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Lori, welcome and I am sorry that your sis feels the way she does.... and acts the way she does.... guess we all have a sib or two that makes you wonder where they came from.... please come back and share what's going on with you and your mom, maybe we can help with some suggestions for your mom's loneliness.... Has she stayed away for all the time you have had your mom living with you..... ??? Come back and let us get to know you and vice versa.... hugs to you.....
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Blessings to everyone and prayers for strength and peace. I'm not awake enough yet for individual posts. Welcome and keep coming to the new people. We are here with you on this journey.
Today is chemo day. Mom feels better so we're going. And maybe get some answers about the CT scan report.
How did I go to sleep an hour early and still wake up tired?
Have a good day everyone.
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notlike, let us know this evening how things went with mom today.... and we just stay tired I think....
overslept myself this morning so have to get going.... hugs and agels to you all.
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Good Morning Posse!

Doing a drive-by this morning......hubby is taking me to lunch later....woohoo! I get to put on real clothes and shoes, instead of my comfy stuff...lol.

burned.....sounds like you are having stressor headaches......horribly painful and debilitating. Make sure you are eating properly and drinking lots of fluids. A drop in blood sugar or a bit of dehydration can make those headaches worse......the brain MUST take a bath in sugar constantly or it doesn't work right. Have you considered finding a new doctor for yourself....one that will listen to your problems and make the effort to help you? Might be worth looking into.

notlike.....let us know how Mom's chemo goes. I'm glad to hear she is feeling better. When the col was still home, she would go to bed around 10pm and I would have "me" time then until about midnight and sleep until 7....never rested well. Then when we put her in the NH in Oct, I was sleeping 10 hours a night but since then I have gone back to maybe 6 hours and that is interrupted by tossing and turning and looking at the ceiling. I have the advantage of being able to do nothing during the day, but I still exist in a state of "tired"....I think we all do.

Lori....welcome and glad to see you here. You're not alone in your frustrations. I have a brother and sister who were like your sister with my mother....she died Dec 2010.....and when Mom died you would have thought those two were the only children and had done everything....brother stopped seeing Mom years ago and I'm surprised sister could remember how to find the NH. You will fit right in here....

ladee.....hope Marie is a good girl today. And I haven't looked at the weather yet, but hope it's good for taking Sonny out. Have a good day!

I hope to see a check-in from the rest of our friends today....hint, hint........

