This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It has acutally been cold here today, cold for us anyway.... going to freeze tonight, then again tomorrow night, then start warming up again... we usually don't get much cold, so it is very nice for a change... and we are still remembering our horrible hot summer.... so rain, and then cold.... if I see any moose I'll let you know emjo so you can tell G......
I appreciated the advice about the Hallmark website. That will be helpful to me in the future. I guess I just get irritated when I hire someone, that person gets paid for a job, and the job doesn't get down. That leaves more on MY plate and I am NOT superwoman. So in the future I know this person is not dependable and actually her last day in the 12th of this month and she won't be coming back. She is great in others things and has her talents but not the employee that I want for me or my mom. Sometimes hiring someone is respite care for me as well and not completing a task does not give me the break I need. So I set boundaries with this person. She can come next week while I am taking finals and that's it . That was the contract time anyway. The other caregiver will do anything I want, whenever I want so that's nice. However after I contact home health care nurses things will probably change and I am praying they change for the better.
I think I will order my cards through that website. Yeah, makes life easier for me!!! And that's what we talk about here. How are WE? Yesterday I was angry and frustrated and a kind soul referred me to a website that will make my life easier. So tonight I am thankful for that advice.
I figure it this way: if Mom does not have all her Christmas cards by Christmas, they go out late or not at all. That's not because I did or did not do anything to cause that; the caregiver did not do her job for whatever reason.
So my cell phone broke today. I have to laugh. My car is in the shop; that's the only # they have. I have finals next week and that's my contact with others. But tonight I have peace and quiet. Just what I need tonight.
I will google the problem that comes up ... and stop by a TMobil store tomorrow if they are open when I get out of class. I have to laugh ... I still have my internet ha ha. So I am not lost forever!!!
I was blessed this afternoon by a classmate. We did a peer review of a paper and she was so detailed in her scrutiny of my paper that it will be excellent when I am done with it because of her honest comments. They weren't mean or anything, just honest and her goal was to help me make this paper a bit more fine tuned. I was thinking that's what we do for one another. We all write differently, no two of us are alike, and we help one another to fine tune our days so they are more enjoyable. We are a strong community of individuals so unique and so diverse and so on the same page.
OK: I am done with being philosophical. Good night. I am going to work on that paper that my classmate helped me with. Thank you for helping me with my life struggles, for sharing my joy, for laughing and crying with me and being m friends.
SDPeg
I have right here reading about everyone and wishing I could help in some small way, but I have nothing humorous to say.
Hubby did tell me what I wanted for Christmas since I wouldn't tell him anything specific.......so he's getting me a power washer, generator, scroll saw and a band saw.......ain't I a lucky woman!!!! Meanwhile, I am buying dog toys for pets I don't even have yet!!! How pathetic......or is it OCD?? Especially when I can't wait to pick up doggie doo-doo.
Oh, Hubby has moose slippers, AND a moose hat, so he should be line for some antlers....he wears them on Christmas Eve. We have to show up at Kathy's party in Christmas PJ's, so antlers would complete the outfit.......
Rosella, I'm sorry you are working so hard, but I do prefer to hear you have some work. I worry more when you don't.......
Way past my bedtime and hubby just left for work, so until tomorrow............
Has a miseraqble day. My Mother has had bronchitis since before Thanksgiving. I have had her to the ER 3 times. No emergency juss ttrying to keep pneumonia away. Came heom late in the afternoon and demenist took over . She became so mean.
told me how selfish I am and I care about nobody but myself. It really hurts coming out of your Mother's mouth.
she got quiet and I discovered she had made amees on herdelf.
got that cleaned .
Thnaks for
then went o my work. Came home ate dinner and then discovered it again. Will and assisted living take her doing that. It is really disgusting. Please tell me how tto cope.
thanks,
Carol
Come back and visit and let us know how you're doing.
ros - the birch branches are for reindeer for the lawn I think -not to feed them - to build them though the mule deer may come out of the forest and munch on them
seeme - LMAO - you think I typed those - nah! copy and paste! sounds like you are getting some interesting presents
am silly tonight - got my hands on the moose heart and was showing Gary the valves - aaahhhhh memories - will get serious tomorrow
welcome newbies - we get a little foolish sometimes - laughter helps to relieve stress and Lord knows we all need that
love and hugs ♥♥♥ - prayers too
jo
Let's see funny...Shawna...boy of we lived in apt..cops would be coming daily! Ha! No hearing even with aids in ... Sorry bout your hand but that sounded funny! Poor hubby had to clean poo the other day...awwwww glad it wasn't me! I was lounging..heehee....
