The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Emijo. Oh honey. That is so sad. I can't imagine being in those shoes with your son. Since my youngest was born, I get parnoid everytime I hear statistics that claim 1outta 5 children this or that. You did a very selfless thing. What a hard descision, never feel guilt over that, I have seen children/young adults in rehab hospitals who were vegtables, parents begging for the hospital to do somthing, some had been in that shape for years, having one illness after the other. They couldn't be rehabilitated. Many of those parents also saying "we shoulda let him/her go" cause they can't go back and change things now, just because they saw for themselfs what the Dr. Told them was right. One lady who had a boy who had a bike accident, said I thought, the Dr. Was wrong, I had this idea he would wake up, and we would walk outta here in a few days. Then, after many weeks, no recovery, I wanted to just let him go of his suffering, but it was to late.

I'm up late this eve. Aunt not feeling well. I think she might have a little virus bug or somthing. She had a fall, was a little confused. Wanted to go to bed early. I'm scared to death she will fall and break somthing, so I'm trying to stay awake for a while. Gonna sleep close to her room. She has done ok so far going to the bathroom, I've gone in a couple times to watch her, to make sure she can do it ok. Seems like she did this a year ago. Got sick, I was shopping around for an inexpensive baby monitor, she could barly walk. Just like the snap of a finger she was back to her self that afternoon. Small sickness messes with them so bad. Hope everyone hass a good night. I'm gonna try to get back into the swing of things.

Note to self: if an 800 number calls you at 5:00 a.m. it is NOT a telemarketer or Bill collector!! Its prob Life Alert. Do not..I repeat, Do not hang up on them. Guess I will get the hang of that someday:) I did quickly come to and realize telemarketers don't call that early. Auntie fell again, and now agrees to go to hospital. But wants to wait to call her doctor first?!?! One step forward I guess. I hope they find what's wrong. I feel so bad for her.

OH wow ... yeah, some calls come at all hours but those are the most frightening. Auntie is in my prayers this morning. SDPeg

ASG. let us know how Auntie is...Hate that your day got started with a scaire but hope she is ok...prayers....
Back to work for me today... really enjoyed my time off... got a lot done and rested a lot too so no complaints.
Hope everyone has a good day, Vic, where are you?? Hope your time away was fun and relaxing.... prayers and angels to everyone....

Thanks to everyone who commented.
Yesterday my grandmother did not "surface" even once while I was there. By late evening her breathing had become so shallow and infrequent that I was 95% sure she would be gone by morning. But no call yet and I am not about to make one.

Instead I will shower and head over to the hospice wing now. Inexcusably late start but I am wasted from over a week of extreme stress and sleep dep. Will have time for details later.

Callme- My hat is off to you honey. 8 years is a long, long time to take care of someone. I don't know how you have done it. Prayers for you and for your grandmother. Hugs stormy.
Asg- I hope your aunt feels better soon. And i hope you get some rest with no more early morning calls... Hugs stormy

I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. Resentful that my siblings can't/won't help. My back is aching from trying to take care of my mother and a 50+ year old house that she refuses to leave, that's falling down around my ears. Lonely - seems I have lost contact with friends my age. Envious, that those same friends are free to take long vacations and spa days. Thankful, too - thankful that I do have a good relationship with my mom, that at 88 she still has her mental faculties (no Alzheimer's yet, thank God), and that she is still able to enjoy life a little. I try to see this as a test of my character, a way of building strength in me. When I'm not too tired/irritable/exhausted, I try to see this time of care giving as a gift. And then there are days when I'm ready to yell "God, take the gift back and give me some cash instead!" :)

Well, dad goes for his ct scan tomorrow morning. Sis asked me last night "Why" is he having a ct scan done. I told her i don't know. I know what she was getting at, she is wondering since the lung dr told us 2 weeks ago that it looked like dad didn't have any malignancy then why would he be wanting us to get a ct done. She said didn't he just have one of those done recently. I looked back on the calendar and his last one was the end of july. So maybe we will hear something the end of the week. Hugs stormyyyy

Barbs- i know what you mean. It is coming up on the end of yet another year. And just wondering if next november if i am going to be saying the same thing again. How long will my life be like this. When will it ever end? Hugs stormyyyyyy.

Barbsvineyard, if your mother doesn't have Alzheimer at 88, I think you have dodged the bullet...

