This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladeeda- much sympathy on the loss of your nephew. We grieve with you and for you.
And Rossellamex for your loss of Nino...pets are some of the best friends and all cats and dogs to heaven, i think.
Emjo-thank you the awesome understanding. You put into words how I feel. I am getting breaks now because Dad can watch Mom and she can still function ok. And I am taking them because I know there will be less of them later. I am meeting giirlsfriends Friday night and going shopping Saturday. I will be tired, but it will be worth it. Mom's primary cancer is lung, the brain tumors are metastised. It makes her a Stage 4, with no hope of a cure. Just balancing treatment with quality of life.
Weird stuff going on here. Mom is super proud of how she handles her meds. Knows them all, writes them down, never misses a dose. But last night she brings me an empty pill bottle and says she took the last one. This is a new med for her because of the chemo, and she doesn't seem to be treating it like her more long-standing meds that she's taken for years. Not sure if she forgot, doesn't understand, didn't care, or is just trying to hurt me. She got refills last week on her other meds but didn't mention running out of this one. I spent the morning calling insurance, re-ordering it, and making arrangements to pick it up. Argh! I'm thinking I need to be watching her meds more closely, but not sure how to approach it without a fight. Not tonight, though. She was is a pretty good mood and I didn't feel like spoiling it.
For others who wrote about coping and taking care of more than one person, keep talking (typing) and letting it out. I already feel better knowing others have been and are in same boat. Hugs.
Rosella: losing a pet is a difficult thing to experience. Hugs to you as well.
I am blessed with all of your opinions over the frustration I felt toward a caregiver not completing a task in a timely fashion. Today's caregiver was able to help out. He goes more than the amount of cards today and took mom to the bank and took her to the senior center for lunch. I should clarify that Monday's caregiver does nothing more than take mom on errands. That's what she wanted to do when she offered her services until the week of my finals. That was the agreement. No bathing, personal care, cooking, cleaning, nothing. Just errands so she is not doing over an above what a caregiver would do, she is doing what she asked she could do while earning some holiday money. So in the 4.5 hours they were gone all they had to do is buy 21 cards and have lunch (which my mom pays for). That's all. One errand and lunch. My frustration was that a task was assigned and it was not completed as she promised on Friday (four days before when we had coffee together and I explained how I would organize the task for her) it would be. Yes, she must have had her own hidden agenda or problems with following through. Yes it would be nice if my expectations were met. I don't have time to do this, I asked her if she wanted to, she replied "I would love to" and I am allowed to feel frustrated when it didn't get done.
I appreciated the advice and suggestions so that I don't have to put myself in this position again. I can use a website and buy cards, I can ask someone else, I can instill the help of other family members or just don't buy cards at all. This is one of the few things my mom is doing this year. The other thing, a nativity. That's all. We are not cooking, putting up a tree, decorating, no lights on the house etc. Nativity and cards. A dessert potluck is planned so the grandkids don't stay long and mom can rest. I know that I have certain values and dependability is one of my strongest personality traits but seriously if you ask someone to do something and they said they want to do it and they are excited about it and it doesn't get done to completion, yeah, that's disappointing. Because then I had to repeat the whole routine to the caregiver today. Double my work. I think you know what I mean.
I will make changes in the future. I am looking into professional home health care nurses for bathing, personal grooming, meals and transportation for errands. All of those things will not be done on the same day (well meals will be incorporated).
I am going to let this issue die now but I thought maybe some of you were chastising me without knowing the whole story. I appreciate the ideas suggested and the support I received. It is an honor to know you all if only on this site.
I hope you all have had as good a day as can be expected under all the circumstances we are in and all the emotions we feel and safely express on this site.
SDPeg
Jam I hope your feeling better having all that dental work done. I have to go see mine this month not sure what's gonna be said. I know I have to have them all pulled as I have bad teeth but I so don't want to. Not to mention I just don't got the time and hassle for that.
Vic hows mom and dad doing?
Stormy I hope you are getting a break some rest and give little Connor a hug from me. Hope Lil Red gets what he wants for Christmas. Also glad brother is pitching some time in. Good.
