This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy, you asked about Marie... she is a different person now, don't know if she was just getting used to someone else being in the house( she had another caregiver before me) or what... but ever since the day I started laughing when she was basically calling me a liar about the toilet paper, yes, toilet paper, things have been different.... but I also made choices that day myself.... that life is too short to be tight assed about every tiny thing, that if she doesn't like me, then fire me, because I wasn't going to quit because I have grown very attatched to Sonny...She actually lets me do things for her too, we have conversations now, she asks my opinins on things, she listens when I talk to her about Sonny and his behaviours..... and Sonny is in decline and is in some ways easier for her to deal with when I am not there, and in some ways harder, because she looses patience with him.....
This job makes me grateful for my insight into human nature.... I understood her need to "control" her environment, she has always been a very independant lady... she was always frustrated with her first caregiver because she had to constanlty be on her about what needed to be done, how to cook, ect.....so it was a little hard to get used to me, not having to be told, just doing it... and I always say, "if you don't mind" when I am asking her about something.....so I am very grateful she has accepted the help, it does make the day go a lot smoother... for everyone....
As I said, Sonny is in decline, his physical health is very good, but mentally there are many changes just in the past few months..... He wants to sleep more, we can't get outside like we did, so he paces the floor.... but I can ususally get him to "help" me do something because then he feels needed..... things are running smoothly and I am grateful for sticking it out.....
I have been blessed to have walked in many different places in my llife, met such a varied array of personalities, saw the worst and the best in people... it has given me a broader view of the world we live in..... so my chosen feild of working with those with Alz has been very rewarding, and heartbreaking at the same time... I am very educated on the disease of Alz and the behaviours.....no two are the same, regardless of what the books say... you have to be relisent, you have to not have set ideas about how they should do things, I have said this many times, I go to Sonny's world, he doesn't live in mine......I can go into the kitchen, come back into the living room and we do the "meet and greet" all over again..... he doesn't remember I was there... that's ok... the world he lives in is very frightening and confusing to him....
After his shower, and he is getting dressed, I tell him he needs to shave,(he uses an electric razor) and he will stick his face out like a baby bird..... I tell him, no, you can shave yourself, sometimes he gets a little agitated, but most of the time he just laughs....when I see he is disorentied, I stop what I am doing, and set next to him and touch him and hold his hand, and just talk about anything that pops in my head.... the touch seems to make a lot of difference...... I have seen people come into the house and never even speak to him..... he is not invisible, he has Alz... there is so much information out there now about this disease, no cure, no meds that work consistenly, but there are many things that can be done to help and not shame someone who doesn't understand what is going on...
And yes, I get to come home at the end of the day, but I have also done the 24/7 with Ruth... for all the crazy times her and I had, for all the exhaustion, the poop from head to toe, I would not trade that for anything, because this desease will get you in touch with your own humanity.... your fears, your assets, and the list goes on.... not everyone can do it..... we all have our limitations in different areas.... I tend to be less tolerant of someone who has all thier facilites and is selfish or self serving..... at least with Alz there is a legitimate reason.....
alrighty then, I must have been needing to say all this for awhile now.... thanks for listening..... hugs and angels....
Am I up early, or what? Hubby needed someone to bark at this morning........his first day back at work after 2 weeks of "vacation" going to Maine and back....not quite the vacation he wanted...........
SDPeg...I aalys hated to cut mom's toenails....I don't like feet,,,,but I cut her once and it made me hurt. She went to a podiatrist whre they scheduled a nail trim every 10 weeks. But I think she had to pay $50 because she was not a diabetic. Been a while ago, since I had her for 5 yrs. And toward the end, nails was the least of my concerns or caregiving. And she had nail fungus. I still have the gallon size bottle of hand sanitizer in her bathroom..........
It can amaze you how much you can do....I changed poopy pads and diapers, sponge bathed the poop out of cracks and crevices, dumped and sanitized the bedside commode every morning first thing. I was lucky to go to the bathroom myself first. And I would do it again twice as much for one more week...........