Seeme...I am OCD too....love the moose outfit sooooo what is yours? Moosette?? Miss ya girl
Emjo...antler...why is G not bringing them home??? He sounds like a Texan to me! Yeehaw! And ladee just put outhouse in front of neighbors place! They can do their thing there! Have the started playing Mexican Chritmas music yet!! You should be on first name basis with the cops by now...are they nice to you? They better be...I'll come down and tell them a thing or two..hahaha. Tel Marie. Ooo ops my bad! Was that your toothbrush?!!! Here let's peroxide it!!
Our poor charges....we gotta love 'em!
Dad has been sleeping more these past few days and night! Means I am getting some sleep...poor guy.. He wanted to go pee this morning at the toilet! Thought he could stand..then I handed him the urinal ...he said "guess I can't stand"
Back asleep now...
Love you all
Carol
Carol, I understood what you wrote, to. Sorry I was too tired to write last night. I hope you can cope with mom and the ER visits. And she is 97 !!! You must be doing something right!!! My mom told me she hated me one time when she was told to take a shower.....not that she DID anything as I had to wash and dress her. Told her I'd heard that before and kept on going.....I think I may have told her that once when I had to do the dishes........She always apologized later. As long as I knew I was doing necessary things, quietly and kindly, I could take what she dished out. I did try to lighten things up with humor. I was doing what I considered to be nasty jobs, to someone who was humiliated to have them done for her, so humor solved a lot of problems. She still felt like she was in her early 30's, but her body said no you AREN'T.
Everyone is getting some snow, except Ladee and me. We will have some of Carol's percipitation this afternoon, but it will be rain when it gets here.........
Vic, you sound really good today. Sleep does do wonders, doesn't it?? Hope you get a lot of it......... I don't really have an outfit per se for the Christmas Eve party. I have some bright red bottoms with white snowflakes on them. Kathy did say whe was sending the guys out on a scavenger hunt that night....we were thinking of a country ham for the winner. They did it once years ago and the guys had a ball......can you imagine seeing about 10 men from 21-65 running around the neighborhood in Christmas PJ's????? Can't wait..............may give little kids a nightmare of Santa Claus.....wah wah........
Hubby is sleeping after getting home this morning and so far I have been quiet.....course I haven't showered or dressed. Getting a weather related headache. Clouds are just flying past and temps could call for severe weather later. Just rambling, so I will check back later..........
lindy - sounds like u have a few suggestions. Patience is such a big factor. Know the doom feeling – lived with it since always – glad u had a better day – another dog sounds good!!! And fresh air always is – blows away the cobwebs and time away is GREAT!
ishmael – looking forward to the signs. Got quite a few since my son died and just before. Sorry your home is in foreclosure –come back when you can. I know this is not an easy time.
stormy – really nothing new is it? Frustrating!!! Hope you and hubby and lil red have some good time together this Christmas and glad bro is putting in some time
notlikemom – boy, cancer in 2 places both critical, is one a metastasis? Please don’t feel guilty – u r not alone is hoping the time is shorter rather than longer – easier for her too. Hard not to walk on eggshells when someone is touchy. Hope you have some breaks –u need them. Walking through a mine field –yeah – no fun. And not doing it right no matter what u do - no fun either. Know the can’t win situation demoralising for u and sometimes u just have to let it go at that – trying doesn’t seem to help and it can be exhausting and demoralising and the complaining gets u down (((((hugs)))) did u get any snow yet?
vic – glad u got some me time, are getting more sleep and will have more time at new years – wow bro had an epiphany!!!
sdpeg –sometimes we need to loosen up a bit about stuff like holidays, cards and presents. One year I was exhausted –working, still had kids at home –could not face wrapping one more present, so I got creative –the plastic grocery bags were red and white – I tossed stuff into them, tied a knot at the top, wrote names on them with a marker and threw them under the tree. I still remember the feeling of liberation, and ya know what - nobody minded. I found out years ago that the sky doesn’t fall in if the cards don’t get sent out on time or ever. Really doesn’t matter whose fault it is or not –think - in 5 years will this matter…
Jam –sounds like u r feeling better – it takes a while – tomato soup YaY!!! Sorry to hear the col has been failing -she as before she went into the NH. Sleep would be good. A three seater and electricity –pure luxury!
