This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I had an incredible week jumping from an office to another trying to have answers about my mother's taxes. It seems they have already taken 99% of what they had to take (we still think that leaving us a whole month without money was something completely illegal - If I had the strength and the money to do it I would hire a lawyer and sue them) but it seems in december we'll have all the money that my mother has to have, so it's over for this year. And of course, as it happens all the time in periods like this, everything in my house is getting broken... The washing machine was the last one to leave us! We are, like, living under a bridge - nothing works here anymore - but with a roof on our head. I try to make sure that at least my mother stays warm - the pellet stove still works! The dogs and cats and I are a little bit colder, but who cares about us!
It seems to me I have become the hero of a Dickens' novel. I shall start to clean chimneys like Bert in "Mary Poppins". I could sell flowers at the corners of the streets, too. .
About children... Jam, I love my nephews. They are my brother's sons and they were like my children too. They have become nice guys but so selfish and self centered that they have become completely strangers to me. I don't know what to tell them anymore. We were so close when they were children. It is so so sad!
I think I will spend Christmas at my brother's house and that's all. The rest of the family dinners we won't participate. I am sorry for my mother but I can't stand to be with the "big" family. I don't feel like meeting my aunts and uncles, cousins... They are so far from my life that I don't feel like putting a smile on my face and pretend it's alright! I'm going to see Franca of course. Just her!
The hell with the rest of the family!
"I've been praying for your little doggy and can only imagine how devastating this is for you who love these little creatures so much. I hope you have forgiven yourself and know that God is with him and looking after him now. I am so sorry when our beloved pets leave us and of course this kind of tragedy is unbearable please know that we are praying for you"
I am thankful I do not have to deal with it anymore... after the death of my father, I could walk away and never look back...and when I do think about all of them together, I know I'm not missing anything..... it's NOT like they show on TV and the movies....and if I am not there, at least they have some one to talk about....just grateful I know not to put myself in that position anymore....
And for those that do have family they get along with, Jam and her son are the ones I think of off the top of my head, they get to include the rest of us in their prayer before the meals.....
Too bad the rest of us are so financially broken,physically broken, mentally hanging on by a thread, that we couldn't all get together and have some hired people to wait on us for a change, do the cooking.... but we would all have such a great time... imagine the real hugs that would be passed around, the real laughter when telling about the things we encounter everyday, you know, the laugh to keep from crying things that happen....
But I doubt we could all be in a large group and really relax, we'd all be trying to take care of each other..... because we know each others stories, and that's what we do, take care of.........and think about what we would talk about if we decided we couldn't talk about our charges.... we'd all just be looking at each other, we couldn't talk politics because we get interrupted during the news, we couldn't talk global warming because we are putting too many diapers into the land fills, guess we'd end up looking like a large group of Alz. patients, repeating ourselves, asking where we were, who is going to come pick us up and what time is it.....some of us would be setting across the table with our laptops, talking to each other on FB because we don't know how to talk in person anymore.... we couldn't take pictures because we forgot to pack the camera, we couldn't swap recipes because we forgot how to write on paper.....
But the one saving grace would be the love that filled that room, the collective empathy, compassion, and understanding would transcend all the other things we have forgotten how to do, don't have time or energy to do..... now that is my idea of a HAPPY THANKSGIVING or MERRY CHRISTMAS.....
Just grateful for all of you.... hugs across the miles...
I am sure there would be a lot of hugs and love, jam would have to bring her shoes in many colours so we could all try them on, cmag would read poems, maya would share stories and photos, shawna would bring the mugs, ros would bring pets for cuddling, ladee would bring rocks and mexican music- come on everyone - what would you contribute?
for me, I would cook up a storm - love cooking for a large group - in a past lifetime when I used to give parties I would start cooking 2 days before they were due to come and keep cooking till the first ones arrived at the door. the extra special dishes were the experiments I would try n the last few hours after all the regular stuff was done
sounds like fun to me!!!
come on ya'll what would you bring to the party???? And I would only bring the music if ya'll let me play it REALLY REALLY LOUD......
My mother's appointment with her primary is this afternoon. I'm feeling kind of punchy because I slept in naps again. Maybe there will be time for a nap later on. I have dishes to do and a couple of e-mails to write and prayers to pray before she gets up. I've got a load of laundry in the washer working right now.
I think I found a church. The pastor is one of the cousins' son. I've known Matt since he was a little boy. He's about to be a dad himself. I visited his church last night and when the sermon was over, I congratulated him for making me think.
When I got to the church, I opened the door and his mom looked up and told him to run, that I was there. He laughed. Apparently, she was able to explain better to him just why I was looking for another church than I could. I was trying to be diplomatic but his mother doesn't have to be.
