This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
New nurse practitioner began her nursing career in the town I was born in. She tells me how sweet my mother is. I told her that it's the Phenix City coming through. In other words, be on your best behavior around the newbies in your life. There's plenty of time to be difficult later on after they get to know you.
And ladee ...I just knew everyone would understand but I didn't want to look dumb!! ;-) ....could state the obvious and say I am brainless!! Hahaha
I have been reading for the last several days and lurking in the background and I am still bothered by the turn this thread has taken and I also have concerns about what is happening with some of you right now. I may not be physically caring for the col in her home right now, but that is only because I realized that she needed more help than I was mentally and physically able to give her. But that doesn't mean I have turned my back on her.....just the opposite. I first came to this website in Nov 2010.....looking for others doing the same job and who might be able to give me some suggestions......I didn't just lay out my story and then tell everyone that I didn't want anything from them. It's okay to admit that you don't want to do the job you're doing....it's not okay to just turn your back because it doesn't work the way you want it to and expect someone else to solve the problem. If that's the case, then place your loved one where they WILL be taken care of by someone else. I started this thread because of my concern on how YOU were handling being the CAREGIVER and how that impacted your life; good , bad, with humor, with pain, whatever. We have lost several care givers that would have been a tremendous asset to this thread, and I'm sorry for that, and hope that others won't leave also. I want other care givers to feel that this is a safe place to come and sit with us while we try to make your burden a little lighter. Sometimes that is done with humor and sometimes not. The job in itself is not always happy, but we need to be able to come here, where it is SAFE, and most of all be comfortable relaying to others what is going on in our lives.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Oh Lord I haven't written this much in awhile! Think it is the muscle relaxer and the pain pill!!
And YES I have every intention of turning this thread back because it belongs TO ALL OF US which makes us all equal partners.
I know all about her and yet when the time comes for a decision it is left to those who have no clue, live in denial, or just don't care. I have had enough. And Friday is a turning point. And the strength I have to express my concerns to the doc on Friday is because of the people here. And to the person who sent me a hug and said "I have your back" thanks ... that meant the world to me. I expressed how I was feeling and said what I needed and rec'd it. Thanks. Peg
And thanks guys, but Jam is right, I am a problem child, but in a good way... lol
And Vic gets to call me a heathen because she loves me, and I am happy to see that ya'll are going to start posting again... As jam has said from day one.... this is OUR thread.... so please come back and share what is going on..... we have to turn it around TOGETHER...... hugs, angels and tons of love and respect for all of us doing this job... can not do this without support.... deep sigh, and lots and lots of love....
And now, I'm going to go and deal with the nausea that she's had for days. Tomorrow, I'll wage the battle for meds to deal with the nausea from the infection and the antibiotic. I've had enough of making do with OTCs and home remedies while these doctors sit on their hands and do nothing to help with it. She's diabetic and she has to eat, so they need to address the issues that are making that difficult. If her diabetes is aggravated by her not eating, that becomes another life-threatening situation.
Let the games begin, but she WILL have something for the nausea before the day is over.
OK, glad the thread is going back in the right direction, and Vic, I am going to address what I read from your post. Unfortunately, on eof the most frustration things I learned at the end....... there is no step-down program that your folks will follow.....even in the end stages.
The bummer is that there will be good days and bad days, some decline and then a bouce back, and it is sssooooooo frustrating. And I know you have been through this already.....doesn't make it any easier. We were given a handbook on the "process" of dying..........can you even believe there is such a thing!!!.......at the hospice center.....and while they listed all the major changes, at the end of the list, they added that any or all of the changes could occur within any of the time frames...WHAT?....After everything was over, it made sense, but it didn't do anything for me while going through it.
You are such a loving daughter. You notice things about him because of the attention you pay to him, and that is good, but I hate for you to stress yourself out even more. I know you worry, me too, and there may be no answers, but if it is a gradual decline, he ain't gonna follow the rules. Have I been too long-winded???
Hang in there, girlfriend.......
rw- welcome. This blog and this site has been a god send to me. I have taken the advice of many on here and it's an awesome place to vent cause we all have or had similiar situations and everyone understands where we are coming from cause we're in the same boat.
seeme- agree with ya.
vic- (((hugs))) to ya girlfriend.
ladeeda you're soo right on so many things.
Today is going to be a hard day, but we'll make through and tomorrow will even be harder. So I won't be on here for at least a couple of days, but who knows. I just might. You all bring me laughter and joy when I just don't feel like laugh'in and just want to cry.