Happy Trails,
Jam
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Hmmm how am I doing today???? Horrible....I so wish I was able to do this with a smile on my face like so many do. Why can't I? Never in my wildest dreams...would I ever have thought this would be so hard for me to handle...me...which has always proudly called myself a "career caregiver" nh I worked for was gonna pay for nursing school....but oh no thank you. I didn't want to push the pencil...it wasn't my thing. I didn't want to be responsible for the charting and the big stuff...my favorite part was the people I cared for. The people I worked with...even my family always told me I had a gift for dealing with the elderly. Alhiemers??my fav. I was fascinated with learning about them.so why am I all thumbs with this??? Why,has my "gift" turned onto something I hate??? Everyone told her what a lucky girl she was...her neighbors told her she cared for me in the nh...your lucky I wanted to take her home(revering to me)
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*referring * why do I want to just duck my head in the sand....run.....wave a white flag to god and say ok ok not sure what you wanting to teach me but let's pretend I got the it and let me go on win my life. The one I used to have. Let me go back ti being the person I know who loves everybody and everything and rarely ever has bad thoughts. Why can't I get past this...blow it off...change my attitude back to what its supposed to be and move on? Bosses at work always said they loved me cause no matter what was happening that day on the floor....I still had a smile on my face....when an emergency rose I was always bragged on for my quick thinking and calmness. Where is all that??? I don't mean to sound all whooshy. But where the heck did I go????? I don't even recognize who Ive become. The thoughts I have. My I don't give a $hit attitude.
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well daughter is off to school and then later on after the washer gets done with one load and toss in the dryer time to get hubby cleaned and then my son...then off to the clinic for intake his therapy ( hubby) and then to see his Primary Care doctor to listen to my husband and give me the statement I need so I can go to SSA office and take care of other stuff deemed important to take care of him continuing to recieve hospice care...wish us luck and prayers...
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ASg I think at least for me it is because we are in it 24/7.. It is easier to be with others and them come home to loving our family. But this is our family we..don't get away from it..there is no real respite even if we do get some time..it is always in the back of our minds always there..not like a job we love. We are mentally and physically tired we get sleep but not rest ....we feel guilty because we feel this way and that just makes it worse..we try to make each day a good day. Then some stupid thing happens and we are pissed or frustrated or angry..then the cycle starts all over again..
We or me just has to work each day to make it a good day..moment to moment..step away take a deep breath come back try again.. Wouldn't change things if I had the chance..for as much as I would love to be able to have a job play in the garden talk to the cat..go to the store all in my time ...well I love my parents and want the best for them. God put us here and for some reason ...he gave us this gift,chance, purpose, suffering.. We can say God take it back..we are ok now..we have had enough...Jonah was the reluctant prophet ... He did everything not to go to Nineveh then finally he gave in and they repented right away..and he got mad! Arghhhhhhh...so here we are. ...know it doesn't help..
Today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day....ohmmmmm we ARE blessed
Love you all
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ASG......Vic is correct. It is so much easier to be able to walk away when your shift ends and not think about it until it's time to go back. Now you are "on shift" constantly. You're tired, both mentally and physically. The one thing that kept me going on most days was to remind myself that God doesn't give any of us anymore than He knows we can handle. I kept that thought close to me because if God felt confident in me, then I could get through the day. Did I still feel like pulling my hair out....yes....I still broke down in tears a lot, and yes even wished I didn't have to do it anymore. Now that I'm not doing the physical daily hands on, I still do a certain amount of her care, I'm not relaxed and not able to take back control of my life....yet. Does that make sense? It's a different set of feelings from losing them to death and losing them to a NH. Sometimes, you just need to stop....lay all the facts out in front of you...weigh the pros and cons of the situation and make a new plan. Or a new approach to an old plan. Whatever works for you....remember without you there is nothing else.

As you can probably tell.....no lunch out today. Something came up and will go tomorrow instead.....gee that means I have to cook......weathers great, maybe fire up the grill......

