This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
yes vic, tnanks we had a good time. i will be posting some pics on facebook -though didn't get any of the ice bridges -just wanted to get past them ASAP ;)
Today was my wife's big day at Duke Hospital. First of all, the nurse practitioner had scheduled my wife's appointment with her and another mammogram far too close together in the afternoon. Due to the nurse practitioner being so far behind in the schedule, my wife got her mammogram done first and gave them CD's of her previous mammogram's from a few weeks ago and from last year. Actually, that worked out for the best both time wise and what she learned. It was all good news and it looks like a very low probability concerning getting a biopsy done.
We learned enough to question ever having her mammograms done where we live again and to question my wife staying with her primary physician. Evidently, the people here do not know the difference between breast calcification and evidence of breast trauma which my wife experienced in the fall of 2010 when her air bag diploid and her seat belt tightened up in a car accident. Thus, the left breast is where those folks and her primary physician wanted her to have a biopsy done. What they missed seeing was just a little breast calcification in the right breast.
The breast cancer specialists at Duke want to look further back at her mammograms to see if they need to do a biopsy on the right breast or not. We are all thankful for today's results. We saw the nurse practitioner after the mammogram was done. She was the last one seen.
Tomorrow, we go to see about some weakness in her right foot and leg as well as some really bad carpal tunnel in her right wrist.
Thanks for your prayers and support. :)
Love, hugs to all and to all a good night
I am amazaed at all the dysfunctional families we come from. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw years ago: A big lecture hall with a banner saying "Welcome childen of normal parents" and only two people sitting in the whole place. LOL I can read the respect everyone has for each other on this site, because we are all doing the same job. I learn something new each time.
Thanks for the support for last night. So much for being brave...I just gave up and told her I had no idea what the doctor was talking about. I feel awful for not telling her the truth. Truly dysfunctional and not much fun. I got home from work late because of traffic, spent 2 hours with hubby sorting out bills, got snipped at as soon as she came in the house, spent over an hour discussing the new household expense breakdown and posible radiation treatment with her and Dad, and I just couldn't anymore. That was my whole night. I know this will catch up to me, but for now, there is what passes for peace. I will live to fight (get yelled at) another day.
I am happy she is doing so well physically. She's in an "up" phase with Dad...spening more time with him, being nicer to him, ect. I'm going to let him enjoy it. I thought she was coming here to die, and she will, but not as soon as I had thought. So I have to learn how to live with her.
Good day all!
I vow for 2012 NOT to play their game anymore. It has only been a year that I have really, really been aware of the game they play. And this year, no thanks. I am done. If my mom wants to lie to my brother about what she and I do then that's HER lie and not mine. If he wants to believe her because it makes me the bad guy then that's his problem. I am checking out of this game. I will no longer play. I don't have to.
And their relationship has been tighter than tight for more years than I care to count. I have taken a step back from it, analyzed what I can from it, and will be guarded to protect myself but not put forth that much energy into it.
I have had enough therapy to know that we cannot change the past but as you wrote, embrace what we glean from it, accept what we cannot change, and enjo life.
I broke a tooth tonight on a pit in an olive that I was unaware was in it. The jar has the disclaimer "there may be some pits in here" so although a friend said sue the company there is no point. It is a tooth in the front on the bottom and this sucks. I won't have any money to repair it until next week nor is the dental office open until next week (it is on campus and campus is closed ugh!!!). Such is life right? Could be worse. But it still makes me upset. This is a capped tooth so perhaps (I am keeping my fingers crossed) this can be fixed with a nominal fee (I hope, I hope).
Mom has a cold and has slept today. I have made soup and given her cough drops. She gets a cold when she gets her hair colored but chose to tell my brother I took her out new years eve to a party and she wanted to leave and I said no...oh the game people play...I was on FB and this site nye ... venting and chatting! Why oh why do people play these games? I wonder. But then I don't. It serves some purpose in their lives and we can only speculate. I have to laugh though ... I have not gone out on nye for years and years and really am not the party type so that idea is not that appealing to me. I enjoyed watching the TWILIGHT ZONE marathon ... made my family seem a bit tame ... but then again I wonder how many of those episodes were based on true stories ... ha ha. doo doo doo doo
I may try to get some sleep and hope everyone else is resting as well.
Good night/morning!
SDPeg
My dad also enabled my mom to live out her eating disorder (wow...shock to me to realize what was going on all these years) without others seeing. Her doc and I accept the lifelong eating disorder and she labeled it "chronic malnutrition". At this age, intervention for this is not helpful. But it hurts me to see her starve herself into nonexistence.
Family secrets are just now being exposed as well. Unbeknownst to me and my sister is the unhealthy enmeshment my brother has had with my mom and my dad allowed and encouraged it. Icky stuff to realize at this age...icky!!!
My brother could seek help if he wanted to; so could my mom. But they don't; after all, they are perfect you know. I have had counseling and through my therapy I learned my value is not in the games others play but in who God sees me as. I am the apple of his eye. And that's good enough for me.
