This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ASG....have been missiing you...gave me laughs, big time.
Mis...I have still got that feeling of empty nest.......and no animals yet to ease the emptiness. That's why I am so excited to be getting my furbabies. But when you said you found papers from "way back in the 80's", I sat here hoping you meant 1880's....doubt it....but "way back" means something different to me!!!!
I read where talking about death and planning for it, and calling out for mama, reliving the past......all those things are a part of the dying process.....like maybe 6-9 months out. Very morbid, but a natural process. Went through it myself with mom and didn't understand the process at the time.
I finally threw all mom's old medicines away......"lemonade" stand is closed.......it pained me to throw away the expensive inhaler meds..
I have overextnded myself already. 10 am and nap time....sorry.....ttyl
Candi, - you are not selfish. You are an angel in your sister's life. You may have to resort to Tough Love to get her to a doctor. Realistically, she is making her own life decisions. But if you don't at least try "everything" to get her to medical care and something bad happens, how will you feel? Certainly not selfish.
No one should carry guilt when they've given all they could to care for a loved one and something bad happens. But I have a sense you will feel guilty if your sister gets an infection even though you are doing the best you can under her dictates.
What can you do? Hey crew....how can we help Candi? Any good advice we can offer?
Candi, help us to get onboard with you....give some more information in your profile.
You came to a good community. You have to take care of yourself in order to have the strength to help your sister. God bless and warm thougths. Feel the hugs. (((Candi))) Carolyn (aka Bee)
We got good news from my wife's biopsy today that there is no cancer and not any reason to have another mammogram done any sooner than a year from now!!! Thanks for everyone's prayers.
This is just ONE example of what I dealt with in a nursing home. God knows with all my heart if there were a way, I would get my parents out of the nursing home system entirely. It is a system that provides minimal care for maximum dollars. It is going on three years now and the work load is killing me. I have not been able to hold down a job. I have had to deal with a son who has been going through custody battles during this time, arrested over and again because of the law in this state allows an ex spouse to allegate wrong doing without proof. My life is spent in court rooms and hospital rooms and truthfully I don't know how I get up every day and do what I do. To take care of one parent through the maze of care and financial responsibilty is challenging but two is worse. Add that to the other life (your life) and it is worse still. Add insurance fraud, nursing home abuse and neglect, Medicaid, Medicare, bill payments, parental needs...whew...I am exhausted. Three years now of me taking care of all this "stuff". I feel for you all out there trying to make a go and make sense of what we call Elder Care.
CMag..........yippee!!!!! Woohoo!!!! please give Mrs. CMag a big hug......so happy to hear the news!
seeme....glad to hear you're better....don't push yourself or it will take longer to get your strength back.
Welcome Candi......please don't feel selfish...you are doing something a lot of siblings wouldn't undertake....feel good about yourself that you are able to take care of sis. Is her diabetes controlled by meds, diet? Has she always had diabetes or is it age or weight related? You might have to get tough with sis and explain that without a doctor's supervision, if she gets an infection it could have very bad consequences. By the way, is sis older or younger than you? And how is your health and Dad's? Come back and visit.....we would love to get to know you.
Riverleigh............Oh my goodness! You have my utmost respect and sympathy. Is the NH your parents are in the only one in the vicinity? There is no excuse whatsoever for the treatment your parents have received. I'm sure your being there for them has prolonged their lives.....big hugs to you! I don't know about the doctor, but in my area the NH "house" doctors are not usually on staff at any hospitals, and don't have an office other than what is provided at the NH. In my experience I found them to be not very knowledgeable....plainly put. Come back and visit with us and let us know how you are getting along.
Hope everyone else is doing well....my brain is too sleepy right now and I don't want to miss anyone. Had to get up early to take my little chihuahua to the vet for dental work and he woke me up at 3:30 and of course my brain wouldn't shut down to sleep, so I'm tired today. The col is doing well today.....the worst part of the dementia took the day off.....she only complained about missing her newspaper and she had to reminded there is a paper there for her to read. Problem is, she stopped reading the paper about the time she got the new glasses....which by the way, she never wears.
Will check back in later......
Happy Trails,
Jam
Seeme, the excorcist..... oh Lord, (excuse the pun) glad to hear you are feeling better but don't push yourself....the worst that's going to happen is M will get ruffled about something not getting done.... refer him to Ladee if it gets ugly.... Ok???
