This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ASG, I am so proud of you girl, can you hear the WAHOO's from Texas???? Doesn't educating yourself about what you are dealing with take some of the stress off? You are doing a great job young lady and am sending you hugs across the miles..
Rossella love your new pics on FB, the beach is too beautiful!!!! Have a swim for us, and enjoy the sun on your face...hope you are not working too hard...
Starri, how are things going with you? Think of you everyday and how you are holding up, plus babysitting the brother!! Let us know how you are.
I am glad the weekend is here, am going to sleep good tonite. love you all and hope everyone knows they are special to me... hugs across the miles
There is still a little bit of defiance in the col....she wanted to see the new front yard so I took her out and walked around a bit and she stood right there and said she would pull any weeds. Didn't know hubby was standing on the deck watching her.....got just a tad pissy when he reminded her that she can't do that, then it was gone and she asked to be taken back inside. It is very easy to steer her away from bad subjects. She asked about make-up and I told her I had to throw it away because it got nasty....took her some lip balm and that seemed to make her happy. She made a bead bracelet yesterday at the hospital so we have been discussing things she can do to keep her fingers nimble and she wasn't turning down anything I mentioned. I wanted to look at her and say "who are you and what did you do with the col"! I have beads she can make jewelry with, I also thought doing plastic canvas would be easy for her. Maybe she could make some summer place mats for her table. Her new care giver was asking me today what she could do with her to keep her occupied. She is really looking forward to having her here. She asked what we were paying her and I told her and she said boy she works cheap!
About time to go feed her....she wasn't hungry and instead of telling me not come help her, she asked very sweetly if I would come back later and she sure would like to have some fruit......:) So she is getting a bowl of vegetable beef soup and strawberry jello in a strawberry mousse.
Will check back later to see if any friends have checked in yet...........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam, sounds like things will be much better after the tune-up. I wish I could get my mom to do anything. Did col get her haircut? Are the rules still posted?
Ah, the dryer stopped....last load and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
starri....johnny....54....krn......and everyone we haven't heard from, hope all is well or as well as can be with what we are doing.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I got to experience living without running water, no electricity, in the middle of a Texas summer. I got to see you CAN have sortakinda clean underwear if you wash them in standing water in the ditch.. sounds gross I know, but you adapt... you learn that you can make it no matter what the circumstances.... so I volunteer to go into the trenches everyday. I know what it feels like to be helpless, scared,thirsty, dirty, and just needing someone to give me a smile that says, things may not get better, but they will get different.... hugs to all those who are doing what we do....
Very reflective this morning, Ladee. I only experienced loss of electricity for 4 days during Hurricane Fran. The immediate neighbors got together and we had mass meals using whatever had to be eaten before it went bad. Cooking together meant everyone had something to eat in case some hadn't made it to the grocery store beforehand. And it always ended up being at my house. The worst thing is to be without water.........
Mom was up all night again.....I could only hang till 4:16........there is something about the night and her that I haven't figured out yet. Almost gave her something to sleep, but not till help comes. I just can't stay awake all night if it doesn't work.
Must make a BIG broc/cauli salad for neighbor to take to a reunion tomorrow. Her family loves it and it is the least I can do for her...........
I hope everyone has a great Saturday with few problems.
Starri, thinking of you.............
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this dream and everything will be like it was 10 days ago. I'd have to cut my throat....:) This morning "chatty cathy" slept in until around 9....the hospital makes them get up at 5:30, so that was a treat for her. Had to show her which button to push on her coffeemaker....there is only one....see that green button? It means GO! I asked her if she had changed her pants and she smiled and said nope I'm dry! Well alrighty then......helped her fix her breakfast, she said she really would like to do things for herself so she can remember where things are. Hey, no problem! I really think it's been like she was asleep and surrounded by a dark bubble for the past year and she is now awake. She asked if she could go walk down the driveway...no, but you can walk the inside perimeter of the fence, but remember it's wet and muddy outside and when it dries up I have a cane you can use to help steady yourself. Before she would have said go to h*ll.....now she says oh that's so nice, that will help a lot. Please let this continue for a while. I don't think any of us could survive a return to the demented beast. And yes Target is much relieved and will be more so tonight.....I told him it was his turn to fix her dinner, sit while she eats it, make her coffee, give her meds and make sure she is tucked in at bedtime. I will make sure she is clean and dry, but otherwise he WILL help.
ladee.......have lots of respect for you my friend....you have endured a lot and have come through I think a stronger person even though I think you have always been that way....now if BG would just go away.....
seeme.....and you have endured also my friend. And you just keep on keeping on.....you have my respect for being a wonderful person and strong care giver and such a loving daughter.....even if you are stingy with Kathy......ya know I love ya!!!!!!
