This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee - Sonny sounds like a hoot. Can we send other broken things to be fixed? LOL Seriously, it's a great reminder that everyone needs encouragement.
Jam - I felt as warm as if I was wearing a coat from your story. This site is full of Christmas elves.
mis - hope you get to do your visiting.
emjo - I will put a big bottle of sherry in the laundry room for you! There's no booze in there yet, but a bottle or two and a chocolate stash may be in order. Oh, and green tea. I think we can decorate the place up with all those skulls and bones you boil. LOL
The girls are at the other relatives tonight. So Mom has no interest in anything and has been staying in her room. At least it's quiet. Hubby's sick with an awful cold. At least he just wants to be left alone and not babied! Bless him.
I cannot say enough about the support here. You are all wonderful people, who deserve the best and don't always get it. I am overwhelmed by you all...hugs.
(for new folks, GoWw stands for Grapes of Wrath wagon, it's what I call my pitiful little place I live) hugs
Marie would have a bird!!!!
Jam, what a beautiful story, the story of the coat. Your grandmother rocks and she taught you a lesson which you haven't forgotten yet!
Seeme, I remember all the health problems that your mother had and I remember your courage in facing so many things all together. I am very lucky with my mother; from the health point of view she gives very little problems...
Lyn I am very sorry and I can imagine what you are going through, because a cousin of mine has cognitive problems and it started when he was far too young for that. I would like to be closer to him - he is one of my favorite cousins - but he and his family have built a wall and they have disappeared from the face of earth. I asked my cousin's daughter if I could go to see him, several times, and when she found all the times excuses to keep me away, I understood this is the way they want to handle the thing and I mustn't insist. I think it is my cousin who doesn't want to see anybody, he is very proud and wants to stay by himself. How many sad stories there are.
Vic, Mismiley, everybody, thanks for asking about my mother. She is slightly better (I kept her in bed all day long) and she is starting to eat something without throwing it up. I am catching the same flu and I see on myself that you just feel like sleeping because you are not strong enough to stand up... You just run to the bathroom 100 times a day!
hugs across the miles....
ladee - one breath at a time sometimes
lyn -your son has good memories already - take comfort in that. I love huddling at home - addresses lots of things
took some a small sherry and some cold FX and huddles and getting better!
notlike - sherry in the laundry room sounds great to me - and chocolate!!! jam ants a chocolate martini
vic, cmag and all have a good day
It's nearly Christmas. My mother had four doctor's appointments in a little over a week. It wore her out and then, we both came down with a virus. We didn't decorate for Christmas and we're going to be eating our dinner together in front of the television with her crime shows on.
I bought my mother three new nightgowns and a parka for her birthday and Christmas. I'll get her some sugar-free candy to go with it.
My best friend sent me a gift for Christmas, so I'll open it that morning before I go to church. I decided to go to the one I originally had planned on attending when I moved. It's about an hour away. Someone I knew from my last church in Virginia goes there and it did me some good to see her grin and get a hug from her.
One of the best things about going to a church so far away is that I don't have to deal with the relatives. There's a couple of people in the extended family who don't like the fact that I don't rewrite history. It's a long story and one that I would rather not go into. Just suffice it to say that someone grabbed me a long time ago and since he's a cousin's boyfriend now, I'm the bad guy for not welcoming him into the family and pretending that he didn't do what he did. When he tried to talk to me like it was old home week, I simply told him that I remembered exactly who he was and then, I told the truth about what he did. I didn't appreciate the cousin who decided that I had to acknowledge him sandbagging me and in church, no less. She told me that I embarrassed him and that her family members wouldn't be coming to see Mama anymore because of me. I told her that it was their decision to make. No emotional blackmail allowed around here. I'm too tired and too busy to deal with the garbage, especially since they've run their mouths and speculated ad nauseum about me and my life to anyone and everyone, even though they're wrong 99.9 percent of the time. But that's what some of them are like. If they tell you it's raining, it doesn't matter if the sun is shining and it's dry as a bone, they'll still insist that it's raining outside. They like their illusions of superiority. Reality is just a nasty trick to them.
