This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Jam...now they know what you expect and maybe you can feel easier about the situation.....she IS where she needs to be.........
Gonna take a shower now......before noon!!!
I haven't been here that long but I've found more support here than with my friend whom I've known for more than 30 years. She doesn't get it.
We're in these situations not by choice and each case is different, yet similiar.
It's okay not to like it and to blow off steam. I hope you cry sometimes when you are typing. It makes it hard to read what you've typed, but the tears are like a soothing balm for your soul. Don't be afraid to be human - 'cause you are!
Put your right hand on your left shoulder. Put your left hand on your right shoulder. Now give a warm squeeze. That's me, hugging you. (((Vic))) Carolyn
Carolyn
Vic I am not sure how the heck you do it woman. I just have mom....and that’s enough to make me insane some days. Your brother sounds like he's a major instigator. Don't let him ruin YOUR thanksgiving. He sounds a lot like my idiot brother who never comes to see mom AT ALL. He also sounds like my nephew who loves to stir the pot. He tried to get my sister Jeanne and I to fight and even caused our idiot brother to call my sister Jeanne while at my sister Kathy's and start yelling at her. Sis stood up to him and said she didn't need to deal with his bull crap .. told him to shut up and hung the phone up on him. Idiot nephew .. likes to say something then tell the person not to say anything... okay.. yeah that’s NOT gonna happen. You enjoy your holiday... Vic you are NO have not ever been the bad guy you are doing the best you can with what you have. I know it sometimes feels like you never do anything right know that feeling oh so well You do what you can and you still feel like its your fault if things don't go right. Jo's right, is all this really doing all that much for your dad you know the answer in your heart. I do the same with mom I make her do her exercises watch what she eats. The list goes on … when she don't want to do something like go out or eat this or that. I won't force her my sister Kathy tells me she has to do this or that. I want to look at her and say and do YOU live with her and her attitude when she gets like that NO! …. Vic honey you are not superhuman … and you do have feelings so if you want to scream cry do so. I did the other day believe me I felt GOOD. Though my upstairs neighbor stuck her nose into it my next door neighbor (who takes care of HER mom) told her to butt out. Don't you hate siblings that like to play games or even other relatives. Well idiot nephews gonna find out that this lady don't play games anymore you guys gave me the guts to say NO more when it comes to him.
Seem congrats on the babies don't it feel good to be a great aunt you can spoil them rotten then send them home YAY lol.
Ros what a mess to deal with the taxes. I hope you get a break soon. Huggs
Ladeeda, girl what can I say to you. I love you girl. You inspire me every day … and I hope you catch a break yourself soon. You are a wonderful person who lets me vent out talk about anything and everything. You gave me the courage to do a lot of crap and argue with my family. I hate that you are going through a lot of crap with your son. If there was a way for me to help you besides a willing ear let me know. I wish I could head to Texas and just give you a great big bear hug. You girl are more like my sister than my idiot sister is.
Oh for the one thing you said .. you are right. And I used that tonight with one of my siblings well she's my niece she wanted a mug tonight … I told her she and the rest of the family were going to have to start paying full price because I can't keep cuting them deals. I am a business woman now I am not doing this as a hobby as damn I have to pay taxes and state taxes every three months. It's a business and you are right. Thanks god I got a ledger to write everything down to keep track. She threw a fit when I told her and I told her point blank that well if you don't like the price go somewhere else but I can tell you you won't find anything like I make for you. She got angry but still took me to the store to get stuff I needed.
Not much going on with me today. Just a very cold blach day. Mom was good though she wanted me to sit in the living room with her so I curled on the couch we watched tv and hung out. My cold's doing a lot better though mother nature won't leave me alone. I talked to Bobbie the one that is running the Workshop and got some good news I don't have to drag any of my tables with me they have tables and chairs so we are good there. I still have to bring my heat press though I almost had a scare with it last night. Thought it had broke cause it wasn't starting. Come to find out it was just the breaker down stairs whoo. Though I hate spiders and I had to go down in the basement by the box and click it. Shudder yuck yuck YUCK!. I had gloves and was completely covered mom laughed at me lol though. She's doing good showed me she could do her own sugar reading this morning long as I set the strip in the monitor as the lancet is like a pen and she can click it and hold it there. So proud of her for that. It was snowy and wet here today. None of it stayed though as the grounds not cold enough yet. But I know its coming. Mom can't wait till Sunday to see Austin Jacob and hold him. Its all she talks about she also heard me talking to my sister Jeanne about idiot nephew coming tomorrow. Not so happy about that and he's bringing his buddy and his giflriend (buddies girlfriend) they call mom Grandma or feel like she is. She don't even know who the heck they are really. I mean we met them ONCE!. I am not looking forward to it at ALL. But I am putting my foot down tomorrow I really am. There will be no mention of the dance outfit .. or anything else. I really don't want them here but I won't be like my cousin who forbids her sister from seeing their mother. I won't do that but it don't mean I have to stand by whiel they act like complete idiots and make mom uncomfortable. I have a feeling they are gonna tell her they cant give her anything for Christmas this year as times are tight. (yep whatever stop buying crap for your lazy low life son and tell him to take a bath and get a job!) LOL my sister Jeanne said they picked the WRONG weekend to come visit as when mother nature visits I turn into cranky beotch lol Oh well. In other news plaque is done will be giving it to niece on Sunday. IT came out okay … its nothing fancy fancy.. just green with a frog a butterfly and a faded dragonfly … with name date of birth time of birth weight and how long he was thats it. Also got my ornaments though I had to call Coastal as seven of them were busted! They gave me a credit But some of them came out really nice for my niece and nephews girlfriend and my sisters. Still have to make the baby one but can't till I get a good picture of him. Anyway I better cut it short now as I wrote too MUCH as it is. ...
