the way, I am very very upset with my son tonight...... and have some tough choices to make..... I resent the piss out of the position I have gotten myself into with him..... and just for this evening, any one crossing my path looking for some sh** is going to find more than they bargained for..... I am so tired.... and time for some major changes....... IT IS MY TURN NOW....

Jam we didn't do a POA, but it will be discussed in time. He is still able to keep track of his bills, on a house that sits empty. But he intends to return. Bully just sent another email, and OMG he has totally lost his mind. He says he will never talk to us again. He is trying to get me to send back a more explosive email and sink to his low level. Ain't gonna happen. I will print out for "his"dad to see. but i really hate to involve the old man. but his first born son, is a bully.

Jam...he he he not this time. Just really sad for my grandfathers suffering. Peg I have saw my grandfather after heart surgery more than a couple of times. Its scary. Ladee, sorry you are having trouble with your son. With all these medical miracles they are coming up with, I'm pissed they haven't come up with a stupid pill(not saying your son is, I don't know the situation). All they seem to have is pills to give us to calm us down;) what ever happened to preventative medicine?

I think I am the one that needs the "stupid pill' since I fall for his shit time and again... felt something in me break tonight.... I will change this situation for myself, I am NO ONE'S victim, not even him....

Hi all: I have read all the supportive posts regarding my drama with my car/brother. I deeply appreciate all the input. Truly I do. And if I don't respond right away, let's blame my cell phone for that.
Before I "updated" a few websites I was able to read and respond to the posts on this site, I guess I have to do something in order to take the block off that has disabled me to do so. I love reading these posts while in between classes or at lunch while at school. I have grown to care for many, many if not almost all of you that I have gotten to know. I will have to take time to figure out what glitch the updating caused.
I have said this before and I will say it again: we are all in the same boat so let's keep rowing together and always remember to wear our life jackets!!!
Love across the miles,
SDPeg

Peg of San Diego, please read my message on your wall-
Peg of Arizona, Burned in, I am sorry you are having such a difficult period. I am lucky right now with my mother, we have sort of a peaceful routine that I hope will last for a while. I don't have the illusion it will last forever.
ASG, I think that many years ago, too, there were peaceful deaths and long exhausting deaths.. People talked less about it, I think. People talked less "in general". People died when they were younger, but if they had a bad disease they had a lot of pain, too. Maybe, a long time ago, things went a little bit faster because there weren't the treatments and the medicines that exist today... I agree with Ladee, I won't do it for myself, and as soon as I see something is really wrong I don't think I will cling to life just to prolong it a few years or a few months.
Ladee I am sorry, problems again with your son?
Kuli has lost her father several hours ago... If you know her, maybe you want to tell her something.
Goodnight

Rossella: I did and I thank you for being my friend!!! SDPeg

hey gang sorry I didn't respond earlier today. The cold is getting to me mom is doing okay she is watching the window tonight its pretty damn cold I think we will be changing the way the room is done to get her away from the window as its too cold for her to be sitting by the window when the winter comes. I can do that myself as I am not asking any of my dang siblings to help. I've had enough of their bullcrap for awhile. Yes I know that my sister is going to help by taking us grocery shopping on the 4th and regular shopping cause with the cold I do not want to walk with mom. its okay for me but I just don't want to take her out in the winter and we are supposed to be getting snow tomorrow UGH which cuts short anything I can do with mom outside of the house when I don't have a dang CAR! I need to get a car badly I have to go to the veterans place tomorrow to talk to agent to see if we can find a way for mom to qualify for the veterans thing. I hated to do it but I had to turn the heat on as it was just getting too cold otherwise. I'd rather pay the extra cash for having the heat on then have mom sick. She's doing good she's eating well her sugar is good thank god. I been working on more images I am not sure what else I am going to do we will see...

ASG.........COW PATTIE!!!!

Yeah me!!!:) Let's see what can I do with this one? Maybe I can loan it to Ladee to throw at her son;) maybe it would make her feel better. Ladee Honey your not stupid, your a mom...and kids know how to pull at our heart strings. When they are grown its just on a different level. That dosn't make you stupid it shows you love him. I agree with you whatever the situation, you do not have to be a victim. Don't be. No guilt, and don't beat yourself up over it.

As I went to put her to bed tonight, I guess because of worry about my grandpa...I stood at the door way, cringing to have to go in tonight to put her to bed, just didn't feel like it, so I prayed for mercy;) walked in and she had already got started..she had laid things out already, taken some of her meds, and told me I was her angel of mercy! And went on and on about how much I do for her, and how she don't think she could do it by herself. Not sure what got into her but I enjoyed it.

By the way....yes I do know what the angel of mercy is! I just chose to ignore it and take in all the compliment.

