This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I started a long post and then lost it. Merry Christmas to you all.
I told Rob that I wasn't going to call his sister until she got out of work because she couldn't afford to leave work and I wasn't ready for all of that drama she likes to throw around. I called her when she got out and told her that Grandma had a stroke and what hospital that she was in. She asked me if we were having Christmas dinner here. I told her no we're not cause we'll be at the hospital with Grandma. Then she asked me if we were going to wait to exchange gifts when Grandma comes home. I wanted to say to her that Grandma isn't going to home for awhile and maybe never cause Rob already decided that we can't take care of Grandma in the condition that she's in. I just told her that we'd exchange presents at the hospital if she comes up there when we're there.
I called Grandma's niece in Louisanna and she was glad that I called. She said thank-you for taking care of her and that God was gonna bless me someday and that she'd call the rest of relatives down there. I also called Grandma's best friend to let her know, too.
I've done alot of praying yesterday. Grandma is in God's hands. Thanks everyone for the prayers and the hugs cause I sure can feel them over this internet.
We'll try to have the best Christmas possible. I'll try to update on here, but most likely it'll be on facebook while we're at the hospital.
Thinking of you today mis....I know it's not an easy decision to make with placing Grandma, but with these type of injuries more care is needed than we are able to give. Take some time for yourself today.....Grandma is being cared for and we don't want you to be worn out or stressed out anymore than you already are. Glad to hear the family is being good and not hassling you.....and hope sil understands the dynamics involved and won't try to convince you to bring Grandma home.
Wanted to check in early as I will be away from the computer most of the day.....I wish a peaceful day for all of you!
Happy Trails,
Jam
mismiley... I'll share hugs across the miles with you... sorry for being a butt.....am glad to hear hubby has made the decsion to place her.... it will just mean a different kind of caregiving for you... but she is in good hands and in God's hands. Please let us know as you get time today how things are going.... will be checking FB for updates...
Sorry sil is more worried about dinner and gifts, maybe hubby can take her calls, one less thing for you to deal with right now....hope there is no drama, gma can feel the stress around her.....
hugs to you today, and prayers and angels.....
The sil gave us problems when Rob's mom was in hospice and even the day off mil's funeral. It's the sil motive. If it's not about her she'll creature. It's not happening today. I won't put with that. Sil knows her place when I'm around cause I don't put with a bunch of bs especially from her.
We're still going over to my aunt and uncle's today. I know Grandma would want us to enjoy ourselves as much as we can.
ladeeda I know all to well about the different kind of caregiving. I had to put my mom in a nursing when they took her leg. I was only in 20"s at the time. My mom lasted for about 3 yrs in the NH. I went and visited her on a daily basis to check on her and to see how she was being cared for.
Thanks for the hugs today. I needed that.
so glad Rob decided to put her in care - it is where she needs to be - glad also you will go fo Christmas dinner
must be bringing back memories for you
wll be watching for updates
take care of you
Merry Christmas, friends. I am wishing the peace that passes understanding to all of you. To all of us. Peace. Lyn
Lyn.... nah, we won't need whips and chains.....you'll be so tired and tore down you'll listen.... but you do get to come here and be resentful, disgusted, and frustrated... we do understand that part of caregiving... we are human first, then caregivers.....so your friend may have given you some words to help you thru, always remember that what we feel is not right or wrong, how we let those feelings break us is another matter... I would already be in a looney bin if not for this thread... and I am sure some would agree I should be there anyway, but I'm not done yet....
And the 'riff raff", did you invite my family too.... awww lord....
hugs to everyone of my friends today
We're having a quiet Christmas in CA, not doing all that much if anything.
"riff raff"- oh, I wish I had talked them into coming here. Getting my beloved prof to go anywhere without being the driver is a real trick right now. OMG does it get ugly. But, I don't blame him. I would be pissed, too, if someone was telling me I couldn't do something important to me any more. Especially at the age of 57. We are doing ok, though. I think I saw a link somewhere on how to communicate better with your loved one with Alzheimer's. I'll have to search for it later when I have time. Have a great day, everyone. We're lazing around today.
