This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
“There is always something to be glad about” is the main theme in the Disney movie, “Pollyanna”. This movie aired during my childhood in the 1960s. In this movie, a recently orphaned young girl, Pollyanna, goes to live with her emotionally distant aunt in a town with people just as emotionally distant. With the innocence of a child, Pollyanna unceasingly preaches to her aunt and townspeople, “there is always something to be glad about”. It is not until the end of the movie, do we see how influential Pollyanna has been to her aunt, friends, and community and how the concept of gladness is put to a test.
“Pollyanna” is defined as “an excessively or blindly optimistic person” (dictionary.com). I, Peg, am Pollyanna. I live my life excessively optimistic. While others may view their cups as half empty or half full, I view my cup as overflowing. I must have viewed this movie more times than I can remember as its basic premise of optimism became my own personal philosophy in life and is the very fiber of my being, one of my strongest personality traits.
There was one very major and recent life changing event when I embodied this trait very strongly and because of this trait I survived that devastating event. The date was Wednesday, September 15, 2010, just before 11 a.m. The sun was shining, the air was clear, a few clouds were in the sky. There was a flurry of excitement in the air as the Fall semester had just begun on the San Diego State University (SDSU) campus. I was returning a call from my brother. His voice was without emotion, deliberate in his delivery of the news, unattached like a newscaster announcing news not related to his own life. “Dad died this morning” he told me in a monotone voice. Although he continued to the relay details of this event, I heard nothing more. The sun was no longer shining, the air was stuffy and I found it difficult to breathe, the clouds were nowhere to be seen.
The hallway I was standing in when I received this news began to fade away. My head was swirling while my heart struggled to take in what my ears had just heard. No longer was I in the Geology building at SDSU; I was transported to another place, a very dark, quiet, scarey, unreal, void of everything familiar abyss. I became a very minute speck, unnoticed, in that dismal, dark, dirty hallway. Everyone around me was moving, but I stood still, motionless, disconnected from the world. In my rigid paralysis, life continued around me to rudely -- without consideration of the hell I was experiencing – go on, while I stood still unsure whether to turn to the right or to the left, or to continue to not move at all. My eyes were opened and I could see people walking past me or were my eyes closed and I could not see anyone at all? My ears could hear people talking or, in my aloneness, did I really hear others speak? I was solitarily alone in that hallway in the geology building at the university, the university that has been in this spot for over a hundred years, in the same city for as many years, the city of San Diego, the one with the world's famous zoo, in the Golden State of California, in the United States of America, on the northern hemisphere of what is called planet Earth. Just one little, tiny, unnoticed molecule in the vastness of the universe --- that's all I was.
I eventually found strength in my rubbery legs to stand up and logically and responsibly began to pen a note to my professor informing him I would not be in class that miserable morning because my Dad died. I did not recognize my own writing on this scrawled note as I posted it on the bulletin board on his office door; turning I suddenly fell into a sobbing blob. I cried and cried and cried until someone asked if he could help. As I raised my head, I saw the most caring eyes I have ever seen on anyone's face in my entire life. It was a classmate in my Geology class, one I had said “hi” to a couple of times. I told him “my Dad just died” ~ my dad:
my ever faithful, ever present rock, the patriarch of my family, the love of my Mom's life, my daughters' loving and devoted grandfather, a very loving and devoted man to all of his great-grandchildren. Life as I knew it would never be the same. My world was void of the one and only person who loved me unconditionally and supported me in my life ~ life as I knew it would never, ever be the same again. I stared at this classmate while he offered his assistance. I could feel his strong muscles as he picked me up off the floor from the corner he found me huddled in. He softly whispered “I'm sorry” as he held me close to his chest. “When I heard someone crying I came to see if I could help”, he said, and then he added with a deep sigh “I was so sorry to see it was you”. I could taste my salty tears as they streamed uncontrollably down my face. I felt the softness of his shirt on my cheek as he tightly held me close to him. We stayed there a few moments or was it an eternity? I felt grounded by his strength, soothed by his voice, and as we walked to the counseling center on campus and talked about our Dads and death and shared our own personal beliefs on God, I knew then that I would survive this tragedy and would eventually, but not right at that moment, find something to be glad about. I was glad in this isolated moment in time that this classmate was present when he was and willing to show compassion to someone he hardly knew. I was glad he walked with me to the counseling center knowing he would be late for class. I am glad there are kind, gentle, compassionate people at the university. I am glad it was he that stopped to pick me up off the floor, walk me to the counseling center, and mentor me throughout the semester to ensure my success in Geology.
