This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
to finish to SDPeg, working with young folks is a blessing. we'll never know whose lives we touched and that is how God wants it so the credit is given to Him by us, right??? It was the best job I ever had, just got too old to handle it.... but working with Alz has it challenges too. but have learned a lot about this disease and it's behaviours....so yes, to some degree we walked a similar path in working with the young ones... very rewarding....
How is everyone this evening???? Getting ready for the big meal???? As I told Brandy, glad I do not have family to deal with thru the holidays, won't even have my son this year. too much craziness..... love to all....
asg - your hands ARE tied - one aunt is enough, and even too much sometimes. i am sure something will be figured out and with Alz, I doubt that lady is quite the same as she was. Hope the kids are good
sdpeg and ladee -interesting to hear about your experiences. I "taught" at a school for mentally and emotionally challenged kids. It was quite something. We were "therapists" in a school setting and had evey condition from quite low IQ but well adjusted emotionally to quite high IQ but schizophrenic and potentially dangerous -and everything in between, I learned a lot and went through some "fun" stuff
got a cold, so dosed up on cold fx, seeing the doc on Monday to go back on my higher dose of candida meds - symptoms reappearing, aaaargh! I will get past this!!!!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
My wife has been having pain in her neck and back which resulted in a MRI of her whole spine. She has herniated disks in her neck where the worst pain is plus one in her middle and lower back. She will be getting some pain shots for her neck. Her carpal tunnel pain in her right wrist now requires special pain shots as well. Recently, one of her teeth started hurting. Turns out she has an infection and it looks like she will need a root canal soon! She's on pain medicine and antibiotics for the tooth infection as well. All in all, she is in a lot of pain.
Sunday afternoon, we drive out of town to see her mother and sister before their mom has some medical tests done early the next morning. We will celebrate an early thanksgiving with them Sunday night.
Tuesday, I will pick up our youngest from the airport for it cost less for him to fly than it does to drive back from college. Plus, it takes less time and is safer. Thursday, our immediate family will celebrate Thanksgiving by going to K&W to eat their special meal for we are not up to cooking. Either that day or the next, we will drive up to visit my mom in the nursing home.
As for me, I'm still adjusting to the time change. I've been able to prepare my front yard landscaping for the winter, but I've not been able to get to the back yard yet which is far more complex. Maybe, at least our oldest son will help me some while he is home for Thanksgiving. Lately, I have had more days depressed and weak than I have otherwise. It is really bad when you sleep 9-11 hours but do not awake rested and until I take my second wake up pill for the day still am not always really awake.
I do not have any news about my mom or dad nor step-parents.
CMag, please tell your wife how sorry I am she is in so much pain... and right here at the holidays when it is stressful. Happy to hear your sons are coming home and you will get to have some family time..... your mood will lift, unfortunately that is the cycle.... I hate that roller coaster ride you are on... prayers for you and your family.....
ladee -the way i look at it is that at least the stuff i have isn't the real serious stuff - it can be a "pain" and a downer but I am still basically sound and for that I am thankful -I just have to persist and get past it. Cold FX rocks! The increased diflucan (I had a couple extra) is giving me side effects -dizziness for a couple of hours - which I didn't have before and trust it will wear off - good excuse to stay in out of the cold. This too will pass - eventually! Meanwhile the cat loves having me quiet so he can cuddle ;) Your plans for Thanksgiving sound good to me! Working at the special needs school was fascinating for me too. I also volunteered in the medical/surgical ward of a large mental hospital as it was called in those days. You name it, they had it - MS, CP, as well as psych conditions. One lovely old lady was couldn't speak English and i saw her having trouble at meal time, so i would sit with her and help feed her. The gratitude in her eyes said everything. An older gentleman had lost his wife and was just really depressed and needed a little connection. I visited with him and he perked up a lot. He ended up running the elevator (automatic but gave him something to do) and looking great. And there were other memories, not so nice but still interesting.
Emjo- sorry that you are under the weather; i hope you feel better real soon so you can start making your antler soup for thanksgiving!!!!!!! YUM-OOOOO. LOL
Ros- I am so sorry to hear of your money troubles. I pray that you will find the funds to help you make it through this thanksgiving and christmas season. I will say a prayer for you tonight for more money and more work. Love and hugs to you sweetie!