Apparently I slept through one hell of a storm last night. A friend called and asked if he could borrow our extra generator....their power has been out since 1 am. Hubby said it boomed and crashed and lightening struck, the wind blew and I missed it. I guess a release of stress makes one rest well.....I didn't take a thing last night except for normal pm meds. Talked to my son and he said they (fire dept) made about 17 calls throughout the night. Trees into houses, etc. He said across the street from him 2 trees were down, one fell to the north, one fell to the south....hmmmmmm. A friend had a tree fall on his house and moved it off the foundation about 2 inches......hmmmmmmm. Supposed to be another round of storms move through this afternoon or tonight. Maybe I can be awake for this one.
Will check back later............
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
At least Marie listens to me about Sonny. I help him take his meds now, and there are fewer problems..showed her how to help him and even if she is weak she can do this... also have him on Metamucil for his other "problem". So, other than him being very worried about her the other day, he is just sailing along, being sunny Sonny..
And thanks for the compliment, you are right, I have always been strong, but even strong people need a safe place to rest their load, and this sight gives me that blessing. Wonderful loving friends, laughter and loving support.. who could ask for anything more...
Seeme, how did last night go?? Wonder why nighttime has turned into so much work?? I can wipe butts all day long, but the nighttime is what exhausts me, no sleep. And then I am too tired to do a good job the next day... hope she slept last night. You may have to give her something, can't keep burning this candle at both ends...
Johnny How are you today? And your wife? Is she enjoying this summer? Do ya'll get to go out and eat or go places? I hope so, if it doesn't upset her it is a good break for both of you.. let us know how you are.
Starri, in my thoughts and hoping you are not overwhelmed by the next step in this journey... please get back with us and let us know how you are doing...
And for everyone else that posts here, hope you are well and not too tired to drop in and let us know how you are..
ASG, I didn't forget you, I know you are busy with the kids and the aunt, but want you to know I love ya, and think about you...
I think it is nap time, yeha for me.... hugs across the miles..
The rest and release is where I am having my most trouble, I've always had my melt downs in private, I'm married now and there is really no private anymore.. Hubby God Love him, is as understanding as a person can be, but he still wants or needs to know what is wrong, what he can do to help, and there are times I don't know what is wrong or what can be done. I never have been able to cry in front of people, to just melt down. So I stuff it, and get in a bit of a cry here and there when I can grab a moment to myself, so that I don't have to try and explain what is going on. It doesn't work that well.. right now, I think I need to cry for the next 2 weeks and can't.
Jam, I am sooo happy to hear that the col is doing better, I pray the Depakote keeps working for her, I've been on it before and for me it made me manic, the brain would not shut up, could not sleep, was all over the place.. Just keep a eye on her, the next week or so should tell, it generally takes minimum two weeks to get into the system. Welbutrin seems to be working best for me in addition to the lamictal I take as a mood stabilizer.
I don't know how all of you do it, caring for those that you don't know who or where their going to be each day. I wish you all peace and rest..
I started the clean up and gave it up after a day, just can't do it right now, hubby and I are starting the prep for our travels, found a camper for the back of the truck, rather than trying to pitch a tent each night. After we get that put on and tested, we'll look at getting a trailer for the motorcycle.
Why must siblings be such a pain? had the eldest call tonight, telling me I should do this, that and the other thing...I don't have a clue as to how I was able to bite my tongue and not tell him exactly where he could get off. My therapist once asked me if I had ever thought about living some place far away from family, and tell you what? I am seriously considering it.. It's almost like he doesn't have a clue that I might be hurting as well.
Maybe it is just too soon to get the house done... you'll know when the time is right...
After my mom died, my dad called and said he wanted mom's stuff boxed up.. I went,, had such a hard time thought I was going to explode, half way thru he comes in says no, not now... I put everything back... We did this three times until I just had to tell him I could not do it...guess one of the "ugly sisters" did it. Many of her things were missing... should have taken what I wanted when I had the chance...
Hope your trip is a good one. You need to see new things, meet new people, look at the starts at night, breathe good air, and cry in the shower.... I hope you stay in touch while you are gone... but we'll understand if you don't... hugs across the miles...
