This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
yearight........I hope you sign on again at least one more time since we would like to send our condolences on your loss. Give yourself time to heal physically and mentally and know that hugs and prayers are sent to you.
ASG....good to read from you! We shot off a couple of fireworks last night, then went to bed like all old folks do...lol. I've already had one nap today....going to make it two shortly.
Hope everyone is enjoying the first day of a great new year for all of us! I can already see some changes and it promises to be interesting. The col has decided she needs a new car...........she can't tell us how she will drive it, but she just knows she needs to get a new one since she will be coming home soon and won't have to bother us with picking her up. Oh my goodness......as I've said before, the light is on but ain't nobody home......:)
Nap time has arrived........will check back later to see how everyone's day went.
Happy Trails,
Jam
And do you have arrangements made, if she is placed somewhere, regarding your own living conditions if you are living in her house? Aways something to think about.............
And Happy New Year to Everyone. My headcold has gone to my throat on the way to bronchitis. Will be calling the doctor in the morning..............later...........
Vic-glad you enjoyed your respite. You deserve it.
Rossell-I am thinking about what you wrote to Peg about not being able to change the mentality of people. it hit home.
Emjo-what a wonderful break - even if it means going further north!
Stormy-your brother, father, and you are in my prayers.
SDPeg-so glad you connected with your cousin! And what you wrote about our charges making their own choices with consiquenses also hit home.
Mayasbop-I cringed when I read about pulling out the sofa to check the baseboards. My mom hasn't done that, but my level of cleaning has been in question since she moved in. As well as the way i dress, drive, cook, well you get the idea. I will NOT be cleaning the baseboards anytime soon, but I will laugh the next time she starts in on me. And maybe leave some of my better sleeping wear (not really for sleeping!) laying around just to see her reaction. If your family could go on that long about underwear, it would be a hoot here. (JK) Smiles and hugs.
I like having something to call how I feel these days, and FOG works. I am mostly still in the fear part of it, I think. But I know I have done some brave things in my life, and can do them again. I don't make resolutions, but I will be working on being braver this year. I think it will make all the rest of this easier.
After my sis and her girls had left, we got a call that Dad's 1/2 brother is dying of lung cancer and going to hospice. Because of family dynamics, Dad didn't even ask Mom to go with him. Maybe he's getting wise. It was actually nice to see my aunts after 20 years. God bless my dad and I hope he is able to keep these relationships now when he really needs them.
One more day off work, which I will use to start putting my house back in order. And I get to sleep in my own bed tonight! I miss sis and the girls, but it really will be nice to be off that cot. :)
One of my arms doesn't extend out any longer due to a shattered elbow and the complications from it. And there's always the broken back I got when I was thrown from a horse. I have to take things a little at a time.
That being said, I make sure that my mother has what she needs and then, if I have any energy left, I do the rest. I can't let myself worry too much about cleaning like the queen (as she seemed to believe she was) is coming. My mother has clean clothes, her meds, good food to eat and my company for as long as I can do it. I still have boxes in the living room to unpack, but getting her bedroom and the equipment she uses on a daily basis came first.
Speaking of housework, does anyone HATE glass topped tables as much as I do? I told my mother's sister-in-law that if they'd been mine, I'd have taken a hammer to them long ago. Wood is a whole lot easier to take care of and a whole lot more forgiving when you just poop out.
And if they saw the black peignoir, they'd really have a fit. So, maybe I put that and the purple negligee out for the cousins to take a gander at. What do you think?
One of my cousins thinks that even a husband shouldn't see his wife naked, so I let a little tidbit drop on the subject. She actually got a little angry that anyone would do such a thing.
Glad you are getting to sleep in your own bed tonight, and what a sweetie you are for giving up your bed.... also glad you had a good time with them there....now back to the grind for us... I am glad the holidays are over, and we have new opportunities to do some things different this year... live and learn....
burned, good to hear from you, sounds like some things are making a slow turnaround for you.... I know it has been rough for you.... hope you get some help with those migraines... keep in touch.....
Seeme, sorry you are feeling so bad... you are just so worn down from everything... hope you get in with the Dr... let us know how you are feeling tomorrow....
It is finally quite, called the cops again... had been hearing that mess since 10 this morning.... now my head doesn't feel like it is going to explode...
talk to ya'll tomorrow.. hugs and angels....
And when I hit my forties and began to see some lines around my eyes and mouth, I stopped wearing a ton of makeup. It just settled in them and made them look worse than they really were. I also grew my hair down to my fanny just because I could. Those are just two more of the issues they have with me.
Like I really care how I look to a checker in a grocery store....
maya - not a great picture for your mum - sorry ur hip is hurting and mum is just not feeling good
((((((hugs)))))) to all -I know you are facing the same problems -=as you werre in december
hoping for a decent day for everyone and wondering how a few are who haven't posted -Lyn - how are things going? I know this has been a tough Christmas for your family
Year Right - hope you do post more = others whose charges have passed do and I know we all would like to hear how you are doing - it is all part of the picture
cmag thinking of you and your wife
(((((hugs))))) to all and hope this goes through - home tonight and can't wait to get these aching bones into a hot bath
jo
I guess I am still a little confused this morning on some things and still bothered that the message I'm trying to convey here can't be done subtly. So point blank questions it will be. On that note.............