Smiley- so how long have you and your hubby been looking after grandma? Did i see something on here about 8 years? Or was it 4 years? either way that sounds like a lifetime when you are talking about caregiving.... I know what you mean me, my sis and my brother never thought in a million years that this would have gone on this long with my dad. We thought that he was going to have his trach put in be out of comission for a few weeks and things would be back to normal. Boy, were we wrong. We had no idea whatsoever!!!! What we were getting ourselves into. We had a lady that went to our church and was also a friend of the family. She went with us up to duke when dad had his trach put in. Because her husband had to have one too up at duke so she knew all about the drs and hospital. She kept looking at the 3 of us like she just pitied us so much and we just could not understand why she kept looking at us sooo sad like she was saying" I feel your pain". NOW WE GET IT! She knew the long road and journey we were getting ready to embark upon. Not knowing how long this would last for us. Just thought i would share that with ya'll.
Ladee- i am sorry your son is not acting any better. I will say a prayer for him, so that he will quit trying to drive you crazy. I haven't heard you mention marie lately, is she ok? Still worrying the SH#% out of you? i hope not i hope she has mellowed out some for yours and sonny's sake. Hugs
Brandy- i know what you mean about the holidays. All it is, is rush from one house to anothers house until finally it's time to go home and then christmas is over pretty much. My idea would be to stay at home with me, my hubby and connor and not to have to go no where else that day. Period. It's so hectic having to do all that rushing around that you wish christmas away. Personally i'd like to stay home and play with connor and his Ynew toys that he got from santa claus. Oh well.......
Cmag- i am so sorry that your wife is having so much pain with her back and neck. My family(cousins mainly and my mom) have and had back and neck surgeries in the past. Bad backs run in our family something awful. So i am sorry you and your wife are having to go through this. I will say a prayer for also.
Well ya'll the day is wearing on me so i think i will close for now. I will chat maybe tomorrow about dad- nothings wrong just the usual stuff- MUCUS,MUCUS AND MORE MUCUS! Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
54J- So sorry for your loss... My love and (((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) to you. Stormyyyyy
Jo- I hope you get better soon.
ladeeda- As soon as I get everything put up in the yard, we've got inflatables to put up still I'll take a pic and post them on my facebook page. I just might go and buy some during black friday sales.
stormy- We've been taking care of Grandma for 4yrs and been married for 8 come Feb.
Grandma had a good time at the baby shower, yesterday. My niece told me that there was steps that she'd have to go down and she had it all step up with the pastor being there and he'd help to wheel her down. My hubby was a good sport and played the baby shower games: guessing what kind of candy bar was in the diaper, not saying the word baby. My niece's brother and his financee came and he played the games as well. Grandma said she had a nice time. She kept saying towards the end that Daisy is probaly crying and that she'll run out of food to eat. Bless Grandma's heart. Sometimes I wonder if Grandma thinks that Daisy is human. Especially the way Grandma worries about Daisy.
I got my niece some Anti-Monkey Butt powder for Baby. That's been the common thing I get cause it's just plain funny and a little different. It's for friction and helps with the diaper rash. Grandma uses the women's powder. The cake my friend made turned out really good and it looked good too.
Well I think that I changed my mind once again on taking the easy way of cooking on Thanksgiving just cause of all of the salt they put in things these days so later this morning I'm going out a getting a turkey and the rest of the stuff I need but I will get the already made pumpkin pie gotta take shortcuts some where.
Stormy glad the birthday party turned out good. Sounds like alot of fun.
Stormy, for the same reason I understand why you were so happy about Connor's birthday party and you were happier when it was over. I see you have been lucky with the weather... This helps!
Ladee, Jo, Peg, I admire you for what you did in the social field... I have always been quite good with children, but when they become teenagers, I don't know what to do and what to say anymore - my mind gets blank. If I had had sons and daughters, I think I would have been a good mother until they were 10, and a hideous mother after that....
Anyway, I am in my room now and I enjoy the silence... I shall put my mother in bed very early tonight. I don't feel like working, after a day like this, but I have to!
Things are changing rapidly for her (not always in a good way) and although I would like to honor my promise to keep her here in her own home (opposed to communal living that she was in last year and said she wanted to return here), I wonder how much I am going to be doing for her. I thought she was bathing in her bathroom ... I guess not after looking at her feet.
So with her insurance (Secure Horizons) does there need to be a referral or can I just make an appointment and take her? Her next appt with her doc is early January ... I am thinking that waiting that long for a podiatrist ... well, maybe by that time the stench in my nose will be gone (go ahead, laugh, I was trying for a joke here to ease the stress!).
