This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
So, will try again this evening......have to be at work early this morning... love ya all, later...
I have to go through and try to read some more posts but I was so excited that I had to share this with all of you!
Carolyn
Brandy..my thoughts will be with you. I get bummed out during holidays.. Just have to fight the feelings. Try to keep busy and force yourself to find the joy in each day
Cmag..sorry about mom focused on getting out..hopefully you all can get her busy with pt.
Jam..hope meeting goes well... Col will love collage
Shawna..glad mom is good! Woohoo
Ladee you lost posts on purpose just so you could be a frustrated heathen! Heehee...hope you have a great day.
Mom "washes" hearing aids under stream of running water. Don't know why she cannot understand "no water" policy when it comes to those. Caregiver took her to Miracle Ear yesterday, hearing aid back in for repair again. I refuse to "yell" or move closer to her so she can hear me. I maintain my same volume and if she needs to move towards me to hear me, then that's what she is going to have to do. I used to go hoarse trying to tell her things. Now I just speak in a normal tone. I feel if she is that interested in hearing me, she will wear the darn things and take care of them the way they should be taken care of. I knew something was wrong as she was wearing them but said she couldn't hear. NO kidding!!!? The battery was rusting due to the water. Brother told her saliva was ok. Tech said NO. But mom said she knew not to use saliva but no one told her not to use water. I wanted to say "no one told you to use water either" but then realized that statement would fall on deafened ears. Sorry, just had to use that pun!!!
Hope all have a great day.
SDPeg
My husband is deaf in his right ear due to a tumor which, when removed, took his auditory nerve with it. Mom frequently complains that he never answers her. DUH! He's been deaf for years....oh, I forgot, she can't remember.
Now, as for some other thoughts, especially pertaining to the holidays. I noted some financial worries about Thanksgiving. Well, I think it's possible to have a day to be grateful without spending a fortune on food. While I really like having a bird in the oven, it's possible to be grateful with a humble meatloaf bringing wonderful aromas into the kitchen.
How about a turkey loaf made with herb stuffing instead of bread crumbs (or a side of stuffing made with day old bread). Add some cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy made with turkey broth (or canned). A pudding isn't too expensive and can be a pleasant, satisfying dessert.
So many with good news today....wonderful!
Bee............what a terrific early Christmas gift for you!
SDPeg......for some reason, those new-fangled hearing aids just seem to defy logic in the elderly. The col hated hers when she first got them......of course she denied she even needed them. Sometimes her batteries lasted 8 days, sometimes 5, confusing for me...........hmmm is she "hearing" more on the 5 days....lol So I started asking....her's play a little tune when the batteries start going dead......"oh, yes I heard the music yesterday" or something to that effect. So I started checking closely, she was putting the batteries in backwards, or sometimes just wasn't aware they had gone dead and was turning the volume of the tv up and I was having to yell to be heard.....Target would look at me and say "batteries dead again".....oops, I think so. Or the microscopic filters would become clogged with wax and that was something she never changed. So I just took over the job. She can't hear us at all now, but I think that's because she has turned the volume down on her phone, will check that tomorrow when we go see her.
Still raining, the pump is gushing water into the pond, so maybe we won't lose all the fish. We've had catfish, blue gill and minnows and then last year there was enough water to put in hybrid bass. This year they are huge and we told people to start fishing it when the water got to "fish are going to die" level, my son says those are the best tasting bass he has ever had. Well, catch and clean a couple for your poor old mother.....lol. If we can get the water up another foot, they might survive the winter.
Got the RV covered Sunday.....CMag I used your idea of dryer sheets and mothballs in it, will let you know how it works. If nothing else it will smell like flowery mothballs.....lol.
Time to finish coffee and then do a few things around the house today.....with the rain I have to stay inside. Target has a turkey boob on the smoker, so I know dinner is going to be yummy............
Hope everyone has a wonderful day and will check back in later,
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I hope the car problem is simple and an easy repair. Have you ever noticed the car trolls and other appliance trolls seem to get more active at holiday time? Little devils..............................