Good Evening Posse!

stormy.........COW PATTIE!

Welcome to our new poster.....Barb, glad to see you here and will try to get caught up with you.

I have spent the better part of the day trying to find out if and when the col was getting released. They finally called after 3 and I had given up and was already on my way to pick her up whether they were done with their paperwork or not! She is back in the NH....she thought she was coming "home"........there is no way she could be home. Her mind is virtually nonexistent and she is pitifully incompetent using the walker.....which she has dubbed her stroller....:) Of course right now she is still sore from her fall. Her doctor has ordered more PT, she is still on the antibiotics and the "good stuff" for her cough. She wanted to go straight to the dining room for dinner after I changed her ears.....so I guess she wasn't feeling too tired.

Friday is "D" day.......dentist.....not looking forward to this at all.

Hope everyone had a good day.....will check back later.

Happy Trails,
Jam

We have a uti. Well I don't she does. That explains it:) she was already on antibiotics but I guess they were not touching it. So in a few days she should be good as new. They are keeping her to run more test. She has a room mate a little old lady who is 90, she keeps rolling her eyes at me saying do you believe she is 90?!?! Oh Lord I hope I don't live that long. She is so giddy laughing when she says it its almost funny. Jam I'm glad col is better. Somthing about the changing of the seasons huh?

Evening everyone.... day started out with me walking in the door and Sonny is on the couch, pale as can be... Marie said when he went to get her paper, he came back in and said he was so weak he could hardly walk.... took his pulse, 58 and irregular... told Marie we might need to take him to the Dr... when her HH RN came to take her blood I asked him to take his BP...been too long ago, but I remember the top number was only 70, again, I tell Marie, we need to go ahead and make him a Dr's appt.... she asked me if I thought she should call her daughter, yes, give her a heads up... she did none of the above... first time I have been pissed at Marie in awhile.... I hate being the "off the street" caregiver that no one listens too... If I had alphabet soup behind my name, she might trust me more, but she couldn't afford me....!!!!!!
He was very pale and weak.... as the day progressed he felt better, and he was more lucid... at one point when I went to check on him, had him lieing down in bed, he looked up at me and said, "guess I need to quit drinking".. I busted out laughing.. that is one of our jokes, the little sweety doesn't drink.. but when he does something irratic, I'll ask him if he's been drinking again....So for him to remember that this morning was good...
Hope Marie let her daughter know something, if not I am calling her myself tomorrow while Marie is at the Dr....
He ate good today, and was finally getting some color back in his face, but was still wobbly...I love that little man.. couldn't bear for somthing bad to be wrong..I know Marie was worried, but with this being flu season, just making him an appt. would have been a prevenitive thing to do..... oh well, I know how to dial 911....
Hope everyone is doing ok.. seems like a lot of sickness for our elders right now... Callme, please let us know what is going on with your grandmother... I know this it tough... Did the same with Ruth, just sat there and watched her breath...
ASG, those nasty UTI's, doesn't take long for one to do it's damage does it... enjoy your night without worry...glad they are keeping her overnight, just in case
Jam, don't envy you going to the dentist, I need to bad, but have to save money first... sorry the col has slipped so far back, but you never know, she may bounce back and surprise you....
Seeme, love you and am hoping the holiday did not take too much out of you... just know that I love ya, and you are always in my prayers.. holidays are tough, in the best of circumstances. hugs and angels to you .
Will check in later... love and hugs.

