This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And yes, there's a story about feak and weeble. I'll tell it sometime soon.
When they were teenagers, my mother and her younger brother traveled via bus to their older brother's first wedding. A little old lady got on the bus and asked my uncle if he would please put her bag into the rack above. She told them that she couldn't do it herself because she was "so feak and weeble". It's been a private joke between them ever since. One will say that they're feeling a bit feak and weeble and the other one will start to grin. They were always pretty close when they were kids. He still sends her flowers for Christmas and when she's in the hospital. His wife is a really nice lady. Sometimes you have to wonder how she got roped into this group.
Mis sorry for your grandma... and I am glad it happened peacefully.
Stormy, I don't know, I have the impression that your niece is not ashamed at all about what she made, and if she could, she would continue to do it. I think you and your sister have the duty to tell your brother (as soon as he is better), because this girl needs help... She has to be stopped now, before she makes a huge mess and screws her life. I don't know, it's just my idea.
Goodnight everybody...
maya - hope your mom gets to feeling bette.
Yesterday we went down and made the arrangements for grandma's funeral and visitation. I lost it when we picked out the verse for the card. I posted on facebook that grandma passed and my friend Trish could believe how many comments there was and Trish thought that was amazing that so many commented. I've been getting alot of texts on phone too. The sil didn't go with my husband and I and I'm glad she didn't to make the arrangements. Grandma's viewing is on Monday and her funeral is on Tuesday morning.
On a lighter note, we met our great niece last night. She's so precious. Mom and baby are home now and doing great.
I'm still going to come here and check in on everyone. It takes special people to be caregivers and you all are angels taking care of your loved ones.
Thinking about you all.
Melissa
And you got to the new one.. hope you got a few little kisses, they are so precious..
Ro, I truly wish that people could and would talk to thier famillies more openly about things... for some here in the US we tip toe around, don't want to rock the boat, don't want anyone mad at us, and then we wonder why the dysfuntion continues...I am like you when it comes to saying how I feel, hence to the family I am a 'black sheep', that's ok, I'm not an appeasing liar either.... I have many friends who we do not walk on eggshellls and the relationships are so much healthier.....
Burned-sounds like you have alot going on right now. Hugs and know we are here for you.
Mis-I wish peace for you and your family. Funerals are for the living, to help you grieve. It's not easy to pick verses and such, but it's all part of the process of healing. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs.
Well, quiet here at Casa Crazy. Dad will be having his treatments on Fridays, starting on 1/20. He should be able to drive himself and not have major side effects. That's a blessing.
Looking forward to a good weekend. Have alot to get done taking down Christmas decorations, laundry, food shopping - you all know the drill. I want to enjoy the mundane things and have some "normal" time without any blowups from Mom. Wish me lucl!
My inability to bite my tongue generally gets me in trouble, I don't care if your the janitor or the owner of a company, if there is something on my mind, it's out my mouth.. My favorite thing to say is where most people have a stop sign on the back of their tongue, mine is "if it's in there, spit it out" lol.
How is everyone doing today?
I agree that not walking on eggshells is much healthier although unhealthy people would rather we not see, feel or speak. Although it might not always work, I find the best way to say how I feel is to own my own feelings by saying I feel ___ when you do or because of __ instead of you are making me feel so angry or whatever. The first communicates a statement, but the second communicates an attack although even with an I statement some will hear an attack
Several days ago, I shared about some good news after my wife went to Duke Hospital's breast cancer center about her mammogram. I think I shared that they were going to get more of her past mammogram results. Well, With more information from her previous mammograms, the people at Duke Hospital have scheduled a biopsy for my wife on Friday, January 13th at 9:30. We've learned that her mammogram score was 4 which is not as good as a 3 or below but not as bad as a 5.
Also, my roofing repair people have various health problems that are keeping them from getting things fixed and I'm back to sleeping to much again, but not feeling rested when I do get up. I will be so glad to see my new psychiatrist on January 16th.
starri - the narcissistic person never thinks about the feelings of others. I am glad you spoke up as a child. It helped u to survive. You are amazing to have looked after an abusive step dad and your mum
notlike - i call it crazyville and I decided i was going to live in normalville - I will follow up more on the dysfunctional thread. Glad dad can drive himself. I think blow ups from mum are a given - i found it became easier when i expected the negative behaviours - she has an illness - not alz, but still an illness, and it is more difficult for you to deal with due to all the childhood triggers and, in my experience, any illness brings out the crazies, BUT, it is as she is, and there is probably little you can do to change it
brandy - I am with ros who does not walk on eggshells, but puts her feet firmly on the ground, and deals with what comes - you need somewhere to vent with the caregiving challenges you have (((((hugs)))))
ros - dorothy is a doll, She must be so happy to be with you. Glad mum is quiet so you have some peace
carol -sounds like it is unfolding as it should. There is no way you can meet mum's needs at home now. On to the next phase which includes more time for your family.
