This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Now dad is a different story..we chance him through the night..undershirt and all ..hasn't mattered what kind of diaper we use at this point. He calls us in thenight but as he is calling us he is going...oh well. Same during day but at least it stays in diaper. At night he is on one side or the other ..... Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink!!!
Jam...sorry col is sticky ..hope she gets over soon. Hope session goes well today. We have same problem with hearing aids here..just have to check and clean every day. Course even then one of dads ears is about deaf and with weight change has changed ears..ack...never ending.
Well emotions between me and mom were high yesterday.. My brother is coming with one of his kids and her family for thanksgiving. They are coming in that morning and leaving early Sunday morning..... Moms upset that I haven't said anything about it .... One...bro hasn't said anything to me..calls parents instead..then she figures I will leave when they get here..but she thinks I should stay here ...in so many words.. I told here that when they got here that I would leave as I needed to have some time...she thinks we all should be a family..my bro wants to know if his other daughter and my kids are coming too...again he needs to talk to his other daughter and then ask me about my kids...which they all have to work and live away as well and where does he think they have money to travel. Anyway I told mom that I would have food ready before I left and that my kids can't come...I sware I absolutely hate being the responsible one! Finally talked to my brother as I had to text him and beg to find out when they were coming etc...told him he needed to talk to me before he sets mom off worrying about everything... He still didn't get it! Did tell him when he got here..I was leaving and I would be back befor they left Sunday morning..
Mom didn't really say much to me after that yesterday..what am I supposed to do??? I love my folks so very much have given my wants up for theirs..hubby only one working..we can't even get away a couple do days by ourselves together... Know in her mind she realizes all this or at least I thinks so...my brother doesn't have a clue!!! Doesn't he realize she is 91 and has always fretted to make sure all goes well..who will sleep where food for all etc etc...little ms Emily Post. I am the one stuck telling her all will work out..giving her answers that calm her down..
Well today will just be better..I will refuse to act like it is a problem...cuss cuss cuss cuss...
Gotta get dad moving as therapy is coming this morning..may have to cancel as he said a little while ago he didn't feel good...
Hope everyone has the best day possible..God keeps us all in His cocoons wrapped with unconditional love we just have to let our worries go..........love love
Just checking in since I was dragged out of a deep sleep by a dog who decided to take an unexpected trip down the stairs into the bathroom. Normally blind doggie will stay away from those stairs....too wide to put a gate across. But she always stays upright and I find her standing there wagging her tail like "gee that was fun....".
How does the saying go...."you always hurt the one you love"....something to that effect. I think that is what happens with the care giver/care receiver relationship. We are supposed to become superhuman and do everything, know everything, and it's all our fault when something isn't right. When I was caring for the col she had a habit of always saying when I took her to the bathroom "it's not my fault, I have in-con-ti-nence"...yes pronounced like that and I would always tell her I realized it wasn't her fault and someday I would be there also and I hoped someone care enough to help me. Substitute can't walk, can't hear, whatever the limitation. But I usually ended up being the "bad guy" no matter what the situation. Target could be the one to tell her no, but I am the one she took things out on.
When we left the NH yesterday, Target commented that he could see a marked decline in her mental status. I could also, but I'm hoping it had to do with her voice. She said she felt okay and I was dealing with a wee bit of guilt about the fact that she has stayed very healthy for 2 yrs and now this. I have to keep reminding myself of the benefits she is getting there as compared to here. And of course she isn't going to get one-on-one there all the time. We found her sitting in the main area just looking around. Wasn't playing Bingo although she told us she had played and even won a prize. At least she is not holed up in her room doing nothing but watching tv.
Will let everyone know how the care plan meeting goes today. And Target agrees that the col shouldn't be there for this one.
Hope it's a good day for everyone!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
shawna -glad things are going well - mum seems to be in great form
ros -what did the govt tell you? What a mess!!! and such a beautiful country!!!\
jam - hope things go well today. I know u will let us know. Please let go of the guilt -without an eval u really don't know how her mental status is and u were noticing a decline before she moved - our middle names should be target!
cmag -hand in there - write another letter if you have to and burn it too
maya - how r u doing with POA etc?
tpeg - sounding good
mis -such nice pics of grandma
stormy - so sorry about your bro but sounds like it is manageable - just one more thing to worry about, I know. lil red will have a great b'day party!
seeme -babies everywhere and mil for a short while... and puppies are coming!!! - will you breed them?