Thank you for your information, I do value your opinions.
SDPeg
PS: Now that I am thinking about this issue, her finger nails could use a good cleaning as well. We know with BMs they don't wipe well and well although I say "wash your hands" and put liquid soap on them, under the nails need cleaning and can I say that the idea of me cleaning them out repulses me? I"m not trying to be a wimp here, but there are some things I want others to do to save my stomach!
Trying to get caught up with everyone's posts. It's been a cold and dreary day here, but at least I managed to get laundry done and recover the dining room chairs.
SDPEG......I'm thinking you might want to check your Mom's policy to see which one she has.....some are HMO, which usually requires a referral, but others are not and you can go to any provider you choose. As for Mom's nails, the toe nails get so thick that normal clippers will not work and for her fingernails you might want to get a nail brush and just start doing the job yourself. I think the hardest thing I had to get over was knowing the col wasn't washing her hands unless I did it and she was wandering around touching everything in sight. When I thought about that I wanted to wear gloves every time I was around her. Of course, with her cognitive decline, she never figured out why I wouldn't accept any food from her or eat anything that was in the cabinets or freezer. Since you've studied the brain, you have an advantage in knowing and seeing the signs that your mother's mental status is declining. It would appear that if she is not taking care of her nails then that region just north of there isn't getting much attention either! And without a strong stomach, you might want to consider having helpers bathe her. There's not quite an eye opener as walking into the bathroom and there sits your loved one making poop pies!!!
Sometimes we make promises and just can't keep them. That's life. When we all started caring for our charge, we didn't have the slightest idea of how things were going to progress. I'm sure you probably never thought about digging poop out of fingernails and yucky stuff out of toes.....there just has to be a limit at times.
54......I know you will check the posts at some time and I wanted to tell you that I'm sending prayers to you and condolences for your loss.
emjo........sure hope you're feeling better and I'm really sorry there won't be antlers to wear this time.
ladee.....how's the weather in your area.......WARM I assume? Did you go rock hunting? Hope son is being quiet and staying out of your way.
ASG.....so good to hear from you! The other aunt sounds like she would get along with all the kids. How is Aunt #1 and kitty doing?
Ro..........I love to have the kids here, especially when they are outside! When they are inside, the noise level gets to be a bit much to take.
mis.....glad Grandma had a good time at the shower. We're still taking the easy way out on Thanksgiving. It just wouldn't work to bring the col here, not only would she want to go down to her house, but she is unable to now get up the stairs into our house. The casino has wheelchairs, so if we can get one our problem is solved on getting her into the buffet.
CMag.........hope you are having a good weekend. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to keep those thoughts positive!
Vic.....check in when you can. Hope Dad is doing okay.
stormy......so happy to hear the birthday party was a success! Did you post any pics on FB?
Shawna......hope you and Mom and doing well. Check in when you get a chance.
seeme.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........I bet that's what you're doing isn't it?
starri.......is probably sunning on a beach in Southern California making the rest of us jealous!
I apologize if I have left anyone out........it was not intentional.......call it my senior moment!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Once again I travel to a fantasy land where we all live close enough by to give one another breaks. I remember when my first born was little, there was a play group in the community for moms to get together and talk and the kids could play. IN my fantasy world, we on this thread do just that. We talk. But our people aren't communing. In my world, they are.
Thanks Jam for your knowledge and words of encouragement.
SDPeg
sdpeg -sounds like some help would be in order - rethinking a placement is a good idea
mis - let us know when you post pictures - I am with you about processed food and too much salt
ladee - the boys home must have been interesting - bet they still remember you
jam - nice car - the casino sounds good - gather the col is settling in
stormy - kids parties are a lot of work. I have 4 kids spread out by 14 years - lots of parties. After a certain age it was a few friends, a sleep over, pizza and a movie.
shawna -lovely pic of your mum and the new babe
cmag - hate these energy downers too - but what can you do???
vic - what's happening? - being the bad guy (gal) is hard on you
not too swift tonight, so will just wish everyone a good week and check in a let us know who u r
minus 4 here and warming up to high 20's later in the week.
love, hugs amd prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Crystal....my mom was like yours. I couldn't go anywhere by myself for my mom hounding my hubby about where I was and when I was coming home. And she would tell me that she felt panicky when I wasn't around. It gave me a warm feeling and drove me nuts at the same time......