While standing at the reception desk at the counseling center, I tried time after time after time to tell the receptionist at the desk why I needed to see a counselor. My mouth would open but I could not utter a sound. Time after time after time, I repeated this pattern ~ open mouth, no
voice, open mouth, no voice, open mouth, no voice. My heart did not want to express the devastating news that my Dad had had a heart attack and died. She waiting patiently for me, many times telling me in a very soft voice “take your time” and then I was finally and reluctantly able to utter those horrible words “my- Dad-just-died” with a hiccuping-like sob in between each word. Shannon, the receptionist, whose heart I was able to see through her eyes, ushered me into the quiet room with a comfortable egg chair, soft music, a box of tissues and a glass of water. It was in this room that I called my daughters to deliver the news to them. I never, ever again, in my entire life, wish to tell my children that their grandparent is dead. That was by far the single, most difficult, gut wrenching phone call I have ever made in my entire five decades of living. The love between my children and their grandfather cannot be explained, cannot be put into words, it can only be felt deeply in their hearts and experienced over their lifetimes. The grief of losing him will take my girls, his granddaughters, a lifetime to accept. His loss in their lives is paramount to any event they will ever experience. My heart broke into a million pieces when I had to say “Grandpa died today” to my daughters. One daughter screamed a primal scream “NO! MOM, NO!!!!” and it took everything I had within me to be strong for her. This daughter was born on my dad's mother's birthday, a favored girl. One daughter who lives over 1500 miles away had to hear the news over the phone as well. She went silent when I told her “Grandpa died today”. I could hear her sobbing. I could literally hear her heart break. She was born on my dad's birthday, another favored girl. Sometimes silence is worse to hear than words. Sometimes things a mother must do causes harm to her child and delivering this news to my children was the worst pain I have ever inflicted on another person. My other daughter had been told by her sister (my eldest daughter) and she and a friend were en route to come and get me.
How was I to drive my car? I was in no condition to even think, speak, feel let alone drive. Help was on its way. Now if only I could remember where I parked my car that morning.
The counseling center assigned me to the grief counselor. I was glad for this assignment as we were not only a good fit but also she was very knowledgeable of the grieving process, especially the first and foremost, the most difficult stage: SHOCK!!! I am glad she offered me options that we revisited at a later session: #1. take an emergency leave of absence from school for one year, maintaining my student status, and return the following year to resume my studies, #2. continue in school and continue in counseling, #3. reduce my student status to part time, #4. consult with all my professors on what options I have to catch up with the work I would miss until I return in a few weeks, or #5. drop out of school completely thus not making my dream of obtaining a higher degree a reality. My choice then, which I have never regretted to this day, was to continue in school and counseling. My choice was based on the fact that I was and still am living a lifetime dream of being a student at SDSU. Nothing and no one would remove me from living this dream. I have had this dream for almost forty years and I am glad to be living it. As a returning student in my mid-fifties, I am living my dream. After decades of raising my children, owning my own business, experiencing life, obtaining two associates degrees, it was now time to continue my education in order to obtain the higher degrees I have coveted for so long. Being a student at this age is no easy feat and some days quite a challenge. I pull the heavy textbooks and my laptop in my rolling cart instead of lugging these items in a backpack on my tiny back as I have seen younger students do. I am glad there are ramps so that I do not have to lift this cart up and down the never ending, straight upward-bound stairways. With my petite frame, lifting this load when necessary has caused quite a shift in my back and pain in my neck. I am glad
there are ramps. The miles I walk on campus on a daily basis has made me more aware of muscles that I have not used in years. Toting the books and walking the miles is worth doing because I am floating in a dreamlike state on campus.
But with that whining being said, I am glad I made the decision to “live in the living” as my counselor stated and continue on my journey of student and embrace this dream.