Hey gang I am so very sorry I haven't been on the site lately. It was for a good reason my sister Jeanne came down for the week so most of the time I spent with her. We talked reminisced and looked at pictures. Mom was great the whole week only doing the whole calling for me a few times during the week which was a god send and she had a ball on Thanksgiving. My sister's friends came over for the day and we had a great time talking and eating. Thanksgiving came off without a hitch which was great. My sister and I worked together as a team and got everything done though it was hard with mom beckoning me every five minutes. Finally we just had enough put her in her wheelchair and had her come out with us till she got too tired to stay up. Though I have to tell you I didn't realize how lonely I really was till my sister had to go home on Saturday. She brought her little poodle dog Romeo with her and mom very much enjoyed that. My sis kind of knows what I am going through though it was her husband. She lost Lloyd in 91 to cancer. He was a stubborn man and tried to push her away but she is a tough lady just like our mom. Told him right to his face he could pull all the crap he wanted she wasn't going anywhere. So she understands the stress I am under so much. She also helped me with the house did the dishes and what not. Yet without criticizing me ONCE. Got to love her so much. Really miss her cried when she left. I know its stupid as I talk to her every day.
Jam I am sorry to hear that the col is sick but glad to hear she is doing better. I know you must have been having some bad memories come up with it being this time of year and losing your mom. I am here if you need me.
Ladeeda glad you are getting some more rain its gonna be a GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN Christmas for ya lol. Not me I want my white Christmas. When there is no snow here they call it a black Christmas (which means a lot of ppl get sick) Hope you got some rest on your vacation. I love the new name of the Banana split ha ha ..so did my sis when I told her.
Welcome to the newbies we are a family here... we rely on each other we beotch we moan we complain and vent because we so can't do it in our daily lives otherwise we are in trouble.
Barb honey … my mom is 83 I know the feeling of resentment when it comes to siblings.
Callmeishmal Honey you did the best you could do. Eight years is a long time. She is now where she can be taking care of till she leaves this mortal coil. You did everything right don't doubt yourself and don't let that Guilt get to you.
Seem honey I was thinking of you this holiday. Remembering how it was the first time without daddy. Its so not easy during the holidays when you just lost someone. Huggs from NY to you. Love ya sweetie.
Stormy so glad you got a break and had some company over. Though you got tired from it. It was good to have someone face to face to talk about something in common.
They have their lives their grandkids got jobs got married and all that. I am 34 years old. I went to college (had to drop out) I did traveling for a bit when my mom was staying with my sis and when mom was not as bad as she is now. I should be grateful I got to do what I did for as long as I did but sometimes there are days I want to scream. I don't have any friends around here... I don't go out (unless we go to my sisters) I finally enjoyed myself this week cause sister came down and I had someone to talk to and visit with. We drank rum and cokes and just relaxed when mom went to bed. Sometimes you think when is it MY time when am I gonna be able to just be concerned about ME but I wouldn't give up taking care of mom for the world. Its just very frustrating and lonely and hair pulling tedius … sigh sorry I went on a rant there.
Holidays are coming way too fast I have been working on my artwork and my business. Had to file my state tax return for this quarter owe 34 bucks and something to the state. YAY NOT. Have to pay bills the end of this week and might go to sisters this weekend not sure we will see. One new design is up on the site and I got my catalog done. If you want to check it out http://lilacorn.net/mysticglen/mysticglendesignscatalog.pdf you can download it. The workshop wasn't so great I sold ONE licensee plate and I did have some people looking and were interested and said they would contact me but as of yet nothing. Oh well.
On the bright side and bad side when we are talking about families. One is my idiot brother called because my low life scum nephew told him that his mother misses him and wants him to call. (mom all she said was she never hears from him.so she wouldn't know anything about him) Not that she wanted him to call. Well he called and said we weren't home not sure why we didn't hear the phone didn't want us to know his home phone. (whatever hello Caller ID) I called got beotched out by his wife and he called later to tell me NOT to call his home phone. That he would get a hodl of his this weekend (yeah right he did not call once whatever)
The good side is we got a call Saturday. My aunt Kate who is my dad's sister and my moms sister in law twice over. My mom married her brother and she married my moms brother. Anyway we haven't talked to her since daddy passed away. she said she didn't have any family up here after that anyway she was thinking about the family and wanted to talk to us. Didn't have any of our numbers but sister Kathy's. So she called Kathy who called us and now mom is back talking to her sister in law and hopefully they will be up herei n the spring. Also got to talk to cousin who was one of my sister Jeannes best friends growing u p. So a lot of us were crying. But the best thing is mom is now talking to her and we will keep each updated. Mom was fine through the call. It was my sis Jeanne and I that were crying. But its good that we are all talking again. Life's too short sometimes for bull and Aunt Kate is a year older than mom. Found out two of our cousins weren't doing so great because they got hit by Tractor trailers in virginia. But it was great to hear from them. Anyway sorry to anyone I missed and sorry its so long.

