Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
dmd, I am so sorry to hear about your dad, and double sorry that your hospice experience was not a good one. Would have made things more manageable for you... there are no magic words at a time like this, but know you are loved and the angels are sent to help you thru this next part. and yes, funerals bring out the best and the worst in people, rest easy knowing you did everything in your power to do what your heart told you to do... again, I am sorry for your loss, hugs across the miles to you..
(0)
Report

dmd.....I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and all the feelings that you are having to deal with right now. You're right, some people don't know how to deal with illness and death, so they create the drama. That happened last winter with my own family when my mother passed. You are not responsible for the feelings of the rest of your family; they will have to learn how to deal on their own.

I'm sorry you feel that you had a bad experience with hospice. My perspective is that none of us know when "our time" will come. We all want to live forever but the ultimate outcome cannot be stopped even by more advanced medical care. Only prolonged. And in the end, it's all the same. I see your father had a lung disease. The alternative to hospice would have been to keep him in a hospital, on a ventilator, kept sedated in a coma, without hope for any kind of quality of life. The medications that hospice use are not to hasten the end of one's life, they are to make the patient as comfortable as possible and to lessen what anxiety there might be. A doctor's or nurses training can only go so far, then when there is nothing left for them do, the care is turned over to a higher authority. They are, after all, only human.
Again, I am sorry for your loss. Maybe speaking with someone from hospice will help you to put the ordeal in a different perspective and you will understand what they did for your father.

Jam
(0)
Report

Ladee - no need to be sorry, I just get to feeling guilty about having any negative feelings about them because I'm so lucky in the in-laws I have.
(0)
Report

Hey Ladee and Seeme! Had a great time in Seattle. Rip is a wonderful hostess and I got spoiled by all the furries! You are right about it going by too fast. Coming back home was very sad. I felt like I had never left and didn't feel like it helped de-stress me one bit. But 2 days after I got back I came down with a virus that caused vertigo and many trips to the bathroom. I'm still a little off balance, but feeling much better. And yes, the trip did help! But it still wasn't long enough!
Seattle was beautiful and very green. A clean city and a very big city. Traveling alone was fine. No need to have worried. I had those behind the ear patches for motion sickness and they worked great. I highly recommend them for traveling. As for my restless legs, I took my knitting with me and the intricate pattern I was working on kept my mind busy with counting. So, yes, I would definitely travel alone again. It was a great experience for an old lady!
Jeanie, You are a wonder taking on your in laws when you are so yound and with little children to raise. They are lucky to have their grandparents so close when so many children don't even have grandparents today.
Jam, glad to hear COL is behaving!
Dmd, Sorry your experience was so stressful.
Time to get Mom ready for bed. Hope you all have a good night.
(0)
Report

jeanie, having people in your home, no matter how much you love them, just gets stressful sometimes... Even if they have their own living quarters, you give up some of your privacy. Home is where we come home to unwind. To let the kids romp and play.. Please don't feel guilty, what your feeling is normal... please post again and let us know how things are.... hugs to you.
(0)
Report

deefer....the col is behaving as much as she can I guess. I just went down to fix her dinner and nope she's not hungry....."but look out there at the grass....it's calling my name"......for heaven's sake, read the sign on the door please...:) but at least she is not argumentative. And then she broke out into "Chicago, that Toddlin' Town".....for sale: one col take her please.
(0)
Report

