This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas.....some not so good I know.....just believe that my thoughts are with you whether you are having a rough time or a not so rough time.
Carol....ladee is right, you are trying to make sense of the care giving and sometimes that is just not possible. The tired takes us over mentally and physically and it seems like some days it's almost impossible to get up and put one foot in front of the other. That's why YOU must come first, and no that is not a selfish attitude, because without YOU the care giving doesn't exist. Just remember as humans we do have a breaking point and this care giving gig can push us to that real quick. You may be at that point where you have to sit back and reevaluate what you are doing and how you are doing it and you might have to make other plans. I was at that point in October....every morning I was waking up with this doom and gloom attitude, knowing the col's mind was getting worse and physically she was getting so frail, and I would run these scenarios through my brain all the time.....what if she falls while I'm with her and I can't catch her.....what if..what if..what if...............yes, I'm trained to take care of the ill and injured and hubby is a physician for heaven's sake, but when it's your own it's different. Anyway, I knew I couldn't do it anymore and Target was having a hard time dealing with how quickly his momma was fading and seeing what it was doing to me, so the decision was made to place her in the NH.
ladee.....what can I say....our problem child.....I'm still rolling thinking about someone saying...."who do you think this is? Sounds like they're nuts...too much eggnog maybe?" hope yesterday was restful for you and wish you didn't have to work today.
Will try to answer and read as everyone checks in today. Going to be a day of calling the pharmacy, the stoooopidddd attorney, the phone company and nothing else I hope! Eating leftovers......YUMMMMMMMMM!
We've almost made it through another year......yippee!!!!
Happy Trails,
Jam
OK Ok , enough already... have already got on the silly train, so come join me, I'll make a stop at your house...hugs to my friends....
I am watching the prof's puppy try to eat tin foil. She takes a bite, cringes, takes a bite, cringes. OMG. I am becoming a sadist, too, lol.
The computer is up and running. I wish I was.
I was at church yesterday when one of the cousins called to invite us to her daughter's for Christmas dinner. You know, I wish these folks would make up their minds. One week, they trash me and the next one they invite us to dinner. I politely declined by reminding her of her sisters' telling me that they won't be back to see Mama because they got embarrassed because I told the truth. It's all a little to schizophrenic for me to have to put up with. I've got enough on my plate with my mother.
Speaking of mothers, mine went on Skype last night and video called with her only son and his family. She'd been resistant to doing anything like that, but she's changed her mind. I was really glad that it worked for them. And yes, I have to thank my best friend for that. Without the new computer, it wouldn't have worked at all.
Maya, can tell you are still in awe of your great gift...... what did we do before computers???? A Friend of mine asked why I don't write her letters anymore, UH, I do, in emails..... lol
Ok, am going to check on FB and then take a nap..... busy day huh...
mismiley, please let us know how things are with gma, and maybe like you said your boss will let you have a few vacation days.... that would help a lot......
So everyone else check in and let us know how ya are... we probably won't hear from vic, her hubby is home...WOOT WOOT.....
hugs to my friends.....
all I want for next Christmas is a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush - not making fun of you stormy - just thinking about me at my age and having one - must be in my second chldhood - or maybe my first consdering the cr*p that went on when I was young - strange u named ur pup Lily. it is one of my "secret" names - no not Gary -so I may answer when you call her, and I don't pee on the carpet - yet anyway rotflmbo
Ladee you are like hawkeye -can't do confined spaces - we will build you an awning over the entrance so you can stay outside and we will camp - heat water on the fire and do the right order of brushing teeth -with justin bieber sunging tooth brushes - all in harmony now, spit in the bushes, then wash the hands etc. Is anyone averse to using leaves for "that": job" Just don't pick the poison ivy. oh, my goodness, I think I need some brekkie to get my blood sugar up, I am getting right foolish!
maya - mum on skye -awesome and as far as the relatives go -you trash them - life is too short
as far as help goes-stormy u got it right -tell 'em don't ask 'em
jam sounds like u did well, I am glad
pet story - my dd (dear daughter) had a cat called Smokey and he was the predatorial type. It was Christmas and she was having trouble with her Christmas tree lights and she told me the cat was eating them. Yeah right! I was over there, the lights were on and the cat was under the tree and I heard a distinctive "crunch" I went over to take a closer look and this crazy cat was crunching the lit light bulbs. he didn't like them cold. So lyn -sometimes they are crazy - hope he doesn't swallow the foil..
I'll take that you are jellies anyday - colourful, bouncy, cute...
Yes Jam, I am the problem child, but ya gotta love me because I make you laugh.... and I did take today off, am getting started early about the new year thing of destressing myself....
