This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Have a great time!
SDPeg
Boundaries ... I love them. NO...I love that word.
Pity parties? I always decline...unless it is mine or yours of course. And I don't mean we have pity parties (we vent, ask for support, scream, cry, etc) but I just wanted it to flow with what I was writing.
I have enjoyed my day: junked out on chips (the healthy veggie kind), candy (the healthy dark chocolate kind) and soda and coffee with donettes for breakfast. Wow! That sounds like a junk food day.
I am like a fish out of water without homework. But I do have two books I want to read (thank you eKindle) so that's on my list of things to do for the next douple of weeks.
I suspect the games mom and brother have played for years will continue. I plan to tell them I won't play with them anymore ... not that I was ever invited to but moreso lured into the den. So that's one resolution this time next year you all will hear I have kept. If these games of lies and deception and secrecy have been a lifelong habit I can't break the code. Nor will I try. I will just play on my own playground and you all are invited. My favorite childhood games were: hopscotch, tetherball, and jacks. What was yours? We could play jacks in the laundry room ... ah ... a place to run to when others shun us from their games.
Hope some of you are resting today. For those that are not, I pray you get a nice restful sleep tonight. I have been taking melatonin (I tell people I am sleeping with "Mel" ~ like a new boyfriend ha ha) and two pills (when I can sleep 8 hours) works best for me but I am petite and that's about all I could take. And also without my school schedule: I feel like a fish out of water. Oh I liked that card game as well: "Go fish" ... maybe that will be my code "cuss" word to those that irritate me ~ I will tell them to "go fish" like the card game.
I guess childhood memories occur during this time of year...thanks for letting me share mine.
What was your favorite childhood game or memory? One day we might not remember, we can remind one another.
SDPeg
We also had a raccoon named Bandit who was a house pet. He had a wading pool of his own and he slept in my bed curled up beside me on my pillow. He was awfully cute. We got him when he was just a kit. My dad found his mother dead and her four babies beside her, so he brought them to a park ranger. We ended up bringing Bandit home with us. Daddy tamed him, but Bandit never really warmed up to him. He used to wait until Daddy broke starch on his uniform and then, he'd lift his leg and make Daddy have to start out with yet another fresh one.
At the Four Seasons store on post, my mother found a record that was supposed to teach parrots how to talk. The record kept repeating "Hey baby, want a kiss?" One day, my mother came up the stairs and as she turned the corner, she heard those words and freaked.
Phil also learned how to whistle and call our cocker spaniel Duchess. One day, I came in the front door just in time to see Duchess take a running leap off the sofa at the bird cage on the bookcase in the living room. I think Duchess had had enough of the bird.
After being complained at by the cousins because I remember things so well, I started a blog. If I keep it up, I'll find a way to give you all a link. For the most part, it's private. My best friend is the only one that I've given access to yet, but if I manage to keep it up, we'll figure out a way.
Okee dokee?
When he passed away, his Class A uniform had been cleaned and pressed. He went to his grave with new brass, new ribbons and a new name tag in place on it. The brass didn't have a fingerprint on it. And his low quarters were freshly spit shined. We couldn't have the old man look less than sharp, could we?
My best friend told me more than once that I should write it all down and he'd publish it. He said the only problems were that I'd have to write it as a work of fiction because number one, no one would believe it was just the unvarnished truth and number two, the names would have to be changed to keep me from being sued. People don't like their dead bodies coming out of hiding, you know. They like them buried and saintly.
His sister saved her father's and gave them to her kids and grandkids to play with. Now that was just nasty....
Grandma got moved out of the neuro icu today into a regular private room. Before she got moved we went up to see her and we talked to her nurse. She took us in a conference room and talked to us about grandma. She said from what the doctors said that grandma would need 27/7 care, (which we would not be able to do ourselves) she would need to be in a skilled facility. Also the pallative care coorinator and social worker would talk to us when we go back up there in morning. When the social worker gives us suggestions for nh we are going to go and check them out. Rob asked the nurse about hospice and the nurse said that both pallitive and social worker would talk to us about it. This is just so exhausting. We both are taking care of ourselves the best way we can and grandma would want us too.
We told grandma that it seems so different without her here with us and we miss her. I told her that Daisy (our cat) is being taken care of and so is Peanut (our dog) is being taken care of too.
I've been wanting to clean this house for the last couple of days. Guess what i haven't done a single thing yet. I get started on something and then get side track on something else. I'm having a heck of time sleeping at night. Too many wheels turning in my head with all of the things that has gone on this weekend.
Good night my friends. Will give another update tomorrow.
Maya, I was thinking about you keeping a journal... and to write like you are telling it someone else... like you do us... I keep a journal, and I just let it run... no one sees it but me, doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else, or words misspelled, it's getting things out of my head.... and I don't want to read your personal stuff sweetie, what I meant was if you were ever published I would read what you wrote... don't open you life to the world. That is something very personal between you and your friend.... but you are very very talented, sure wish you would consider starting that book.....
Ok, I really am going to work tomorrow, so need to get stuff ready. I wish I did not have to work.... but this is what I have chosen... so one foot in front of the other... love and hugs to my freinds.....
Peg: our mothers often play victim because us, the caregiver children, control them and so they complain about us when they talk to the other children (the ones who don't take care of them). This is one of the bad side effects of caregiving. This is one of the things we have to be patient about!
Lyn: I am very sorry about what is happening to your husband and the car. For my father it was literally the most important thing in the world, and if he had had to give up his car it would have been a tragedy.... It was not like this for my mother; she didn't really care about it so it was not a problem to tell her to "stop driving".
