This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Looks like he is going out to stay at camp Monday, for who knows how long so all Christmas plans are on hold. When the big guys (Shell), who give the contracts, call, his company has to answer. He often has 3 meetings at the same time! Nice to be needed I guess.
Mother is having a break down of some kind. She called my cousin's son, who lives in Etown, and was too upset to say on the phone what was bothering her, so he has gone over to see her, and will get back to me. I have a sneaking feeling that it will come out as all my fault - what's new. She has had hysterical outbursts before about small things, when they don't go her way. I wish she would take meds - I think antidepressants would help, but as a typical borderline is not compliant to those kind of meds or any treatment for it. Nothing ever wrong with her - it is everyone else's fault - who won't do what she wants. Ah well, nothing new there either.
Trying to get some Christmas spirit other than Bah Humbug - listening to music helps -any other suggestions - (apart from "spirits") - no Jose for me. well, except person lol
I have another G hovering around - ex - who finally is realizing what a good thing he walked away from - tough noogies - BTDT - NOT going back!
Guess I will just have to go downtown and buy that meat grinder - and the sausage stuffer for you, - and grind some meat and make some sausage, and I am perfectly serious about that LOL!!! You don't believe me do you??? When all is said and done I will have to put pics on fb. In fact, I will put the moose massacre pics up now just to keep my credibility lol.
The old frig in the garage is freezing in the main part and thawing on the freezer - go figure - good for our purposes. Nice when a glitch works your way.
Vic - glad the doc is helping your Dad. Sounds promising.
SDPeg - well, at least you know what's in the doctor's notes. I can tell by your posts your are strong and won't hesitate to speak your mind to your brother. Hugs.
I think my 'happy place' is now a bar called The Laundry Room. I will go there in my head when things get awful. LOL
Quiet today. Mom is really being good. I wonder if it will last the whole 2 weeks the girls are here, hmm...The doc has agreed to re-do her cognitive test and get an eval from a psychologist who specializes in cancer. If they think it will help, they will offer her meds, maybe anti-anxiety or antidepressents. I don't know if she'll take them, but I can hope.
Go figure, the insulated underwear I bought Mom work! She actually likes them! Finally, after she wouldn't buy herself any and let the ones I bought her sit on the counter for a week. Maybe we won't have to turn the heat up to 'sauna" here anymore.
Had a good dinner out with hubby, friends, and 2 of our extra nieces. More cleaning in the morning, then let the housefull of people arrive!
It feels good to have no more homework. I had such a drop in energy after submitting my last assignment that I crashed. Mom did as well around 4 and truthfully I am going to let her sleep. Unfortunately she did not eat the lunch I put out for her so I can only hope for the best tonight. Maybe she will wake up hungry in the morning. I didn't laze around: I did laundry (two loads), inventoried the gifts I have already purchased (more than I thought) and answered emails, threw trash out (wow...lots...the past two weeks junk mail has piled up) and chatted on the phone with one of my daughters.
She and I arranged for one day next week (Tuesday the 20th) for Mom to spend time with her daughters and husband and she and I will finish off my shopping, have lunch, and give me a chance for respite care. We also arranged for early January for a few hour break for me as well. I am seeing that if I take Mom to my daughter's house she is ok with giving me a break as her daughters then have something to do around their own house and not here bored. So that's what I will be arranging. Feels good to know I will have a break down the road.
I also will have a break on Wednesday the 21st: caregiver taking Mom for four hours while I get pampered doing my hair. Sometimes, for me at least, it is a mental break even knowing there are respite care breaks on the calendar.
I would love to have a few friends over for dinner but Mom is not ready for that yet. I do plan to go to the store on Monday and load up the freezer with food so when the temps drop and we get cold we will have some meals. I have not yet made that list ... forever using my brain ... sometimes it feels like it will implode.
Oh thermal underwear ... great idea!!! I agree it is hot in here as well. That propane company sends us thank you notes each and every time they do a fill (probably part of their customer service but I chuckle each time I read it...we have this heater up to 78 every day all day all night in the winter). Oh well, sometimes I wake up in a sweat and have to remind myself it is NOT that time of life ... it is JUST that the heater is up to a ridiculous temp then I get up and turn it down.
