This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Maya..good for you! You are such a strong person to not let family dynamics ruin yours and moms days. Kudos going to to other church!
Ros..so happy to hear you and mom are both feeling better..so sorry for the family crap you have to deal with.
well ladee Lou..hubby not home yet..rig move..so hopefully he will be home by Christmas. All is well though as brother will be coming on Monday and stay until Sunday am.
Dad had a bad night..for some reason his knee was bothering him and he tossed, turned called called couldn't relax...I finally gave him a Valium around 4 so he is finally calm!. Don't know why I didn't think of it earlier..oh well
My parent moved next to me the march after hurricane Katrina..they had lived on the Mississippi coast for 30 years but were ready to move close to me at that time. The first couple years here were ok. Looking back on it ..it was a very emotional move even though they wanted to come. They moved away from all their friends and their familiar surroundings even though they had been coming here for years and new many people. They both ended up somewhat depressed. Mom started having TIA's ..finally straightened that out and dad was still mobile and driving etc.. Was a deacon in our church and a hospital chaplain. Then in 08 he fell and cracked cheeks bones..his dentures went though is lip..broke a rib..after that he was more wobbly and his driving erratic... He would shuffle more and didn't seem as stable on his feet. Mom was still having TIA's at the time and I had retired from full time work per se to be with them more often. We we very blessed to purchase a house next to mine when they moved. One day in frb 09 I think dad had taken mom to her hair appointment..he had fallen in the parking lot but said he was ok..so she went in to get hair done...she tripped and busted her nose while heading to the ladies room. Suffice it to say the ladies at the shop found out about dad and brought him in while another customer took care of mom..they called me and dad seemed ok and moms nose was bleeding..so I take them both to er...her on one end and him on the other. I really expected them to admit mom and release dad..well it ended up the other way around. Ct of dads head showed something..supposedly he didn't have stroke..after MRI they determined that he had a meningioma in his right frontal lobe. This was on a Friday and by Monday..he couldn't stand feed himself etc.. Neurosurgeon gave him decadron..and by that thrursday he was walking with a walker and all seemed ok. Docs said meningioma was benign. He came home..and for a few months he seemed pretty good. All the while we were trying to figur why mom was having TIA's. In the end for her they decided it was atrial fibulation(sp)..she is on Coumadin regime. Dad went back for check with doc in may..he reduced his decadron..dad started to get worse. Stumbling more .neuro doc finally sent him to other neuro docs..he got to where he couldn't walk and started having Parkinson's symptoms.. They sent us home to see a regular neurologist because where the meningioma is..should be affecting his motor skills. So home we went...he just kept getting worse and we weren't going to be able to see neurologist for over a month.. The following week I took him to another er where a good group of neurologists and neurosurgeons practiced. He stayed in accute care for 10 days all the while going downhiss..motors kills, feeding, talking...they ran all kinds of tests put him on Parkinson's meds..they agreed that there was something a-typical going on in his brain. In other words they didn't know squat! He went from accute care to the skilled nursing unit where he stayed for 21 days..bu that time he could do nothing for himself..didn't know us and on and on.... Course he didn't develop any skills so they had to send him home. They wanted us to have hospice at that time but we weren't ready for that..so we came home with home health..he seemd to us like he was beginning to come out of it..although his heart was doing crazy things, edema in legs and feet, oxygen says not good.. But he seemed to be coming around and started feeding himself..recognizing us ..just little things. He finally ended up on hospice .. Stayed with them for a year. They are angels! But dad progressed enough that we were released from hospice in september of last year. He started going to outpatient therapy and was talking and walking with walker so by last December he"graduated" in January he caught a cold.. At the end of that month he fell..we were back in hospital..come to find out he was dehydrated..at the time he was on LASIK and potassium..they took him off hydrated him and sent him home..he has deteriorated ever since..albeit slowly. He has pernicious anemia, and anemia.. He has CHF and kidneys aren't functioning at 100%. At least we aren't using the bed to poop..he makes it mostly to toilet for that. He is incontinent. I bath him daily in the bed...when hubby comes home we put him in the tub..so here we are at the end of the year
..found this thread back in May. You all have lifted me in body and mind..brought me peace and joy through all are good and bad days...and I have gained some incredible friends. Thank you Jam for starting this thread and being our mother hen! Love ya!
Merry Christmas, Ladee and all!
The heartbreak is that this is yet another loss for my mom after my dad in 2010 and her memory for a couple of years. This is too much for an 84 year old woman to bear. I am just glad I caught it when I did (just one week later) so that she can receive her Christmas cards. That is the heartache. No greetings from relatives? That is what broke my heart. His sneaky ways he will be judged for when the time comes.
