This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Mis- I talked to sis about the life alert, I was worried that she would say no to it, but she didn't she said that we can get it and try it out. Thank you for offering it to us. We do appreciate it! How is your grandma doing? Any improvements since the stroke. My prayers are with you and her!!!
Emjo-Ros- thank you for your concern. Yes, he has been through the ringer.
Jam-Ladee- in response to my other post the other day about the life alert and sis feeling guilty if something should happen to our father on her watch. I know she is probably thinking that too. Because when my mom died she had congestive heart failure and she woke up one morning and couldn't breathe. My dad called sis and told her and sis rushed to their house to get the oxygen tank started for her and she was trying cpr on mom but it was too late. And i know sis feels some sort of guilt over not being able to save mom. She has told me this. So i know she is thinking that history could repeat itself with dad. Well I hope everyone has a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! My love and Hugs to you all!!!! Stormyyyy
stormy your more than welcome.
As far as grandma goes she didn't eat much last night and was sleeping. They said this is normal when someone has a brain bleed. They just got her on comfort meds now. Been dealing with the sil that didn't come around much and barely called. I told Rob that I'm not keeping any promises, but I'll Try to be nice. I know this isn't the time to raise a some caine, but it's coming. Sil is trying to make up for lost time, but it's a little too late for that.
I want you all to know that its a joy for me to come in here when i'm feeling a little down. You all make me laugh at things and give me so much encouragement when i needed it the most, so Thank-you. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year 2012.
SDPeg.....I have been the chosen one all my life. I didn't ask for it, didn't really want it, but I couldn't do anything about it. I have even yelled at my older sister for not being around us more since she was the oldest and it should have fallen to her. My husband is the first boy in his family and as such, his dad made him the chosen one, much to the dismay of his older sister. But the baby is the favorite. Not having any children of my own, I can't relate to it or determine why this happens, but it does. But as Rosella said, you can't change the past. But how you remember being raised is your reality as it was. Why let this change your memories? Why does it matter? Can't fix it and maybe he didn't ask for it either.
It galls the older sister and my mother's older siblings that my mother and I have gotten closer over the years. Part of it was of necessity as her conditions seemed to multiply and worsen. Part of it was simply filling a void that siblings helped create by being absent from her life in any meaningful way. They didn't want to be involved when she needed. It is particularly upsetting to them that they no longer get to dismiss me as nothing but a servant, so their days of ordering me around as such are over. I put my foot down and told them ALL no.
If I told you that my mother's older sister actually pulled a sofa out to show me where I had missed cleaning the baseboard, would you believe me? It truly did happen. And yet, the storm didn't hit until I caught the woman snooping through drawers and rooms where she had no business being. I called her on it and when she began to argue with me, she awakened my mother. Then, she got caught in some lies that she'd told because when I asked her about them, she didn't have enough time to think up anything to excuse it. Oops. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, huh? And maybe she should respect the fact that she's a guest and not get into our business. Who knows? Maybe my older sibling sent her snooping since she doesn't seem to have a problem doing so either. My mother's sister stormed out, went to a hotel and called my sibling's husband to come and rescue her, instead of being an adult and staying to deal with what she'd said and done. Oh, poor baby, wasn't she?
Turns out that my mother was just as tired of her sister's ways as I was. Next time her sister showed up unannounced from out of town, my mother told her that she needed to apologize to me for the way she'd acted and the things she'd said. When she told my mother that she wasn't going to apologize to me for anything, my mother told her to leave, that she was not welcome. She left in tears with clinched fists at me.
And geez, I even drove down to the pharmacy so that my mother could visit with her without my being there, but even then, her sister had to show her fanny. My mother finally stopped being the five year old that her sister seemed to believe she was and stood up to the woman.
I was actually kind of proud that she stood her ground.
Seeme, sorry you are down with a cold....guess your body is just tore down from everything you have been thru this past year.... take it easy, and stay warm.....
mis, I am sorry the drama queen is there making empty and meaningless noise... and trust yourself... maybe you will get to say something after all is said and done... or you will decide she is not worth your dignity..... some people only see the world in how it is about them, so nothing you say will change anything, just come here and tell us what you would like to tell her, you'll get it out... won't cause any problems....and you'll feel better....