The first couple of weeks of this life changing event of my Dad's death, I spent with family as we surrounded my Mom with loving support. Although my heart was broken and my never-ending tears flowed freely, I was glad to be available for my Mom. Exactly a year after this event, I am submitting this assignment in the first draft form. I am now a senior at San Diego State University with a double major, proud of my impressive grade point average, and still a loving and devoted daughter to my forever-grieving Mom. The tragedy of the recent death of my Dad reminded me that yes indeed there IS always something to be glad about. I am glad to be a part of my Mom's life when she needs me the most.
There were other less traumatic yet tragic events in my life such as my own grandparent dying when I was nine years old. We had just visited my mother's parents and we did not know that that was the last time we would see my grandfather. He was in ill health, but at that young age, that really did not mean much to me. His death was sad because I did not have much time to get to know him.
As a child we were constantly uprooting our household and moving often. My dad was gainfully employed yet always moving for higher pay and prestige in the corporation, we had a middle-to-high income lifestyle but money cannot buy roots. On the bright side, I learned about many different people and can engage in conversation with others freely and I make friends
easily; that's something to be glad about. A divorce or two were life changing events that personally and honestly, I am glad I experienced. Those marriages were not healthy and my life would not be what it is today without distancing myself from those marriages. A best friend's death was something I was not ready for. She had spina bifida and was in surgery for adjustments for her internal organs when, during her fifth surgery at the age of 44 died in 1988. Coincidentally, now that I am thinking about it, she died on my dad's/daughter's birthday.
My personality traits of gladness and optimism helped me through these experiences. My strong religious beliefs have grounded me in knowing that God is in control; He holds me in His loving arms just as my classmate held me a year ago; and one day I will be reunited with my Dad in Heaven. Those are my beliefs. Truly I am glad for His love.
Why did I choose such a heartbreaking, intimately personal, life changing event to share with all of you? I know that many of you have experienced similar life changing events and by sharing these events with one another, we gain the strength to “live in the living”, to see obstacles as surmountable, and to know that we are not alone. I also chose to share this event in the hope that you will see the optimism, feel the strength, and appreciate the attitude of gladness - all so tightly woven into the tapestry of my life that they cannot be separated from one another. In the event that a tragedy suddenly and unexpectedly explodes in your face, when the world as you knew it has been abruptly shifted on its axis, when you feel as though the darkness is engulfing you and you cannot breathe nor can you see a way out, when life as you know it ceases to be the life as you knew it, you might reflect on a memoir of a woman in your class, older than you, had felt the same feelings and survived a catastrophic event and found something to be glad about it in.
I am glad for the loving support of my family and close friends for this past year, for the compassion and often times welcomed empathy from my professors in my absence and return to class last year, for the counseling department who encouraged me to live my dream and “live in the living”. And I am glad that God still holds me in His loving arms. I am thankful I have the character traits of gladness and optimism. I hope by sharing my life experiences, you will be encouraged to embrace the slogan: “there is always something to be glad about” and make it your own.
I am grateful for this site and the friends I have made here....I am grateful for my sense of humor and the stories I read here, the silliness, the seriousness, and the insane.....and I am grateful I am not alone in my grief............
I saw her this morning at the hospital. I would love to have another baby, i always said i wanted 2 kids. But me and hubby had a time trying to get pregnant with connor. We tried for about 2 years and finally i found out i was pregnant. But hubby has slow swimmers so i just don't know if it will happen again for us. We have tried again since having connor but no success. I just hate the thought of connor growing up by his self. Love and hugs to all!!! PS i am especially grateful for this thread and for all of my new found friends what would i do without ya'll???
I'm grateful for this thread where I can come and not be judged about my feelings for being a caregiver and to all the friends that I've made here.
I hope everyone is having a great day so far! Good post ladee..........but not the part about laundry.....:)
I would have to say that first I'm grateful to God that he allowed me to wake up this morning and take a breath. And then I was able to see my husband and son.
After that, I must say that I'm grateful for the ignorance and naivete of others on this website who caused me a few months ago to venture out and away from ugliness and gave me the opportunity to forge a bond with some very special people and to meet new friends.
