This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Mis...love the derringer story! Your gma must have been a hoot! Savor all these good memories through this tough time..you are in prayers.
Rw..my mom is 91 will be 92 in July. She is still very competent in her affairs..mom and dad moved a couple doors down from me about 5 years ago...my hubby and I moved our bed in after dad needed 24/7 care around 3 years ago. I kept after dad years ago their will and such and finally they did a revocable trust with me as executor. A few years ago when dad fell..I got them both do fill out medical poa and advanced directives. Finally not too long ago I got the financial poa.. Although I am on all their stuff it was getting harder to talk to insurance..as long as mo. Can say yes she can talk for me all is well...
Mom still writes all her checks out and keeps an eye on her funds..but I balance it monthly so I know where you are coming from! Jam and cmag had some good info..the only thing I would add to it is have a poa there when you talk to her because you may have to have the conversation again!
Cmag..never thought about sending poa for taxes..I just do them. Guess I will get in trouble later! Haha..
Ok let's see if I can say this right..SDPEg..your situation breaks my heart and I feel confident in saying that everyone on here empathizes. We care about you and your mom..your mom's deteriorating health and your helplessness to do take any action since you aren't poa and your situations with your brother and mother.. Cmag started the dysfunctional thread and that really sounds like a good place to discuss the psychology of the past and the futility of fixing it now. All of us also understand the need to take care of us..especially so that we can take care of our loved ones. We are all on the same boat so to speak in all our situation no matter what the underlying cause is..you can only do what you can do for love of your mom and for your well being. You have a great relationship with her doctor and the doc knows you are her caregiver despite the legal jargon.. All you can do is make today the best. Your doc can document your moms condition and her well being. When the time arises you are the one there and you can take it to court to get guardianship if you so desire. All that said..all of us are "powerless" to some extent. But we have to live in today not the past or the future. This thread was started to help all of us..including you. We give suggestions and impressions of each others situations to help ..we can take or leave advice.. The way many of your posts were written gave an impression of hautiness when we gave suggestions. No you can't shove food down your moms throat..no you can't change her behavior when she talks to your brother and yes we are all concerned with her well being. But you can't put us down in the process. A person can choose to be a victim or not. You work diligently for your mom.. You said your dad and her went out to eat a lot and that you and her go to the casinos..maybe at this time in her life on some level she understands but she is powerless to do anything about her eating. If she has a banana great! I can't begin to imagine your situation only know from mine that I encourage and I choose to stay with it.. Anyway I don't think I am trying to make any real point here but just some of my own personal observations.. This thread has been a godsend to me since I found it..I have been able to share feelings sad,joy,guilt, worry..etc.. But didn't feel comfortable doing that lately. Just felt like it wasn't safe anymore to talk..that you didn't care about our situations or our feelings .even felt like my situation may turn up in some paper or dissertation somewhere.. I pray you don't take that in the wrong way.. It is said with love. Anyway it had been bottled up inside me for awhile..we do care about you and your mom. I pray that all goes well With her doc appt on Friday.
I was responding to posts but perhaps not as kindly as I could have. I also send hugs and well wishes.
I admit to being verbose at times so I will end this post here.
SDPeg
I missed this line the first time I read your post, Vic, and want to reassure you that I would never do that. The paper I wrote was my personal memoir and I consider this thread confidential. I don't discuss anything that people write on here with anyone else not even friends I have made on this post outside of this post. Just thought I would reassure everyone that I have no intention of ever revealing your lives with anyone at all. I felt a need to say that. SDPeg
Yesterday I was the one in need of care. Had an IUD placed for the first time in my life. Yuck and Ow and Ouch. Still sore today, but getting better. Hubby was very good and brought me water and painkillers. And gave me the TV remote! LOL
Still have not heard from Mom's doctors about adding radiation. They said we'd have to have another appointment with the radiation doc. Will have to talk to her about it tonight. Oh joy.
Back to work for me. Will try and check in tonight.
The point of this thread when it was started, was to allow those of us in ACTIVE care giving to have a safe place to come and ask questions, offer advice, relay stories, talk about YOU and how you handle the care giving........of course the daily things our loved one does is going to be included. If this is not what you are needing, then go elsewhere.