I think today is the day to share with you mis, about something that happened when I was caring for Ruth.... she had last stage Alz. and was one aggresive hand full. One night she was going to leave the house, all the doors had key locks on them so she wasn't going anywhere, but she had paced the floor for hours... angry, angry, angry, speaking German and just wearing me out.... I went to try and settle her one more time and in the process she fell, she had bones like steel, so after trying to check her out with her kicking and screaming, I decided to change her pants while she was down.... so I take the depends down, and to my astonishment..... she had three table knives and a banana in her pants...... now I thought I had been watching her all this time.. apparently not.... but I know the look on my face was a Kodak moment..... threw all the 'contraband' away and immedietly got on the sight.... that is definatly something I had to share with other caregivers... I got the nickname Chiquita for awhile(this was on another thread) and needless to say we had fun with this for quite awhile....So when you get on overload you can just picture sil with a banana in her pants.....
Stormy, hope dad is doing better today.... and glad to hear sis is at least willing to try the life alert....too bad she feels like she is responsible for your moms death, I personally feel God is in charge of that, regarless of what humans attempt to do to prolong it... just my opinion....but at the same time I can understand how she feels...
I know I haven't addressed everyone this morning... I'm out of smokes, and sorry, that is priorty....... gotta go and will check back in later....hugs and angels......
Checking in before I go back to doing what I was.....NOTHING.....lol.
Let's see, I think seeme still has the crown for posting #1000...maybe it's time to pass the crown to emjo for 5000? This is a very ornate crown.......and is whatever you want to make it in your mind......from dripping with jewels to just plain gold....but it has to be 24K gold.....only the best for us!!
We've all have had time to reflect back on this year that is ending...and what a year it has been for all of us. Some are learning the trials and tribulations of care giving, some have moved on to new care giving, some have turned the job over to others, there are those who have lost their loved ones and those who continue to be the best care giver possible. The impact that the care giving has had on each of us is different but we still are able to come here and share our "war stories" and hopefully can walk away having learned a little something new. Some of you are dealing with feelings that are becoming overwhelming and I would like to challenge you to deal with those in such a way that you can see the positives in care giving and not always the negative. Some of you have come to terms with the fact that you can no longer do this job the way you want to.....and there is nothing wrong with that, it's called being human......I notice that word....GUILT....is starting to creep into the conversations. Is there anyone who can give me a valid explanation of why? I am asking you to convince me that your reasons of feeling guilty are valid and the difference in care giving caused by that guilt. I feel that once a person has decided on a course of action, there is no room for feelings of guilt.....convince me I'm wrong please.
This has been one hell of a year for all of us.............and I am sending prayers, angels and hugs to each and every one of you that you start this New Year with some semblance of peace in your hearts and minds. I wish you all health and happiness and well as those whom you are caring for.
Love and Hugs to all my little chicks,
Jam
yes, it has been one long year, and I personally am glad it is coming to an end...too much loss for me this year, Ruth, my nephew Howard, my ability to walk without pain....too many changes in living situations.... from riches to rags, but still grateful for a roof over my head and the ability to not have to depend on anyone....I do have a good job, tho I am burned out and need a break....but who on here doesn't... whether it be family situations, sons with untreated seizures, a park full of illegals... Lord are they having a reunion next door???? Met my neighbor today, at least he can speak English and who knows he may be my future ex husband..... rofl...... NOT....
After he and I chatted for awhile, he said ,you are a very nice lady, my reply, yeah some days I am..... just letting him know...
Got a new book so am going to go read and relax for awhile.. told Jam I am waiting until next year to clean my house...
hugs and angels....
I wish everyone a happy and guilt free New Year in 2012!
The physical labor of care giving is over but my body is so broke down and so is my mind and emotions. I don't know when or if I will recover.
I have my family and job so that still keeps me busy and allows me to not deal with my present dismal state of exsistance.
Oh well, such is life.
I hope you all have a satisfying new year. Peace and prayers
Having said that, I know I'll be able to do it with a heavy heart only because it will be the best thing for Mom - and for us, too. Sometimes, AL is the kindest thing for our loved ones because if we care for them with resentment in our hearts we don't help anyone.
I think honesty with ourselves is the best medicine and a gift we give our loved ones in this circumstance. Certainly, it is a hard pill to swallow.
I hope that I can remember these thoughts when it comes my turn to make the decision. You'll remind me, won't you?
As cmag said, we need a guilt free new year! Be safe tonight, everyone!
May 2112 also be F.O.G. free!
Stormy best wishes about dad and brother, I know you are strong, really your plate is full, now...