I'm also grateful to the col for helping me to understand that life is too short for regrets and unhappiness and to dance every opportunity I can get.
I am grateful for the unconditional love that I receive from my pets even on those days when I don't feel so charitable........I know they still love me no matter what. Most of all I am grateful that God allowed me to have a good life with my husband and the ability to make memories that will last a lifetime.
Happy Trails,
Jam
I am grateful I don't eat meat so I don't have a moose crisis... I am grateful Seeme will get her babies next year, I am grateful Target knows how to cook potatoes...I am grateful Vic loves me even if I am a heathen... I am grateful that there are outhouses for decorations and I get to see pics... I am grateful to have so many loving wonderful friends...
I truly appreciate ya'll's posts, it does make us stop and think, no matter how it gets sometimes,,, we do have each other.... hugs across the miles to my friends.... I know I missed some folks, will try to come back later... hugs...
I am still here, healing, and being able to sleep in for the first time in about 3 years.
Last night I took a few minutes to go back to my original post and copy the replies into a text file on monitor #2. That way I can look at the "support" at a glance in its totality. Awesome.
So special thanks to:
beta42
ladeeda
Jam
rossellamex
PEGDBEELADY
allshesgot
stormy
Shawna
emjo
mismiley
seemeride
and anyone else I might have missed.
I am still going to describe the somewhat mystical "gifts" I received in the final days. However, my religious perspective is not the "organized" type. More like being open to the possibility of a higher power. I love what the brilliant Ian Anderson sang way back when on the Jethro Tull "Aqualung" album, "He's not the kind you have to wind up on Sunday". IA always has the ability to say a lot with just a few words.
What also came to mind was the song by Buffy St. Marie, "God is Alive, Magic is Afoot". I looked it up on YouTube to see if it was as haunting as in yesteryear, and for me the answer is YES. There is a video of it from "Gewajega" that has some intriguing Indian art to accompany the music. It's interesting that the poem was written by Leonard Cohen and you can hear his comparatively flat presentation on YouTube as well. The consensus seems to be that LC is a GENIUS while BSM is an ARTIST. It is amazing to see what she created mood-wise from the raw material.
Giamia,
Ishmael
...and regarding that, G`s presentation went very well, the day was saved and one of the big companies wants a copy on the ppt. for their training purposes. I should set myself up in business, and sell my services to them for creating training materials!
been quite a day here - I am still in my nightwear, blackberry coconut icecream with port wine has been made, pea soup with hambone is simmering, the plant that dropped to the floor is swept up and suitably chastised (trimmed to within an inch of its life and maybe further), the rest of the floor is swept too, G dropped by for a while at lunch hour, I am still researching meat grinders, chatted with dd and will take meat over there tonight, caught a nap this morning, better get dressed before G comes home again.
Can someone tell me how to take a shower? I am a bath person, and yesterday I decided on a quick shower. The water coming out of the faucet was warm so I flicked the thingy and got hit with a blast of icy cold water. I suppose it was what was in the pipes leading to the shower head. i stumbled backwards trying to avoid the pain fo the cold blast, lost my balance a little, and sat down on the back of the tub. It could have been worse and I am grateful it wasn't . Think I will take a bath today!
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
And just as you said about Gordie, I know Howard is at peace and out of the craziness that is going on down there according to one of my other nephews.. finally told him I didn't want to hear any more... I am amazed every day I made it out of that family with a heart, the abilty to forgive, compassion, I may be mouthy, but I am not mean...
What presentation???? You didn't share what your project was???? Want to hear all about it...and tell G I am grateful for him too...
Was reading how many of you are grateful for hubby's... made my heart so happy for ya'll, but I am grateful I DON'T have a hubby.... I am relationship challeneged... lol... so I finally gave up....
Love ya'll, and this having to stuff my grief because I have to work is not going too well, am having trouble sleeping... was almost late for work this morning... went to bed at 4, turned the alarm off when it started, then woke up and did the hustle getting ready for work.... that would be the only reason I would remarry, he would have to have MONEY, so I don't have to work....