One of my favorite things to do is go rock hunting... no I don't take a gun, but to walk in the fresh air, well depending on how many cattle are where I am rock hunting..... but I just get into the zone.... rained all weekend, which I am extremely grateful for, but am wanting to get out on the back roads and pick up rocks,,,, and not just any old rocks... special rocks....I do some of my art with them, it's funny because when people see how many rocks I have they always ask, "what are you going to DO with them", well, uh, they are rocks, you really don't need to DO anything.....just the joy of finding them , the solitude, the quite, the listening for God... so guess beauty and respite comes where ever we are looking for it....
And don't worry Lyn, I'm not going to clean house, so you don't have to either.... I just put a sign on my door that says, "I'm tellin' ya, you REALLY do not want to come in here"..... it works.....hugs and angels....
I told my mother what happened and that I told her not to come over here. My mother agreed that I shouldn't have to leave my home to avoid her. These people need to get it through their heads that they don't get to do and say anything and then, have me roll over and play dead for them.
I moved her to improve the quality of my mother's life, not for myself. And I'm beginning to wish I'd stayed where I was.
It's what my mother used to do when my dad was trying to drink and drive. The military police thanked her for it.
I didn't know whether to laugh or smack him.
lyn - as I mentioned mother had the same problem over a number of years as he declined. Finally his car -a beautiful Humber with leather and walnut interior needed service and wouldn't start. I had travelled across the country leaving 3 kids behind in response to a distress call from my father as mother was - in her way -ranting and ranting all the time, and he was beside himself. It did not take me long to ascertain that he was not capable of driving anymore, so I advised mother to let the car sit there and not get it serviced. It still was a thing of beauty, and to buy herself a vehicle and sleep with the keys if necessary, In any way make sure he could not get them. He was satisfied as he still had his car in the driveway to look at, and she had reliable transportation to work, and protection for him, and for the public as he could not drive. Eventually they got rid of the Humber. He had ministrokes and she would come home from work and find him passed out in the floor. He slept and then apparently came to unharmed, but of course there was small amounts of damage each time, which eventually took its toll.
I don't known if my eardrums ever recovered from the hours I spent walking with mother outside (to give my father some peace), and listening to her rant. After I retuned home and she had bought herself a car, she called me and told me that she has done what I suggested, and in her inimitable personality disorder, narcissistc way, said in a nasty tone "But don't think you have helped me!"
All in a day's work for the child of a narcissist.
And please tell me you were kidding about him possibly hitting you..because if he is getting that angry it is time for an eval from his Dr... you have not said if he is on any meds.... give me a little more info and we'll see what else we can come up with....glad he is home safe.... hugs to you....
The Cave and The Laudnry Room.....
Got your message last night after we came home from Kathy's.......bet you blew their minds, Ladee.......Ladee the problem child and Emjo the wild child......glad they didn't get the internet call or you would be in trouble......
So many posts today.......Ro and too much wine, me and too much whine, CMag in time out.....no, just resting in the man-cave, Stormy and too many toys, Ladee and too many rocks........
Carol, don't let us drive you away.......hang in there with us......
I am taking down the Christmas stuff while hubby is sleeping. We went out for breakfast with Kathy and family. Hubby had to have blood drawn this morning after fasting. I waited outside in the car....shouldn't have taken more than 10 min.....25 min later he comes out......nurse went through his vein and it was on.......he has vassavega.......whatever that is when you pass out at the sight of your own blood. Doctor had to get it from him, lay him down, give him juice.....he was so embarrassed, but it was nothing new......and he gives blood all the time.
Got to have something to show for the time he is sleeping, so I will get back to it....
agree with the seriousness, lyn - there can be a maniacal strength and it has to be dealt with
seeme - ur hubby passed out from the sight of his own blood oh dear - very embarrassing for him
ladee glad u r starting to relax -u have needed that big time
had a dump of snow here but the roads are not slick - stay in jam and stay safe
cmag hugs to ur wife -she is fortunate to have ur support - prayers going your/her way too
mis let us know how grandma is and if u got time off
The respite was good ; I will do it again but the cost has to be considered as Mom's money is limited and it recently has been going fast lately. The daycare takes all her social security; meds and doctors get what is in savings. I'm trying very hard not to overspend her funds. I think the respite is for me ; should I really spend her money on it when it really is helping me?? Lots to consider.
Wish the sun would shine. I'm really tired of the clouds as they reflect my mood. Just a day or two of sun lately here in Tennessee. Makes me want to be at the beach hearing the waves come into the shore. Gosh, I am really dreaming.
Take care all; I've got laundry to do. Carol
It is very empowering to make that choice for ourself... and not wait for someone else to help... you have family that can watch her for awhile.... now, the challenge will be to not just keep walking..... lol.... or running...... away from home... take care, we are happy you are here... hugs and angels...