My mom was resistant to antidepressants and her doc told her the "new med" is for "increasing her appetite" ... that's the drug mom does not know WHY she is taking it but knows she is. Perhaps your mom's doc could reword the usage of the antidepressant. My mom takes it every morning. Some days she is so happy I want some too ha ha. I have taken them in the past for divorce and PMS and prozac worked for me. So far my therapist does not think I need them. She says I am still grieving my Dad and that's why I am sad coupled with seeing my Mom fade cognitively. I appreciate her words of encouragement and her confidence in my progress.
Although I did not get the grades I wanted (one C+ with a couple of Bs) I think I did great considering all of the distractions. I appreciate all the words of encouragement and I will move forward with next semester in January. Until then, I am going to enjoy my time off watching movies, reading posts, answering emails, and enjoying life. SDPeg
A few yrs ago one of my friends from work got me a fifth of jack daniels, I had to go to her house a pick it up cause if I didn't we both would of got fired from our job. I put it in the basement and it's still there unopened and I won't open it yet.
Last night we had our youngest niece and her family over. My great nephews are 3 and almost 2. They liked the outside Christmas decorations. The oldest got scared of the outhouse cause Santa pops out of it. Grandma enjoyed her great great grandsons.
Asg glad that you got to get out and get some shopping done.
I know that under no circumstances would I get rid of the Diva, she has been the only constant in my life for the past 15 years, everyone would just have to deal with it... even when I took the job with BG last year wouldn't even consider it if I couldn't bring my cat... she needed the help, so she caved.... tho I do not regret one second I got to spend with Ruth, and still miss her very much, I could have done without all the stress of BG....
mismiley, so glad you decided to take on the "BAR", we need to know there is a place we can go, if only in our minds, to relax, have some fun, and have a room full of crazy women and Cmag...... speaking of Cmag, I think spending time with all of us would get you out of your bad spot and make you soooooo grateful for your 'man cave'....
I will have 28 years clean and sober Dec. 26th, and if I could drink, believe me, I would... but will not give up my sobriety for anyone or anything..... fought too hard to have this one thing in my life to be proud of..... so guess I'm the designated driver for the bar.... that's ok, I had my turn a long time ago......
Maybe we all need to post what a year we have had and then be able to let it go so we can start fresh next year.... some things will remain the same... my gratitude for my friends here, how close I have become to some of you, how much fun we have had, how much sorrow we have shared..... and for our Mother Hen, Jam, for staring the thread out of a need to have a safe place to put it out there.... and for her allowing me to be me.... problem child that I can be at times.... But she has always let it be know this is OUR thread, and so far it has worked ..... so many new folks we are getting to know, lord I do get sentimental at times.... just been such a hard year, will be so glad when it is over.... I am grateful I survived it, couldn't have done it or still be doing it without ya'll.... hugs across the miles to my friends....
I'm so looking forward to this yr being over with.
If anyone is reading this and you're not taking care of yourself. Well take it from me I'm 38 now and have heart problems because part of it I was not taking care of myself like I should have it's very important. Another important point ladies it may sound silly but if you have any pain in shoulders or in the middle of shoulders please don't blow it off. Go get check out. I had pain in the middle of shoulders for a month and then what lead me to the er was having pains on the right side of my chest along with tightness.
I know if it wasn't for you all ladies and gent I don't know how I would of made it these past few months with out you. I'm so grateful for the friends that I've made here.
Started a new job last Dec, taking care of Ruth... a live in job.... it was made almost unbearable by the daughter, who we nicknamed BG for Baby Girl, on another thread I ranted everyday about her and how hard she made my job taking care of her mom.... in Jan or Feb. Ruth was having violent outbursts and I practically begged BG to see about some meds for her.. it was during that time that Ruth got violent and broke my leg.... she went to a NH while I recuperated...as soon as I could I went to see her every day in the NH... I really really loved her... she died in May.... I had to get another job, my leg wasn't healed, and I had to move, it has been one thing after another since then.... then my nephew dieing is such a horrible way, has just wiped me out.... but I am not unique, others have lost loved ones this past year. some are coming up on anniversary's of the year before.... and mismiley is so right about us taking care of ourself, from pure exhaustion I had another attack of tachycardia..... I do not know why we think we can do it all.... there is no weakness in saying enough already.... but we don't. Until something happens like to mismiley..... THEN we start to pay attention... and yes, you are very young to have these problems.... maybe we will be more health conscious this next year, I doubt it but we can hope.....