Good night and have a nice evening, everyone!
From the email I receive from this site. This is very interesting, eye opening, and offers many suggestions. I am sure we all receive this but it bears reposting. I was brought up with all the generational and religious guilt but early on learned the difference between being responsible for my own actions and feeling convicted in my soul if I did wrong. Guilt is not something I do. I do take time to analyze if, as the article explains, will the world survive without me? Ha! Of course it will, it did 58 years ago before I was born and it will after I die.
I found if I look up synonyms for buzz words then I feel better because it takes the power away from the buzz word. Today I put out breakfast for mom and went back to bed. She dislikes eating anyway so lunch is hit and miss and something will get thrown together for dinner. I don't feel guilty; I feel rested.
So my suggestion for 2012 is to remove the power words and people have on us, evaluate ourselves and ask if we feel we are or have done all we can and keep surrounding ourselves with friends that lovingly support us in our times of need.
I know it is difficult to live our lives for others. I did that in my day care for so many years. I don't feel guilty praying my mom's doc places her or gets more help into this house for her because I know I cannot do for her what she needs done. It is in knowing MY limitations that allows me to reach out and find those that can and are willing to help so that mom gets the care SHE needs. That's my focus. If I am in school and she is alone and fearful, someone needs to come in to be with her because I certainly am NOT going to stop going to school simply because she has an issue of being alone. That's her challenge, as my counselor told me, and it is not my problem to solve. Mom and I can solve it together. I can offer help to come in, if she says no to that idea, then I leave and she is alone in her own fears. That's her choice.
I brought my children up with choices, consequences to those choices, and that's what I continue to do in my own life and others. It is your choice to do what you do in your given situation as it is my choice to do what I do in mine. I choose to continue my education as my mom chose to live her life and placed her mom. Although she says she wished she could have done things differently she lived her own life. And that's what I choose to do. I will continue to care for my mom in ways that I am able to do and really can't do much more than that. We all reach a point where we have to make the choices that puts our own lives first because long after these loved ones are gone, we will still be here. And I don't want to be so broken and bitter than I then become a burden on someone else.
The article is great. I learned a lot. Consider the repost a gift from me. Hope you glean what you need from it as well.
Embracing the new year as our friendships flourish.
SDPeg
Do you know how great she is at finding the fun in dysfunctional?
Big Hugs to all.
For my twentieth birthday, my mother went to a Vanity Fair outlet and bought some new underwear for me for my birthday. She sent it to me via her oldest because I was living away from my parents in another state. It was just pretty underwear, but it was anything but plain white cotton. It wasn't sleazy, it just wasn't anything my cousins would have been allowed by their mothers in their underwear drawers. It didn't even come close to anything from Victoria's Secret, but you'd have thought it was. To some of them, it was scandalous and it mean that I was really a slut and was keeping a secret life on the side.
I'm serious as a heart attack. They actually thought that back then and they're still convinced they're still right. One of them asked my mother to tell her the truth, that my mother had really bought it for herself and passed it along to me. Except, as my mother pointed out, if she'd have bought it for herself, it would have had to be several sizes larger than it was. The cousins really went to town with their speculation. And their speculation took on a life of its own. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be sneaking around with every man out there. One of my uncles even asked me if I was in love with his son. Uh, no. That's just nasty, you know.
The truth of the matter is that the only time I was EVER away from relatives was the eight hours I worked. I was dropped off at work by a cousin and I rode home from work with a cousin. I lived at my aunt's house. I lived a very chaste and celibate life and yet, my underwear just had to mean that I was a slut, don't you know?
I guess they had to speculate about something. I wasn't desperately seeking a husband like one was. Nor was I talking to a married man every single afternoon and telling my parents that he was just calling about my car.
Ever know anyone who gave their father money to go and order flowers for her on Valentine's Day? I know someone in the cousins who actually did that because she didn't want her co-workers to know that she didn't have a boyfriend. Sorry, but I was never that desperate.
And they run their mouths about me....
Maya, because I have nothing to do with my family I have no idea what they say about me, but my attitude is if they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone for a little while....
