This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Thanks all, for helping me in this daily challenge. I hope I can sometimes help you, too.
On a personal note, I've been struggling with vision issues for the past two years. I haven't driven during this time so my daily life has changed drastically. I've had 4 eye surgeries and I'm getting close to a possible "fix". BUT...nothing is ever easy,. I can't read very well just yet, but I use magnifiers to get by. I got 3 bills last week as a result of the most recent specialist appointments and tests. Reading is important...just in general.
I am thiankful for the improvement in my vision. I was able to catch that I've been billed twice for some tests. Of course, the customer service numbers are in the finest font imaginable, but 7 calls later I finally reached a human who has a brain to work with. I don't have the answers yet, but I feel there is hope.
One of the things I learned in this process is that my "medically nexessary scerical lens" (sp?) is in Health Insurance review purgatory. So they haven't ordered it yet! I've only been waiting 3 months now. Until I get that I can't even attempt to get a new drivers license (my license expired a year ago).
So, if you are inclined to pray for special requests, please remember me. I want to get my life back! I will be of more help to my Mother if I can jump in the car and drive the 8 hours to get to her on my own.
Thanks in advance for letting me vent about my own life here. Carolyn
Ok folks excuse my cluelessness...I miss a page full of posts! Caught up now.. ASg..know what you mean..my dad in a similar boat. Hate seeing him suffer..
Caring..so hate to read the bu... That you are having to go through. That landlord ought to be shot! Jam had some good suggestions... Hope things get worked out soon.
I spoke briefly with my counselor about the dilemma with borrowing money from my mom (for car repairs) and the intrusion I feel my brother has. Her answer? Find out why there is no relationship with my brother and try to rectify it. Ha! My answer to her: "I have no interest in doing that." This distancing has been going on for more years than I can count and I don't know when it started (if I did something or he perceived I did something or whatever).
So to answer this post: How am I doing today? I am stronger because of the conversations we have here. I felt empowered when I said I have no interest in wasting my energy flogging a dead horse (controlling brother). My heart is filled with thanks that you all are always here for me. Yes we offer different perspectives because we are different people however I feel more respect from you than I felt from her! And I thank you all for that!
With that being said, I mentioned to my mom last night I would like to borrow the money and I will pay her back "over time" and she just listened. If she shares with my brother (whose business clearly is not his) then that's HER business and I can't control that. I won't ask her not to; let the chips fall where they will.
She could let me borrow to purchase a new car but I don't want that sum of money over my head and/or taken out of any inheritance that may/may not be there when the time comes.
Also, I'm asking for prayers for this Friday when she goes to doc. I know it is a weigh-in but I keep telling her she is being tested for her thyroid so she won't panic regarding her weight (that she has not gained, perhaps not lost either). I want the best for her regarding her physical and mental health.
Thank you all for your friendship.
We are all here for the same purpose: keep our sanity.
And those going through lose, my heart is with you.
Those going through personal health issues, I pray they resolve.
Those going through trials with family members, I am right there with you.
Those hoping against hope our people will use hearing aids, walkers, glasses, etc: let's keep hoping! Some days that's all we have.
Love and hugs from San Diego
SDPeg
Shawna- I know how you feel with having a cold. I am battling yet another one or a allergy. It seems like i am sick every other week with a cold, sinuses or allergy or whatever it is that keeps making me feel like shit. I took a zyrtec this morning cause my throat has been so raw from my sinuses draining down the back of my throat and it does seem like that has helped. Thank God!!!! Hope u feel better soon..
Emjo-((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) back at ya. love ya. hope u r doing good in the arctic!!!! lol
ladee- sorry u r having a time with your son. I hope he will come around and be the son that he needs to be for u. He needs to realize what a wonderful mother he has in you and quit being a butt!!! Love u and wonderful post u wrote.
Trying to type fast cause dad is eating and i know he is going to start coughing...
i was right i had to go check on him.
Vic- it sounds like me and u have a time with our dads. Mine has fluid built up in his legs, feet and toes too. And horrible toenail fungus!!!! May the Lord be with us...