Ladee, you sound tired and very, very reflective tonight. I hope you are doing OK and enjoying your weekend. What did you do with your Saturday? Still too hot to get out? Seen Nobs lately? Love you, Ladee. What a friend you are.....Can;t do this without you.
Jam, I hope you (or the col) never wake up from this dream you are living now. Everything has fallen into place since YOU have taken over the reins. That is all that was needed from Target, and now he will also benefit from your decisions. Did everything go well at supper with her this evening? You are going to be so much more relieved from the stress and have more time for Target and be able to LEAVE THE HOUSE. That is what I appreciate most.....getting out.
I have decided that if mom keeps getting up every hour, I will try a xanax, just one. She has had a many as 4 at a time and still screamed all night, but I thought rather than let Kathy do it on Sunday night when hubby has to work on Monday, I should do it tonight when he can slep in tomorrow morning. So far she hasn't been too bad. I did get a nap this afternoon, so I will probably be the one up all night......
Johnny, ASG, let us hear from you.
Starri, I don't like to cry in front of other people, either, So, when I need, I get on my car, and while I drive I cry, scream and scream and cry until I am exhausted and I feel better.
Ladee, it seems that you are going through a better period of your life... When you have time, I wait for you here for a long vacation!
Seeme, the one brother I have the most problems with is over 2,000 miles away, I need to find out a way to reach through the phone line and just slap the bejeebers out of him. Baby brother is only about 200 yards, and the other one is about 7 miles, With the baby brother, I do my best to keep reminding myself that most of his challenges are caused by the illnesses he has.. I don't know what part of the brain the lesions from the MS attack, he had new ones the last time we were there to visit his doctor... that was a year ago, so there very well could be new ones, will have to check with her about a new mri, she didn't want to do the last one and wanted to work off of 5 year old info, told her I didn't think so, she was going to work off of new info so she knew what she was facing. She might not have liked me, but oh well.. I expect my doctors and those treating my family to do their jobs, and do them right. I do my research, read those pamphlets you get in the medication bags along with the ones you find on line, I watch what is going on if it is something new, something old that has gotten worse, and the doctor hears about it, like it or not.
Seeme, what was the xanax prescribed for ? was it as a sleep aid? I took it as a calming agent, for those days when I hated "people" they worked pretty well. Now as a sleep aid I take Lorazepam 2 milligram, the lorazepam works well too as a calming agent. They had Mom on a point 5 tab. Hopefully the one if you have to use it works, you need some sleep as well, the one hour naps (if you get that much) won't last for long.
Well, even though i am going to get fussed at by the doctor (if I tell her) the second sleeping pill seems to be kicking in, the eyes are starting to close and the brain is shutting down, maybe I can sleep, watch hubby get even with me for waking him up early this morning..lol, he should not have complained, my back pay from the disability came through and he was able to go out and buy all kinds of goodies. I am almost afraid to go into the online banking and see just how much we spent today. But I will have to say, beyond a couple of didn't really have to have at least not right now, the money was spent on things we needed for the truck, and some for the bike...two tires for the truck, and some oil for the oil change was over 400.00, brakes and a sway bar just ate up another 500, told him no more goodies till the dust settles from this shopping trip and the atm cards stop steaming.
I can't really fuss about how much he spent, I've always been one of those people who can make a penny scream, but I've learned over the years, there are some things you can scrimp on and some you can't, the things we had to have today, were those that you can't. Brakes for the truck were a 400.00 investment, we could have gotten way with just the basic model, but we're going to add 1200 lb weight to the bed of the truck, the trailer we'll be hauling is another 1200 lb and throw in a 700 pound motorcycle on top of that, I want the very best brake system on that thing I can get. It's a lot of weight for going up and down the hills around here, Seeme knows what the roads are like there in NC, did you say you were up near durham? when we head through there I'll pop on the group and let you know where we are staying and then maybe we could pick a place to have lunch if you can escape for a while. Would be wonderful to meet you, my typing is starting to really get bad, time for bed.