Hugs across the miles to ya'll....
e being buck naked in a cold shower to remind a person they can still move fast. I prob would have tumbled into something, like the toilet. Im kinda a .. clutz.
I'm glad that we are grateful for things.
I had an interesting day when I came home from work. Grandma was up and moving around. She found this piece of paper and asked where she found it, if it was outside or not. I've noticed that she's become more confused than normal. This time of the year is hard on her not just because of the holidays, but my mil birthday is this month too. Last night, I feel asleep on the couch and woke up when Jr got home from work. Grandma said she didn't know what was going on and insistated that the washer was running. I woke up from my nap on the couch and Grandma asked me, when Jr was going to change. I told her that he's in his 40's and he won't change. Somehow we got kicked out once again. Grandma mental state is sure declining fast. Tomorrow we take her to the doctor and am having her checked for uti. I've got a whole list of concerns to share with the doctor.
We're having our youngest niece and her family over this weekend to do the Christmas thing. Our niece and her family is coming after Christmas. I'm looking forward too it.
Hope everyone has a good day.
smiley, hope you get some answers to your questions and concerns today... I know the holidays gets our Alz, family out of their comfort zone, Ruth was a force to be reckoned with on normal days, and the holidays sent her over the edge.... her daughter insisted on decorating the house, a tad over the top I might add...Ruth was so confused... and some of the blinking lights sent her into orbit... I would unplug them, the daughter would plug them back in... we did this for a month...am happy to hear you are getting some family time... something to look forward to, that helps a lot....
Ish, glad to hear you are getting some much needed sleep... this grieving thing takes all the energy we have left....many on this thread have lost loved ones this past year, so we really do understand how you feel..but sure wish you would share your 'gifts', need to hear or read some things that give me something to hold onto... I am pretty close to the edge myself these days....
And thanks to all those who posted about gratitude... I know I loose sight of this sometimes when I am overwhelmed...
And right now I am having to fight the feeling of resentment that I have to work and can not take the time to just grieve...have to put on the professional face, go do my job, run errands, watch my son killing himself, and just too many changes and too much loss this year... my physical reminder of Ruth when my leg hurts from being on my feet for so many hours... but I am not mad at her, she would never have hurt me if she had been in her right mind, it's her daughter I am still mad at.. but will have to let that go too as it is taking energy I don't have to spare...
So, we are here together, loving, supporting, laughing and crying... it's just called life... hugs across the miles to my freinds...
I'm up early this morning.......had some doggies that either didn't like the sound of thunder and needed to hide under me for protection or the call of nature got to be too pressing....lol
I have read everyone's posts after ladee asked what we are grateful for and the responses have just been overwhelming to see that even through the heartache of dementia and other mental and physical maladies there is still a sense of closeness brought about by our common thread.........care giving. And during all the care giving everyone still has been able to find something good to smile at each and every day. I think being a care giver opens our eyes to things that we didn't see or feel before those days and makes us see other things as not being a stigma anymore. I know a few years ago when I was going through a divorce my doctor put me on antidepressants and I remember thinking that it was terrible to have to do a thing like that........now it's become "look what I did, I recognize that I need some help with MY feelings and I want to feel good".......it warms my heart to read here each day from each of you how you are evolving and those that have come to realize "I'm important"! I truly do appreciate the opportunity of having gotten to take adventures with each of you in one way or another.........
ladee......through rock hunting
seeme......buying new fur babies
emjo......moose dances
Rosella......hard work and the heartache of losing beloved fur babies
ASG.....Auntie and kitty cat and children
CMag.....a leaky roof and empty nest and a man cave...woohoo!
mis.......Grandma with a vivid imagination
Vic....."How to Survive taking care of Two Parents"........
stormy....."How to take care of a parent and a 5yr old"
Shawna......ca-ching.......a home-based business
brandy.........how to survive an accident and still take care of family
SDPeg......getting a degree
And everyone else it has been my privilege to meet. I hope the coming year is easier on all of you, even though we all know that as our loved ones age they will continue to decline, but the strength and love that is displayed here is just awesome!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Gotta get those cabinets cleared out, so here I go...................ttyl...........
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and hug you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past. "
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.