I love so many of you and we have shared a lot this year, the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, only another caregiver understands.....
Cmag, I pray you get a med adjustment to help you, and you are right, it is no way to live, but you are here on earth, putting one foot in front of the other like most of us here, and you have our support, just as you have given it to us this past year....
Everyone just remember that we are not alone, there is power in numbers, and there are hugs across the miles......
Wanted to check in and wrote a nice long post and POOF!!!! Gone. Too tired right now to rewrite it, so will save it until tomorrow. I hope everyone is having a good night. I wish for peaceful sleep for all................
Happy Trails,
Jam
I hope when her flu is over she is better and she starts to "walk" again!
Notlikemom: I am happy dad's surgery went well.
Jo: I am sorry about your accident with the shower; of course it is useless to tell you that next time you try, set the right temperature "before" taking the shower!
Jam: you said "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" and I answer like Woody Allen: "Let's hope it's not a train!" My tooth extraction went very well with no pain, I had pain the following days and I am taking a pain killer which has a very nice side effect (slightly exhilarating) so it was a good experience after all.
Stormy what a nice new puppy! I saw it on Facebook.
Vic. Ladee, thanks for your kind words. Yes Ladee it has been a hard year!
ASG - It would be awful to have someone sit and give you alot of unwanted advice. I just get the "glare" when Mom comes out of her room. Glad you got to Christmas shop!
mis - I don't drink much (had my 4th beer of the YEAR this weekend), but would come to the Laundry Room Bar just for the respite care in back. LOL
Cmag - hugs to you and your wife.
Got the heating bill this weekend. It's double our regular cost. Will be stockpilling insulated underwear. I can't imagine it set at 78!
In late September, Mom passed out and fell down. A few days later we got the cancer diagnosis. A week later we had moved both parents 800 miles to live with me. Then my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Except for the Packers, I am ready for this year to be over. I am so grateful that hubby has been so supportive through all these changes, I have good friends, and that I've met you all on this site. Reading the posts and being able to vent has helped so much. With Mom's prognosis, I don't expect next year to be better, but maybe there will be a peaceful ending.
notlikemom, just reading your story again reminds me I am only tired, I do not have the the constant worry that you do, it has to be so hard for you sometimes... just know that you are loved and appreciated for what you are doing.... I don't know how you have held up...... extra prayers sent to you.... hugs across the miles to all the busy, tired and overwhelmed caregivers today....
ladee.............go pick out your COW PATTIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ro.....so sad to hear Mom is not feeling well. Let's hope it's only because of illness and she will get her strength back once it has passed. And yes, I agree that we want that light to be one of peace....not a train!
This past year has been one I would just as soon forget, for the most part. The anniversary of my mother's death is approaching on the 29th. I'm okay with it because I realize that God was ready for her and had she stayed here there would have been a continual decline and that is something none of us like to watch. I threw myself into caring for the col, when warm weather arrived I had to watch over her constantly to keep her from wandering over to the edge of the pond and falling down.....20 ft.....or going out the front door and walking even where it wasn't safe. Talk about cold chills when I looked at her coffee table and saw a piece of trash that had been lying on the opposite side of the 2-lane highway......used by semi trucks and lots of vehicles with a speed limit of 65....and our house is located in a set of curves. We ended up fencing the backyard and putting a deadbolt on the front door. In June, we had the "breakdown" and the col spent 2 weeks in the behavioral unit and came out a new person. But we hired part-time help which was a blessing. Then in July, a certain person who shall remain nameless here, who doesn't know the col, me or the living situation and how well she was being cared for, decided to stick their nose in our business and file a complaint with the Division of Aging here. This caused that poor woman untold worry, stress, tears, anguish, only to find that she was obviously well-cared for.........and I hope that person is able to sleep at night. Sept and Oct marked the onset of rapid mental and physical decline, with falls, that prompted us to finally place the col in the NH. And during those 2 months I lost 20lbs, so it wasn't all bad!!! Running up and down stairs is good exercise I found. I am hoping this next year will be easier, which I'm sure it will be simply by the fact that I am not watching over the col constantly.....I know she is getting the best of care possible.
