This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Is there anyone that could come set with her just for a few hours, or a respite facility near you??? If not, then by all means use this thread and us to keep you sane and feeling you are connected to the world.....hope we hear from you again and again...... this thread has saved my sanity.... hugs across the miles to you... and angels sent to help you carry your load...
Caring for her solo has to be extremely draining. I am not in the states so do not know your systems, but I understand that there are some resources for respite and maybe some home care. Some have suggested that there may be people in a church who would help. Can she not be left alone at all -for safety reasons or does she just want your company 24/7? Your profile says she has general age related declined. It is not fair on you nor healthy for you to be kept a "prisoner" in your own home. Do keep comng back. even cybercontact and venting shbould help your feelings of isolation and anxiety. There are meds for the anxiety too. Most of us are on something The job is just too hard.
She starts each day with uncontrollable sobbing and crying... its heartbreaking! It can also happen at the drop of a hat during any part of the day as well. When I can get her to tell me whats wrong, she either say that she doesnt feel good or that shes frustrated by her body failing her, that its because shes not able to remember so many things anymore or that shes just disgusted with everything.
When she's not around me she goes into a terrible panic. Its like I'm her security blanket that she cant be without.
She cant be left alone. Along with here health issues and being a proven fall risk, she will open the door for anyone and let people in the house without hesitation. Thankfully those that she has let in were people that I knew, but at the time she had no idea who they were.
I am making her an appointment to see what can be done about her obvious depression. Hopefully if we can get it under control life can be better for both of us.
So hopefully some meds will help, then you can get out of there once in awhile.... I know from my own personal depression that when it was not medicated I was very forgetful.... so hopefully there is not dementia.
But come back and talk with us... let us know how the Dr. visit went....
Emjo, have you had to cook moose yet???? I hope you take pics and post on FB if you do, that is just disgusting to someone who does not eat meat... YUK...
Shawna, what triggered mom;s anxiety attack.... hope she is feeling better today.... glad you got your catalog done, now go make some money girl.....
be back later.... hugs to everyone...
Stormy honey … I think what the others have said is right. You are doing the best you can. I think Connor sees this as your job. Another thing is it does give an impression on lil minds and teaches them compassion. He sees you taking care of his Grandpa... and sees the love that you pour out... in his little mind that makes an impression. My little Connor (though hes not mine he's my grand nephew) is forever trying to help with his nanie when he's up at my sisters when we are. He is just five himself and he is now a big brother.
We are getting snow here … sometime this week. I am actually looking forward to it. I also got some good news my sister Jeanne is coming down to spend the WHOLE week with me next week. I am really looking forward to that. It will give me a small break as she can hang out with mom. She is also bringing her puppy with her which mom loves. He's a lil toy poodle.
A lot of the panic mom gets is when we are going to go somewhere and she knows shes gonna be alone with my sister without me there. What Crystal said is basically like mom is too. She sees me as the security blanket. And when I go do the workshop this weekend well she's just gonna be with my sister and maybe my brother in law unless I take her with me Saturday which is gonna be a long five hours. So I am not sure its a good idea to take her with me we will see. But basically we talked and she was afraid that if I had her at my sisters and I wasn't there I'd just leave her there. I reassured her (I'll probably have to do that again Saturday) that I was not leaving her just going to go somewhere so I can make some money for us. I have a few ideas and I might have a new supplier for my products though it will cost me in the long run when it comes to shipping. I now have colored mugs well the rim and the handle is colored I have options to Black blue maroon green yellow red Cambridge blue light blue orange light green and pink I also have options to have the color inside and the handle. So we will see as they do the shipping by weight. LOL if I order enough for a pallet then ha ha .. I don't pay shipping at all but unless I get a HUGEEEEEEE order that's not gonna happen.
Checking in and I see we have a new sister! Welcome Crystal.....and hope you enjoy your time with us! Sounds like you have your hands full and need a break. Everyone has given you very good advice............ But do hope you get some relief for yourself and get Mom a check-up and on some anti-depressants, I'm sure you will enjoy the changes you will see in her. Glad you're here and looking forward to this journey with you!