I look forward to the positive changes that will occur this year. It would not surprise me if mom's doc puts her into assisted living. I see that happening and that's ok with me. I know in my heart I have done everything I am here to do for mom and that's all anyone could ask.
We do find times in our lives that the light is shed onto some of our issues and others times we rest from them. I am sorry for the troubles in your life. I pray for peace for all of us that are battling the demons in our lives from yesterday and those present today. God is in control is my mantra. That gets me through the days and nights of agony. SDPeg
cmag - I am just plain proud of you and the work you have done to get through the emotional maze (mess) from your childhood. (((((hugs))))) to the inner chld and "Well done!" to the inner adult. Your wife is fortunate to have you to help her through her mazes and it sounds like the boys are doing well.
sdpeg - that sounds pretty dysfunctional to me. Dysfunctional doesn't necessarily mean alcohol, fights and divorce. It includes controlling behaviour, family secrets and - a big one - denial.
My experience is 1) that I am still figuring out the family dynamics and how to deal with them, but certainly have made progress to a place that is "safer" for me, and 2) that people can change. I am nothing short of amazed that my sis is organizing mother's 100th. Sis was 75 last year and has never done any of those kind of jobs. They were always given to me and when they weren't exactly as mother wanted, you know who got raged at. One summer she ranted and raged at me hours daily all summer, and into the fall. Nothing like a Borderline Personality Disorder rage. This time I have made myself unavailable. You can only change you, but if you change that can result in a change in the dynamics, though it doesn't always.
Hope everyone got some sleep. I have woken up early again so time for some coffee and then a nap later, Have a good one, all.
Notlike..take care you!
My dyfunctional story...my Dad is an ex-con. Happened before my parents were married and before I was born. Why my Mom married him, except to hold it against him all his life, is a mystery to me. He's an alcholic and my teenage years were not happy. My sister tried to commit suicide. Mom had no friends and often used my sister and I as consulers. We were too young to be put in that position. Dad got sober, and now he's a pretty good guy. Mom got mean. My parents moved in with sis to be babysitters. It gave my Mom identity and purpose after she retired. But the older she got, the less she could do, and the more bitter she became. My sister's been trying to get them to move out for 6 years, but my Mom refused. Having my parents with me is salvation for my sister's family.
My Mom's prognosis is poor. I had thought I could ease her time on earth by giving her a comfortable, caring place to be. I will continue to provide that, even if she doesn't realize how good she's got it.
Thanks again for letting me vent and tell my story. back to work for me now...busy today. Hope everyone has a smooth path today, and if not, we'll be here to help each other over the sharp stones.
Wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing before I start my day. Won't be doing much as I hurt my back 2 days ago moving my dining room around and now I'm very sore. I should know better but when something needs to be done, well I just can't leave it. Went to another furniture store yesterday and found a gorgeous couch and love seat for the living room......and at half the price where we almost bought and the quality is comparable. So in 10 days when it's delivered I get to figure out what to do with the old stuff.
CMag.....great news for your wife. Doesn't it get frustrating when results are read differently? When I had my last mammo they immediately came back in and turned the screen around so I could see what they were looking at....a spot on the right. And from there I was taken for the ultrasound and from there we tried to find a doctor to sign the order for aspiration. Sometimes it pays to be the wife of the head of ER....lol. My primary doctor was off that day, hubby couldn't write the order and it just happened that the doc on shift that day in the ER was a twit. So I had to wait until the next week, but was scheduled with the head of the dept who has hubby's highest respect, so I felt very comfortable. Job done, for another year at least.
stormy....glad to hear brother is doing okay..if having part of your ear removed is okay....but hopefully all was taken care of and you can now educate him on wearing high SPF sun screen......it's not just for sissies! Also, sad to hear that niece has decided to be a felon and steal from family. It sounds like it amounts to thousands and although I can understand the family not wanting to make waves, it is a theft and has caused the almost closing of the family business as well as mental stress. If it were me, I would set the thief down and give her a dollar amount and tell her it's time to start liquidating, didn't you say she owns a boutique, or otherwise start paying back what she stole, or she will be reported to the police, who frown upon felonies being committed. If she isn't stopped, she will just turn to someone or something else. It would be different if she were using the money to keep a roof over her head, or buy food or pay for utilities, but she was partying on Dad's money and your inheritance. Shame on her!
notlike............sometimes the best course is just to turn and not say anything. The last few months the col was still here, there were times I just went about my business with her without saying much because she wanted an excuse to badger me. And now when I look at her I really wish there was something behind those eyes to badger me about! It is obvious the lights are on but no one is home. I tried working with her again yesterday on using her hands to operate her wheelchair and she just can't get it.....I finally gave up.
Going to pay some bills and then enjoy this beautiful weather we are having because it won't last. I hope you all have a good day.....remember when it gets too much just put your fingers in your ears and go lalalalala....for those who know pillow therapy you could try that, although there are some who don't know how to take that in the context it is written.
Happy Trails,
Jam
I love these resolutions. Today I hang out with a girlfriend. Caregiver is coming so mom will be well taken care of during her cold. Time alone or with friends is essential. Wish we all got more of it.