I chose not to put the gifts to my children and grandchildren out last night as I was sure Mom would relocate them to "somewhere" and I would have to look for them. I am putting them out just minutes before company comes. Less stress for me.
Enjoy the day. I pray for those that have lost ones this year, those who in the hospital, those that had to make decisions contrary to what you thought you would, those with family members who are not who we want them to be, and for all of us who are stilling "working" today. Enjoy the day.
SDPeg
lyn.....resentment, disgust, frustration.....you are entitled to feel those emotions and anyone who tells you otherwise has not been in your position. But we know. Doesn't mean you won't do the best job possible.....you are just human.....so come here and we can tell you how great you are.......even share some of our disgusting situations.....
Christmas is just about over for Rosella.....hope it was a good one for you....
May everyone enjoy some peace today. Soon it will be a new year, with new resolutions and hopefully renewed energy. I will tell you all about the golden and beaded plunger at the party later..................
sorry for the damper, but I thought last Christmas was the worst one I would ever have but this Chistmas tops it
somethings are falling apart - could use some prayer. I am ready to run to the hills and hide in that cave. I think No is the big word for the new year.
hope everyone is doing better than me,
I am praying for you and all of us. We all need prayer that's for sure!!! And if you, emjo, run to the hills and hide in that cave, I will go with you.
My day has not really started yet, just breakfast, and NO I did NOT clean up after her. She took the donettes out along with her coffee and sugar she she can put them away. She is in the bathtub (I know we all just said "thank God" ha ha) and I will shower in a bit and get dressed.
My 3 out of 4 daughters are coming with their families. Just staying a couple of hours and although Mom say she knew nothing about this (yeah yeah yeah she forgot) I am not buying into that game. She has played it for years: if she says she does not know about it, and it is a flop or very tiring for her, it is someone else's fault. I know her game ... hee hee
I encourage all to do our best and jump on here when we need to. Even for a few lines like you emjo. When are we going to the hills?
Hugs my friends,
SDPeg
mis-prayers and hugs for you and Grandma. Bad situation, but glad she is getting care and you will get to party a bit.
shawna-happy, stress releasing tears are wonderful Christmas gift. Hugs.
emjo-Many Hugs!!!!! Your cave will be very full - I want to come too. Hubby's been home more this week with being sick and the holiday, and off next week. He is seeing alot more of Mom's behavior and is barely holding his toungue for the holidays. Once sis and the girls leave, things are going to get ugly around here. You and I need to keep practing NO. NO. NO. There, I'm better at it already! LOL Between setting some ground rules here and the next chemo on the 3rd, I do not want it to be 2012.
Don't want to end this post on a sad note, so I am thinking of remote control phones and inside out pants! Happy Holidays.
Well today we went and spent some time with Grandma. yesterday when she spoke you could hear her but today it was barely a whisper. I gave a tiny bite of scrambled eggs and she ate that and a small sample of the muffin they brought her. They gave her hot tea so I made her some ice tea out of it. The nurse told us that she might be able to go to the step down unit and then we'd talk with social workers about placing her in a nh. I've already had experiences with nh with mom so I know what to look for whether their bad or good. We didn't stay all day up there but just a few hrs. We left and spent the rest of the day with my family and we both enjoyed our selves. I need to do some serious cleaning of this house. It's messy, but I'm just too tired.
emjo ((((hugs))))) I might want to join you in the cave just to get away for bit cause I need to.
I need to get off of here and enjoy my egg nog and rum. The Laundry Room is open.
Now I can Skype so my mother can visit with her grandkids.
mismiley... sorry to hear gma was only whispering....
And very glad to hear you had a good time with family...and don't worry about the house, it will be there tomorrow or even the next day.... relax if you can... how far is the hospital from where you live???? And please give your hubby a hug from us... we know he is upset about all this and we want him to know we care.....
Well guess emjo can open a bar called The Cave, and ya'll will have the bar thing covered.. I am claustrophobic, so the cave is out.... Cmag has a "man cave" but I don't think he wants us all in there making noise and touching his collections....
Enjoy your eggnog and know that we are all thinking of you.... keep us updated...