The puppies are still just a twinkle in my eye, much less the sire's. We almost have a fence...they should finish up today with the last 2 gates. Had Kathy's dog here yesterday for some exercise. Dog ate all the leaves, twigs, and rabbit turds she could find. Even chased her ball. She needed some outside exercise badly. Been thinking about naming the puppies Pingo and Ditto now..........
Now that I can DO something about the pain in my cheek, I woke up this morning with my face planted in the mattress on that side and NO PAIN!! Isn't that how it always is? Still have a red neck (not redneck), so guess I will still throw money away today and try the dentist in a few minutes. (I took time out mid-post for a shower.)
Shawna, Stormy, Bee, Smiley, Tpeg, Brandy, Burned, Crystal, Starri, Emjo, Ladee, Jam, Rosella, ASG...god, I miss your stories, Maya, Cmag...back pain is worse than mouth pain, Vic....come on out of the corner and join the par-tay, and those I ddn't mention, please have a good day. To those reading and not posting....come on in, the water is fine, except in Tx where they don't have any....
Laughter is the best medicine and it doesn't cost a thing.....I'm even thinking of setting up a lemondae stand, except I would sell mom's leftover drugs........jk......I think. I had a dream once that I threw everything in the toilet and the septic tank blew up like Mount St. Helens.....kinda funny, and the smell was already permanently etched in my nose............I bet I was the only customer who could stand outside and carry on a conversation while the septic guys were pumping out the tank.......what smell???
OK, time to call the dentist.................later.............
Maybe if you wag your "tail" at Mike he will calm down...and besides he is giving you training for when the puppies arrive... Pingo and Ditto, love it......
Glad the fence is up so when I come there you can keep me in sight and KNow I am not out bothering the neighbors.....
Love ya Seeme Sue, more than you know....
gotta go make some money honey.... love and angels...
I'm up early also.....drinking coffee and fortifying myself for..drum roll here... Wal-Mart!
seeme......two? I grew an extra butt over the winter............it's been going away the last few months but now that it's winter again I have to watch that it doesn't grow back. Mike is barking, Target is whining.........geez, can't they be happy? Maybe we should let them cut in front of ladee at the lemonade stand? Pingo and Ditto....what a hoot!
And ladee.....you're not fooling anyone.....I know you would hide behind seeme's black fence with emjo's antlers on your head and jump out at the neighbors....uh huh.....ly
Speaking of nails.....I need to do the col's fingernails next time in to see her. Noticed they were getting a little ragged and her right hand looked suspicious...and I bet she's used those fingers to pick her teeth with.........
Vic.....no black holes allowed. I know it's tough and I so admire you for the job you are doing. I thought I had it rough with one.......plus with the holidays and the desire to vanish when bro gets there...before you know it the feeling is there and it just overwhelms. Maybe a day away will help to recharge you.....if not, there's always seeme's lemonade stand..........
emjo.....hope you are feeling better today. Do you get out in that cold minus weather? Brrrrrrrr......and I thought it got cold here. Hopefully this year I can keep Target upright on the deck......I didn't much like putting staples in his head without anesthetic to numb it.
ladee.......glad you're getting rain....we are also, but I bet you're warmer than 35! Has Marie gotten used to her new medicine? I have followed your "I go to Sonny's world" with the col and especially since she has been in the NH and I find that I so enjoy being around her again. Being in the trenches was becoming more of an ordeal and taking away from just being in her company. I noticed the other day when we took her to lunch, it didn't bother me in the least that she tanked on coffee, we took a bib so the food had a place to land....and instead of getting on to her about leaning over her plate, Target just sat there and visited with her. Later, he just shook his head and remarked on how much she has declined. I'm truly glad we placed her when we did, because this has been good for her in more ways than one. Especially the part where she doesn't sit in front of her tv all day, she is out mingling, taking in the entertainment and games, and visiting with others.
