This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
mis - waiting to hear how things went today - look after you -nice grandma stories
jam -the plans sound good
notlike -think you arae right about mum's behaviour getting worse - one day at a time and remember you are NOT the problem - hope the massage went well I plan on one soon
stormy - a life alert would be great if dad wants it -especially if he is up doing more for himself
dede good to hear from you again
seeme -hard days I know - you did a stellar job with your mum (((((hugs)))))
carol - i was in the cave and then decided i would decorate it - you know make lemonade from lemons - if you can't go on a real trip you can always go on a fantasy one
sdpeg - yes carve out some me time - keeps us going -
(((((lyn))))) u r going through some tough things with a great attitude - that disease is such a thief - keep us updated -it must be so hard to see the decline in your hubby
cmag -thinking of you and your wife ((((hugs)))) and prayers for both of you
maya -has something happened to the new computer?
ros -AKA headbanger 2 - thought after all that wine your head might not want to be banged - only place is to go up or throw up sorry my mind is flying tonight and haven't had any wine
everyone -hope things are good
speaking of going on trips - G and I are going north for new Years - Fort Chip and Fort Smith - not sure how good an idea it is to be in one of those hotels where the walls feel like they are made of cardboard and a hook and eye keeps your door closed - almost -and they shoot their rifles off to bring in the New Year, but it will be a different experience. I have been to both places before and had a class in Fort Chip - a couple if people there I would love to connect with again. To cross the rivers you drive on ice bridges - which can get banged up around the edges by semi trucks driving up the banks too fast. Everyone drives in the middle of the road at high speed and there are lots of curves so I prefer going at night because you can see the headlights coming. You used to have to drive across the lake and the ice would start to oscillate because the big trucks went to fast. - you could see it heaving. and the road was like a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs that left your stomach behind. The kids loved it. Thankfully it is better now. Once you are north of Chip the quality of the snow changes. I hope to get some pics. Now as long as a buffalo doesn't take a nap on the road we will be fine - you just have to wait them out
so have a good night everyone
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
The second time we went up we brought my aunt Ellen with us and grandma was happy to see her.
We got to talk to Barb, she came on Fridays and told her what happened and Barb is coming to see her tomorrow.
jam, ladeeda, emjo, ro, stormy, notlike, and anyone else I hope things are going well in your neck of the woods. Good night everyone!!!
Ps
emjo - sounds like your trip will be fun. Driving across the ice is something I wouldn't do. I watched Ice Road Truckers too many times. Have fun and Happy New year to you.
Once we were up there and I stopped at a house to ask directions to a relative's house. The lady told me."She lives up by Uncle Aphonses's -and waved her arm up the hill, You must know where he lives, He has lived there all his life!
I just called a guest house operation and booked a cabin. I asked her where I could get a map to find a place. She said "Oh, Fort Smith is small, you won't have any trouble finding it".
As long as there isn't a blizzard!
Life in the north!!!
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Stormy , i don't think your Dad is trying to put guilt on you. I think he feels he can be by himself and doesn't understand why you don't feel the same. Your Dad seems to have his faculties. We know you are trying to keep him safe. Just as the daycare is keeping me Mom safe. As Scarlett O'Hara said" Tomorrow is
another day". Good night all.
Carol
carol, sorry you got upset - are you on any antidepressants or other meds?may be something to help you with that frustration. it is a really tough job and not good if you feel you could hurt yourself.
I would say just go to the Day care anyway. Hope you can put into practice some of the stress relievers the social worker suggested
emjo-thanks, it's good to remember I'm not the problem. The massage was wonderful! Hope yours is good too. Didn't get to the movie, but we had dinner and did a bit of shopping. Good day. I thought I lived in the Frozen Tundra! Drive on a frozen lake? No way! I feel so southernly compared to that. LOL
allshe-Did you take some time for yourself when your Aunt was out?
carol-Sometimes when we're frustrated, we hurry. And the ones we care for can make a big production out of an accidental tug or pull when undressing. We don't mean harm, but it doesn't look that way. It's good the daycare is so concerned, it must be a very good place. Maybe try focusing on the piece of clothes you are working on..just think of the coat. Then think of the sweater. Then the boots, ect. If you think too far ahead, it seems like a long time before the coat ever gets off. And you said you were nervous, so that didn't help. You are human and it showed. What mother hasn't accidentally tugged a sleave or dragged a snap over a squirming child's head, trying to get them dressed? If you need a minute, just leave the coat on until you're ready to deal with it. I feel for you...as I nurse I've helped alot of people get dressed/undressed, and it doesn't always go smoothly. That does not make you a bad person! Hugs.