Peg honey that just sucks. I would not be a happy camper. Getting your stuff done today will get the other puzzles done when they get here. Peg I have to say though your ornament is coming out very nice even with all the problems I been having with the heat press and the inks. http://lilacorn.net/owalena/pegnative.jpg is only one side the other is just gold with Dec 2011 on it. I am a lil sorry the angel ended up with the ornament hole in its head but not much I could do about that. If I made the picture smaller it wouldn't look right.
Oh Jo if you have too much meat send HERE lol. I love wild meat my dad used to cook squirrel for us. My brother in law's brother used to hunt well he still does and he used to give us big things of venison YUM. He doesn't do that anymore. Speaking of antlers lol I bought mom antlers last year reindeer ones and tey got bells on them. She asked me if we still had them I said yep. Have to dig them out tomorrow. Will take a pic of course and put it on facebook. Did not get the tree today had to cancel the doctors appointment there was nothing I could do. I had no way to get there. Rick has to head to school and after we went grocery shopping with sis I just was NOT in the mood. SO Rick and I will get it Friday. LOL he says hes gonna find the biggest and bushiest cause we got 9 feet ceilings (makes it an itch to heat in the winter)I am doing better and my hands okay as is my wrist just bruised. The colds finally backing off and my belly's feeling mucho better.
Brandy I feel your pain hone. I take care of mom and she is the same with the verbal abuse. Though she feels bad about it later cries hugs me and says sorry. Just a never ending cycle sometimes I just need to walk away. No IDEA how you deal with two!
Ross I am sorry to hear about your little kitten. They are like our children furry ones but still they are. Hugs to you.
Seeme so glad to see you.
Today was a good day and a bad day. Good day as we got stuff done like grocery shopping bad day cause mom was very needy. They wonder why its a task sometimes to get things done well if your charge is calling for you every five seconds it makes it damn near impossible to get ANYTHING done. Finally I got her relaxed listening to her music but still had to run to find out what she wanted. Had to cancel my appointment like I said guess they are gonna drop me. I had no choice I had no ride no way to get there. Sister threw a fit cause she had to take me grocery shopping. Well sorry I couldn't go monday cause I was heaving my guts up. Next month I'll bloody walk! Snow or NOT! Had to go get neice from school, and get back home. Then had to work on getting stuff done cause was havin trouble with the heat press and inks. FINALLY got that fixed. Had a good dinner love fish fillets when I make them at home. Eggs taplia cut up breaded into small squares fried or baked in the oven YUM. Also had summer slaw got to love that. ON the bright side I had a windfall (wish it was money wise) a friend of mine well lets just say she kicked out her hubby for nefarious reasons aks he was cheating on her with her sister (YUCK siblings) well he was an avid photographer. Well he took his camera with him but he left his green screen kit and lamps and all that stuff there. Well she got the house and is cleaning out the closet and found all his stuff. She asked me if I wanted it. HECK yeah!. I can use it to do pictures on my own. Along with having family come over and get their pictures professionally done. YIPEE. Can't wait till it gets here. Still no word from idiot brother and sister. But they should be coming as in my sister here in a week or so to drop off the gifts. We shall see. Anyway sorry if I missed anyone hugs kisses and loves from cold NY and I want some SNOW MISSY send some over here!
I see that we have lots of new posters, welcome, you've found a good place to be..understanding, concern and wisdom is what you will find here. It's 2AM here in CA, I'm finally starting to get sleepy again, guess that I will lay the head down and see if I can sleep.
Glenn and I are still in CA for at least another month, we've bought a class C motorhome, traded the motorcycle trailer for one that will haul both the bike and the truck, now all we have to do is sell the camper and we will be just about ready to hit the road again..
Starry! Yea for you and Glen...have been wondering how you are glad you got motor home! Will be easier to travel.
Dad Did not rest last night...soooo here we go again. He was trying to get up..may have to raise the rail higher tonight.
All of you are in my prayers...
Thank you for your well wishes about the motorhome, your right that I am looking forward to it, the camper has been very nice compared to a tent, but awful hard as far as living space, there ain't any lol...
Ladee, I am a firm believer that the only thing of value that a human has to offer is their word, I expect people to keep theirs. If the person in question offered their word as to doing something, then they should have done it.