I'm starting to babble now and I'm not getting out of WM, so off to the shower I go.
Happy trails today to all of you....................I wish you inner peace and happiness!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Go to the dentist at 2...soreness in cheek did come back. The fence guys showed up and it started raining........and hubby took the bike to work today....he will be mad.....can't stand to get the Harley wet. Got the wrong size gate for the fence, so will be back later.......
Glasses are in and ready.....gonna write some checks today!!! Hope nobody drops one..............
Vic......black hole, huh? Tell ya what....I'll throw one end of the lights down there, you grab hold, and when you get to the top, I'll smack you in the head and yell "HEAL".........if you don't fall back down, you are good to go.......jk........in all seriousness, you are my hero for all that you do. I did the hygiene thing with mom every morning and wheeled her everywhere, you know, you've been here since the beginning. Damn, you are exhausted........I just wish I could send you some of my naps, a hoist for dad......some elves.........
I forgot to hit submit and I finished this a long time ago.........guess I really did put too much blonde in my hair last time it was dyed........
Vic, you are going to get away for a little while, I know you are past exhaustion, and I love and respect you so much for what you do.... Yes, the toenails are a problem, but just part of the job..... I have started cutting both Maries and Sonny's nails, and have to watch Sonny about keeping his hands clean... he is a tad OCD, so always have to be around when he washes his hands as he will rub the skin off getting them dry.......
Wanted ya'll to know that Marie said she couldn't wait for me to get there this morning, that me flipping the mattress really has helped her hip and she hadn't taken any pain pills in two days...... I about fell over.....I am still getting used to this new and improved Marie, but was happy to hear she was feeling better.... and then a little later she was coughing and I went to check on her, sometimes it makes her throw up, so wanted to make sure she was alright.... she said that cough med the Dr. had given her wasn't working, and just in passing I told her I use straight squeezed lemon juice... not thinking for one moment she would try it.... she asked if we had any lemons, I fixed it for her, and she didn't cough any more today...... and she asked me to pick up some lemons to bring in tomorrow...... and the really cool thing about all this, is I don't have that feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop"....... we are over the rough spot, so onward thru the fog......
And yes Seeme, I have noticed a difference in you since your last trip to the beauty shop..... you've been saying, "like" and "ya know" a lot, now I know why.... love ya....
Jam, glad to hear the meal was peaceful... when people learn to just lighten the hell up sometimes and let our elders be who they are, where ever they are in thier world, it is better for everyone......that is not to say the poop, the repetitive questions, our aching backs, ect are any easier to take.... it's just that there are many moments to enjoy also, it doesn't have to be all work....
The night I posted about Ruth having the banana and the table knifes in her pants will go down in history as one of the days I was at the end of my rope.... but when I saw all that, well, laughter was the only thing left to do..... and to share it.....
emjo, hope you are feeling better today, stormy are you over the bday party yet, how is it going Shawna, how did the thing go, did you sell anything????/
Everyone else, hugs, I am going to do a "Seeme" and take a nap..... been up since 4 this morning.... hugs and angels.....
Maybe I am just tired!
Hugs to everyone and praying for everyone here.
Took drugs...calmer now
Jane........Dad sounds exactly like the myriad others afflicted with dementia.....and it's common for the elderly to become hydrophobic. No one has ever been able to tell me why, it just happens. My mil fibbed and told us she was bathing but the stench gave her away.......I finally had to take matters into my own hands and into the tub she went and when she came out that was a very shiney hiney she wore!!! And that was the end of her bathing herself. I'm not surprised they are talking to Dad about knee surgery.......in my former life as a medic it was not unusual to see 98 year old's being given pacemakers. If the insurance will pay for it, the doctors will do it. That's how they make their money. Lucky you.....getting a break for a week! Are your kids okay with taking care of Grandpa? If so, then go, have a good time and rest assured that he will be taken care of. And who knows, maybe he will get a bath while you are gone. Take that guilt and put it in a jar and hide it while you are gone, then deal with it when you get home. Glad to see you here and you're welcome to come and vent anytime you need to....we'll leave the light on.