Shawna......happy to hear Mom is better. Did she have a bad evening to cause her anxiety?
stormy......give our little fella a big birthday hug! How's Dad doing?
emjo.........I want pictures of the moose!!!!!! And when you put the antlers on, give the camera to G.....want to see those too....lol
Target told me an amusing story this morning and it explains a lot. Years ago, 53 to be exact, when he was 5 yrs old, the col would drive to California and he would sit in the front seat and be her "eyes". We all know how vain she is and how much trouble I had getting her to wear her glasses. It seems that she would pull out to pass a car and ask Target, when she saw a dark spot, "is that car coming or going" and he would tell her whether it was safe to pass or not! So she's been unable to see well for 34 years...so now I know why she never saw the BIG red truck that she turned in front of a few years ago.
Hope everyone has had a great day........will check back later......
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I haven't said much about Mom lately. She has been about the same, confused and telling me about her "kids" who don't eat the food she puts in front of them. It's amazing how different her perception of the world is after 5 pm.
At about 2:30 pm yesterday she called and I was not available. She left a message and I could tell from the tone of her voice she was befuddled about something. I returned her call later in the evening because she said it wasn't urgent. She had some work done on her water system (a well) yesterday and thought she hadn't paid the bill correctly. I have the impression she fussed about it with the technician but he accepted her payment and left.
Even though I can't see what she's looking at, I am often able to decipher the issues (I'm an accountant). I attempted to explain it to her and she was very insulting and combative with me. Told me I didn't know what I was talking about. (so why did she ask me?)
Sometimes, it's hard not to tell her off. Okay, I said it out loud. I guess I should feel better but instead, I feel deflated. But this, too, shall pass. Right? Right!I
I belong to AARP (www.aarp.org) and find they sometimes have good information posted. They have a "relationships" section and have posted some good articles on caregiving. You don't have to be a member to read the articles. I read one this morning outlining 10 points caregivers should adopt.
1 Put your physical needs first.
2 Connect with your friends.
3 Ask for help.
4 Call on Community resources.
5. Take a break.
6. Deal with your feelings.
7. Find time to relax.
8. Get organized - prioritize your responsibilities.
9. Just say no.
10. Stay positive.
Each of these points has a paragraph explaining what they are suggesting. We've said all these things to each other here in our posts in one way or another. I think I'm going to type these out and put them somewhere I can see them from time to time.
So, to get positive, I am going to look forward to the kids visit this weekend. It will be great fun to have the baby here! We're doing a Thanksgiving dinner with them Saturday night so the fridge is bulging at the seams.
Stormy, I hope Conner's BD party is great fun tomorrow.
Crystal, feel the hugs across the miles.
Vic, Austin, Jam, Cricket, Kuli, cmagnum, Ro, SDPeg, Peggy, Ss and SS, Mismiley....and everyone I've missed, I hope you have some peaceful moments today. You are so precious and appreciated. Bee.
If someone could bottle up all the strength and "backbone" displayed by the care givers here, would that be a force to be reckoned with! I am proud and very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to get to know you wonderful people and a chance to be a little part of your lives. And humbled also, that as each day goes by, through all the tears and heartache, the laughter and love and the pain of watching our loved ones fade, you keep plodding along to help give them another day of YOU.
Ro.....I'm sending special prayers this morning that you will find some relief. I am glad the vultures aren't taking any more of Mom's money this year. I don't know how Italy works with aid programs, if at all, but it seems there should be something like our Medicaid program that could give some assistance. I will pray for a big bag of money to drop from the sky and land right at your feet!
I hope for a wonderful day for everyone.........here the sun is shining, about 37 degrees, no frost this morning but the wind is blowing and brrrrrrrr it's cold! Does that make you jealous ladee.....lol.........I'll trade you any day.
Will check back later..........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Thanks a lot. See you later in the night. I have to feed my mother now, it's dinner time for us!
stormy - thinking of you and lil red and the b'day party - think the others may be right - the guilt u feel is not much different than a working mother's. I worked through my kid's childhoods. U just have to arrange some times for u and hub and lil red to be together and do fun things
jam - sounds like things r going well with the col - hope your dental work is not too dreadful
ladee - pluggng away - I was thinking of sonny picking up sticks and it seems much like life - the winds blow and we have a mess to clean up - then the next day we do it all over again - sometimes we get ahead of the game, but not for long
bee - enjoy ur family - those times are precious - beautiful grandbabies :)
sgpeg - hope u get some relax time in the middle of studies - that ur mum didn't recognize ur sister says to me that she may be a bit farther down the dementia road that was thought - It must have been a shock to you
tpeg - hope ur mum is better and dad is managing
mis - got all your lights up??? snow???? granma still wanting to throw u out?