Peg.....those here have shown nothing but concern about your mother and that concern has been rebuffed several times......you have relayed that she is not eating, but instead of getting aggressive with that, you have let all of us know that mom is on her own, your needs are too important. You have made excuse after excuse, and contrary to what you may think you know, your excuses don't hold water. I'm married to a physician!!!!! Do you think I don't know how the world of medicine works? Your mother has entered the world of dementia......YES DEMENTIA......and it needs to be dealt with by someone who puts her needs first. You have posted that you take your mother to a casino, put her on a chair, and go about your business knowing the casino personnel will watch her....and then shrug off the fact that you headed out the door to go to school, having forgotten to put out breakfast and meds..school can wait, mom can't. Okay, so perhaps mom is depressed because she misses her husband.....do you notice I said husband? You have never referred to him ONE TIME as anything other than "my dad". I am glad that you have taken the time in your life to further your education, but you have come across that your mother is hindering that accomplishment and you will be glad "when the doctor places her". The doctor is not placing her and since you have no authority over her, by your own admission, she will sit right there in her own home until her son decides to do something.
Again, I have made it a point to let everyone know that this a safe place to come and post, where they can get some advice on care giving and attempt to keep themselves from falling into a black hole. There are some terrific posters here and I personally have made some very dear friends......but if you don't need anything from anyone here, then please feel free to take yourself elsewhere.
TOPIC FINISHED.....DONE.....OVER AND OUT!!!!
I'm pooped and it doesn't have anything to do with care giving.....unless a 15 y/o poodle counts......Got all the dogs bathed.....kept the old girl for the last and OMG, I think the first time I had to strip the col down and bathe her was easier...lol. This dog screamed and carried on and of course I'm trying to soothe her, but what the heck, she's blind and deaf so I just have to get the job done. Then I took them outside after they were dry, I keep a pair of crocs at the door to wear, and I can feel something on my toe.....well a bee and I are in the backyard doing some kind of crazy dance....I'm hopping around on one foot and my toe is stinging like I've been shot.....the dogs are running around like a pack of wild dogs.....and of course Target is inside oblivious to it all. So now, the doctor made me find some Benadryl, and my toe is swollen and hurts like the dickens, the col's dog is humping the old blind one's head, I think the other two are staying out of my way after the visions of being stomped while doing my dance.......there's never a dull moment around here it seems. Going to be nap time soon, so I guess I will hobble downstairs and get the last load of laundry out of the dryer.
So how has everyone else been today?
Happy Trails......buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,
Jam
You don't own this message board, you know. It's on Agingcare.com, not Jam.com.
And no, I won't apologize because I called it exactly what it is. You've done your best to run Peg off.
And Ladee, you have no business posting complaints about Peg either. It doesn't matter if they're on this board on or on her wall. She doesn't need your attacks and it seems as if that's all you're interested in doing. You don't own this board either.
Vic....glad dad had a good night.....thought undies would have arrived by now. Wish you didn't have to strain so much to change him......didn't realize it was more work with a man.....always envied the urinal............
maya first of all I am laughing at your assumptions and your interpetations...and just to let you know, I will say what I want, when I want. I personally do not have the power to run anyone off, I just don't think I'm that important in the bigger scheme of things.... so if it made you feel better to threaten, then hopefully you are ok now... It's over with, Peg is a grown woman she can post where ever she wants... just as you can.... so just know that whatever else you choose to post that's fine with me, it will not change my life one way or the other... hope you feel better....
You don't own this and you don't have the right to decide what someone else is allowed to post or how they're supposed to feel about either themselves or the people they are caring for.
Does your employer know that you post complaints about them online?
And yes, you contribute to it being off-topic all the time. Should I remind you?
I do know what I've witnessed in these attacks on Peg. I see where you've taken it upon yourself to decide where and how this thread will go.
Once again, you don't own this board, so how dare you say that you're taking it back. That's ridiculous. Grow up. This isn't a high school clique.
Answer the question. Does your employer know that you complain about them on a public message board?
Something tells me that they don't.
This is not a high school clique. And you don't own it.
Lindy, hope there was no major injuries with your mom.... I know you are worn out and are just hoping things go more smoothly until time for her placement...
Vic, have you ever used the extra pads for men in his "night pants", that's what I called them so I could get Ruth to wear them.... hope the new ones come in soon...
RW, hope you had a good work out last night, wish I had that kind of motivation....
Is there any kind of elder day care or senior center your mom could go to, or would she not agree to that....let us know how you are....
Seeme, good news about mil... nothing serious... a blessing all the way around...hope you are feeling better with your cold... how much longer before you get the puppies??? Think M will post some pics on FB???? Gotta show everyone the new babies.....
Jam hope your toe isn't swollen, I could just picture all the dogs howling and jumping around...not to mention you dancing..... and of course Target knows nothing.... did he even find the meds for you to put on it????
Have got a ton of things to do around here, Starri and hubby will be here in a few weeks, am really looking forward to meeting one of my sister friends..... love and hugs and angels to help us thru......
Like Seeme, I remember when you first posted.... and to see how far you have come, the things you have had to do, all the outside help you have had to ask for.... you are amazing, and glad to see you posting more often... hugs and angels.....