starri......when the time comes for you to grieve, you will do so and in the manner that you want. Everyone has their own "timetable" and just because someone thinks you should be miserable right now, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you and you should accommodate them. I lost my mother last Dec. 29 at 4:30 in the morning. At 10:00 that same morning I went to the county sheriff's office and renewed my concealed carry permit, then I went to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. I'm sure a lot of people thought I had lost my mind completely, but here I was thinking I'm still here and I have things I need to do and life moves on and just why and what would I accomplish by spending hours crying myself sick. Did I want my mom to still be lying in that bed struggling so hard to breathe? She was never going to get better.....God had a place ready for her and needed her more than I did. When I told her it was okay for her to go and that everything here would be fine, I swear she looked me straight in the eye and she seemed to relax. I look at this cycle of life somewhat differently than a lot of people; I don't see it as the end, I see it as the beginning of a new adventure. So now is your time and everything will be here waiting when you decide the time is right for you to handle it. Go on your vacation and maybe one day you will find the opportunity to walk by yourself and find a nice secluded spot where you can just have your meltdown and cleanse yourself of all the hurt feelings and then you will be able to go back and handle all of mom's affairs. Only you will know when that time is right. And please, try to keep in touch with us while you are out gallivanting around with hubby....you make me jealous...:)
seeme.....I am still in the same vicinity as the rest of my family, but I moved out of the same town a long time ago. My two oldest sisters have also moved away, not too far that we can't get together, but we keep our distance from the two youngest ones, who don't seem to have one brain cell between them. They are the ones who gave me nothing but grief when my mother died. I haven't spoken with them since and have no intention of doing so in the future. I don't need them to make my life complete so I could care less what they do in their lives.
The col has been so pleasant today, I'm telling you this person is an alien and hid the real one! The only problem I've had with her today was finding a big wad of toilet paper in her undies, because "they were wet" and she didn't want to run out by changing. Hubby thought it was funny when I said that I hold her hostage on the potty when I need to try and find a solution to a problem with her. I explained again that I will never allow her to run out of undies, so she is to change every single time she even feels a dribble. I have 80 diapers now with another 80 on the way.....gee I don't think we'll run out too soon. Her long-term memory is about 98% intact; short-term is completely gone. And it looks like that will probably work out to be a good thing. Makes it easier to handle her.
ladee......I sure wish I could send you some of this rain. Really tired of it and it's supposed to rain off and on until next Thursday. Going to be a long week. Hope you got some rest today. Is tomorrow the day when you get to tell sil and BG they're idiots? Oh I can't wait to hear all about it!
Going to answer some emails now and watch some tv.....now that satellite signal is back and we are between storms. I dread seeing the shape the garden is in now.
ASG and johnny.......you must be having a great evening......drop by when you can.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Ladeeda, You sound so happy with your new position. I'm glad everything is working out for you.
Starri, It will take time, but getting away from things will help.
Seeme, You sure have your hands full with your Mom. Hope things get better for her and you can get some rest.
Johnny, Nice when you can get some real rest!!!
Johnny....have a pleasant Father;s Day ...........you sure deserve it......
Deefer, does it even seem like you had a vacation, or is it just a fond memory? Amazing how quickly the time can fly....
Mom has been given ambien, xanax for anxiety, lorazapamand I can't remember the other one off the top of my head. Well, she was just up again....loks like we are working on a hour and a half schedule so far, and since it is am, I will turn it and maybe get some sleep before that next time.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Rossella , a trip to see you, I will be saving for years for that to happen, maybe we will be so old by then we will not recognize each other at the airport,,, but something to plan for..... hope you are not working too hard and are able to go to the shore once in awhile..
Johnny, how great that you got some down time... and happy to hear your wife enjoyed it too getting to visit her daughter... tell your daughter we said thank you for giving you a break and being so loving with her mom...
Jam, I wish you could share some of that rain too. It got up to 106 today... over two weeks of triple digits and no rain, fires are everywhere.. it is getting stressful for everyone...
Deefer, yes I am very happy with my new job.. I acually look forward to going to work.. love them both and Sonny is just a happy go lucky guy with a great sense of humor, he can't find the bathroom, but he is smiling when he asks where it is...
How are things since your trip? didn't last long enough did it??? Now that you know you can travel alone, maybe you will get to go again soon... like me going to see Rossella, I would have to get a job over there to get back home, but it sure would be fun...
Well, I am going to go read for awhile and rest my brain... need to get out of here for awhile tomorrow and as Seeme told me, can't spend money in the looney bin, so might as well take a little of my saved money and go have some fun tomorrow...
Love all ya'll and hugs across the miles...