My 2 cents on hearing aids- F-i-L had hearing test last monday. He has always said his right ear was better. Test says not so, he is actually in the profound loss range. His left ear is better, but not by a lot of difference on the chart. It will be nice for hm to hear without having to turn his "miracle ears" on high. I have sensitive ears, and that squeeling has been like nails on chaulk board. Also the cats will be delighted to not hear the squeel too. The Audio specialist, said the right ear was so loose and fitted so poorly, it was not working correctly and the extra space can add to the feedback squeel. Also even with them on, we have to raise our voice level and repete our selves about 4 times before he comprehends.
I'm happy to share with everyone, that I can see Snow, so it is winter here in Tucson too. Mt Lemmon is over 10,000 ft and it snowed there. I can see it from my couch, it is beautiful.
Hugs to all, your all great caregivers, and keep me entertained and secure in the knowledge that if I need advice, all I have to do is ask.
Peggy in Tucson
Snow...well we had hail in San Diego on Friday ... hopefully that's the closest we will come to white stuff!
See ya Peg in Tucson!!! and everyone else!!!
SDPeg
Hearing aids: I don't know any person who likes to wear them. My grandmother (who had no Alz no dementia at all) refused to wear them all life long, and she died at 86 forcing everyone to scream so that she could hear. And you are right, Peg, the generation of our parents is an "iron" generation. Most of them went to war, many of them had a hard life, they had a tough upbringing (I mean that their parents didn't spoil them, rather the contrary) and our parents in general think that "we" are a spoiled, weak, spineless generation. As a matter of fact I like their pride even if it is so difficult to take care about them.
CMag, sorry to hear about sons car, hope it is something simple..... sounds like the staff at the NH has your mom figured out.... and always try to remember, it is HER anger, she had that anger before you were born...... you are doing so great, just keep up the good work, and write some poetry.... still writing letter to son, this is taking longer than I expected... too many feelings coming up.... but am still moving forward....
bee, so happy to hear you will get your sclera lens, I will have to look that up, I don't even know what it is, but glad you are getting it...
vic, yes I am a heathen and did you notice how I spelled patience , PATIENE, so apparently I am also an uneducated heathen.... but I love you anyway.... sorry to hear dad is not feeling well, how old is he???
Jam, well after everything you have been thru in the past few years, the last thing you need is dead fish in the pond.... Oh wait, wasn't that pond to be used for something else????? I may need to go back and read on another thread what that was all about... hmmmmmm
TPeg, know you have been waiting for snow... none in your yard yet, but at least you can see it....
Ro, there are so many elders that had so much to teach us about perseverance, strength in hard times, share their wisdom, and Alz got to them first..... what a waste...... maybe we need to start putting things down for others to read, in case we don't get to tell them ourself..... I hate alz... hate it..
Have to be at work by 6am tomorrow, going to be a long day, will get caudht up tomorrow...
I love you seeme sue, and miss you...... hugs across the miles to everyone.....
Been doing homemaker things to prepare for MIL stay on Sunday....she'll only be here a couple of days, but I needed to shampoo carpets, etc.
Ro, sounds like the Italian government is having its problems and it wants YOU and your MOM to fix it. So sorry for your troubles......and the government's problems.
Cmag.....go to the man-cave and don't come out until you have slept for 6 hrs in a row.....
Jam....hope the fish don't drown........crap, it wasn't the fish we had to worry about........oops, I meant pingo........
Ladee....write a book if that's what it takes.......
Stormy.....my hubby has all kinds of skin cancer from working on the flight line in the AF. What your brother has is not bad if he gets checked out. Hubby has places now that will bleed and a little piece is taken out and then he waits for the next place to show up. No great big biggie. Yes, it could eventually kill him if he lived long enough, but it isn't like melanoma where he has a spot on his leg and it goes to his brain..........
I can't remember thing else,,,,guess I had too much blond put in my hair today and I am having a moment.......just know I am keeping up with you all.....take care........
Well, tomorrow is my mom's birthday she would have been 80 years old had she lived. She has been gone for 7 years 6 months. I miss her so much and i wish that she was here with us. I lost my best friend when i lost her... I wish ya'll could have met her. She was the sweetest lady, and always had a smile on her face.