So here is hoping we have some great and positive adventures this next year.... I felt like I had been a very long race this past year, and it is finally over.... I won because I perservered.... but am going to have more fun this next year... I am tired of being a "grown up" all the time....and I know some question that last statement, but I am a grown up when I have to be... just going to eliminate some of the "have to be's".....
hugs and angels
I moved here for my mother's quality of life to improve. It cut down the distance between my younger siblings and us to less than half of what it was before. It's an easy trip for both of them to make, but we haven't seen either of them. Nor have we seen any of their grown children. Distance was their excuse before we moved, but I fail to see what their problem is now.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have moved my mother and had to start over with all new doctors, all new everything, especially considering her age and physical conditions. I surely would not have put myself in the position of having to deal with the speculation that the cousins do in their own minds, speculation that they spread around like stinky manure on a garden.
FOG free for sure. or working on it
((!(((hugs)))))
maya - some stunted growth there for sure with your cousins - why don't you send flubby, tubby and no-tail each a pair of cheap naughty panties for an anonymous present - I would love to see their faces - yes, find the fun in dysfunctional - this has gone on too long -sometimes you just gotta break loose
once I told my sister a guy had kissed me and she told mother "something" so next thing mother told me to marry the guy and have his child - like WT? - just plain nasty and many more examples like that - BTDT and have cut myself off
I know if you are from a normal family it is hard to understand the feelings that things bring up, as it is hard for me who is from a dysfunctional family to understand how "normal" families work as well as they do.
An outhouse story to bring in the New Year - the road north has been improved and now there are a few tin, unlit, unheated, outhouses along the way. This is a huge improvement and what's more they have toilet paper in them!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I was so excited about the toilet paper that in the dark, (unlit) I didn't realise that they had lids too, ..... so... you can guess the rest and I had to clean it up .Oh Lord!
save me from myself and keep me laughing at me - my prayer fpr the new year.
G just handed me a freshly made plate of ham, eggs, and a waffle and wished me happy New year. I think I can live with that.
have a good one
Happy new year everyone! It is a state of mind to make it happy despite the all the stuff we go through dad to day..siblings cousins... Especially our loved ones that we care for. For me guilt comes from when I don't think I am doing a job well enough..so I have to look in the mirror and say I am to the best that I can. God is beside me in front of me and behind me taking care of me...so who am I to feel guilt. It does rear its ugly head..
We came home to mom and dad this morning..mom is emotionally drained she had good time with brother. And dad was confused abut where he is..he says that looks like our table , this house is as pretty as ours..etc... Don't know what is going on. Hope it isn't a UTI. He is on the toilet right now and I can't get a straight answer it of him. Poor papa.. Hate to see him this way but we have to take it one day at a time! Respite was good, it was so nice to be at home and lay like slugs...
I just caught up on all posts...praying for all of you..decisions and pain ...love and struggles. This too shall pass. Have to take it a moment at a time. Love and prayers
Vic: glad you were able to have some respite. That is all too important. Let us all be blessed this year with many hours of respite.
Emjo: funny!!!!
Last night I was blessed to resolve a past issue with a cousin. There was a misunderstanding almost 50 years ago ... she opened her heart and told me her perspective of what happened and I gave her my perspective, I apologized for hurting her feelings and we are good now. Open and honest communication is what relationships are all about. We have always lived miles apart, one on one coast and one on another, but we are praying we meet up in 2012 to solidify our new bond.
Wanted to start the new year on a very happy note.
Yes I lounged and slept alot (fatigue from finals and holidays caught up with me). Mom IS quite capable of getting her own food, chose not to, and ate breakfast because I put it out, perhaps did something for dinner. She used to get all her own meals before we returned to this house in March; I am hoping she will resume her task. Her breakfast is usually graham crackers, lunch has routinely been some cookie and a good dinner that Dad would take her out to. Things have changed. Although she is financially able to eat out all the time, I don't have the time/energy to go out. So perhaps she ate yesterday and perhaps she didn't. Even when food is placed in front of her she does not eat it so this issue didn't bother me enough to get me up and out of bed. The pace I was keeping with being full time student AND caregiver has caught on with me. So today I will rest as well. I already put out her breakfast and her rxs.
She has a weigh in on the 13th and although doc said to gain weight and get healthy, my mom has lost about 3 pounds since October. The proof is in the pudding as the saying goes ... doc will make her recommendations. I can lead this horse to water but I cannot make her drink ... so life goes on ... I just want quality of life for her but if she does not want that as well, it is a lost cause.
The Twilight zone has a marathon this weekend ... sometimes that's where I am living in. ha ha
Hope all is well as we enjoy the blessings 2012 will bring us.
Do your best and to God leave the rest.
God bless you, SDPeg