Carolyn- I am sorry you are having trouble with your eyes i'm sure that is no fun at all. I pray that the drs will be able to help you see better!
Jam- how r u doing today? How is the col?
SdPeg- if your brother has a problem with u getting some money from mom then tell him he can pick her up and carry her to her drs appt's. Maybe that will shut him up. It usually does... Or tell him he can let u borrow his car!!!!!!
I will post later on. Just wanted to let ya'll know that they found dad with gastritis and they done a biopsy on it the other day when they were stretching his throat. Love and hugs stormyyyyyyy
Checking in to see how the day went for everyone. I'm good, getting some things done that I had put off for several days.....like the dreaded laundry. And I actually washed some windows today! You just have to love those tilt-in windows.
A couple of weeks ago, the guy who has done all of our remodeling went down to the lake house and brought back the antique coffee table that belonged to the col's grandmother and built a pedestal base and put the original legs back on, he brought it back today looking like a gorgeous round dining table.
Spoke with the col earlier and so far she was having a very good day. Her good attitude has made the transition so much easier for everyone. I've been very careful keeping her dog upstairs and away from the inner door to her house, well he got past me today and went downstairs....immediately laid down, wouldn't move and acted so depressed. He seemed okay once I got him back upstairs. We will probably take him this weekend to see her.
Check in when you can..............
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I'm smiling after reading your post. So happy for col as she gets adjusted, and her dog will too.
I have to agree, those tilt-in windows are the best. I don't have them on this house, but I did in an apartment when I lived in W Newton MA.
The table sounds beautiful. It is good to know a craftsman that takes pride in their work and the beauty of well made furniture.
It was a good day here, not a peep from Bully and F-i-L got weekly trip to Walmart. Thanks again to everyone for the support and advice. Hugs
Tucson Peggy
We are actually going to be down in the 40's tonight..... can't believe it, it was 90 yesterday.... crazy weather....
Hope ya'll are hanging in there, there are days that is all we can do..... hugs to everyone... and Thanks again for all the support of my YOU freinds...
Ladee: I agree this weather is crazy. This yo-yo weather is causing so much health issues that we all should buy stock in Kleenex!!!
TPeg: no word from Bully ... that's something to celebrate!!!
Jam: antique coffee table? wow! That's incredible. It's so nice to have the old things that withstand so many years of use.
Tomorrow is my mom's doc appt. I am leading her to believe that this is only a blood test for thyroid; we all know it is to weigh her. Honestly, I doubt she has gained an ounce and recently I see her throwing the Ensure down the sink. I can't change her and her desire to NOT eat but I can stop obsessing about it. I will keep you, all my friends, informed about the results of the consultation. This is a turning point and I can't have too much anxiety over it. I have done the best I can in order to have food in the house for her to consume (even changed her Equal to real sugar), managed and monitored her meds, encourage her to eat, etc etc etc (we all know what we do to promote optimum health for our loved ones). I will sleep well tonight knowing I have done my very best.
I cannot tell you with words how appreciative I am for your words of encouragement, advice, input, prayers, love, support, and friendship!
Always, SDPeg
The usual routine here....
Keep safe!
Hope all goes well with your tooth.
Prayers,
SDPeg
Ros- hope your tooth feels better good luck!!!
I laid down with connor tonight and now my throat is killing me, all that mucus draining down my throat. I have all the symptoms of post nasal drip. Is there a cure for that shi%... I am sick of being sick all the time........hugs. time for bed stormyyyyyyyyyyyy
I am used to sleeping in naps now. Last night, I fell asleep waiting for my mother to be ready to go to bed. I have to get the tubes and cords out of the way for her so she doesn't trip on them and she stays up quite late to play computer games and listen to whatever crime shows happen to be on. Anyway, when I got up to do that, I had a hard time getting back to sleep. I took some generic Benadryl and finally got sleepy, only to awaken four hours later unable to go back to sleep. This morning, I'm groggy and still unable to go back to sleep.
I told one of the cousins about not being able to go to the doctor. Turns out that she doesn't have medical insurance either. She's given me the number for a clinic here who sees folks for twenty dollars a visit. Maybe I can get some medical care again so that I can actually see this through to the end.