Now I understand why Uncle Billy was so proud of Matthew. Yep, he's Uncle Billy's grandson. He's got the same twinkle in his eye that his grandpa had.
Yesterday morning, I was supposed to go with another cousin to her church. When I lived here before, I attended church there, so I already knew what to expect. However, she'd spent the night in the ER with her husband, so she needed to go back to sleep. When I hung up with her, I finished my shower and got dressed. Then, I went across town to a grocery store where another one of our cousins works and did a bit of shopping for us there. I saw my cousin working with her back turned toward me and I asked her if she could give me some assistance. She said yes and then she turned around and saw it was me. When she came over, she gave me the biggest hug. I can't begin to tell you all just how much I needed that. Then she introduced me to some of her co-workers, telling them that I was the one that she'd told them about who had moved down with her aunt. She and her sisters took care of their father, my dad's oldest brother. She has an idea of how tired I am. She told me several times yesterday that if I want to go do something for me on a day that she has off, she'll be glad to come and sit with my mother. I think she knows how burned out I am.
I read an article on VA Aid and Assistance. It seems my mother qualifies and the VA even allows it if the surviving spouse is being taken care of at home by family members. If it happens, it would take a load off me, because it would probably pay enough for me to have things I need, like doctor visits. Most of that gets put aside right now because of all that my mother needs.
So, I'm going to get the paperwork together and she's going to file for it. It takes a long time to get it approved, but it is retroactive to the date of filing, so it would begin with a lump sum for all those months. That income would take a load off the worry list that always seems to be going on in my head, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep, so that might help accomplish that as well.
So, what do you think?
Checking in to see how the weekend was for everyone. I've got a ton of paperwork to fill out today and some phone calls to make, so this will be short.
brandy.......when we moved my mil here 2 yrs ago, I was talking to hubby one day, and I said "you know, the crazy old lady downstairs".......and it stuck. Whenever I called her that to her face, she just laughed and thought it was so funny, because of course it was said and meant with affection.
Detachment is the best way to go sometimes......it's hard to turn and walk away, but you have to do that or go crazy yourself. That is really the underlying reason behind placing the col in the NH.......it's benefiting her in a way that she wasn't getting here, but she was sucking the life out of me daily and it was getting to the point where I just couldn't drag myself into it anymore. She may not be in her own home now, but her needs are being met and she's happy. And I am happier with being able to visit with her and not be responsible for cleaning the poop off her and every surface of her house, and repeating myself over and over and over and over..........
So, hope everyone checks in and let's us know how you are doing today!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
jam - hope the paperwork goes OK - glad you guys made the decision to place the col - benefits all around - she will need more and more care as time goes on and that wil be someone else's job -someone who is trained and gets paid for that - listening to a program right now about respecting and caring for yourself - it fits
My eyes are bothering me a lot so I'm not spending much time online. But I check in from time to time and I'm trying to keep up with everyone.
Diane, so happy James in improving.
Brandywine, I admire your heart for your Mom. I wish I had some memories like yours. Most of my Mom memories are of her being kind or fun with someone other than me...or my siblings, for that matter.
An update: the vertical blind has been replaced. The wall was spackled and painted, new hardware installed and we now have lovely drapery panels across the sliding door. Whew. Now P wants to redecorate the family room. Heaven help me!
I've threatened that when (if) my new lens makes it possible for me to drive I'm going on a road trip, solo, to escape the madness. lol (I don't want to get away from P, he's wonderful.)
Not much new going on with Mom, same stuff, different day. I can tell she's not telling me something - should I worry? Probably. But I can't control the situation so I need to let some things go. Right?
funny how gals will share the most intimate details of their lives but not tell their weights or ages lol.
Yes guilt goes with the territory and is something you need to work on, brandy. In fact it is something parents will use to manipulate their children - even adult children. You have to live now. Your mum is not the same person who stuck up for you in school. Good for her for doing that, but no reason for u to feel guilty now, Definition of guilt (Wikipedia)- Guilt is the state of being responsible for the commission of an offense.[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.