What if find more and more interesting is hearing from our generation about what is or was normal for us growing up. What was normal/functional is what many people experienced or found out later in life was in existence. According to the definition we were all pretty normal as we were all the "norm" ha ha. Thought this was an eye opener as well as the resolutions. We also have to remember that we are not the labels others put on us. I am still the apple of God's eye no matter what people think or say.
dys·func·tion·al
adjective /disˈfəNGkSHənl/
Not operating normally or properly
- the telephones are dysfunctional
Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad
- an emotionally dysfunctional businessman
- dysfunctional families
Stormy I am happy your brother could save most of his ear. I think he can go to a plastic surgeon and have an operation of reconstruction sooner or later. They make miracles nowadays!
Also i wanted to let ya'll know that they do not take off 3/4 of my brother's ear just a round circle about the size of your fingernail. But they did have to go through his ear and he had to have skin graphs on his ear. Well go to get ready to leave from here. My God it's been a long day over here, even lily is ready to get in her travel bag. Hugs stormy
They think that she's got a skin yeast infection all over her abdomen. Of course, she also rubs the side of her stomach all the time in a circle when she's nervous. We'll see if the meds clear that up.
When I told the office nurse that home health isn't allowed to come out on the days that she goes to the doctor per Medicare rules and that she needs the wound vac because wet to dry does NOT wick the fluid out and that infection sets in when the fluid pools at the bottom, my cousin had the temerity to try to grab me to shake me like I had lost it. And no, not once did I EVER become physically aggressive in any way, shape or form, so there was no need to even begin to do that. I was simply sitting in a chair and explaining to yet another new person what works with Mama and what doesn't. After we left, I informed both Mama and my cousin that no one has the right to even think about shaking me because I'm only telling the office nurse the way that home health works and the way that Mama's body does, that unlike the nurses in the family, I've actually been there to see what happens when wet to dry is used and that she won't close without either the wound vac or suturing. I also told my cousin that she either needed to learn to speak up and do what she's sworn that she'll do --- advocate for Mama --- or she needs to stay at home because I can't babysit her too. I don't have time to undo all the kowtowing that nurses are trained to do when my mother's life is at stake.
Then we come home and Mama informs me that she needs two prescriptions filled. The only problem is that one of them was filled two weeks ago and she should have had thirty-two pills left. She swears that she didn't take them, but it would explain why she's been feeling so bad for the last couple of weeks and why her blood pressure has been so low.
I don't know what to think. Mama's mad at me because I don't automatically buy into the pharmacy not filling the prescription properly.
I'm worn out. If Mama doesn't give a flip about whether or not she gets healed, I can't make her. And I told Mama and my cousin that I'm not there to carry purses, coats or machines either, that I'm not a pack mule to be pushed aside by either of them.
I'm so tired, I could cry.
stormy I am with jam - what your niece has done is illegal - plain and simple - and I would charge her. No need to walk on eggshells around her mum or around anyone. I told all my kids that - you do something illegal and I will be the first one to report you. They didn't. It is the natural consequence of committing a crime and, to me, more dreadful as your dad is so ill. Perhaps her parents need to face the realities about her. I know this is hard on you as your sis is in charge of the store so she is the one who should follow up. The thought that family would do that is reeally distressing to you all.
ros - so sorry about your pet loss - once again - you must be wondering when things are going to get better. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) for your hurting heart.
I mentioned there were two books by Kenneth M. Adams. The second one is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest.
Jam, it does get frustrating to see doctors read the same mammogram so differently. I'm glad your situation turned out well. One thing that helped my wife is that the person who did the mammogram and ultra sound was an actual doctor doing it and not a radiologist.
Today was a mixed day of taking my wife to see her neurologist about some things, seeing her threapist, and seeing a doctor about her carpal tunnel. She gave my wife a shot in her right wrist. Then, we rushed home to pick up our son's repaired car and the repairman waited for us to get there by a certain time after 5. Now, this car is in much better shape!
Prayers and hugs for everyone.
Stormy..that really blows...I would be livid and probably open my big mouth in that situation. You all are in prayers!
Maya...what an exhausting day!! Hope you have a better night and that yu can get mom well.
Cmag..whew..glad it was you and not me having to run arund..sounds exhausting but hope wifey iwill be better soon..
Well all..my dear sweet neighbor passed away this afternoon. God Bless him. He isn't suffering anymore.
Ros must have missed post ..so sorry for another pet loss. This year just has to get better. You are in my heart.
I am still at a loss as to how to work things with ssa adminstration and making sure hubby can continue his longterm care...I need some advice regarding how to handle spousal stuff in Az cuz I am at a loss...why does it have to be the ones we love and the ones that back off get greedy and expect some payback after my husband is gone when they care less what i have been doing for the last 5 yrs...I mean some of the stuff is petty who in their right mind doesnt call their brother months and months with no calls..His neices and nephews do not bother he has such a big heart and i hate the fact that he feel has no family cuz of their dysfunctional bs but in many ways he is glad to not deal with it but the major is ssa and keeping his eligibility ...oh well tomorrow is a good day...my son turns 5 tomorrow and i am so happy for his 5th which means pretty soon a quiet house:)