It's the end of the month, so it means stretching the money as much as I can over the next few days. I can remember when I had a job and a paycheck and the stress wasn't nearly as bad. We've got plenty of food, but there are always things that can come up.
Changing churches is the one thing that my best friend does support. I told him what the new preacher was doing and he agreed that it was time to move on. The problem is finding one where the relatives don't go that is still close enough to get back to my mother if one of the alarms goes off. That's not going to be easy when your family has roots for the last couple of hundred years. I love my relatives, but I'd like to go to a church where it's not about the relatives. Does that make sense?
Absolutely, Mayasbop, find a new church. You need absolute comfort in this area of your life.
Good luck in the search!
We moved to our current home 3 years ago and we've struggled with finding a new church. I thought we'd finally found one but hubby has issues with something the pastor does. Sooo....we're still looking.
Please do take care of your own health. Mayasbop.
I fixed dads breakfast this morning(grits, sausage gravy and a biscuit with gravy on it) He was eating his grits and coughing the whole time and he has grits coming out of his trach. And I told him dad why don't you let me put them in the blender and see if that would help and he said no it wouldn't help. He said they are so damn good and i can't eat them. That's when i almost lost it(trying not to cry) anyway he ate all the grits somehow and part of his biscuit. Finally he said i can't do nothing else with it. Then more coughing....... I told him that once he got through coughing i would clean him up because he had grits and mucus all on his chest and neck. So he got straightened out and i took his shirt off and washed him off and put a clean shirt on him. It's just hard to see him struggle to eat with every mouth full. And he has always loved to eat and that is the one thing that he has so much trouble with. I just feel soooo sorry for him............ Trying not to cry.... Gotta go.... Will talk to ya'll later..... Hugs Stormyyyyyyyyyyyy
CJ & Maya: I agree a church is a good thing. That reminds me I should attend this week. I didn't the last few. Thanks for the reminder.
Ros: keep us posted on your tooth. OUch!
Today is my mom's doc appt. Her weigh in. I doubt she has gained an ounce (I keep saying that hoping it will change) and we will see what doc says about her health. Also a follow up thyroid test to see if the meds are getting her into the normal range. I was dreading this appt last week, totally fretting over it, hoping mom would eat and take her health seriously but this past week, she has hidden Ensure bottles, not taken Tylenol, and been not eating so I can't flog a dead horse (sorry just feel like this this morning) so I, today, give myself permission to give up...give it to God ... and stop trying to fight a losing battle. If mom ends up in a NH I know I have done everything this person has the power to do in order to prevent that move. If she goes, it was because SHE chose not to eat and follow doc advice; I didn't starve her.
Another day ... God bless you all for being my friends.
SDPeg
Today, is third day after the letter burning that I did on Tuesday and I am still living each day with more energy and waking up actually feeling rested!!!!!!! :)
Am I wrong for wanting to find another church?
Carolyn
I was thinking that it is very very sad that Stormy's dad would like to eat and he can't, and Peg's mom should eat and she doesn't want to.
It's really very very sad.
My mother doesn't have those extreme problems, but I had to take the chocolate away from her because it has bad effects on her digestion. And I am sorry because it was a joy in her life.
About my tooth... I thought the problem was just that the crown (a golden crown that I had made several years ago) had separated from the tooth. I don't know how to explain it better... I am Italian Peg! I live close to Rome.
Instead, the whole tooth broke inside of the crown. And the only thing to do is to extract the little piece of tooth which is still there, (which I will do in December because I have no money now) and next year I shall have to put a fake tooth which will be screwed into my gums. And I am screwed, too! (forgive me for the bad joke). I am already crying, thinking of how much money I shall have to spend next year. But my tooth doctor who is a very very nice guy told me: "Well, look at the good side of it. You can sell your crown!" And tomorrow I shall go to a village nearby and I shall try to sell my golden tooth.
Isn't it hilarious? This is the real poverty. I am selling my own teeth!
BTW Shawna I missed you on Facebook 1 hour ago (I was answering a message). In a few days I'll write you and we'll talk business.
Sorry I mixed up in this message funny things and sad things, I guess the days of everyone of us are always a mix of funny and sad things.