Thank you for the suggestions, advice, shoulders to cry on.
SDPeg
Next few days will be busy for me. I got presents to wrap and not done with shopping yet
I'll chat at ya'll later.
Merry Christmas
Ro, saw all your "happy" Christmas stuff and yes we get to say Merry Christmas as many times as we want, we can even say it in August if we want to.....Hopefully in Italy they aren't as stupid with all the damned political correctness, it just makes most of us tired... I NEVER stopped saying Merry Christmas... how stupid for others to even think they can take that away from me...I could care less if some are offended by that , just go away and don't listen.... I'm gonna say it.... so will go check out some of your carols.... love ya Ro....
All my errands are over for the day and I think I don't have anything to do tomorrow except be lazy.....no, I told Target I would bake cookies and make fudge. Darn. New garage door is up...looks good but will have to wait until Spring to have it painted. Got the pump running again so the water is pouring into the pond....the little fishies thank us I'm sure.
ladee....thought it would snow today but it dissipated when it got close.....actually I told it to go to mis's and fall there....:)
hi cindy.......sorry to hear about your father and wish you luck with bringing him home with you and caring for him.
It seems like year after year, this holiday season gets worse with all the commercialism and the buy, buy, buy attitude. And then in reality there are so many dysfunctional families out there and it's so sad. It's no wonder we all want to just isolate ourselves and skip from the 24th to the 26th. But we're not going to let all this get us down, right? We need to make fun of someone.......where's emjo and her antlers when we need her?
Will check back in later...............
Happy Trails,
Jam
Should I call the one who loves to run her mouth the most?
Rossell - sorry that your Mom is to that point. I was thinking about my Mom in what I wrote. With the cancer, though, mine will probally be following the same path. One of the tumors is in her frontal lobe and others are in places that control memory and emotions.
SDPeg - Go Mom! Go You! Good for getting the mail back! Prayers she will follow through with the rest of the changes and get rid of that awful brother.
Vic - thank you for your story. Caregiving for both parents isn't what we expected, is it? I feel like I had a plan that got thrown out the window when they said Dad had cancer too. You've had so much unexpected happen, and you are doing it with grace and strength. I am so glad we've met on the site. Double trouble! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
CRay - Blessing for wanting to bring Dad home. Strength being sent to you...
Sharwood - Ditto what ladee said. You must protect yourself.
Hubby's feeling well enough to make me laugh again. I missed that. Baking cookies with the girls tomorrow. Night all.
Wanted to check in before I start my day of cookie and fudge making.
Sharwood......welcome, pull up a chair and as ladee says, join the rest of the exhausted care givers here. Sorry to hear Dad is being aggressive. You learn to duck real fast....:) You might want to consider a check-up to rule out any medical issues that can be fixed. It's possible that the aggression is the way of his dementia, unfortunately some go that way while others become very sweet and loving. I wonder if when waking Dad he is startled and just lashes out. Maybe you could try gently calling his name to rouse him then uncover him and get him up. Whenever my mil would fall asleep and I would need to wake her, I either made noise so she would wake on her own, or I very gently touched her while saying her name.....I don't know how many times she would practically jump out of her skin!
I visited with the col yesterday and I am noticing a trend of she is not wanting to really visit....it's almost like we are intruding and when we say it's time for us to go, she doesn't try to get us to stay. We tried to call her for several hours last night without her answering, then around 10:30 she calls us and I could hear an aide talking so apparently she got someone to help her dial the correct number. When I was there yesterday, I went over how to open the phone, push the number 2 and then push the green button. I wrote that down on paper and left it on the corner of her bedside table. I'll give you 3 guesses as to how long she remembered that. Anyway, when I answered the phone I could hear panic in her voice....well, she had worked herself into such a state and thought there was something wrong because we weren't answering our phone. We see her about every 2 days, so I'm seriously thinking of taking the phone away from her. She cannot remember how to dial, cannot remember our number, doesn't answer when we call and it seems to now be causing increased agitation on her part.
And I have to also call our attorney back today because the screw-up he did with all the col's revised paperwork is still causing us problems. The NH doesn't want to resign where the attorney messed up, so we must find another way for witnesses and the notary to verify the col's signature. I'm going to have Target call the att office and stress that $2500 should have gotten us correct wording in everything.
Hope everyone is having a good day...will check back later while eating cookies and fudge....:)
Happy Trails,
Jam