Notlike - how far north are you? I have been here over 30 years,
Thought I would check in before I start my day and wish a good day for everyone!
Carol....if Mom is clean, fed and her basic needs are being met then you have nothing to worry about. I know it makes you feel like you are standing on a giant stage with a huge floodlight on you when an event occurs with Mom........one of these days I will tell you the story of "pillow therapy".......but until these ignorant people have walked for an hour in your care giving shoes they should mind their own business. Those on the outside don't have a clue what goes on inside......and I don't mean just the non-care givers....I'm talking other care givers also. That's why everyone congregates to sites such as this. It's unfortunate though as care givers, we have to watch what we say and do, because there are others who THINK they are experts and can cause one a lot of grief. People have made it so that it's difficult to express our frustration and loss of patience. Maybe if care givers were allowed to act like the humans we are, and express our emotions, there wouldn't be so much dependency on chemical interventions. "Here, don't be frustrated because your parent is eating pingo again or hasn't bathed in 6 months, take another pill".......AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
ladee.......the weather today is in the 60's here.....now next week it may be freezing again....only in MO, right ASG?
Okay, need to hit the shower.........will check back with everyone later.
Happy Trails,
Jam
When you are flying, and the stewards are giving you instructions about the oxygen masks, they always say if you are traveling with children and the masks come down, PUT YOURS ON FIRST......you can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.......so anyone in stess........just breathe.........
Carol
aavated
Big (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) joan
Ro, you have had one damned long year, many upsets, and in a way I am glad Mama is quite for a little while, gives you some breathing room.... but you are really sounding depressed.... is is med time maybe? Just to help you for awhile? None of us are going to get exrta for killing ourself....
Seeme, hope you are feeling a little better, just one damned long holiday wasn't it!!!
Jam hope yesterday wasn't too hard for you, I was thinking of you....
emjo, not talking about all that cold stuff....
ASG, happy to hear Auntie got out for awhile and was tired when she got back, hope you relaxed for awhile
Lyn, it really doesn't matter what others think you should do, this is your husband, and I have complete faith that you will do what needs to be done... if he is sounding better, that is a good sign... some of the meds work a miracle... you did the right thing by placing him and finding out that maybe meds will help... and all your training does not work with Alz... as I say many times, at different levels, they do not live in our world anymore... they can not be taught or encourged to "reason", and they can not be taught new things... we are the ones constanlty learning new ways to deal with the affects of Alz....
As a rule Sonny is very easy going... but this morning when he was getting dressed and I was starting breakfast, something told me to go check on him.... he already had his shoes on and was trying to put his jeans on.. at first he got a little angry when I said, "let's try this"... so I stopped, put my hand on his leg for a few seconds and said, it's ok, It's really something very simple that we can fix... Ok??? Kept my hand on him for a few more seconds until it passed. Then he mangaged to do it himself... so I was able to say, see!!! You had it all figured out.... but as I said, he is very easy going... I have worked with some , Ruth, that was like your hubby.... I got a broken leg out of the deal.... and she needed the same thing you so lovingly provided for your hubby... That is love Lynn.... not only did you and your son need a break, but allowing him to be observed and given chemical help, it provides him with a better quality of life also.... so it doesn't matter what others think.... you are doing great.....
Ok, gotta go get the Diva some cheese, I am tired of her staring at me.... love and angels to all my friends.....
Lynn, how long will they keep your husband?. I think you will be better able to make a decision when you have seen consistent behavior. I'm so sorry that the aggression is towards your son; so hard for him.
Everyone has a story and it seems this is the place to tell them as others will listen and not judge. The people here understand and don't question.I am hurting and others here know how that hurt feels. I sometimes feel I can 't go on but I know I have not got a choice. Okay good friends; have a good night and let's look forward to tomorrow.
Need time but not at the expense of my parents.
Not like...dad is basically on palliative care. He was with hospice fr a year untile he progressed...we may be heading back that way soon. Just trying to keep them comfortable and out of pain.
Just real sad right now. Hubby took me it to our little unique town square..we went to the bookstore for awhile and now we are in the yogurt shop...appropriately called Ya Yas. ...still my mind is on my daddy.
Love you all will check in soon. Just needed to vent a few minutes.
Venting...too much build up for after the holidays when sis & the girls leave. Would like something at least close to normal for awhile.