My mother's A1C is coming down nicely. The incision is finally closing --- just one tunnel left and then the machine comes off. It's a good thing. Maybe I can take her on a day trip soon.
By the way, I was taken to task by the cousin who did the sandbagging over my lack of insistence that my mother go to a gospel sing where her cousins on the other side of her family were performing. I told her to get a grip. She complained to me about all that she and her two sisters did to care for their father, especially about cleaning around his catheter and how they made him get out and go whether he liked it or not. I told her that it's been just me 24/7 for ten years and as needed for the previous seven and that when she's had her hand four inches deep into someone's abdomen because insurance and home health consider that wet to dry wound care is unskilled nursing, then she can complain to me about how bad they had it. I told her that we do what my mother feels comfortable with, that it's not about what I want, it's about what my mother wants and if something else doesn't take my mother from me first, I have the privilege of holding my mother's hand while she slowly smothers to death from her decreasing lung capacity. I told her that she really doesn't have a clue as to what my caregiving requires, so she needs to shut it up.
And now, everyone else in the family can either like it or not. I really don't care any longer.
Glad to hear that your mum's incision is healing finally and her blood sugar is doing better. It has been a long haul and you are a wonderful caregiver and daughter. What do they know???? Not much! Kinda makes me mad, ya think?
I am sorry about her lungs -that is nasty for both of you. ((((((hugs)))))
As lyn says -huddling at home works - probably what my Christmas will be too and for a few more around here.
Having a grin and a hug from a friend is priceless. Yesterday, I called the pharmacist in our local drugstore for something. I have been going there for probably 25 years now and a couple of the staff are still there. She said if she didn't see me before to have a marry Christmas. It was personal and I so much appreciated it and it reminds me that sometimes little things make a bigger positive difference than the big things. So I want to spread the little things around - the grins, the hugs and the good wishes.
Seeing you here again is a present too. Merry Christmas! and ((((((((hugs))))))
jo
Here's a story for you about the difference between someone who really does give a flip versus the relatives who just want to run their mouths.
I've never withheld from my best friend. I tell him everything, no matter whether it makes me look good or bad. He laughs with me at my embarrassing moments, he cries with me at the losses I've experienced. So, when my cousins started this, I sat down that same night and put it all into an e-mail. He said that he was sad for me that I even had to deal with the guy and that "there was no reason to be polite to the guy." And he reassured me that it didn't change how he felt about me one iota.
It appalls the cousins that I do tell him everything. One of them asked me why in the world would I do that. I told her that I loved him and trusted him enough to be honest with him, that hiding stuff instead of telling the truth is not an option with him, that it would be lying by omission to do so. She was appalled. So was her sister. He's been in my life for sixteen years now, so we must be doing something right. I think that they're just jealous that they feel that they have to lie and hide and I don't.
And they're appalled that he sends me presents. I haven't opened the present he sent me two weeks ago for Christmas, but I know it's something that he had in mind for me for awhile. We'll see what it is on Sunday. And then, we'll see what they say next because it will be a subject of conversation for a long time. They don't understand why he would bother with me at all.
And he called them backward. Yep, I can see why.
My mother is better, I am better too and we are getting ready for a very complicated Christmas...
Ro, am so glad to hear you are feeling better and mama too... I can't wait for you to be able to go swimming again... I know how much that helps you..... why is the Christmas going to be complicated??? The whole' ugly brother' thing???? You'll still get to go to the cousin get together won't you???? I know you are looking forward to it.... love ya...
Lyn,good to see you coming back.... you'll get to know everyone, but we already consider you one of the family....
emjo, sorry your Christmas plans are falling apart...I'll be another one huddling in the house over the holidays... so we'll keep the internet busy...
Jam, how are you feeling today... did you get snow yet????
Seeme, how are you today???