Have been trying to get caught up on posts and think I have done it! Someone called me the leader the other day and PLEASE no I am not! I just happened to be the one that wrote the original post with the intention of creating a safe haven for talking about our feelings and thoughts, without fear of chastisement or being judged for those feelings. Care giving is a hard enough job in itself....we don't need someone who doesn't know us or our circumstances attempting to tell us how to go about our daily living and telling us that we are wrong if we're not doing it their way. There is no room here for a leader and followers........there are only leaders. Everyone here has something to offer and I think we have all learned from each other. I may not be doing the active care giving right now, but I'm still a part of this wagon train and I keep up with all of you and will continue to do so.
maya.........find another church.......quickly! That guy sounds like he should be in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".
Shawna.....glad things are picking up for you, they can only go up from here.
stormy.....Did you say your Dad was going to have a swallow test done or did they do that already? It might be a good idea to have his trach checked before he aspirates his food and or drinks. That would be bad news.
ladee...........hope Marie was still being a good girl today.
emjo......haven't gotten any beautiful emails to brighten my day.........you must be too busy cooking the antlers off something. Or with G around, too darn busy for us anymore...........:( that has to pass for a pout.....
SDPeg....stop worrying yourself over whether or not Mom is eating. The elderly don't burn the calories they did when they were younger, thus they don't need the same intake. And perhaps she doesn't realize she is hungry. We had the same problem with the col......she didn't eat enough to keep a gnat alive and was really getting skinny. Then during her stay this past June in the hospital her appetite came alive and she was eating 3 big meals a day and that's when she put on the pounds. And since her dr appt in Sept until they weighed her on admission last Tuesday, she has gained another 5lbs. or else someone's scales are really screwed up! Anti-depressants cause weight gain so it may start to happen soon. Worrying yourself isn't going to change a thing except give you gray hair and sleepless nights. And we chicks don't have time for gray hair, right sister..........do I hear an AMEN to that????????
CMag doesn't have time for it either. Who, by the way, is busy being romantic and enjoying his man cave with a super-relaxed attitude!
Rossella..........how was Rome and how is the tooth? What a lousy reason to have to get there. Didn't you say it was about 50 mi from your home? Hope mom is doing alright. Are the other puppers getting used to not having Nicky with them? Give them all giant hugs from me!
Vic.....how's Dad feeling? And yourself also?
ASG....check in please.....
seeme..........did I miss the sale? missing you here that's for sure.
Went to visit the col today. You should have seen her little face light up when we walked in. She was sitting in the main area waiting for lunchtime and listening to the entertainment......the Social worker's husband has a killer voice and he was belting out songs and the col's feet were just dancing. People were clapping their hands and tapping their feet and there were some visitors that had brought in pets and some of the aides were dancing around and singing. It was quite the festive time. And not one time did she ask if she could come home. Target looked at me and said "she's really happy"....yes she appeared to be and this is turning out to be so good for her in more ways than one. I ran into the admissions director and she said the aides were afraid that the col would try to elope and she said nope, hasn't tried it once. We are going to take her doggie out Sunday to visit with her.
Hope everyone is having a good day........please drop by and let us know how you're doing.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I told about my tooth in a previous post. It's a strange story!
No in fact we all miss little Nicky very much. My dogs are not the same anymore. There is a very sad and depressed atmosphere in my room. The cats don't care, thanks God, someone is happy in this house. It's good to see that something remains always the same. Cats are the true philosophers of life. When Connie, my cat, died one week before Nicky, her twin sister, who was very close to her, decided not to be an indoor cat anymore. She is an outdoor cat, now, and I see she has become friend of the outdoor cats. She lived on a chair all day long with her sister, before. Now she doesn't come in anymore. She has, what could I say? Moved forward with her life. All of you have pets so I think you agree with me that they are a steady source of surprises! So unpredictable.
Among other reasons like Jam noted, I don't want to focus on this too much because 'unhealthy churches' is a sore soap box issue for me and if I get started, I might not know just when to stop. I have yet to write my letter about that and burn that one up yet.
Love to all and have a good weekend.