Dad is doing ok. he is still having some swallowing problems. And today when we got through at the church, he asked me if i knew how to take a blood pressure and i told him no. Then i asked him why whats wrong. And he started patting his chest. I asked him was he having chest pains and he said yes but they are not bad. So i called sis and she sent brother up there to take his bp and it was 130 over 70. So we gave him a aspirin and gave him his omeprazole pill and a tums. So sis is going to check on him tonight when she stays with him to see if the pains got any better. And he has a drs appt tues with the dr we don't like he is going to tell us what dads tsh levels are. Got to go have that done monday so doc will have it when we go to him tues. Then the same day he has a drs appt with the lung dr the one we like. He has dads pet and ct scan report so maybe he will be able to tell us something tues. it has been a long six weeks since we saw him last. Seems like all we do is hurry up and wait. The story of our lives........... Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I have been studying for 6 hours today ~ writing down vocabulary words on index cards (almost 100 of them). Whew. Wonder why I didn't get all this education finished when I was young. Oh yeah, raised my kids, ran a business, opened my home to homeless pregnant teens, ... I guess I was just as busy then as I am now. That's just me I guess.
My mom has been complimentary and appreciative and thanks me daily for all I do. That makes it worthwhile.
Sister is coming to visit. She is friendly fire (unlike brother, "Golden Boy" who was here last month) so I am looking forward to seeing her. She is great with Mom (unlike brother who yells at my mom) so the next week should be wonderful!
I know Mom goes back and forth with eating and it is difficult for me to witness but it is something I have to accept.
I hope all of us have a wonderful weekend, not too stressful, and good weather.
I am thankful for all of you. A friend is caring for two family members and I referred this group for loving support. That's a huge compliment!!!
SDPeg
Kisses
When I can remember to do this in my mind here is a little image that helps me.
There are many "hooks" in life that we grab..many are easy to pass up and let go but others have "bait" that we are easily drawn to...those things that set us off that we can't pass up that we get angry or hurt. Instead of "biting" the "hook" See it for what it is and go on past...There are a lot of little hooks in the day that get us frustrated ..try to be aware of what those hooks are so you don't bite them though the day this way you are able to let many things go. Here's a for example....I was giving dad his bath yesterday morning and had been putting off clipping his toenails cause his feet and toes are much more sensitive to pain ...but it was past time to do this...washing between toes and moving them cause his distress. As I had a hold of one foot and moving toes and trying to cut...he is saying it hurts and no more...instead of responding to try to make him understand ...I just keep going..well he gets more adjitated and starts yelling that he knows I don't care that it hurst and on and on... He is even trying to kick me away with the other foot.. All this time I am thinking in my head....hook hook hook... I calmly finish the task instead of letting it become a fight. Again..when we are trying to transfer from place to place...I remind him of the steps involved..feet apart and under neath you ..grab chair pull yourself forward to nose over toes..use arms and stand on legs.....when he stand he is not standing all the way up waist is bent knees bent...so I say straighten up..he say I am ...so instead of ...arguing "biting the hook" I just raise his head to stand the rest of the way up..
Anyway as I have rambled here I hope you get what I am trying to say..we all have these hooks that if we realize what they are..we can learn not to bite them..brother sister daughter son friend says something or we are in a situation ...that sets us off... If we can ponder sometime in the day or night...write down what these things are...the more we do this the more tose little things don't set us off. Like why would I expect any more out of my brother..he has always been this way in one form or another....
Course looking at all this now is good..but while I was in the middle of a meltdown it really didn't matter...but maybe next time I will just be a little more aware and the lightbulb might just come on and hit me in the head to realize the situation for what it is......
Hope and pray that we all have the best day/night possible in the situation that we are in...love you all. Will check in later.