Vic, hope you are getting to see hubby any minute now... I know it will be good for ya'll to have some alone time....
I'll check back in later and get caught up with everyone... hugs...
;;
She will not receive any holiday cards from relatives. This makes me cry. I cannot take care of it right now as I am mad also but I will be taking care of this one way or another. Any suggestions? How do I tell her? I am assuming that if he flashed the POA (no offense to anyone who has it, please know I know it is important but he abuses his power) she was not with him. He also used the POA to retrieve medical records. I spoke with the nurse about this already and she will tell the doc I no longer want to speak at appointments (which is harmful for my mom's health) if my words are documented.
I am sad that my Mom won't receive greetings from relatives.
Thanks for allowing me to cry on your shoulders. I appreciate it.
SDPeg
Rossell - Feel better! The flu is awful. Hope you can rest alot. I think Mom's control issues come from all she's lost and thinks she's lost over the years. She has no real sense of self worth. Hugs to you for dealing with your Mom.
emjo - jam wants a chocolate martini? That's funny, because I have the mix here and swear my sister and I will get to it this holiday.
SDPeg - the mail situation is terrible. Would it help if your brother knew how much she wants her cards and notes? Would he agree to send those on to her? If he would, at least you can tell her they were delayed and coming soon.
Everyone else...deep breaths. Christmas is coming and it's going to turn out however it turns out. I wish you all a smile, a laugh, and the peace of knowing you are the human expression of the holiday spirit.
No snow for me ladee!!!!!!!! Been too warm today....would you believe we awoke to sunshine and temps in the 40's..........of course it won't last long, trying to enjoy it while we can. Ran errands all day.....and I came home with a headache. Got some See's candy for the col.....she is going to be so happy with that. Went to the funeral home to pay off her "arrangements" so that everything is in place when the time comes. She's been telling us that everything was paid for except $212 for the opening and closing of the grave. Why that wasn't paid for I don't know, but those were the prices from years ago....it's now $710. And I don't think she knew about the "transportation" charge and the cost of death certificates and there's even a tax on the urn, which was previously chosen and paid for, but the tax wasn't paid. I finally gave up and said what's the final charge? So $1000 covers it and we will cover the cost of the obit to run in the local paper for $300.....my goodness it should be cheaper to leave this world! Stopped in to visit with the col and they were right in the middle of their Christmas party.....to see a hundred little men and women all sitting in wheelchairs or lined against the wall in chairs was quite a sight. They were all opening gifts and we're talking substantial here....the col got a bottle of perfume and scented powder. They had a buffet table set up with punch bowls of drinks and cookies and other snacks and then handed out bags of cookies that someone had baked. The col was more into partying than visiting so we left and will go back tomorrow to visit with her.
Glad to hear from some of you who have been MIA.................
Ros........so happy to hear Mom is on the mend and you are feeling better too.
I must say that if it wasn't for granddaughters I probably would hunker down at home on Christmas and not do a darn thing. I keep telling myself that next year will be better and different and that's a goal I would like to keep. I'm thinking of planning a week in Vegas from Christmas Day through New Year's Day.....this is the first time in several years we haven't been out for a winter trip, so maybe next year.
Must go to FB and play for a while since I have neglected my farms today.....lol. Will check back later.........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Notlikemom, the control issues of my mother have gone now... She is such a fragile person, and I am sorry for her. If she could understand what's going on this period of the year, that is that our family is basically keeping us away, and I have to accept that my cousin drives for 4 hours so that we can be carried to a house where people probably would prefer we wouldn't go (the silence of my brother concerning the meeting speaks volumes.... ) - well I feel like singing "Bitter bitter Christmas". It used to be my favorite time of the year.
But one step at a time ... she had the nerve to cancel her forward and that part I am very proud of.
Thank you so much for your shoulders to cry on ... I appreciate it. I also appreciate the value you see in someone receiving their mail and how that withdrawal could adversely affect any quality of life.
With deepest gratitude for being my friends,
SDPeg