Sorry about the rain ladee.....even though I know it's needed. We're pumping into the pond as I type...........gotta get that level back up...:)
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JAM....GLAD col still has some fire left in her Lol. Glad you are smart enough to say no. Auntie told me this morning the nursing home was a good place it wasn't their fault it was hers cause she wasn't herself. I said I will remind you that next time you are screaming at the top of your lungs in the hallway that if I don't get you outta here you will go on your own with your walker. She looks at me and says well I wouldn't have got far. NICE!! I will remember that next time.
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Allshegot- i hear you loud and clear sweetie. And i know just how you feel. I feel the same way, it seems like it is all the time now. Just putting on a act everyday. Trying to get through the day. Not recognizing the person that you have become that's me. And i keep thinking what all has this journey taught me. And i feel it has taught me that i too have bad thoughts, don't like myself for thinking them but i do.
Feelings of resentment, anger, selfish, and dread. So i get what you mean. I guess we are suppose to learn love, compassion, sympathy and all that stuff. But i just feel like most of that has gone out the window. I hope ya'll don't feel harsh towards me for saying that. I'm not a bad person. I am a very loving, likeable, easy going person. But i just feel that this whole caregiving stuff has changed me not for the better i must say. Love and hugs stormyyy
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LADDEEDA I had no idea she was being physically abused. She was so lucky. And so is sonny and Marie. Maybe it was just time for Ruth to move on...and you to...maybe Sonny and Marie needed you more Now. They used to say Pneumonia was an old persons friend. It always sounded morbid to me but after working in the nh I understand.
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I feel like the dunkin donut man. Everyday same thing........................
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Oops Im responding to older stuff. VIC thanks for the kind words. Its days like these I question just haw strong my faith is and what kinda punishment am I gonna get for some of the thoughts that pop into my head!!! SURELY he knows me better than anyone. And knows they aren't the real me.
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Maybe i wouldn't feel this way had i had a better relationship with dad. I don't know. I go through the day over here wishing and hoping for the times that he goes to sleep and dreading it when he wakes up. And that sounds terrible i know. And i hate that i feel that way but it is how i feel. Just so tired of this everyday....... Well he is getting ready to call me I can feel it in my bones. Need to go.................
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ladeeda - dad is now on hospices , not doing good , his swallowing is about done working , chest sounds rattling , heart is failing , some days he s alert and happy and other days he lays like he s on his way out .
just never know what his mood will be . i love it when he s alert and smiling and talk away . happy eating , this morning he couldnt feed himself , whiney and i fed him a small bfast , just so sad ,
i feel like im swiming in a black hole , i cant finish what im doing and now my house looks like mmmm ok hahaha ,
take care and try to have a happy day . xo
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Thanks...Vic Jam..Stormy. you guys are great!!really don't know what I would do with out you all. And everyone else too!!! I sometimes wonder if this was my mother I was caring for would if be differen? Stormy.I know about feeling it in your bones Lol. Ive thought to myself hmmmm when did I develop esp. Its some kinda sonar radar us caregiver have.
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Dunken donut yummy!!!
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Linda so sorry about the loss if your niece was it? And so so sorry about your dad. You guys have been through one heck of a dollar coaster ride in just the last year that I've been on here. Guess doctor "hospice for what?" Is eating his words right now.sounds like your roller coaster is almost to the end of its ride. Bless your heart.you have been a wonderful daughter.
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Oh and stormy!!!those are the exact thoughts that are tormenting me!!!I can kinda deal with thinking stuff let it pass I understand it happens and move on. But its the holding my breath when I walk into the room, and she will look all pale and not be moving,I walk closer to check on instead of feeling scared I don't...then that changes to dissapointment when does finally stir. Its the guilt of that dissapointment every night that's eating me up. And no im not crazy I swear. Im not some sphyco. But that makes me feel like one.
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And I know exactly what your mean about it feeling like everything good has been squashed. I don't think bad about you. Then again.....I might be turning into some kinda sphyco and don't know it yet. I wonder if syco's know they are syco's ?
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Allshegot- I know just what you mean. I watch his breathing too. And like you said dissappointment. It makes you feel insane or it does me. It also makes me think too why does god let this go on when he knows that we feel this way about our loved ones. It doesn't make sense to me. I know i hate to say this but i have thought about the day that i find out that he is gone. And again it's terrrible to say this but i think i will feel relief that it's over. Just a huge weight will be lifted. You ever think that too?
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LindaH, sorry to hear Pa is not doing well.... He has certainly given it the good fight..... and as ASG said, you are a wonderful daughter, did you worry about him when you were gone or was there just too much other pain going on..... I recently lost my nephew in a house fire... so I understand how you feel.... tho I am not angry at God, just hurt that things are the way they are...and as much as my sis and I don't get along, it still breaks my heart for her to loose her child.....