Whoo-hoo i got the cow pattie!!!! First time for me. And i didn't even know it. Boy, the things we get happy about these days. It's quiet scary.... Hugs stormy

Talked to sis tonight and she said that dad said he felt the worst he has felt in a long time. He seemed like he felt fine with me today. But sis did say that he felt like he was getting a cold. That doesn't surprise me. Connor, me and mary all have been sick with the cold in the last week and we all have been around dad. I've still got mine. Still hacking and coughing with mine. Can't get rid of this damn chest congestion. So i'm sure he caught it from one of us three. Plus this crazy weather we been having around here too doesn't help matters. Well, ya'll have a good nite. Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyyy

feeling stressed out with the Holidays coming. with my Dad moving in here, all utilities have gone up and so have groceries. yeh he gets SSI but my Mother still lives at thier house, and has to use it to pay thier household bills, but she is unable to care for my dad, her health is also poor, my daughter stays there to help. So how do I have Christmas with no money? We need cheering up here. We need a little Christmas. I heard somehow you can get the government to PAY you, to take care of a family member, anyone ever heard of that? so..how do I feel??? well usually I am full of Holiday Cheer, but This Year..I am very Christmas Glum! and I don't like that! I've always been a happy person, everyone sees a change in me and knows, this is not..Sherrie. SIGH.

Well folks, my caregiving years are now over. Grandma passed this evening in the hospice wing of our local hospital.

I'm totally exhausted. I've been driving back and forth 4 or 5 times a day. It's only about 12 minutes from home, so I would go there intending 4 hours, decide after 2 that I need a break, go home for a short time, feel guilty, and then rinse and repeat.

If there were other family members involved, then we could do whole shifts. But with just me, it's very tough.

Anyway, I'd like to respond to some of comments that were made, but 1:30 am is not the right time. Especially following all that. Tommorow is more like it.

Meanwhile, can you believe 8 1/2 years of servitude without even so much as 1/4 day free for myself the whole time? How did that happen? How can my sister - only 25 minutes away - live with herself after contributing absolutely nothing?

(((((hugs))))) Ishmael, my condolences - may your grandma rest in peace, and you have a good night's sleep knowing you have accomplished what you set out to do.The cost is, I think, always higher than we count. As to your sister - I truly have no idea how some sibs can behave as they do.You wonder if they have a heart.

Take care and come back and let is know how you are. Grief is not an easy road either.
all the best
jo

CMI, my heart is hurting for you this morning..... The grief won't be easy either, hope you return and let us know how you are doing... power in numbers. hugs and prayers to you...

Sherrie, hope you return and share your feelings... it feels good to know others understand how we feel, makes this journey less lonely..and we do understand how you feel.. hugs.

Ishmael: I am sorry for your loss. The questions that you pose are ones that many of us have been asking for many years and those following us in this "profession" will ask as well. Those that care for us may ask those questions of others and have no answers.
I tried to have a conversation with my sister today about our mom's cognitive decline and sister decides "it's a game she is playing" and I had to finally tell her "no it is not, her brain is going" and short of getting into the physiology of it, I repeated over and over that our Grandmother (mom's mom) experienced this as well. I told her it is too much for me, one person (which is what Ishmael was saying as we all have said) and others have to step up. Well the others I meant was family members and that isn't going to happen. At least sister gave me info regarding mom's health insurance and asap I am going to contact the doctor in order to get more help.
Sister doesn't want to acknowledge that mom won't take a bath ("she did when I was there last year for the funeral" was her response), eat a meal ("she likes people to sit with her when she eats") and can't trim her own toe nails ("can't she get a pedicure while she gets her hair done?"). So I finally had to keep sister on track that this is "real" and mom is no longer capable of caring for herself and I am only one person and can't do it all.
We all know the responsibilities that caregiving entails and without this comraderie in this group I would go insane. Even if I stayed home and didn't further my education just quit school and care for my mom full time we all know it IS too much for one person.
I finally gave in and told my sister that mom didn't even know who she was when she was visiting just like our Grandmother didn't know if my mom was when she would visit years ago.
I know many of you are nodding, yep, Peg, you are experiencing what I am experiencing. The total 100%+ chores that accompany caregiving ARE too much for one person. Yep, it's too bad siblings can't accept reality.
I have gained a lot of info and felt a lot of compassion from this group and I am appreciative. I hope we all find that few minutes, an hour, a day, a week etc break that we need.
I understand when Ishmael says he had only 1/4 day to himself all these years. I am trying to set boundaries in order to have those breaks so as not to lose myself in caregiving. I do my best, which we all do, and I thrive on the encouraging words you all post. Our lives are parallel in that we are experiencing similar things and we add our personalities to these experiences as well.
If only these siblings would trade places with us for one month. They say it takes 21 days to change a habit ... 21 days in my shoes would definite change their habit of being judgmental, ignorant of the truth, not visiting etc. We can only dream.
Sister was telling me she and her husband are looking for place to retire in a couple of years. They are currently in MT and looking as far as VA. Too bad they wouldn't consider CA temporarily and use their retirement years helping out but it's their lives and when it is all said and done, when they meet their Maker, they have to account for what they did and did not do. I won't judge them as they haven't had to care for Mom and they have their own lives.
My Dad had a dialogue with me one day about my siblings: "they are happy in their own worlds, you have more to do Peg." and the conversation went on with words of encouragement of the potential I have and the stagnant lives they have. Those words echo in my mind and heart and keep me going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny.
Speaking of going and going ... I have written quite a bit. Thanks for reading. I needed my friends tonight/this morning. This writing is good therapy.
I wish you all a healthy day, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I sent you my hugs and deep gratitude for allowing me a safe haven in which to share my thoughts. SDPeg

Ladee, I am sorry for Sonny... I hope he feels better now. You have absolutely to find a way to call the doctor if he is not well, independently from what Marie thinks... I understand you are in a hell of a situation.
CallmeIshmael: Sorry for your loss... Try to rest a little bit and try not to think about anything, right now.... I guess your life will be very different from now on. You need time to reorganize!
Hi Peg! Those siblings we have, they have no clue... I have stopped getting angry about it. It's no use!
Jam, I shall have a tooth extraction in 2 weeks- I am not looking forward to it.
Hi Shawna! Hi Stormy! Forgive me if I forgot someone. I am sleepy.
Have a nice evening

Thanks Ro, he is doing much better today, not dizzy, but easily confused, after shower, getting dressed , and kept putting his socks on his hands.... couldn't figure out what to eat with... TIA or UTI, either way will keep and eye on him, and don't worry, I would call the daughter if she didn't agree and it was a real emegency.... thanks for the support, love ya...

Good Evening Posse!

Trying to get caught up on everyone's posts.

CMI.......so sorry to read that Grandma has passed. Angels and hugs are sent to you. I hope you will be able to take some time soon for you and start to heal from your care giving life.

I had a whole lonnnnnngggggg post written and it got taken from me again, so I will try and duplicate it later, right now my mind is too tired from the first version. I hope everyone has had a good day and I will check back with y'all later.

Happy Trails,
Jam

CMI sorry for your loss. Like Jam said you need to take some time to yourself now.

Shawna good to hear from you and that you had a good holiday.

Well the rain finally turned to snow. First one of the season. Yipee!!!

emjo and I are going out and making snow angels...lol
Any one else want to join us? Shawna, ladeeda, Jam, seemeride, ro, stormy, sdpeg, cmag, and any one else I forgot?

Grandma's mind is getting worse. Last night she had to ask on how to turn on her bathroom light on. There's some nights that she'll tell us that she doesn't know where her bed is or where the bathroom is. When she looks for Daisy she know exactly where the basement is. I just don't understand it.

I've caught a cold with sore throat and running nose along with the cough. I feel terrible.

Smiley, sorry you feel so lousy... I hate getting a cold, but you are asking if I want to come play in the snow, UH, NO THANK YOU... that's why I live in Central Texas.....How about you take a pic of you making a snow angel and post it on FB and we'll just tell everyone it is me... how's that sound????
When I lived in Williams, Arz. I loved the snow, but I didn't have to get out and go to work and drive in it. That's the part that freaks me out, no, staying cooped up for days would drive me insane....
And liked what Shawna said that we were going to have a GREEN Christmas... and we are... have been getting enough rain that everything is all pretty and green...That's a Christmas color isn't it.... ok then....
hugs to everyone this evening..
CMI, hope we hear from you tonight... we are all thinking about you....

ladeeda that sounds good but it'll have to wait until I get over this cold first before I go out and make some snow angels.

get some rest if you can, stay warm, vit C, soup, and warm socks....