Put us all together and the strength of this group is overwhelming........day in and day out the care giving keeps on going........through our own temporary weaknesses.......the continued decline of our loved one(s).....to the joy we receive daily from them........what a blessing it is to know each of you and to be able to share with you and to have a place to come when the going gets to be a little more than we can handle.......
Happy Trails mi Amigos,
Jam
Got to talk to two close friends yesterday and I feel like a weight has been lifted... I feel so much better today... friends are angels in human suits... God is awesome...
hugs across the miles....more later...
Ro so sorry about mom! Hope today is a little better. Smart move with the mattress.
Ladee so glad you are better...
Notlikemom...take care you..you are in my prayers. I take care of both my parents also.. God takes care of us when we aren't watching
Mis..what an amazing woman you are!
Cmag..prayers for you to get better soon..depression suks the life out of you. Will be praying for a good outcome tomorrow.
Sweet Jam..so sorry for the crappy people in this world but so grateful I found you.
Emjo...are you feeling any better?
ASG...yea for time off! Hope you have a good time with the kids and blessings to your hubby! I was blessed with a good one too!
Have been tired and in pain the last few days but have accomplished much! Now I have to start baking!
Dad has had rough days but easy nights...getting harder and harder to move him but we do our best. Mom has been worrying more over dad..so we just try to make it day by day. I have been less frustrated with dad lately..Thank you Lord. It helps and mom has been putting her ears in! Woo hoo wonders!
We have been receiving meals on wheels for mom and dad but it has gotten to the point that dad won't eat them...so add to routine ..cooking a decent meal every day.
Am tired..finishing with dinner so I will try to catch up again tomorrow. Love you all you have been my rock and I so appreciate the strength you give me!
ro - sorry about ur mum - the floor sounds like a good place - I did run the water till it was warm coming out of the tap, don't know where the icy cold stuff came from -should have been room temp if anything - look after you and don't hurt ur back lifting - hope she picks up again
jam - lots of memories this time of year - me too -doesn't make it easier`and no ambition
mis - how's it going -is hubby picking up some slack so he gets an idea of what u go through? glad u had a good time with the relatives
brandy -check in and let us know how u r
notlike - hope dad continues to do well and that some meds help mum
stormy - the pup is adorable!!! so glad hubby bent and allowed an inside dog
cmag - thinking of you and your wife and the dr's visit tomorrow
asg -glad u got out to buy stuff -hope aunt behaves well at christmas
seeme - how are u doing with the bah humbug - I am still there, but making some progress
vic - you sound in good spirits. glad you can ease up on dad and that mum is putting her ears in, I think sone foods trugger the fibro - like a few days after I eat them -have you had that happen?
every -who I have forgotten - hope Christmas plans are coming together -I have one thing fixed and everything else is up in the air - which is apparently how G's family does it and that complicated by his work being crazy right now. I have done my shopping except for the meat grinder lol, and will get out to do that tomorrow hopefully. Think we will be on the road a lot -as long as I bring a pillow and a blanket I can sleep in the truck when he drives...Not Christmas as I have known it for years, but life changes -that is one constant, and it is good of we can adapt.
One good thing mother's crisis was a fight with a home care worker -so far not my fault which is nice. My cousin's son did some grocery shopping for her and he and his family took her out for a meal the next day. He is a nice man and comes through in emergencies.
Sounds like we are not a very boozy lot - a bottle of sherry lasts me a couple of years -I forget I have it and when I do remember all I want is 1/2 a glass at the most. I like to put a little in soups and stews. Would be good to have some green tea in The Laundry Room!
having a bit of fibro but not too bad - trying to figure out what triggers it from my diet -maybe have to add soy to the no no list, which is growing all the time. Oh well - life goes on!
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Jam - what a year you've had. I'm glad you found a way to cope with the col that works for both of you.
Vic - you take care of both parents, too? Hard sometimes, isn't it? Hugs.
Emjo - bless you for fighting through the fibro. Hugs.
I want to laugh tonight, but I can't find the humor in this situation. Maybe tomorrow. I can usually bounce back after some sleep. I can understand that Mom is hurting emotionally, but hurting me instead of dealing with how she feels just doesn't seem right. Oh well, I will feel better if everyone else here has a nice Christmas. That will have to be enough for me.