My MIL is down in SC safe and secure. Now she can drive them nuts. I thought I could handle having her here this year since she needs surgery this winter, but after the first night, I could tell it was just too soon. To have her in mom's bedrom and bathroom........I can't even put the feelings into words. She has different health issues than my mom did, but I am the in-law, not the daughter, and we weren't raised the same in childhood or adulthood, and it has taken me 40 years to straighten out her son, so I just don't have the strength to try to straighten her out.
I calmly told her that I don't like to talk to her because it is so frustrating because of her hearing. She has always worn a hearing aide, but if she is going to turn it off, WTF? Her other son's house in SC is a constant scream fest, but not here. She said she understood and has an appt this week for a new one. Money is not an issue for her, but I will make sure she has a good one if I have to pay for it. She can be so cheap, but this is not an item to scrimp on. It would cut down on a lot of screaming.
One thing I have noticed lately here on this thread is that we all don't laugh enough. At ourselves, at our situations, even our charges.........so I have a ridiculous story to tell about my CMIL (crazy MIL). She loves to go shoppy shoppy. She has been to every Wal-Mart between Bangor, ME and Aiken, SC. She told me she needed to get some Crocs because she washed hers and they shrank to child-sized.....It was such a crazy story and (to me) excuse that my eyebrows hit and ceiling and my bottom jaw hit the floor. And my husband calmly sat they and quietly said (they all learned to talk softly and barely move their mouths if they said something they didn't want her to hear), "Well, that sounds like a crock to me!" And that left me standing there in her direct line of vision, still in shock, and trying not to bust out laughing!!!......so not fair!!!!!
As for me, either my husband smacked me Tuesday night while I was snoring, or I may have an abcess. My right cheek still hurts today, so I will be calling the dentist tomorrow. They must know I still had some money this month and screwed with a crown on that side. Today I have redness going all the way down both chins on only one side. I would like to think I got some sun yeterday driving 10 hrs back and forth to SC to pick up hubby, but the sun was shining on the other side, and it was dark all the way home.......not likely. If I had a brain, I would consider blood poisoning, but no worry there, so that leaves a topical allergy, abcess, or he really did hit me and is not ready to confess................
Hubby also has a dr appt tomorrow to get BP meds. After 2 weeks with his mom, he said."Ya think I MIGHT be under a little STRESS?" Well, that 2 weeks just put it up to boiling point. But, the dentist wouldn't even clean his teeth because of it, and he has to get paperwork back to them about having it treated before they will. Yes, getting old is a blast...................
I haven't put any Christmas decorations up yet.....just can't bring myself to do it before Thanksgiving. My neighbor/friend/part-time caregiver/adopted sister has fixed her house so it looks like a cottonball factory exploded in it.....snowmen EVERYWHERE. This woman takes everything out of her curio cabinets and replaces them with Santas. She has 20 feet of under cupboard countertop lined with Christmas cookie jars. The wall separating dining from livingroom is lined with Santas, and she has 2 Christmas trees....so far. She has 20 blow-ups for outside, singing, flashing-to-the-beat lights.....really does make me want to put up lights on my house that say "DITTO" ........thanks, emjo, I screamed over that one!!!!!
Guess I have bored you all enough for one night, so I will close saying I think of you all often and I am still here......................later..........
Glad to hear MIL is GONE... I know if it was me, I wouldn't want anyone in my moms room either.... and after what you have been thru the past few years, it will never BE time for someone else in that room..... but then I have my own room upstairs right????
Hope you don't have an abcess, does it hurt or is it just swollen... and very glad to hear Mike is going to Dr. about his BP.....and I don't think he hit you, he knows better, after 40 years he knows what the consequences would be....
Do you still have your Fall tree up? That thing is beautiful.... can't wait to see your Christmas tree, and Kathy has lost her mind..... I'm not that into anything but rocks!!!!
I miss you so much girl..... I could tell by the tone of your voice when we talked last week that mil was driving you up the wall.... eveytime I see someone with crocs on I want to ask them if they shrink when you was them....
This is a lonely thread without you, but I understand too.... I'll try to hang in here until you feel more like posting more often..... love hugs and angels... someone has stolen my "hugs across the miles' so will have to come up with something else.....
and you are someone else I miss on here.... sure wish you had more time to post and let us know how things are with you...... miss my old friends..... love and hugs ......
I met a homeless secret agent the other day.
He said, "The name's Bond, Vagabond."
Love ya lady, hope you are feeling better, sorry , but it is still in the 80's here, still running the AC...... we haven't got our 20 minutes of winter yet..... hugs to you.....