Happy Birthday Mama! I love and miss you!!!!! Stormy
Ro......I saw on the news that Berlisconi (sp?) is going to resign......what impact is that going to have? Keep us posted on the "inside" scoop. Hope you are doing well today. And Mother also of course.
ladee........I'm sure glad you have finally admitted to being a heathen.....was going to talk to you about that.....:) so sorry you have to work so early tomorrow. Guess that means you will be sleeping for most of Saturday?
seeme.....another baby.....babies are so wonderful, especially when they belong to someone else. I love to spoil them totally rotten and then send them home. And be careful with the bleach please.....:)
TPeg......it's perfectly permissible for you to keep that snow all to yourself. I am so not looking forward to it this year. Last year was a nightmare....we hadn't had that much snow in a very long time. Right now it's in the middle 40's and I don't think it will get much lower than that. Supposed to warm back up to the 60's by the weekend.
Finally got through to the col........I still haven't figured out what she did with her phone to make it go straight to voice mail. She has a raging upper resp infection, don't know if it's virus but probably is, will just have to watch her that it doesn't go into pneumonia. Target said she was really talking off the wall tonight.....wanted him to sing to her! And not making a lot of sense. Will see tomorrow.
Hope everyone is having a good evening............
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Our parents will always be a part of our lives.
{{{hugs}}} across the miles
SDPeg
I had a very good session with my therapist today. My son's car engine did not jam up as feared. The alternator died and it was over three years old and about 45,000 miles. That was a major relief. Not only did the tow not cost him some unreasonable rate but the repair sent someone to go by and pick up the keys from my son on campus so they could get to work on the car today. They also picked him up to get him back to his car today. A rebuilt alternator and labor was less than I can get the same job done here for.
My wife and I went out of town for the evening which was nice. I do hope to sleep well tonight. However, I do not have anyway to spend the night sleeping in my 'man cave'.
The roof repairs, I hope are done tomorrow for rain is in the forecast again for Thursday.
Love, hugs, and prayers for everyone to have a good evening.
CMag, you didn't make allowance for a day bed in your man cave???? I think a hammock would be perfect , get some plastic palm trees, turn up the heat, and you can be on your "man island", or would the plastic trees be a little over the top?? Happy to hear the car thing was nothing major, and a good session with your Dr. helps too..... take care of yourself, we need you here, hugs...
Seeme, another little earth angel..... please keep us updated on the twins, all are in my prayers.... and I agree with Jam, you really shouldn't go "too" blonde.....
Gotta get moving, get to work and get Marie off to Austin.... then Sonny and I are going to watch tv all day....
love to all, more this evening....
Jam, we don't have the slightest idea of what will happen in Italy. The economic crisis is so bad that another government will not settle things easily. The fact that Berlusconi goes away is a good new, anyway. I don't know for whom I will vote. From now on, new alliances will form and we'll have to decide which is the "less worst"....
Well the smaller diapers didn't work with Grandma wetting the bed at night. She doesn't drink much of anything after 7pm. I have no idea what to do next. Any ideas?
I'm pretty much drained out of energy so making this short.
Hugs to all of you and keeping you all in my prayers.
Smiley
Well, the weather guy said that we'll get some snow but it won't stick around will be in the 50's this weekend, but the U.P. of Michigan is getting hammered now. Dang wished I lived up there.
mis......what kind of diapers have you been using? There is a website that sells the same type of diaper that is supplied to astronauts, and they are supposed to be very absorbent.
Stopped to see the col today. Couldn't hear a bomb go off beside her. Batteries in her ears dead, ear wax caked on the domes which mean the filters are dirty and no one has seen any new ones come in the mail. Just great. So tomorrow at the care plan meeting this will be something to be addressed. She sounds terrible, but no congestion, says it's just her voice. No fever or any other symptoms. She was happy and joking. The occupational therapist came and sat with us to observe the family interaction, and I think she was a little surprised to see how Target and his momma tease each other.....I told her just wait until they both get going. At least they are aware there is a lot of support.
Hope everyone has had a good day......I think it's time for a turkey sandwich now.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam