This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I need a vacation, just like everyone else on this thread..
I'll be ok, hugs to everyone and thanks for your concern.... hugs and angels...
I am concerned about the thyroid as i had it for years and they didn't pick it up as i am borderine by their standards. By my body full blown. Finally I looked up all the symptoms and had 19 out of 20 of hypo at that point (am sure i was hyper earlier as I lost weight and had palpitations and couldn't sleep for the better part of a year) - anyway my doc said i wasn't hypo and I told hm i was, i needed meds and he was going to give them to me - and he did and was surprised how much I needed and things have been a lot better since though i need to check it regularly . I had palpitations with hypo too and couldn't sleep . If I hadn't known, they would not have treated me and i might be dead by now. My mother's mother died around my age and I think she had untreated thyroid by all accounts. It runs in families.
(((((((((hugs))))))
concerned for you - lady!!!!
Welcome newbies... Love and hugs stormyyyy...
Missed boo koodle posts I see.... Hope and pray everyone is best as can be. Talk to you all later.
Feel much better today... slept very good. It is raining here today so know it will be a restful day... I have had tachycardia before , three times over the past 10 years, it is always stress related, but will get my doc to look into the thyroid... to tell ya'll how I never relax, as the RN was trying to get the line started in my arm, he kept telling me to relax my arm... I have been to this ER for another tachycardia episode and my brokent leg, so I knew the RN... he is a riot, gets you laughing, my kind of humor... anyway, after he got the line started he said, ok now you can wave your arm around, I did and flipped him the bird, he started laughing and asked the Dr. if he had to treat patients that flipped him off??? So ladee will be ladee under any circumstances....
But do feel better and that's good... will get my prescription filled and hopefully this new med will keep it under control...
will get caught up and get back with ya'll in awhile...hugs and angels...
Hello to all my sister and brother friends........................
Will see how much I can write while I still make some sense....lol. Each day of healing is one step closer to feeling better. Did a saltwater rinse earlier and it felt so good....isn't it amazing how the little things mean so much?
Welcome to our new posters.........
marianne.....I always thought it was interesting that people would want to know how my mil was getting along, but never asked me how I was holding up. Without us there wouldn't be all this care going on! And it doesn't matter if it's in the home or not. Since I wrote the initial post of this thread we have had to place my mil in a NH. Best thing we could have done. It was getting to the point where physically I couldn't lift her and she couldn't get herself up. We bought several different devices to help make life easier for her but she couldn't mentally grasp the concept of them...cane, walker, lift chair. So after a fall, we decided to place her. Nursing homes, by whatever name they want to call themselves, exist for a reason........I have always thought of them as a "holding area"......and as long as a loved one is in one, yes they will probably die there. In the end, I don't think they know where they are........I have always felt that God places them in "limbo" to ease their passage. I wish there was a way to snap my fingers and you would no longer feel guilt. That's a word that I think has no place in the world of care giving. It's okay to take the steps you have taken, does the guilt come from having a life, wanting to enjoy your family? So many think they "owe" their parents....really? I would like to think that my parents didn't bring me into this world solely to be their care giver in their old age. I took care of the col (crazy old lady) for 2 years and the anger and resentment and frustration grew daily because of her limitations, and my physical limitations; my husband/her son and I lived like hermits. If we wanted to go out to eat we packed her up and took her with us only to listen to a running diatribe of "that looks like a fun place to shop" "oh, look at that store, I wonder what they have"....now that she is in a NH, I find that I enjoy her company again. I can sit and visit with her without having to change a dirty diaper, or have her argue about wanting to go out and shop, which she couldn't do. And we can have a life knowing that she is being taken care of. I have the best of both worlds now and I don't have room for any kind of guilt. Come and visit with us and let us know how things are......
We'll leave the light on for all................................
I've about pushed myself past my limit for today, so a nap is in order and I will check back later.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Hello to all my sister and brother friends........................
"Guilt" came to visit me during the night but I escorted "guilt" out of my mind and went back to sleep. Yesterday I forgot to lay out mom's breakfast with her pills. Although her meds are important they are not for serious health issues. She takes only 2 rx'ed meds and the rest are vitamins. I also know that one day of not taking these is not a major event. I left for the day to take my car in and to study with a friend. I arranged for caregiver to take mom to church and dinner in my absence. Caregiver called saying mom is not answering the door, phone, banging on windows etc. I happened to be a block away and went into the house and mom was lounging. I told her caregiver was here, let's go, and she told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go. After studying all day I laid down as well. When she came in to talk to me about my car she didn't have her hearing aids in and I just could not muster enough energy to yell my answers to her. She said she would be right back to hear me after putting aids in. She returned an hour later, I was asleep and she said "good night" and I guess went to bed because I know I went back to sleep. "Guilt" visited accusing me of thinking only of myself, how did I leave without laying out breakfast, did I enjoy my lunch in between studying while mom sat her all day without eating? You know I could add more. I told "guilt" to go away as I do the best I can and if one day I forget or have to rush off or enjoy a lunch with a friend while mom doesn't eat, that's ok. You see, even if you put a plate of food in front of my mom, she will eat very little. Although she has always been a light eater, and perhaps she has had an eating disorder her whole life, I cannot change what she does. A small plateful of food goes into the trash or disposal while I am not looking. Ensure gets poured down the drain if I turn my back for a minute. Or I find Ensure bottles in cabinets or the freezer. Don't get me wrong, just because she doesn't eat nor want to does not excuse me from not laying breakfast out. (I used to lay lunch out but she wouldn't eat it during the day so I don't anymore.) I just forgot with everything else on my mind and when "guilt" visited it did take a while to escort "guilt" out of my mind but I did. I didn't argue. I didn't get that sinking feeling in my heart. I just said: "it is what it is and I can't change it. I will have to be more mindful in the future." This morning she will eat breakfast, take a bath, and hopefully she will be in better spirits as we have tickets to go see my granddaughters in a play. The tickets weren't cheap (well for my budget) and therefore we are going. I have to drive her car (which I don't like driving because of negative comments she made years ago about my driving which were unfounded) and perhaps I will borrow it for one week of school. It is a big cadillac and I am hopeful I can find a parking space big enough at school that I can maneauver into. I am so used to my small car. But I can't miss this week nor the following week. I am certain the repairs to my car will be nothing as it is the transmission and that rebuilt one is still under warranty. I won't know until Monday. I cleared everything out of my car (I thought) but can't find my bluetooth. Oh well, one week of not talking while walking to classes will be ok. I have to focus on my studies anyway.
We talk alot about guilt and fear and all and I just want to say that any other time I would have gone deeper into the "guilt hole" but last night I didn't. I reminded myself I am human, I make mistakes, this is not detrimental to her health (one day for her health without meds won't make that much of a difference; someone with greater health concerns it may have and others with huge health concerns it would have).
This morning I am having her put her hearing aids in before asking me anymore questions. My voice is sore from studying (asking questions, answering questions) and I just cannot keep repeating (you know what i mean).
The boundaries I set with my mom are ones that will enable she and I to move forward in order to enjoy a healthy relationship. If I don't set these boundaries on a daily basis sometimes our relationship will be one-sided and that's not what I want. I know some days she needs help with this and that and the memory does not cooperate. I also know, as my mom, that she has played the helpless role most of my life. My job is to determine if this "help me"/"poor me" person standing in front of me is the helpless mom of the past or the one in the present who really needs assistance. Some days I just can't tell. Other days I point her in the right direction and walk away and let her figure it out. My therapist said it is ok to allow her to struggle so that she does use her brain and it doesn't atrophy. I like that. The more I do, the less she has to do, and then THE MORE I DO. We all could learn a lesson in that.
Well onto breakfast and morning meds and a bath and we are out of here. We have two hours to do all this ...wish me luck!!!
SDPeg
marianne........I'm glad to have been able to help put a smile in your heart and lighten your burden a little. That's what we are here for. Stick around and visit with us...........we're a terrific bunch!
SDPeg...........good for you for sending guilt packing! We just don't have time for that. I swear, I thought there was only one of my mother, but it sounds like you have her twin.....lol. My parents divorced in 1973, and it was around that time my Dad told me that he always felt like he was raising 6 kids instead of us 5 siblings. My mom liked to be waited on and her last husband did just that....oh my the things I saw him go out of his way to do for her.....but he did love her. She was living in Michigan and had been there for approximately 15 yrs and he dropped over dead from the "widow maker". I was in Fla on vacation and my younger sister, bro and his wife went to Michigan, got in her face and told her she was coming home. If I had been there I would have insisted she stay right where she was. That was her life by then, not here. So they brought her back, moved her in with sis and all she did was bitch because Mom treated her like a baby and wouldn't take care of herself. So they moved her into a senior 4-plex and walked away. And guess who started taking care of her? Even though I lived 20 mi away and worked 24 hr shifts, I am the one who took over her care....GUILT.....I think that's where I learned to hate that word. She was very poor in handling her finances.....she could go to Walmart and spend $200 and have nothing to show for it. See an advertisement....it was on it's way. When she became ill and went into the hospital and we made arrangements to move her to a NH I found a motorized scooter she was making payments on, large and regular prints of the same hardback books, cookbooks and magazines out the whazoo!!!! I moved her into the same home the col is in now and even there she wanted to be waited on. I felt no guilt and there were days when I would go without seeing her. Sometimes you just have to do that. The same with your mom.....even though you live together, you have to set boundaries or you will drown. I bet she's fine after spending a day without being waited on, especially when whatever you put out for her goes to the trash. It sounds like she is capable of taking her meds all by herself. And yes, they do indeed need to be pushed sometimes to use that brain. Target will still push at the col to make her think......use it or lose it! I finally stopped talking to the col until she put her ears in...........why scream and make her think it's okay for her to not wear them? Stick to your plan.....you're doing a terrific job!
Hope the rest of this wagon train checks in today.....................hint hint hint
Happy Trails,
Jam
ASG, hope you are doing ok with Auntie,I know you are tender hearted and will not make her stay in the NH if she didn't want to be there... makes it hard on you, but that is who you are, nothing wrong with that..... she won't be here forever and the bottom line is we are all different and can only make choices and decisions based on our own history....Do you know if the PT tech was fired??? She damned well should have been.. or I'd have that girl at my house for PT with Auntie every single day... lord, what a freaky thing to happen, and lucky you ASG... that experiance got to be yours, do you feel specail???? sending hugs to you and the kids... you'll make it fun for the kids anyway... you are something else lady, wish I was as "sweet' as you.....and I really mean that...
Seeme , loved the 'rose' story.... and yes I can see mom laughing at the look on your face when you reallized it was a silk flower.... but what a sweety Mike is for even thinking to put the flower away for you.... hope you are ok as can be... you know I love ya...
More later, gonna get my junk ready for work tomorrow, this weekend wasn't near long enough.... hugs and angels
And isn't that something that the son she keeps on was the most worried... that speaks volumes to the way you are raising your kids Tina... I just give you lots of 'atta-girls' for doing such a great job with all you are doing.... seems that youngun understands something we all are missing.... from the eyes of a child... hmm, he has things to teach us.... hugs and prayers for you and Auntie, and I would figure out a way to give her the Ativan, put it in the sherbert... but make sure she gets it...... it will make your life a lot easier and she will be calmer.... love ya girl....
Thank you so much for helping me. I know we are all busy with our lives/worlds. Sometimes when we have info it is nice to share it. I do appreciate whatever you can help me with. SDPeg
Kisses everybody else. I have to finish an endless work (a 200 pages translations and it's not finished yet... It is not Anna Karenina, it's a simple movie!) See you tomorrow night
SDPeg
If your bro wants to be involved in medical stuff he can ask - I would leave that up to him - let sleeping dogs lie - I think what your sis says about being the one available makes sense and maybe you are on the POA so all is in order. Maybe once you have a lighter course load, a periodic assessment of your mum could be sent to bro and sis. That may help them face the realities of her decline. Can you use Excel? Set up a worksheet - or do it in a Word doc with various check points - jam or someone else could probably help you with those or look up a list on the internet - then monthly or whatever check off how she is doing. Once the sheet is set up it will be easy to check it off and then attach to an email. It may help with doctors visits too. -a record. For example if that was the first time your mum did not recognize a family member I think that should be on there - it seems to me to be a significant memory loss.
Anyway that's my 2 cents worth!.
My Mom was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer 2 months ago. Within a week, we had moved both my parents in with us (me, hubby, and 20 year old son) from 800 miles away where they lived with my sister. We did this for alot of reasons, including that I'm closer to good medical care. Now my Dad has been diagnosed with bladder cancer. So far, his is treatable and curable, but I am worried about the effects of treatment and that he won't be able to help as much with Mom.
I am so glad I found this site. Dealing with the cancers is bad enough, but my mother is mean, petty, and self-centered. This has been going on for years, but talking on the phone to her and the occational visit did not prepare me for having her live with me. I am in therapy and some days are a real struggle.
We had a good weekend with no yelling, only a few snide remarks from her, and an actual conversation or two, so I am happy for that. It has also helped to read that others face similar parents and survived.