And emjo, you know where ever you go, there you are ....why do you think I always post about being tired of being a grown up.... that's why I get so goofy some times..... life is too short...If I took myself or my life so damned serious all the time,. I'd have to go postal, and that is why my credo is " Lead me, follow me, or get the hell out of my way"... Lead me if you have something to teach me that will enrich my life, follow me if you think I have something to teach you, OR, if you want to learn how to lighten up, or get out of my way... I have a life to live, things to do and people to meet... so don't have time or energy for the petty meaningless things in this world.....
I pray we have a better year next year.. that we have learned from each other, and from our own setbacks....
And Seeme to end this post, you are going to love this... I called today and left this long rambling diatribe about you herding reindeer with hubby's antlers on and checked just now and called the wrong number.....Someone some where is wondering who that crazy Suthin' woman is and why did she call them... At least I didn't try to get them to connect my internet..... Lord, some things just don't change....
love and hugs to my friends .
I drank too much red wine at lunch so I am going to bed now... I am not going to drink tomorrow!
What is wrong with me that I can't accept her problems and just go with the flow?
Thanks for this opportunity to vent Carol
What irritates me the most is the game she plays with my brother. She lies to him about what we do together, he assumes I am spending her money, running her ragged, and causing sleepless nights. All I want to do is help her enjoy life!
Carol, I with you ... I am tired. Please hop on and post often as your post tonight helped me feel more "human" and less "alone". Thank you! And Merry Christmas! SDPeg
Maya, I'm glad that you have a new computer. That is a nice change.
Today, I don't know how long it took me to cook the broccoli casserole, the sweet potato casserole, warm the ham, make the tea, and heat up the rolls, but we enjoyed a Christmas lunch of just us four and no more. Then, I drove my wife and boys to see my mother in the nursing home and giver her, her Christmas present. She continues to decline and her attention did wander. Next, we visited my step-dad and gave him, his Christmas present. After which, we drove home.
We all ate leftovers, and I've had all the people time that I can handle for today. Thus, I'm reclused to my man cave. I don't think everyone could fit in here at one time. It is a nice get away. I find that for whatever reason, I'm not as extroverted now as I once was.
Tomorrow, we go to visit "mommy dearest" my MIL and my wife's twin sister who is my fellow Jedi night standing against the darkside of this dysfunctional family. My wife is already anxious enough about her upcoming breast biopsy following last week's mammogram, but she will be more wound up in the am about going to see her mother. Over time, the boys have learned to ride out the various experiences with their 'mommy dearest' grandmother. They know their mother will be on edge and might even get caught up in her mom's mess for her mother did focus more on her than the other daughter in raising them. So, it is harder for my wife to pull away and not get sucked into the darkside of my MIL's personality which is quite narcissistic and borderline. We have learned that it is best not to stay with either while visiting but to stay in a hotel room. Thus, when things get tough, we head for the hotel.
Love, prayers and hugs for everyone!
Ro, am glad to hear you drank too much wine today.... you needed that, it's been one long hard year for you...... get a good night's rest and we'll see how you are tomorrow... hugs to you....
Cmag... please let your wife know she is in our prayers about her biopsy.... as women we know her fear of the unknown... seems so many have crazy moms, I told a Friend today I was grateful my mom is no longer having to deal with this thing called "life".... she is at peace.... something we all still struggle with from day to day....
I know your wife appreciates that you understand the transformation she goes thru being around her mother.... having that love and support helps her to cope with all that stress..... and glad to hear you are in your "man cave", and we promise not to go barging in and messing anything up or making so much noise that you would have to leave to keep your sanity... I appreciate you cmag.... you've stuck around all us crazy women and still keep coming back and letting us know how you and your family is..... can only imagine how we must sound to you sometimes... but you are an asset to us here...