The Dictionary definition of Dementia is: This condition is generally caused by deterioration of brain tissue… Major characteristics include short- and long-term memory loss, impaired judgment, slovenly appearance, and poor hygiene. Dementia disrupts personal relationships and the ability to function occupationally.
Does this sound familiar? I know it does to me, I have been dealing with it for over 2 years now. And yes, the situation got to the point where physically I couldn't do the job anymore, so placement was made. And it was the best thing to do for the col.
I didn't need a physician to tell me that the col was suffering from dementia.....it was obvious from my daily interaction with her. And guess what? It's not a physician's job to make placements for your loved one...........they can make suggestions and recommendations, but the final authority is the person who holds the POA.
Peg......it sounds to me.......and I'm taking this by what little we really know about your mother.....some aggressive intervention needs to be done. It's apparent the Paxil is not doing it's job and she needs some nourishment. And she needs to be placed now so that you are able to deal with the issues you had growing up. Your anger is interfering in your ability to care for her....after all she IS #1 here.......have you thought of the fact that brother placed her and then moved away? Must have been a reason for that. You say you have another place to live? Then why do you keep putting off what obviously needs done? I did it in one day.....in a town with a population of less than 10,000 with only one decent home.........Now if there is something here I am not seeing, please enlighten me......because from what I am reading I have a very heavy heart today.
Hope the work day beginning of this glorious year is perfect for all of you!
Happy Trails,
Jam
He did not place my mom ~ he put her in independent living too soon after losing my dad which is why I will not do anything rash at this time. Her doc will not push my mom into another change that is too soon after the many changes she has experienced in the past 15 months. Too many changes at one time is too detrimental to anyone. The symptoms of dementia are also symptoms of many others things including thyroid and stroke. The doc is trying to rule things out. The anger I feel is not from childhood it is now learning what has occurred in the past 25 years or so. Giving someone like my brother control of many things including finances is NOT a good idea with the mental problems he has. Those contributing factors add to this situation.
What I am doing is cooperating with the doctor in order for my mom to know that everyone has done everything that they can in order to help her have quality of life. The break I am taking these days is not harming her, she knows I do a lot and says I need the rest. She is not being neglected. I am a full time student and full time caregiver and resting and not running around for three days won't hurt her and is replenishing me. What I am doing is taking care of me, still taking care of her, and recognizing what i cannot change.
Without POA my hands are tied. And she will NOT change the POA because she says "that's the way Dad wanted it". I am doing all in my power to make life nice for her without selling my soul to the task of taking care of another as many on this site have done. I learned from others on this site to continue to have my life, continue my education, and not to give up my life goals. After my mom joins my dad (which every day she says she wants to) I will go on.
I do not have the power to place her at all. With further tests the doc will have a clear picture on what to propose to the family in regard to my mom. She is in love with my mom, wants her to have a good life, was in love with my dad and grieves his loss as well.
One day at a time, one step at a time, and I am doing the best I can in taking care of me first so that I can care for others. I like the illustration someone posted, if I don't use that oxygen mask in an airplane first, i cannot help anyone else. And that's what these few days are ... taking care of me ... so that others can be cared for as well.
Each morning I put out her breakfast, if she eats it, she eats it (lifelong eating disorder manifested after the trauma of losing my dad, moving out of the this house they shared for 10 years, and my brother taking control of her finances that she did for 65+ years). I also prepare lunch and dinner. The doc knows what I do for my mom, knows there are many reasons for her behavior (it would have been helpful if she would have stayed in grief counseling but she did not) and is diligently researching all areas to rule out some and embrace others.
In the meantime, I will continue doing what I am doing. The emotions I feel are real and I accept them and they do vary from day to day as we all know.
I willingly accepted this role, my mom asked that I stay with her, I will do that as long as possible. I will do that until her doctor tells the family she needs more care. I choose not to make the impulsive change to place her (without the POA that I have mentioned not having before). I will follow the steps necessary that the doctor wants me to follow so that everyone's butt is covered legally.
And I will continue to post here my frustrations with my hands tied by not having POA and mom's unwillingness to give it to me. I will continue to post how sad it is that only one person has the power to do things for my mom but chooses not to. I will continue to post the fun mom and I have, the smiles she makes, and the stories I record on my new camcorder. You see, I felt this way about my Dad: those that promised to stay and abandoned him, they did not hear the stories he told, they did not have the last moments with him, they did not have the conversations about newspaper articles, the comic page, the people in the neighborhood. My brother may have POA over my mom, but my mom and I share her life now...the joy of winning the jackpot at the casino, the tradition of putting up and taking down the Christmas decorations, the interactions latter on in life that mean more now than they did before. I have the best of the best with or without a diagnosis of dementia, thyroid, stroke etc. I have my mom ... that's more than my brother can say. He may have the POA and full control of all assets but I have the person who gave me birth, the one who raised me to be the woman I am today, the mom who is still inside the grieving shell. I miss my dad as well and we have that in common. Too many changes is harmful for anyone and the longer the time it takes to place my mom the more time she has to gain strength to accept that change. I respect her doctor for knowing how important that is. SDPeg