Candi, as everyone has said you are not selfish.... selfish is walking away and letting her take care of herself.... glad you came by to visit, hope you come back if nothing else just to have a place to vent.....
cmag, great great news about Ms. cmag... I know you both are feeling blessed right now after all that stress . Tell her we are very releived for her...
River.... you certainly put my whining into perspective with your post.... what a load you are carrying.... hope you come back and take time for yourself....
Burned, no one can accuse you of not being a survivor.....but have to give you kudos for keeping your head above water all this time.... tell the kids if they don't go to bed I am coming over there.... trust me, they WILL go to bed.....
Jam, poor baby dog... I know he'll be in your lap for sure tonight.... I need dental work too, can you let your vet know I'll be to see him soon and ask Target if he'll pick up the tab.... it won't hurt to ask......
My long day tomorrow, going to chill and try to ge to bed early....
hugs and angels to you all....
Welcome river- And your story sounds like a nightmare. I am so sorry you are having these problems with the nursing home. It is a shame that they do not take better care of these elderly people. My prayers are with you and your family.
Burned- you are so young to have these kinds of problems.You have really got your hands full. My prayers are with you!!!!
Seemee- Glad that the exorsist is feeling better. No more throwing up green, I take? Love ya.
Jam- I hope your baby feels better soon. Give her lots of love and hugs...
Ladee- I need you to come here and work your magic with connor. Especially on the discipline part. He has hit the terrible fives!!!! Love and hugs to all stormyyy
I would not lay a finger on him nor raise my voice, and I would have him saying yes ma'm in about ten minutes...... he is a good boy, most all kids are good... but I wouldn't be a young mom again for anything... after all we are now calling my son, Hairy Fairy....but that is a statement about his adult choices.... not the way he was raised... that's my story and I'm sticking to it...... going to bed, long day tomorrow... hugs to everyone....
Yipeeeeee- I got the cow pattie!!!!!! Hugs stormyyyy
River, glad to see you back, I don't think of it as the internet per se, I've known some of these ladies for a long time and it's more like setting down and drinking coffee with friends, or drinking rum or all the other stuff we talk about here... not just caregiving... tho that is our main focus... we get silly sometimes, but you will feel the genuine love and support here.... thanks for filling out your profile, it helps us to get to know you.... and you get to know us.... hugs from all of us to you....
cmag- that's good news. Give Ms.cmag a hug for me. I know you two are relieved of the news.
seeme- glad that you're feeling better and M is on a normal shift. I'm younger than you and I got to bed anywhere from 8:30-9pm cause I got to get up so early.
stormy- yahoo!!! you have a cowpattie. :)
Yesterday, I finally got some cleaning done while the chili was simmering in the crockpot and even made a dozen of cookies. I was tired by the time my hubby got home. I did find a newspaper from 1851, now that thing is pretty darn old. We put it in a safer place. Also we found grandma's high school diploma and an autograph book from her senior year that was pretty cool to read through. One of our neighbors called and was checking up on us and was wondering if we were still going to be neighbors and I told her that we were. She was relieved. My hubby goes over plows their driveway since her husband can't do that stuff anymore. Speaking of snow we're suppose to get some tomorrow night. I wished it would hold off cause we're suppose to head north depending on the roads. Spring can hurry up and get here. Hope everyone has a good day and talk at ya later.
Stormy, Dorothy is:
as smart as a fox
as hungry as a shark
as happy as a skylark
as fast as a hare
as stubborn as a donkey.
A big personality in a very small dog.
mis, good to hear from you... how awesome the things you are finding.... and the autograph book, priceless.... hope you get to go north and have a good time, you and hubby deserve it... think about you often.... hugs
Semee-glad you are feeling better. I've been sneezing alot - hope I don't get a cold.
Vic-Lately, I've had so many errands to run, I stop a couple of places after work. It is nice to delay homecoming some nights. I won't be able to do that when Mom gets sicker, so I do it while I can. My sis lives 800 miles away. She is great support on the phone and by email, though. I'm blessed to have her.
Welcome to the new posters. You are going through alot. Blessings and hugs.
Still quiet at Casa Crazy. Dad's first treatment is tomorrow. And more chemo for Mom next week.
Have a great day!
C-mag- meant to post to you last night. So happy for you and the wife. This is wonderful news for all of you. Now ya'll can go out and celebrate (LIFE)!!!!!
Ros- that is a big personality. Sounds like ya'll are two peas in a pod. Glad that she is a good match for you.
Well, better go check on pops. I hope all of ya'll have a great day!!!! Love and hugs stormyyyy