sdpeg - lots of assignments now I bet -hope your car in on rthe road and good for a while
bee - yay -your eyes will be fixed soon. is that the end of the surgery? Your mum sounds about as stubborn as mine
everyone else - keep n touch
mamadrama here -mother is still using her walker though she had her surgery in June - selective hearing and picks up on one thing and won't budge. the doctor is going to have to be very specific about telling her it is time to walk without it. She says because she needs the walker she can't fix her meals and she won't use the dining room. Her meals are very simple -really warming or cooking stuff in the microwave, or opening cans and bottles and I am sure she is capable of doing that but with the BPD she "needs" to be treated a cut above everyone else and loves havng people wait on her, only this particular aide was not doing it right. Elder abuse!!!! After her gallbladder op I went down and stayed a while and she asked me to cook pork chops and lamb and al kinds of rich things. I told her that she should not eat such rich things so soon after her op but she said that no one told her different and I wasn't there all the time so I don't know what she was told, but I do know that rich food after gall bladder surgery is not a good thing. However she insisted and then got herself some picked herring for supper, The next morning -which happened to be Christmas morning this apparition in a white nightie walked into my bedroom about 6 am, woke me up and said. "I just threw up", I said I think the food you have been eating was too rich. She says "I have to go to hospital": I said I don't think that is a good idea (Like how is going to be in the emergency of a large down town hospital on Christmas morning) and you just need to eat blander foods. But again she insisted so off we went and, predictably there were street people hanging there, and people with flus etc. I was hanging onto my purse and expecting to be hit up for money. Managed to get a cup of coffee from the machine and mother sat there - upright in a dressy long black coat with a red scarf -looking healthier than anyone. She finally let me call her doctor at 8 am who said that was not a good place for her so we went back home. Merry Christmas! Then we got home and she told me I had to go back to the hospital as she had left one of her good gloves there. I asked if she had checked her coat pockets and her purse and she said yes. So I double checked them -and - guess what - found the glove. These things may not seem like much but a life time of games like this and worse is very wearing. I thank God for the psychiatrist who told me i was normal but mother and sis weren't. These things are crazy-making.
no moose this trip but a stolen back pack with lots of expensive gear in it - getting the doors winterized - need some weather stripping etc and I have launched into the wonderful world of gluten free pastry baking - cakes etc are not too difficult but pastry!!! - oh well -call it an experiment -still working on this batch!
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
~ VIKTOR FRANKL
Food for thought.
being the fall guy (gal) gets very old and it very tiring. some people are kind even when they are not well - not sure that is a good excuse, though I may eat those words some day -
vic - how about just letting some of that go - is all of this really improving dad's quality of life that much - it sure as heck isn't helping yours and you count as much as he does - sorry, dad, but that is true. Maybe time to reassess what you want vic. yes, your wants count here too. You are a very compassionate lady being pushed to and beyond her limits -probably largely the situation but sounds like some personality stuff going on beteen you and dad. he is likely frustrated with his condition and who does that come out at? You. You don't need it vic and have enough of a burden as it is, Can you detach a bit, figure out what you can and can't do and make some changes? Some things may just have to be let go. it is a down hill ride for all of us - don't I know it and feeling it myself sometimes, but you can only fight it so much - some of it you have to keep up with and some of it you need to let go and let God. ((((((hugs))))) amd prayers for you today - look after you, put you first more often, I have had toi develop a tough skin against the criticisms - took me a lot of years - know the tears you are having when you have done and are doing your very best and then get cr*apped on
luv ya
jo
There are days she can't remember which clothes to put on in the morning and asks me to help her. I was taking clothes off the hangers and handing it to her, now just point to where her clothes ALWAYS hang. I have to remember, the more I do, the more is expected. Mom also reminds me that her father and my Dad treated her like a princes to which I reply: "I am not your father and I am not your husband." Sounded cruel the first few times I said it, but it got easier.
I don't have a wandering mom nor is she incontinent but she does know what buttons to push, it is up to me on how I choose to respond to her behavior toward me.
Counseling helped me as much as mom's meds are helping her.
Vic, take care of you ... ok?
SDPeg
vic - may be a good idea to talk to the doc and lay some of this out and ask advice. You are giving and giving up a huge amount each and every day - too much it seems to me - there is a law of diminishing returns -after a point you get little benefit for what you put into something
I have found with mother a lot of it is wants not needs and IMO it is the needs we have to address and the wants only so far as we are able and can still look after ourselves. They may not like it but a little distance and detachment helps.
(((((hugs))))
Am better..will just go through the motions and do the best I can. Get outside and go to my house in between potty breaks etc... Tomorrow is day off ...woohoo can't wait.
Time to leave for care plan meeting......will let y'all know how it goes.
Who got the COW PATTIE?
Love and Hugz,
Jam
cow pattie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
The care plan meeting went well. Not a whole lot to say or cover. Occupational therapy is about finished with the col. Physical therapy goal is to get her walking without the aid of her walker. Good luck with that since she told me today she feels so much safer with it. I let them know they should be a little more aware of hearing aid batteries dying and they said they normally watch that, and I said I would help keep on top of it. One of the social workers said she noticed the other day that the col had the same clothes on that she had the day before. She (sw) immediately went to find out why and instructed the girls that she is to be directed to change her clothes each day, not put back on the same thing. I told them that her habit for years has been to hang the clothes she takes off on the post of her bed and then put them back on. She used to yell at me when I put her in jammies and put her clothes in the basket to be washed. I also made sure they got her hair trimmed today. And we also had to change doctors for her. They have to have an evaluation every 60 days and her doctor would prefer that we take her to the office and I think it's rather ludicrous to pay $200 just for a simple look at her every 2 mo, so we changed. It's fine, the new doctor is also a friend and was the doctor my mom used and will see her in the nh. So that was pretty much the extent of the meeting. Oh, and they also understand to NOT tell her she will not be dismissed soon by the doctor.
So, now I hope everyone has had a good day, and for those whose day started bad, I hope it's ends great!
Love and Hugz,
Jam