Emjo I liked so much the story of the cat crunching the lights of Christmas tree. My cat Cocaine sleeps now on the top of a piece of furniture. Until some weeks ago, there was a big vase on that piece of furniture. One night I heard a crash - Cocaine had pushed the vase which got broken on the floor. Now I understand he moved and crashed a vase which was 3 times bigger than him, because he wanted that place on top of the piece of furniture.
Maya - I think you are right while you deal with our relatives, not to pretend that there is a good relationship when it is not true.
I didn't have a good meeting with my cousins. It was not their fault. They were very sweet. I felt like an alien, though. I feel so far from their world... from the normal life. It is hard to stay among people who have a normal life. For example they said they are going to have a pizza tomorrow night. As simple as that, For me, it means to find someone to stay with my mother while I go to the restaurant; it means to find the money to pay for that someone... which would cost me 4 times as the pizza... So of course I won't do it.
You know this kind of stuff.
My mother is still very quiet and absent and I don't know if it will be permanent...
Well okay tomorrow is another day.
Snowed again here but the cat went out so not too cold and going up above freezing today again. Hope we don't lose the moose meat. The garage is not being a very good freezer right now.
mis, this is a big transition for you -and especially your hub who is no doubt thinking about his mum. As much as it was getting too much having grandma at home, having her ill like this and going down hill so fast is not easy either (((((((hugs)))))))
carol - ladee is right -the respite is for you and you know you need it for yourself and your immediate family members and to continue to be the best caregiver you can be. Please let go of the guilt - you have done nothing to feel guilty for. You are doing your best to care for your mum, and looking after you is caring for the caregiver. Should you spend her money - you betcha! All part of the picture of providing good care for her and also giving her an experience of being cared for by others, which may be where she ends up anyway, As I understand it, when her money runs out, medicaid kicks it, I'm in Canada so maybe someone from the states can tell you about that. Sweetie - you count too.and your quality of life does.
maya - glad you know we are reading -you have a bunch of great stories and tell them well. Might be an idea to write out memories from certain periods of your life - and group them together. You could look at trying to get them published in magazines. People do it! Blogs are great too.
sdpeg - if the games have been going on for a life time they will not stop, they are not your fault and you can be very thankful that you have a sib who supports you. I am on my own with that. Now to figure out how to protect yourself. And let go of the guilt about mum not eating. The food is there for her, but throwing it out seems to be one of the ways she copes with life and it is not healthy, You keep mentioning you are petite - are you trying to make us all feel fat???? jk!
new years resolution - lose 5 to 10 lbs this year. Not a big goal but hopefully an attainable one. Then I will be close to or at what I was when I came up here over 30 years ago. Go north and gain weight. I saw so many people do that. Maybe it is the extra months of cold.
I was blessed to take home from my Christmas visit to my daughter's (not my gift)the black leather 3/4 length coat that doesn't fit her any more. She has lost 20 lbs.and is willowy again, It is good quality leather and warm and I have such good memories of her in it. - and it fits me. We are very different builds - she is very narrow in the waist and torso and has hips -real hourglass and I am heavy on top and slim hipped BUT IT FITS ME!!! When I wear it I feel like she is with me and that feels good. Emily was delighted with her clothes -all with sequins or sparkly thread, Sean was very happy with his money and munchies for the bus and Joel was the best - i gave him a couple of science kits and a cheap microscope - his response to the microscope "I looove it, I looove it" and this from a little boy who does not get that excited about things. At 6, he needs help with it, but between his mum and I, it is working. he is an interesting little guy - excells in math in Grade 2. likes to look at words backwards, and is fascinated by science, Em is a good all around student and a delightful, cheerful loving, person. Sean has been going through some personal stuff and come through to the other side and is doing well. Am I a proud grandma, You Bet!!!
New Years is another hard time as you don't want to start a new year without them It feels wrong, and that you are leaving them behind, when they "should" be coming with you and it can trigger your grief.
Be gentle with yourselves, memorialize your loved one in some way - a special candle to be lit at "those" times, music that has special meaning, a donation to a fav charity, photos - I have my collections of sad songs that I listen to when I need to get those feelings out, and a Gordie candle that I light and my fav picture in a place where I can see it easily. It helps to replace the memories of him in hospital. The mental images of them when they are going down can be very hard.
On a different note to those who know, I finally opened a certain Christmas card and some one redeemed themself a little - just a little.;)
But this morning she put her hearing aids in by herself ... I hope the 4x6 index card I taped to her bathroom mirror helped. I wrote four rules about those hearing aids: no water, use gel, open them up, wear them daily. Maybe I need to post 4x6 index cards all over the house.
Has anyone done that? Put notes up about certain things. I was thinking of making a list of what clothes to wear and in what order (bra, top, panties, stockings, pants, shoes) and posting that in the huge walk-in closet she changes her clothes in. I was wondering if anyone else has done that? And if you have, was it successful or will you tell me to save my index cards for studying?
What do you think? Should I try it? I am thinking "nothing ventured, nothing gained" but I also do not want to offend her.
Today the cleaning lady comes. I was a bit more conscientious about my room. The last two weeks of school and the week before Christmas left this room a total disaster ha ha so last night I watched two Christmas movies and for four hours cleaned, threw things out, hung clothes up, decided what clothes to donate, etc etc etc. Finally a bit tidied up...feels good!
Then I hope to bring my filing cabinet into my room instead of the garage where I could file while watching tv or on the computer. I do have filing to do...don't we all? Don't we all have so much to do and not enough hours in the day?
I hope some of you get a chance to clean up the things that need cleaning up, to throw things out we do not need, and file things for another day when we really do need it.
SDPeg
I don't clean.....I'm allergic to brooms, vacuums and dust mops......:)