Thanks ASG, it will take some time to let things fall where they may, but i am walking away .....will not do this anymore..... long story, and really not important to anyone but me,,, but I do not know what I would do without ya'll. ya'll are the only family I have... hugs across the miles to my freinds on this thread....

Ah, we love you to!

seems like a few need some hugs so here is a big one - (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dang you guys are busy! Semme..praying for MIL..dad had colon cancer some thirty od years ago. They removed 15" of his colon. Hope MIL per cancerous cells are contained in an area. Know you aren't ready for another parent but ya know you will make it work. Permanent or not. Puppies will be perfect!
Shawna...ignore those sibs....they are the ones who are feeling guilty for you doing all the caregiving. Now moms house is spotless...arghh...she has a cleaning lady who comes but mom cleans before she gets here!! Course now come to my hues! Ha...nassssty! Woo..I am finally getting a little done at at a time so that when I get to visit my house I feel good not stressed to clean. Oh well, ya know those sibs have nooooo clue! Let them come clean poop and pee and wash down toilet and bed. Sorry...went on a rant!
ASG... Angel of mercy! You know your auntie meant it as a compliment..what's going on with grampa? Did I miss something... Ha and sending the cow pattie to Ladee was perfect! She probably threw it at her neighbors! Hahahaha...
Stormy..poor dad, he is going through so much. You and sis are doing great. So proud of you being calm about dads sore collarbone..my dad has those skin cancer things on his head and face fairly often. He just had one removed on Monday ..whew bet brothers ear did hurt! Glad he is backing off the drinking ..hope he continues to stay strong
Jam..so glad things went well with getting COL to NH..how great is having your DIL's gma with COL! God is good. And COL will be well taken care of. Keeping you and T in prayers as you two adjust to this new chapter in your lives..
Cmag..so glad you are in a peaceful place right now. What a relief to let go ...
Ros..dad has bad feet too so I can relate to your mom's situation..screw brother, I sware those that don't deal cannot get it! Glad you let it roll....
Talking about feet..dads toes were swollen more thank usual last night..hope he isn't going back to all that fluid down there again. Poor guy he has enough problems as it is. He had CT done yesterday..didn't realize it was going to be an upper GI where he had to drink thae chalk stuff and wait.. Should have known ..
It was a really long day yesterday. Test went fine..waiting before was long..you have to sit ther and hour and half after you drink that stuff then they do CT scan.. Course that takes ten minutes or less!! I was so tired...first of course dad didn't have to go to bathroom before we left ..of course he had to go before he drank stuff! Got him to the closest bathroom that was handicapped...but I couldn't get the wheelchair in the room! How crazy is that at the hospital!! And he was going as I was trying to get him on toilet..thankfully It stayed in his disposable..and I didn't have to change cloths. But boy I did leave the pile in the trash can!! Whew..so sorry for the next person! Haha
After test we had a really nice lunch at this neat pastry shop..but boy did we pay for it when he got home...this time it was a real blow out..yuck!! ...THANK YOU God that we were at home! Had to put him in the tub to take a bath as it was all over..and by that time her was so tired, upset and scared that I was going to let him fall and he doesn't do well at all barefoot. Finally got him onto shower chair..got a good bath..then getting him out was another major trail... He let his legs go..major pull on my back but finally got him back to his chair..poor guy. And poor me!! Oh well all over and safe and sound! He went to bed early as he was exhausted..he had a pretty decent night. I started him back on the Celexa night before last..he seemed much better yesterday. No real emotional struggles.
Will call doc today to get results from bloodwork and CT scan. Hope there is something...he is soooo hard to diagnose probably will continue to treat symptoms.
ladee so sorry about Sonny being down hope he is in a better state of mind today and God forbid you get BORED! Who knows what kind of havoc you will create you heathen you! Lol
Sdpeg..ack..1500 to replace head gasket! Know I am truly blessed my hubby does all that for us.. Newer cars are labor intensive. With Jam on second opinion..but you know best. And hope you let go about golden boy.. He has major Control issues..and it doesn't sound like your mom helps matters. But it s between you and her.. Try not to get into your brothers rants..praying for it all to work out.
A new day .. Sunrise was amazing! Love you all

Heartfelt prayers for all of us today, the kind of prayer that goes deep..... we are all suffering some kind of loss, and CMag, I appreciate you more than you know for sharing about your "letting go".... we all have so much more courage than we give ourself credit for.... a deeper compassion for others, this job we do, it brings out strength we didn't know we had, to apply to other issues in our life....... Seems we are on a journey of trying to become 'whole' people, going about it in abstract ways, but getting there just the same.... I have made life long friends on this thread, people who have changed my life for the better, who teach me every day, and there is power in numbers... we can do anything we need to do, or have to do, knowing we have love and support.... So I head into my day with a heavy heart, but one thing I know for sure.... I am not alone..... hugs across the miles to my AC family.....