mis –hope the antibiotics are working – your deco’s are awesome! Grandma looks so cute as Santa
ros - you sure need some time off – you must be a strong woman to keep going like u do – prayers for a break for u
shawna –rick is a good guy for sure. Glad u r feeling better
ladee –no probs – want to hear the sonnyisms – let fly! And come to think about it G would not be in the sleigh – he would be riding one of the reindeer! Love outhouses - one in your yard is an idea - known many good ones…
brandy – sorry about your pain and the verbal abuse been there – having 2 people with dementia to look after seems like a bit too much to me. Is there any way you could work part time –sounds like they really appreciate you there. Sibs often seem to be hopeless –I have written mine off =I am sorry they give you no support (((((hugs))))) to you too
seeme (and jam) I will ask G about the young bull antlers – might be just about the right size – I will offer to help him clean the skull – this is not the nicest process. (antlers boiling on the stove – need to rework the chestnuts roasting on an open fire song) Maybe he can saw them off and glue them onto hat or something. Bright red bottoms with snowflakes -want a pic!!! And the guys running around in their pj’s must have been a hoot. Hope the headache isn’t too bad
carol – that meanness is so hard to deal with – sharp words I think vic called them. Good to stand up to them. Assisted living will deal with “stuff” Day care sounds good for both of you and a respite too. Let us know how it goes.
asg – aunty is up and down isn’t she? ‘Tis time for a cog test. Mother rips a strip off any doc that tries to do one and accuses them of elder abuse – so far all have caved to her
cmag – hope you are finally dry!
Everyone I have missed – take care and check in
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
My frustration was the lack of diligence in getting a task done. I guess I expect others to live by my standards and degree of wanting to excel. I am disappointed when others don't live up to my expectations especially when they say "sure I'd love to" and then they don't. It could have been anything ... cards, holidays, being on time ... you know: reliability is not ingrain in all people. That's my complaint. BUT on the flip side, I am sending the male caregiver out today to get some more cards and if he can't read my list (he admits he doesn't read English) he can use his charm on the ladies in the store to help out. He is dependable, reliable, attentive and I trust him to do exactly what I ask him to do (except once he bought me the wrong coffee ... ugh!!!).
SDPeg
I see several have posted last night and this morning........some good, some bad, some sad.....
Ro...so sorry to hear about Nino....he and Nicky were glad to see each other I'm sure. But glad you are able to work........
I just read an article posted here on Aging Care......10 Caregiver Confessions: Secrets We Aren’t Proud Of.......pretty good article.....should be required reading.
SDPeg.....glad you are going to try the website. And sorry you are having problems with the possible dereliction of duty of your care giver......maybe this person was only doing what was asked of them by your mother. Of course just having a hired care giver willing to do that is going above and beyond the normal job description.......we should all be so lucky. This time of year is stressful enough as it is, perhaps this person is dealing with their own personal dilemmas and it was just a simple oversight. Is this person negligent in their care of Mom? If so I can certainly understand your hesitation to have them retained and that would put the burden of more care back on you when you need time for your educational endeavors.
I remember how difficult some days were when I was still caring for the col. I would get so frustrated that I just wanted to sit down and cry......oh wait a minute I did! A very dear friend taught me a simple and humorous way to cope and after I started practicing that it amazed me how much easier it was to deal with the col's ramblings........mentally envision yourself putting your fingers in your ears and going lalalalalalalala......................I guarantee you will walk away with a lighter attitude. We, as family, are doing this job with our hearts.....someone we have hired and brought into our home may start out with their heads, but it won't be long until their heart is also involved, then it becomes such a difficult job sometimes because that is the person who becomes the pivot in your loved ones life. They probably know more in a few months about your loved one than we knew in a lifetime. When our care givers were still here, I made a point of telling them daily how valuable they were and how much I appreciated what they were doing......after all, they were granting me what I was whining for.....a chance to not be the care giver. And when their time here came to an end I realized that they both were now involved with their hearts as well as their heads.
Life is too short to sit around and lament "what should have been" and to let ourselves constantly be under the pressure and burden of care giving. If it's not working, then figure out an alternative........there are other answers. If you have other pursuits in your life, then do the loving thing and find a solution that will make you happy as well as make your loved one's final days happy. And that is not a failure in my book!
I'm climbing off my soapbox now and toward more pain meds........................
Happy Trails Amigos,
Jam
Life is fragile, people make mistakes, and nothing is permanent... nothing....
I will not be "allowed" to go to his funeral, family dynamics and a sister that had, and still has unreasonable expectations.... because I am not willing to fit into her mold of "should's and aughts".... her idea of how things should be... so all I can hope for here is that my nehphew is in Heaven, knows that going to a funeral is not all there is to grief, that I won't put myself in the postition to be the "bad guy" because even at this most horrible time, it is still about control on her part.... how sad.. it is so sad to me I can't even put words on it... a wasted life, regardless of her accomplishements, because she was and still is, always "on", control and expectations are that important to her... just too sad for words... She has lost her son, and yet we must still "obey".... can only shake my head....
I will grieve my nephew in my own way.... I could care less what others expect,,,, this is MY life, her script is not mine.... her journey is not mine... all I know right now is I am overwhelmed with so many different feelings I am having trouble breathing.... I know that my nephew is gone, at least from this part... and I know my head hurts and I need to cry..... love ya'll...thanks for letting me put my sorrow out to be shared....