I am truly sorry to hear about your nephew, that is so sad.. Try and take it easy, I do hope you are taking a day or two off..
Love ya Ladee
There is no way you would get me to try and hike the mountains around here..lol, at least not now. My family is doing as well as can be expected, the second to the eldest is in failing health, getting to where he's not going to be able to move without help. The baby is the one with MS and epilepsy, he seems to be holding his own at the moment.
Glenn's family is doing well, his step-mom, well into her 80's is still driving and getting around pretty good, we are worried about her memory though, she seems to be having problems remembering. Her daughter though has moved in with her due to financial problems, so that makes me happy, someone is there with her.
Awe..God bless your children Starri..they have your strength
Maybe when we get settled at the RV park we can get out and ride for a while, being here with his Sister we don't get out that much. Hope your day is going well.
caregiver10.....how well we know that state of exhaustion! I know it's not always the best thing to do for all concerned, but would you rest easier if you and Mom were under the same roof? Sometimes that just isn't possible in order to keep everyone alive and well.....but with Mom's declining mental status I would think living alone will soon become impossible for her. Of course there are alternatives. And you are a Lupus survivor....how wonderful!!! Please take care of yourself....perhaps a thorough check-up is in order to keep you on track and well-balanced.....if you are not well then it becomes more difficult to keep Mom well. Take care and come back to visit with us.............
starri......glad to see you here sister! Haven't heard from you so thought you were busy playing beach bunny......lol. Send pics of your new home away from home.
Trying to act like I have some life today....getting the mounds of laundry done as I have the energy. Target is talking with the col as I write and she is still coughing her head off.....yesterday she spent the entire day lying on her bed, except for going to meals. We are trying to get her to push her call button and get something for her cough but she says she can't reach it or she can't find it. This is so hard, she is failing a little each and every day. I expect any time to get the "phone call"....She is pretty much confined to the wheelchair now and isn't able to get herself out of it. And she is still complaining severely of hip pain. But that may be just because she isn't using her legs now. I hate this!!!
Hope everyone is having a good day.....will check back later!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Beach bunnie Starri!!! I figure she is laying in a spa somewhere!! Hee Hee.....
Caregiver10, welcome. Jam is right would it be easier on you if she were there with you or you were there with her? Both ways are hard on you, either her being alone or with you. Remember to take care of yourself.
Jam will get some pictures of the C as soon as we get the camera we have fixed again or get a new one, don't know what happened to the camera, was working fine and now the lens will not pop out.
So how are you doing?
Jam, mouth must be feeling better if you can bend over to pick up laundry.....just tell Target that it throbs when you bend over and can he put the next load in........ and I love it when you put milk over ice cream and it makes little ice chunks.....sure would feel good on sore gums.....uuuuummmmm.....must be Breyer's natural vanilla.
Vic, wish I could send you some sleep.....guess you notice I don't sign off with ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ anymore.....finally got caught up!!!
Ladee, I hope work was not too hard on you today. I know it is your long day. You know I am sending you hugs and loving you from here......wishing all your family problems would go away.............
CG10......anxiety.....was my middle name, and mom lived in the house with me!! If she didn't wake me up every 1-3 hrs every night, I dreaded going in there in case she died in her sleep, and never thought to just stay asleep cause I could find out in the morning.......just makes me wonder how we do/did what we do/did........
I am having trouble with my computer probably cause the Christmas tree (with remote lights) is plugged in the same wall as the WIFI for the computer.........or because I dropped the WIFI while plugging up the tree.......anyway, some days I can't get on........so I hope everyone has had a pleasant day and will have a great weekend.....tomorrow is Friday.........
Getting hungry and gee guess what's for dinner? Just how many different ways can mashed potatoes be done? I need to desperately get some protein in me...........to the kitchen I go.
What'd ya do Jam? have some teeth removed? Beef Broth.. helps to take that hunger edge off. There is always soups like cream of chicken. Smashed and gravy...etc. Glad that the Col has the pain med order, Mom was like that, would wait till her pain level was a 9 before she would finally give in and call for her med, then she'd wonder why it would not work.