Well, as I said, there is someone in America that got a phone call about reindeer and antlers and are probably still just staring at their phone.... did I spread the love or just confuse someone else.... lol....I haven't received a phone call back , I'm sure they have caller ID, and no cops have shown up to do a welfare check, so it's all good.....
love and hugs to all my friends.....
laee -I wish I could see the faces of those people when they hear your message LOL!!!
carol-can't hold our breath for better times or for it all to be over. Mother is 99 and as dysfunctional as ever and goin g strong - no dementia just the life long narcissism and personality disorder - I am 74 and the clock is ticking so I gotta make it good now. I think you have to grieve what you lost or what never was so you can move on -face how bad it is, come and vent, feel the feelings and crey the tear and eventually you move on to a better place (((((hugs)))))
ros -have another glass for me - I was going to have a sherry and forgot -it will be there tomorrow -getting past the sadness
maya - when you learn how toi skype you can tell me! Time I learned!
sdpeg - she is demented so she will tell stories - it is what I have to say about my mother and sister but I substitute mentally ill for demented - if you mother did it all along and played those games with your bro then they are never were too healthy - grieve the losses, I know it is hard when it is in your face every day.. I have had to take myself out of the arena -me getting hurt accomplishes nothing - they play their games somewhere else if I am not available
lyn -mother had the driving problem with my father when he started going down hill - it is no joke - an my heart goes out to you -hope your huddle at home was relatively good
mis - in my prayers and glad you are relaxing a bit,and the hospital is looking after grandma (((((hugs))))) to you and rob - tough to happen especially at this tine of year
burned - hope you had some kind of a Christmas with you hubby and the kids
asg - wondering how it went...
jam -hope you had a good meal and a visit and not too much snow. -sounds like the col is enjoying the nh and the social activities - bet you are thinking of last year and your mum (((((((hugs)))))
seeme - catching up on the zzzzzzzz's -thinking of you and those puppies that are coming -I know this day is hard when you have lost someone (((((((hugs)))))
shawna - nice pics and mum looks good. Glad that you had that good phone call - warms the heart
stormyyyyy - playing with the puppy???? Hope dad had a decent Christmas. and you had a great one with your family - know you are busy with your own home and his.
starri - enjoy the warm breezes - I wish!!!!!
I am sure I have forgotten some one(s), but not intentionally
hoping for a good few days for all till the new year rolls in -
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Cmag please know your wife is in our prayers. I'm sure she is frightened. Your support will go a long way helping her.
There is not any daycare tomorrow. How will I stand another day? Then next week we do it again. Oh well I must get through. Sometimes life seems so unfair. Take care all. Carol
Hubby and i were up til 3:30 christmas eve getting connor's santa together. His big thing that he got was a train table. It took us about 3 hours to put that thing together. We were both sweating bullets, scared to death connor would wake up. And he woke up at 7:30 christmas morning. So we got a few hours of sleep. He got thomas the train stuff and trains, spongebob toys, flashlights, clothes, gloves,legos, candy, a singing justin bieber toothbrush, air hockey game, a blowup spongebob punching bag, spongebob dvds. My house looks like it threw up toys. Lily even got to new outfits. But she walks right out of them. She is too little to wear them. She will have to grow into them i guess.
Dad is doing about the same i guess. Christmas eve(afternoon) sis had to carry him to the hospital cause his stoma come out of his neck and we couldn't get it back in. He started bleeding around his neck from us trying to get it back in. They were not over there long about 2 hours and then they sent him home. You know if something is going to happen it's going to happen on christmas eve.... Then sis didnt think she was going to be able to go home for christmas. Brother stayed last year on christmas eve with dad. But he had already told me he wasn't doing that this year. So sis finally asked him if he would stay christmas day night with dad and he said he would. If she didn't ask him she wouldn't have gone home. She told me I shouldn't have to ask him and nephew to stay, they should offer to stay. I told her you can hang that up about them offering to stay with him. You have to ask them. I told her i have to ask them when i need them to stay with him. So i told her to quit waiting around for them to say something about staying with him. Ain't neither one of them got a job or nothing to do they can stay with him some. Then brother has been talking about ordering dad one of them life alert necklaces(we have been calling it the PANIC BUTTON). Sis said, "How is that thing going to help me"? I just told her i don't know. Then dad goes for his labs tomorrow, wed. is his throat strecth (sp?) surgery. Friday is appt with the no account dr that will tell us what his tsh levels are doing and other things. Another busy week...... Huh...... It never ends........ Going to send this before it gets too much longer. Love and hugs stormyyy