cmag - hope your renewed energy is sticking around
seeme -puppie babies coming soon - hope you are wending your way through the grieving process - not easy
crystal - try to find some time for you and let us know what the doc says about ur mum and depression - my mum is narcissistic and has been all her life - I read somewhere recently that along with age and dementia, narcissism often comes too - many can relate
brandy - good for setting some limits with the col (lol) - they will not change - all we can do is protect ourselves - a learning process for sure
bama - I guess I wanted to say the same to you - no, he will not change - so all you can do is protect yourself by setting some boundaries - there is no need to answer many phone calls a day - in fact it just encourages the behaviour - now that I have limited my responses to my mothers frequent emails, she is down to about 2 a week which is reasonable - 10 to 20 a day is not - it is nuts! It has taken several; months for this to happen and I expect she could easily get back to many a day if I responded to them
maya - where are u? is the VA application working out? how's mum's incision?
shawna - lovely pics of your mum and the new baby - cutie!
any one I have forgotten - call it a senior's moment, I've earned it!
we are thinking of you and want u to let us know how u r - 54, burned, asg, heart, and I know I have missed some
here i have a cold and just want to sleep, but my man came home for lunch as he is going hunting right after work - no moose yet, but he and his uncle are going for one this weekend. At least I get a quiet few days to get over this. It is his uncle's turn for the rack (antlers), if they get one, so no moose antler pic this time - got a shed (antlers that were shed) in the garage I can take pics of
G installed all the blinds -dear man - looks nice and I ordered more for the upstairs windows and got lucky - they were on sale. Finally after about 3 years -window coverings again!
Well, nap time - all weekend till I get over this cold. Doing the minimum - as long as I can get away with it,
have a good weekend everyone and take care all
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
One morning she was struggling with her patience and questioning when she would be cured of this memory problem and i honestly told her she won't be cured of it. I explained again in detail the lobes of the brain, the degeneration of the muscles, atrophy ... all of which she does have knowledge of. She trusts the information I add to what she already knows. Actually she told me immediately that she was relieved when I told her "never" as she can quit waiting to wake up one morning and be her old self again. She talks to me about her feelings about aging. She thanks me for being her brain for her when hers is not functioning as she would like it.
I guess I am fortunate that she is aware her brain is not what it used to be and that I have her family history to look at. The only times I feel frustrated is when I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or late for an appointment/leaving for school But that has nothing to do with my mom, per se, it has to do with being a normal human being that gets irritated with situations sometimes.
And perhaps we all need to be mindful of that: in our lives, during the irritating times, is it the person or situation that is irritating us? Are we hungry? Tired? Thirsty? Lonely? In need of a hug? Running late? Sometimes changing the focus of our frustration helps with the relationships we have in life.
I am thankful for this group as I see many of us struggling with situations and not necessarily the people who surround us in our lives.
SDPeg
yes, hungry, angry, lonely or tired (halt) - times to do a little self evaluation
it is great that ur mum will listen to your explanations and get some comfort from them and also accept her own decline. I remember when my father was declining the hardest time for him ( and maybe us) was when he was aware of it, later, once that awareness was gone he seemed a bit more content, but also, of course, was less able to interact as he was further along in his decline. I am sure that the stress of grieving would hasten what was happening. It is very hard on everyone.
Ro- praying for you and your mom that things get better for you. Dang government.
stormy- give Red a happy birthday hug from me and I agree with what all the girls already said.
Hugs to all of the ones I forgot to mention and to the new faces.
The other night Grandma told me that she wanted to buy another pistol. (yeah, right I was thinking in the back of my mind) cause she said when Jr. isn't here at night we need some protection and that way I will have one of my own and she'll have one, too. I don't think so. I just went along with it and said nothing more about it. She hasn't mentioned it later in the week so hoping she forgot all about it. She hasn't cried for a long time until on Wednesday. She said that she misses grandpa (he's been gone since '03) and my mil who has been gone since '07. Grandma doesn't cry all the time but once in a while. I told her that we miss them too and that someday she'll be able to see the both of them, but until then that God isn't finished with her yet so we're going to make the best of it and laugh a little more.
I know that there is going to be a time that we're going to have to make a decision to place grandma in a nh. I can see it coming. I'm like a third party looking in and am not in denial about it. I think my husband is sometimes. It just comes a time where I draw the line in the sand of what I'm willing to do for this caregiving of grandma. I can relate alot to Stormy. I never envisioned that after almost of 8yrs of marriage we'd be doing this, but things happen for a reason even though we may not understand it at the time, but it'll make us stronger in the end.