Vic- I thought that was me i was reading about the toes. I have to cut dads toenails and put cream on his legs and toes. He doesn't like it because his legs get cold. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Time to bathe lil one. Hugs stormyyyyyyyyyy
Also found out this week that you can have both hypo and hyper at the same time. That sounds kinda crazy to me but that's what i read. Do ya'll know anything about any of this? If you do, please explain........... Thanks love and hugs. Stormyyyyyyyyyyy
my F-i-L still moving slowly, and he is on the last part of the antibiotics. should be done - he's got 3 pills left and he take one every three days.
day by day.
hugs to everyone, you have all helped me.
Peggy
stormy - yes we have snow - not lots, but it is coming - had to brush my car off - the traffic was really tied up a couple of days ago - people were hours late due to accidents - freezing rain then snow. The roads are fine now thankfully, but I am putting off any plans for driving out of town - just a bit risky at my age, though I may change my mind later
jam - sounds like things are settling down with the col - for now anyway
vic -saying no is good - something some of us need to practice -and being human is good too -
sdpeg - I know you r busy with school work these days - glad u r letting go of some things re ur mum.
ros - hope the tax thing gets sorted out so you at least know what is going on
mis - hows grandma?
maya - how's mum?
shawna - bet u and mum enjoyed the new babe
ladee - hot and cold - and running water????
every one - hi and keep well - and let us know how u r
G got the doors weatherstripped and some of the blinds up - they look great. he has gone off the chop ice off the stream for the horses to get water. Once it snows down there they will be fine. I have been working on gluten free and dairy free pie crust -not easy as you need special flours that we can't get here. Ordered some today. I think the solution will be to buy the pie for G - I can make cakes and other desserts for us and don't need pie.
Take care all
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Lots to do todayl The vertical blind in our family room fell...what a mess. Repair and renewal in process...back when I can.
Hope it's a good day for everyone.
Carolyn....Bee
Checking in to see how everyone is doing this morning.....and hope it's a good day for all.
Not a darn thing going on here except a visit to the col and then a football game at noon. The weather is beautiful, although I hear from some of you that I should be storing a bunch of nuts for the winter.....lol! It's supposed to be sunny and in the 50's and 60's all week. Maybe the sun will give me some inspiration to get outside and carry in all the yard decorations for storage. I collect "whimsical" outdoor checker sets and they are still outside, along with ceramic mushrooms and flowers. The col enjoyed looking at them all summer but they look rather odd poking up out of snow...............
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I just realized I have 5 pairs of shoes under the table, so this is not getting my work done... love ya'll , check back in later....
Jam thanks for heads up on those diapers. I got a 1 pack today and will be testing them out on Grandma.
Looking forward to a peaceful Thanksgiving. We just invited my fil over and nobody else. I'm tired of being the only one cooking for people and then cleaning up afterwards. So this will be nice, peaceful Thanksgiving. I'm cheating this year though we're having our dinner pre-made by a local store here so all of it is heat and serve. That's what we did for Easter cause I just got out of the hospital the Wednesday before and couldn't do any heavy lifting, not even a gallon of milk.
We got snow Wednesday night and Thursday morning. It seemed good, but it didn't stick around. We're suppose to get some this Wednesday. Gun season opens here on Tuesday and I always hope for snow for the hunters.
I gotta make some lunch think'in we're having salmon patties.
Hope everyone has a good weekend and hugs and prayer across the miles.
jam - mushrooms in the snow -sounds like a poem is coming on...
ladee - grapes of wrath lol - now we know you have at least 5 pairs of shoes - i have a new policy with shoes -if they are the least bit unforgiving to my feet - out they go -if they fit well I wear holes in them
mis - glad you are having an easy thanksgiving -we owe that to ourselves sometimes - maybe all the time - think that is a good plan with grandma - if she remembers what she said
quiet here again, more snow - a few inches by now and it looks so pretty...
think I will tackle the gluten free pastry once more and if that doesn't work buy the frozen stuff or ready made pies for Gary. Crumb crusts (GF cookies) should work too.
mis.....hope the diapers work. As I said, the Tena brand is the only one I found that really worked.
We are doing the Thanksgiving buffet at our favorite casino this year. It just seems the easiest thing to do and keeps from bringing the col here, because we all know what would happen and I just don't feel up to that right now. Then a week later, I start my dental work, so looks like some Christmas shopping will be done online. And I think we will be celebrating Christmas at my son and dil's so it's doubtful I will even mess with getting decorations out. Maybe next year will be better.
Good idea to not being the col home. Wondered when your dental work started. I have done some Christmas shopping - on line. Good to take it easy after years of fuss. With 4 kids stretched out over 14 years, it went on and on and on and... Now I do enough to impress the grandkids which doesn't take much - thankfully. I have a couple of baskets of cinnamon and clove scented pine cones out - love the smell.
Detaching is the way to go in lots of situations - not always easy to do - but we can learn
col starts for crazy old lady lol
Lots of us know about family messes and dysfunctional relatives -are there any other kind?.
elderly - brandy were you born in 1949? that makes me ancient!!!
oh typo - above -- col stands (not starts) for...