You have not violated a moral standard. Your mother's appearance and behaviour in public is inappropriate, and, I am sure, distressing to others. If you really want to take her out can it be for something like a drive in your car and drive in for food so there is less chance of her acting out? Not sure that would work with your husband. Please work on giving up the guilt. It really does no one any good and is hard on you. You have a big enough load looking after your husband. ((((hugs))))
hi bee- glad the repairs are finished - that was fast! Blinds and drapery and redecorating the family room!!! Wow! Like you, I do not have good memories of my mum - bad ones, in fact. Escaping the madness sounds lovely. You are right not to worry - it does no good anyway. You obviously have concern for your mum, but your hands are tied at present.
emjo..........you have explained things beautifully, as usual. I was feeling a bit of guilt myself last week, and got myself out of it real fast. Why? Because I haven't done a thing wrong concerning the col. I am not responsible for the decline in her mental status and won't act like it is. The only thing I am sorry for is the fact that she is infected with the horrible Alzheimer's disease.
ladee........I loved what you wrote this morning about family and celebrating and I guess my question is............why can't we do that? I'll bring the paper plates so we don't have to think about dishes. And plastic forks and knives........now we just need to figure out where. So everyone needs to put on their thinking caps....lol
Will check back later.........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I'm continuing to be my up and down self with today being great, but the last several days not being good.
One more of my uncles died recently and I think I told ya'll about my dad having irregular heart beat which is being treated with blood thinner right now and in two more weeks will get electric treatment to get his heart being right.
This time of year is full of stress for many reasons one of which is having to be around family plus in-laws :) and out-laws :(
This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas in years when we are celebrating both in our own home without guests from out of town or our being guests in another town. Some relatives we will see before a holiday and others we will see after a holiday, but this time it will be me, my wife, our two sons, us four and no more. This will mean that preparation for each will have far less stress and we can cut down on travel expenses which we have enough of with two in college at the same time and one of them is out of state.
I don't know if I've shared my poem "Barnacles" and/or "What A Cop Out To Say, This Is How I Am And Always Will Be Because Of My Dysfunctional Family" Anyhow, a life long friend from high school, who has been like the sibling I never had, sent me the following response to my poems. "I am sorry you have had the kind of pain that would motivate these poems but they are well written and true expressions of what you have walked through" That was a very kind response and the only one I got from all the people I sent those two new poems to.
Hugs, prayers and love to all!
I think you will find this year that the holidays are extra special with just the four of you. When my children were younger, we celebrated Christmas one year with just the 3 children, my husband and myself. It was so wonderful to watch the kids opening gifts, and then fixing breakfast, and if I remember right, that is the year they wanted tacos for Christmas dinner.....lol. It was a great day! It is more relaxing and you will have time to visit with the kids before they are back to school. And you can go take a nap any time you feel like it!
Come back and visit with us and let us know how you're doing. We're a great bunch!
((((((hugs))))) and prayers
cmag - thanks - quiet holidays sound great to me - just your immediate family. Hope your dad goes through the procedure well and benefits by it. keep writing poems!!!
did a mince pie -the gluten free crust fell apart but tasted good - I have a few more ideas to improve it - practicing for THE PARTEE!
Maya I wish you luck with the Aid and attandace thing. I am going through that now with mom. Fightng for it and trying hard. Make sure you have all your paperwork signed done and in triplicate that way you have a copy of it on hand. Also get a hold of your local Veternas affairs office to help you. I should have done that in the first place.
Guilt is horrible and sometimes I feel like I am swimming in it. Mom had a bad time today emotionaly. Though the time spent with Austin Sunday made her weekend. She so enjoyed holding him and kissing his forehead he even smiled. She was upset cause my idiot sister called and told her that one of the people she knew in church had died and that she missed the funeral. UGH so she got upset that she was still alive and he had passed (he was 15 years younger than she is) I told her shes alive because she has so many grand kids and great grandkids that want her around. That picked her up a bit. I laid into my sister later on the phone. I thought she had called to talk to mom just to talk not to tell her that. She said well she had a right to know. I said well then you should have told me and I would have broke it to her gently. Sometimes my sister can be a real IDIOT! Oh yeah they came down saturday alright. They came donw cause idiot sister wants me to take the gifts for Alena and Nick to my sister Kathys. She wants me to do this behind E's back. Nope Not happening. She dont want anythign to DO with her... what don't she GET! SO I just nodded my head to avoid conflict not sure what the HECK to do with them when she gives them to me.
Business is doing well. Finally got the handle on the ornaments still working on that as the templates didn't work so great. But sister liked them so did mom. Nephews girlfriends picking up hers tomorrow. Got my catalog done have to get that printed up for saturday which we are going to be spending the night at my sister kathy's friday so we will be there. My colds almost gone YAY! I can breath so much better. Just waiting for the snow to hit then the holidays to start. My sis Kathy is a sweetie … okay my mom has a christmas collection as does my sister Kathy.. well when we went up to kath's on sunday. She said I have something for you. She came out with this wonderful pretty Santa She said this is to start your collection. She is so nice sometimes.