Take care of yourself... prayers and angels to help with your broken heart....
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I'm taking care of my 95 yr old mother inlaw for past 1 1/2 yrs.We came temporarily when her husband went to hosp. He died & my husband & I are stuck here. We honestly thought she wouldn't live long w/o him. She is mentally ill, physically pretty good for her age. My father in law protected her for 60 yrs. In her mind the country is still like it was in 1945, when she held a top secret position for the Fed. Govn't. We miss him more every day! Her paranoid sc. OCD personality disorder went well with her job, just hasn't fit in too well with real life. I don't have the mess problems I read here . She tends to love to point out my shortcomings in a very intellectually condescending way. In the beginning I had to shut her out of my room to stay sain! She can go on for hours! I've gotten a degree of calousness, I guess. It's funny, when she has a bad day, dizzy spells n such, My day goes better. BUT as soon as she feels good again, look out! She tries to take back control of things she can't do anymore. She was an office manager, so she gets into the filing (which she can't see) , messes it all up, then wonders who snuck in the house overnight and moved it! Just can't admitt it was her. She woke up and swore someone changed the lampshades. If I won't agree, then I have something wrong with my memory! She always brings up the 'lampshade caper' every time she wants to deflect attention from her forgetting something onto me. Always following with a sincere " It's not your fault, you just don't have the capacity...". LOL Thanking God for a sence of humor. Without it I couldn't make it.
Thanks for this site. Nice to see the universal feelings we all have.
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And for ya'll that are being so hard on yourself for your thoughts.... I can only share my own experiance, Somewhere along my journey it occured to me that certain things kept presenting themselves in my life.... to make a long story short, none of us are all good or all bad... but learning to accept the things about ourself that are less than flattering, or that someone might judge, it's not easy....God accepts the good and the bad of me, so who am I to know better than God... yes, we all have things to work on.... that's why it's called a journey....It is ok to feel what you feel, those feelings are trying to get your attention, that maybe some changes need to be made.....ASG, if it's time to put her in a NH, then do what you need to do... Stormy, if it's time for you to set sis down and tell her you can't do this anymore, then do it.... I call it picking your pain, or picking your guilt, either way it is fear keeping ya'll from taking better care of yourself.....ask yourself fear of what????
Not one thing is written in stone, you do have the right to say enough, if you can't then understand you have picked the pain of things staying the same, rather than the pain of change..... at least with Change, things get different... not always better, but different....ya'll are tired and resentful, and everyone here understand that..... but always know you have choices... always....
ASG, that girl with the smile on her face, well she's still with us....
Stormy that girl with the easy going personality, well, she's with us also.....My prayers are that ya'll face your fears and change some things..... I can not imagine myself doing what ya'll are doing at your age.....so kudos to both of you for doing this thankless job.... prayers for you both to find some peace.... love ya both....
If this came across as a lecture, then I'm sorry for that, but not sorry for saying what I said.... love ya both
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Hadassah, sorry ,if it were me, I'd have to go to yard sales and get as many different lamp shades as I could find, and just change them when she's being a butt... if you are going to be criticized, make it fun...... glad you are here, come back and visit.... hugs...
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Awww.... Ladeee- Thanks for the talk. You bout to make me cry. Just to know that someone else understands and that they don't judge you for how you feel, it means so much. Thank you friend. Love you too
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Asg- I don't think the psyco's know they are crazy. So maybe you and i could a place at the looney bin. I think that is seemee's spa??? Am i right? Hell, at least it would be a different scenery. Something different. Anything........ Love and hugs to you!!! Stormyyyyy
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Thanks, Ladeeda, You remind me of my bst friend (lives w/both of her parents). She tells me to use her delusions to get her to agree to change. ( I haven't even mentioned the guys with lazers that shoot from the street to open blinds and clog drains!) She tells me to blame everything on the lazer guys. To tell you the truth, I'm afraid of getting sucked in to her crazy world! I have wondered how she would react if she woke up to new shades...afraid it would all loop all over again. May be better left alone... Thanks for your friendship! ...I'd better go see if she's breathing..
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Thanks, Ladeeda, You remind me of my bst friend (lives w/both of her parents). She tells me to use her delusions to get her to agree to change. ( I haven't even mentioned the guys with lazers that shoot from the street to open blinds and clog drains!) She tells me to blame everything on the lazer guys. To tell you the truth, I'm afraid of getting sucked in to her crazy world! I have wondered how she would react if she woke up to new shades...afraid it would all loop all over again. May be better left alone... Thanks for your friendship! ...I'd better go see if she's breathing..
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