I told Rob the other day that he's driving Grandma and I to our niece's baby shower cause I can't get Grandma into the jeep by myself. I don't want to take chances with being wired together them coming apart. He said that he would. I've got a good husband and grandma has a grand grandson. I posted pics of the cake my friend made for me on my facebook page. I got my future great niece a teething purse. It looks pretty cool and her first purse at -2 months old.
Well girls and gent (cmag) gotta get off of here got tons to do before everyone gets up. hugs across the miles and praying that ya'll have a wonderful weekend.
Smiley
emjo, how is your cold today?? Staying warm and eating hot soup I hope...
Stormy, how did the bday party go, I know you will post pics , want to see the Sponge Bob cake and see how it turned out....
Vic, hope dad is doing better, now that the Dr. has talked to him, maybe he will stop pushing himself so hard, hope you got some rest..... the heathen worries about you....
Jam, did you ever get the new car in the garage??? Where is Target going to park, down by the pond??? How is the col????
SDPeg, a while back you mentioned you took in pregnant teens, would you mind sharing about that??? I worked in a boys home. And while on many levels it was very rewarding, it was also heartbreaking at times..... I would love to know more about it ....
Seeme Sue, glad the mil is gone.... do you have your tree up yet????
I haven't taken the time to go back and read posts, so forgive me for not mentioning your name or circumstances.... it is a toss up on any given day as to who has Alz.... Me or Sonny.....
Going to run errands and get this day going.... hugs to everyone, get caught up later....
I'll be busy cooking the rest of the day. (That's all I've done since yesterday morning!) This is a good day, so far.
Hugs to everyone! Hope you have peaceful moments today. Bee
It was my pleasure to aid these girls in the transition times of their lives. Recently one of my daughters ran into one of my girls and that girl was still thankful for what I did for her. And that's a blessing as well. Thinking that it has been about 15 years that I was a part of this ministry and knowing one girl still remembers and is thankful reminds me of the ten lepers (my favorite Bible story) ... one went back to say thank you.
I cherish the times my mom thanks me for being here for her. That makes up for all the stress and struggle.
Seeing the struggles we all face with caring for our family members/friends, I have alerted two out of four of my daughters that when the time comes that my brain or body is not functioning as it was previously, please put me in communal living (I would enjoy that actually, I am very social). I explained to both of them that this is hard, hard work and they may or may not want to do it (one would be great at it actually). I am being empathetic to them now so they know what I want down the road. I am more psycho-social and cogntively active than both of my parents were/are so perhaps the deterioration due to atrophy will occur later than my mom's did. That remains to be seen doesn't it? And besides, if I lived by myself and not with a flurry of family around, I could be on the computer (or whatever they will be called in years to come) and not be interrupted!!! Method to my madness!
Again, Linda, thanks for asking about a part of my life that I enjoyed! Tell me about the boys you cared for. Sounds like we had parallel lives for a while!?!
SDPeg
I worked in a basic care facility for boys that were giving their familes problems, or so it would appear. I know now there are very few 'bad' boys, but many bad parents..... but some of these boys were living in horrible conditions, some had never had a bed of their own to sleep in, ect.... the campus was for boys between the ages of 7 and 18... I was houseparent for the boys between 11 and 14. That can be a very hard time for most kids, much less when they are being left alone, or having many bad examples set for them....
We lived in a huge cottage with eight bedrooms plus quarters for the houseparents.... we were one huge dysfuntional family at times.... some of the boys had major problems, and none of them come in there liking women... they were required to stay a year. With some, we made awesome progress, some, unfortanelty, it was too late for, ( according to society, not according to ladee) and were either sent to Juvinile Detention, back home to thier crazy famillies, or went to jail....
It was not a lock down facility, so a few ran away.... but the premise was to teach them daily living skills. They all had chores that had to be done before they left for school...helped set the table and such, were responsible for thier own laundry, ect... some of these boys had never had any structure so easing them into the routine was tough at times...One of our main objectives was to let each boy know they were special, loved, that there were other ways to handle thier emtions... and anyone could call a " cottage meeting" at any time for any reason.... I found out the boys did better if we had the meetings outside, so if the weather permitted and it wasn't 10 o'clock at night, out we went... the boys were learning to 'talk' about things instead of using the coping skills they came in with.... I have been blessed to hear from quite a few of my boys, especially when I still lived down home....