Keep reading and checking in with us and we will attempt to keep you "fueled".....:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Seeme, keeping in touch with everyone is going to be as easy as finding a cell signal and making sure the laptop is charged or has power available. Most if not All McDonalds now offer wi-fi, a lot of motels/hotels and even some camp grounds do. We have a air-card so that if we have cell signal, we have computer.
We got it because one of the hotels that we stay in down in Columbia got on my nerves over their lousy wireless connections, if you could get on, it'd stay on maybe 5 minutes and you'd have to start over. It worked out good, that it decided to irritate me at that moment. As just a few days later, the service went from being unlimited to limited for the same price. I had been telling Glenn "no" we didn't need the extra bill, and McD's offered internet. But now bill or no bill (89.00 per month) we have internet access no matter where we are as long as there is signal. Glenn's had it with him on trips on the bike, pulled over to a rest stop, fired up the computer and was able to move money from one bank account to another and find directions, etc... I fussed about the GPS he bought me till the one day I was out somewhere, got myself lost and it brought me home, paid for it's self right there, as long as I know I can get home that's all that matters.
After the irritating call out of the "eldest" last night, I am putting off doing any thing like packing up till maybe next weds. We go tomorrow to get the camper, it's cute, you slide it into the back of the truck, tie it down and then when you are ready to camp, you take this crank and crank up the top of it, so that you can get in and stand up, has a/c, a furnace, sink, fridge and a little two burner stove.. No shower or potty, but that can be dealt with.. porta potty for when you are out in the woods.. showers can be got at the next stop you find.. or just a wash cloth and soap beside the camper..lol..
This is the first time in my many years that I have been looking forward to not being tied down somewhere. Going to seem weird at first, as I have always been kinda attached somewhere for something, kids, family, job, etc.. still have the kids, their grown and on their own now, family, still have some of them, but their adults and mainly capable of doing for themselves. I haven't worked in 2 years now, between trying to care for my husband, my mom and my brother, the fact that I was getting more and more disabled myself, I could not pull it off anymore. When the hubby had to have his last knee replaced, and my doctors appointment book was showing appointments almost every three day's for three months, then my knee snapped loading wood one day, that was it, I could not do it anymore, the snap turned out to be arthritis rearing it's ugly head. I went and filed for my disability, and just under 24 months later, it was approved. The money we're using to get our camping stuff is from the back pay, and the first check should arrive on Tuesday evening. One of the things we are going to do on this trip is get the divorce certificates from past marriages, so that we can prove that he and I are married to the VA, and he will be able to get more money allowed for me, and when something happens to him, I'll have some kinda pension coming in, in addition to what I will be bringing on my own. Depending on what kinda place you want to live in here in SC, there are houses/mobile homes/apartments, that can be found for between 300 and 500 per month, cheap yes, but going to take a big bite out of the 935. I'll be getting on my own.
Anyway, debating on getting the hubby up, we still need to get the boxes out of the back of his truck, get them over to mom's, then work on getting the shell off the truck and all the "stuff" he has piled back there so that tomorrow we can go and get the camper and start getting that ready, I'd like to take off by the end of July, mid august at the latest, don't want to end up somewhere in snow up to the tops of the tires.
Hugs and Love
Carmen
Yes, it will seem like you are waiting for something in the back of your mind... but it won't take long for the freedom of the road to do it's job, and you'll be enjoying yourself. And apparently much needed time with the hubby.... try not to work too hard today... hugs across the miles to you..
I'm not sure how I feel about the hospice experience. I am sure he died much sooner than expected in hospice. I am upset that the hospice nurses and doctor did not seem to have any idea he was going to die the morning he did and that I was not able to be with him when he passed on. I do feel that the drugs they give in hospice do "help" the patients to pass on and I don't feel good about that. I do feel if I had gone with traditional medical treatment he would still be here today. I doubt I would ever put someone in hospice again. I do plan on talking with them this week to find out why they didn't have an idea he was dying and why I was not contacted sooner so I could have been with him.
The family drama surrounding his funeral arrangements is certainly something I could do without. I feel like apologizing that he passed away at a time that is inconvenient for people (graduations, vacations, fathers day). I do wish those around me could take a step back and realize that he wanted to live and neither he nor I planned to make things inconvenient for others. Undoubtedly people just do not know how to handle illness and death well.
Thanks to all of you here for your support and advice over the past few months. Some of the most helpful support and advice came from those at this sight. I wish everyone here the very best with your own caregiving situations.