Happy trails,
Jam
Gisèle I am so sorry for your husband and you and I confess you I am also frightened because I am 54. And in my aunt, too, Alzheimer started quite soon.
Jane, I agree your dad shows some of the symptoms of Alz/dementia and as I always say, "Alzheimer has his reason that the reason doesn't understand". They live in their world, with different rules. It's a change of perspectives. They change their personality... When I scold my mother because she uses all her energy to pull her trousers up, when I have to put a diaper on her, instead of clinging to something (the washing machine for example) not to lose her balancement, so I have (with only two hands) prevent her from pulling her trousers up, putting the diaper and keeping her so that she doesn't fall, all in the same time, I understand that even if her behavior is completely irrational, it is very important for her not to show me her buttocks, it's more important than the risk of falling on the floor. I tried to explain it to her 1000 times but it is useless! I am sorry to say that the only thing that works is screaming "Mom! Cling to the washing machine!" She is offended, but she does it.
seeme -u r in rare form
ladee and jam, ditto
and ros I think u are pretty amazing too
hi sdpeg, mis, bee, tpeg,cmag, stormy, maya, asg and everyone else
tired tonight - was on the go most of the day, no moose, but lots of shopping (chocs on sale so got some for christmas and groceries) and a buckwheat banana cake made. Going to take advantage of the warmer (just below freezing) weather to get out and about for the next few days. Cold just about gone -now to see if I get much side effect from the Diflucan again - a little spacey right now but since I am taking it at bedtime it doesn't make much difference
connected with mother's lawyer about the POA - she said to talk to mother about another back up - Oh well.
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Ro, I was only speaking from my heart... I love ya and wish you were not a continent away, but love travels anywhere......hang in there, you are not alone....
And if you get Alz, I'll come and take care of you, how does that sound????
Sonny had one of his worst days yet yesterday, but will be looking for signs of UTI.... they are going to grandsons for Thanksgiving, he is going to be out of his element and routine..... he will be a mess when they get back home... but I am getting a long weekend... good thing I have been putting money back, two days without pay would have really put me in a bind..
Well have to be at work early , Marie goes to the Dr. today..... so will get going... love and hugs to all.... and newbies, come back and visit..... we get a little crazy sometimes but it sure helps to make our life better...
Emjo.....thanks for saying I am in rare form. It HAS been rare lately, but I hope to be getting some of my form back......for today, anyway. One day at a time..........
Yesterday one of my sisters called to say she had finally checked out Jefferson Barracks National Cemetary to see about getting my mom and dad's ashes laid to rest. She was moved by the explanation of the ceremony with Navy honor guard, folding of the flag, engraved headstone, all paid for by dad's service. We both boo-hooed on the phone. We will have the ceremony in May next year to give ample time for other sibs to plan for the travel to MO. This is where I had to laugh, which is the best medicine there is to get us through life. I told her to put in writing that we will not be held responsible if, after they put mom and dad side by side, there is an earthquake, landslide, or other natural.....or maybe I should say SUPERnatural disaster........HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mom and I loved to laugh, even through all the poop and smell and baths she didn't like, and 3 AM breakfasts. As tired as I was, I tried to make things funny to help dispell the anger, snappy mouth, screaming.....I think we both did all that at the same time. I would threaten to take a tater brush to her backside, pull raddishes out her navel.....and when she screamed out she hated me, I'd tell her I hadn't heard that since my wedding night...........whatever it took to laugh..........
Ladee......I hope they listen to you about Sonny, especially if you suspect a UTI.
I have a sinus infection and am now on penicillin, so yea to no abcess. I will now get to work in the house..............many plans......so little ambition.......later.......
Jam still isn't saying how many extra staples she used on Target's head...........