mis -sure hope you keep checking in - glad u saw ur greatniece and she is doing well. get as much rest as you can - the next few days will be tiring ((((((hugs)))))
stormy - hope this money thing all gets worked out as it should - and sis says her piece - really this is all your sis and you needed at this time. have u tried the alert bracelet yet?
maya - hope mum is feeling better and you got the pill fiasco sorted out - feak and weeble eh? Like that! Are ur aches and pains better?
burned -glad your boy's b'day went well and the doc doesn't think hubby is worse
ladee - 2 down and 2 to go - hope u r feeling refreshed and find some good rocks today. has the leg stopped aching?
jam - too many mimosas?
seeme - waiting for pups and buying out the pet store?
sdpeg - ...and some learn that later than others and some don't learn it at all - the narcissists
everyone check in and let us know how you are
here G is off to the horses again and then to Toronto for meetings for a few days next week. so the house will be quiet and I don't have to cook - nice. The freezer is installed and the temps have dropped so we don't need it now anyway - Murphy's law or something.
I keep wondering how long mother can go on, and I know others are in the same boat. At 99, she has survived a second hip op well and is still in an ALF -albeit with a little more help till she gets more mobility in the hip or she may just decide to keep the extra help. Her money will not last indefinitely. She seems to have most of her marbles, if a little more paranoia and less short term memory. At nearly 100, I suppose that is "normal" - for a BPD anyway.Because she has always repeated herself a lot (part of the BPD) I don't know if it is failing memory due to age or the BPD - mixture of both, probably.
have a good day
love, hugs and prayers (hearts thingy isn't working)
jo
and notlike - that is "there is probably little you can do to change HER" but changing you can help you
I finally got to the table, and took the vision and sign test. I actually missed a sign.....the yellow round one. Round is RR crossing, but it is white, not yellow, yellow is for cautions, etc., right? The guy makes me go back and I told him my confusion. Ah, a new sign warning of advancing RR sign is being used somewhere like the stop sign warning is coming up or street light. OK, no problem. He starts to ask me if there are any medical reason why I should not drive. These people ask these same questions many times during the day and it becomes so practiced that they don't even know what they are saying, he mumbled most of it, I strained to hear, was too fast to understand and it became to my ears "hfuij hfsjfkd hhykfnf, blah blah, blah......"
And I wandered in my mind, thinking............"Why don't they ask what the definition of the solid double yellow line is? Or that 'yield' means yield and not 'give up'....... especially on the 'on ramp'. " And OK, I missed the new sign, but I've driven in Europe....I know signs that aren't even used over here......like who gets to go through the one lane arch first.........which is the priority road........and experience, like how to look at the mirrors to see traffic coming around the 45 degree curve.
"Epilepsy, siezures, naracotics......."
And how about when hubby gets in the car and screams to "Get in the other lane", "What is that asshole doing?", "Where do these people learn to drive?"
Shouldn't road rage be on that list? I've never suffered from road rage in my life. I love to drive and find it very relaxing. I have experience and calm on snow, ice, torrential downpours, and true black ice.
Riding with hubby is a torment for me. He seems to be looking at every vehicle, comments on make, model, color, driver......mouth just a flapping.......condition of other vehicles.......yakkety, yakkety, yak........
"Heart attcks, strokes......."
When the guy finally finished, and you know I thought of all this in a split second, he looked at me expectantly, and all I could think to say was, "I'm married............."
His look was priceless......................
u r not an eggshell walker and you can drive on black ice - now that's what I call TALENT!
your story reminds me of two men - my ex who frequently made negative comments about the cars in front till finally one day I said, "You think all the drivers in front of you are a$$holes don't you?" He stopped talking for a while, thought and said. "That's not quite true. All the drivers behind me are too."
and G who is an auctioneer (amongst his other talents;)) and when he gets excited or enthusiastic about something, which is quite often, all I hear is "hfuij hfsjfkd hhykfnf, blah blah, blah......".
I wonder if your answer would stop him...-**-
now we know - the answer for everything we do wrong is "I'm married" LOL
Cmag......In all seriousness, I hope you know you are in good hands going to Duke with wife's concerns.....nothing can change what may or may not be, but she will get the best handling while in their care....