CMag, we all know there are people in this world that view anyone that does not fit into the status quo mold, is looked as a "different" and therefore ignorance spreads faster than compassion....I am sorry some of your friends did not reply, but am so proud of you for taking the risk..... taking risks helps us to get healthy too...the paradox being, the more vulnerable we are, the less vulnerable we become.....because we have a bigger view of the world, we learn how to choose who to get vulnerable with..... just know that you are always embraced here and that we appreciate you..... hugs....
Shawna, glad to hear your business is picking up, now if you can learn to say "no" to your family, you'll be set to go.... sorry mom had a rough day, but she also gets to be sad for the world going on around here, the changes that happen, and the people that pass..... I think we need to let them be sad once in awhile, it is called being human....
I am seeing a definite decline in Sonny these past few weeks...and Marie finally opened up about how she feels about watching her husband leave her, little steps at a time.... She is a tired caregiver too, with her own health problems.... tho I still don't let her take her frustrations out on him, I do understand her resentment and sadness.....I have more patience with his memory loss, but I am not with him 24/7..... I always go back to when I was taking care of Ruth, and that was 24/7 and remember how I felt....
Seems some were not interested in our PARTEE, but you are still invited to join in on the fun of pretending we can all get together and have some fun for a change.....
Jam, sorry your football team does not understand the rules of football, better luck next year....
Seeme Sue, I love ya and miss ya.....
Going to work early this morning, Marie has a Dr's appt. Am looking forward to the holidays only because I will get more time off..... yes, I am a tired old lady, just like all caregivers I know, young or old, we are just tired....
Vic, hope dad has a better week than the weekend he had...and that you get some much needed rest....
Hugs to everyone..... gotta get going....
Doing a quick drive-by.............I get a day out! Have to go to a bank where the col had an account and move it, then do a test drive and possible purchase of my new vehicle, then in downtown KC there is a place called the City Market, so we're going there to stock up on fresh veggies and fruit and loose tea for Target, then for lunch the world famous Arthur Bryant's Barbeque. So, it's going to be a long day, but a good one. Other than our little trip to Tunica in Sept, we haven't been out, just the two of us, in months.
ladee......glad Marie is opening up to you. I keep holding out hope that she won't stay herself forever and will relax and allow you to do what needs done. Is Sonny going to be able to pick up sticks today? If not, sounds like seeme is going to do it for him....lol.
I like your analogy CMag, although I haven't seen those commercials. Any type of mental illness is scary to a lot of people..........maybe they think it's contagious.
Shawna, glad you are making the templates work. Sounds like you are going to have a lot of fun with all the kids. Give Mom a big hug and just be grateful that she will soon forget a lot of the sadness when told to her.
emjo......making snow angels? Or pie today?
Vic.....hope Dad is better today, which will make things better for you.
maya, mis, SDPeg, Cindy, TPeg, ASG, stormy, and I'm having a senior moment..........I wish everyone a wonderfully peaceful day and will check back later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
One idea, let him know your "scheduled" on call times. Let him know that he can leave you a message and you will return his calls if you are not immediately available.
Keep in mind that no one but you controls your reaction to any given situation.
Put things into perspective for your own mental health. Caregiving is a thankless "job" that you will never regret unless you do it with constant resentment. See your care for your grandfather as the selfless act of love and mercy that it is. This is a gift you want to give freely. If you read back through the posts here, you will see a pattern. You are not dealing with the Grandfather you knew in his younger years. This is a new version. You are caring for a being (we'll rename grandfather's disease) "Dementia". The man you knew is still in there but can't come out easily. You picked the right place to vent. Laugh, cry and commiserate with us. We have your back. (((hugs))) Bee
I also support a schedule on phone calls or we would be called 24/7. I tell people I will return calls between 9 and 10 a.m. or between 7 and 8 p.m. Those are the only two hours calls get returned. That does not mean I won't call to chat and catch up with a fun phone call, but with my university student schedule, I have to have certain times people know I will call them or I am called while in class and that's definitely a no-no.
I agree this is a great place to vent.
Last night my mom was making reference to my sister and her husband who is here visiting from out of state. The last time she saw my sister was immediately after my dad's death last year. Last night my mom could not remember not only my sister's name but that "that woman and that man" were indeed her daughter and son-in-law. The memory is fading ... that one conversation I will hold in my heart as it would break my sister's heart to know that our mom couldn't remember her first born child. It is these stories that will never be repeated ... but I will remember as my time comes that there were will be people I don't remember. I have urged all my children to watch the movie "The Notebook" so that they know what is in our family lineage.
Hope all have a great day ... semester is winding down ... lots to do.
SDPeg