DMD, what Jam says is absolutely right. And I add, it is better to live 2 weeks less (just to make an example), if they must be 2 weeks of suffering... If your father had not been at the hospice, maybe he would have suffered much more. And, I think that the moment when you die is so "personal" that sometimes you don't even realize that your dear ones are nearby. I was with my father at the hospital the night before he died, (I sat on a chair close to his bed all night long) and he was barely aware I was there. He died at 10 the following morning and when it happened, nobody of us was there. My brother and my mother were in the corridor because the doctors had sent them away. So, don't feel bad... You have no reason to feel guilty! I agree with Jam, the "idea" of death must be harder than death itself.
Starri, I am very happy you are going to make this trip. Take the camera with you and make many beautiful pictures! About "seroquel". The doctors who visited my mother belonged to different facilities and they didn't know each other. And though, they all said the same thing! It seems my mother is at such an advanced stage of the disease that there is nothing you can do, except keep her mildly sedated. I think it depends on the person, too. She is restless and she has to be kept quiet, otherwise she gets into trouble! (she opens the car door abruptly, for example, when she has decided she has to get out of the car....)
Johnny, send Don Julio to my house. It could be fun. We could get drunk together, my mother, me and him!
Jeanie, good luck in trying to keep 3 generations in the same home all together and happy! It must be a hard work!
(0)
Report

hey Jam! I'll trade you for one COL and raise you one Mom!
(0)
Report

I fold.........
(0)
Report

Oh yeah!!! I hear ya Seeme!!!!
(1)
Report

I have been taking care of my 94-year old Mother for about a year. Over time I realized that I was becoming a whining, resentful person. My sister lives right next door but only takes Mom on holidays for a few hours. That's it. My brother lived across the country. I tried talking to them about my dilemma but nothing came of it. I held so much bitterness in my heart towards my siblings. My blood pressure wasn't up from Mom, it was my inner turmoil. I had to let it go. My brother died, unexpectedly, 2 weeks ago. Tonight I wrote out funeral thank-you cards with/for Mom. He always was her favorite. (that "mom and son" thing.)
My point here is that I just can't imagine what this poor woman is going through. I whine and get mad but I am not in constant pain from carpal tunnel or a pinched nerve in my upper neck. My knees work. I can see and hear. I can cook my own meals and do my own laundry. I am in my own house. I can walk to the mail box and get my own mail. I don't have to wait for someone to take me to Church. My children visit often. I don't feel like a burden.
I just realized that what I am doing is a privilege and that some day I will be able to look back without regrets and with the good memories. I know that this is temporary and that one day I will actually miss the complaints that I can't do anything about, her childish behavior and repeated stories. I live a pretty simple life style so its easy for me escape even briefly to my garden or a book. I actually rescued a hummingbird the other day which must sound incredibly stupid, but to have felt his vibration in my hand when he must have been very near death was sooo uplifting! If God is looking out for that tiny bird, surely he's looking out for us.
All caregivers are in my prayers. Lets be thankful for what we have and find the simple pleasures in life.
(0)
Report

mj, thanks I have some stuff going on right now that is not caregiver related, but I did need to hear that God is looking out for me right now.. I have got to get quite, let go of the anger and let Him guide me where I need to go next... If we are listening, God always makes sure we get the messages he sends... so thank you again... hugs to you.
(0)
Report

Ladies, even tho MJ has given me some peace with her message, I will take all the old ladies for one BG and sil, I hate them both this evening.. but will do as I said to MJ, let it go and let God guide me... hugs across the miles to all of you .
(0)
Report

(((((((((((ladeeda)))))))) - don't know who BG is or sil (son in law, sister in law?) but I have had to let go and let God with my sister. I can't deal with the anger and manipulation from her any more. Neither am I angry at her any more. I can only protect myself. I have forgiven her because it is good for me and according to my beliefs. This is not to say I may not get hurt and angry again, but I need to deal with it pretty quickly or it gnaws at me. I guess one thing that helps me is to lower my expectations of her. She is as she is and I can't change that. Only God can do that. He is looking after you and will gives you peace. Love Joan
(0)
Report

mj....you do indeed sound like a caring angel and your mother is very lucky that you are able to help care for her. Sometimes it seems like the only answer to our trials and tribulations is to leave it in the hands of a higher authority. I can relate to the death of your brother....I care for my mil and she lost her only daughter in 2008 to diabetic complications.....and of course that has contributed to her depression. She does not believe in God or the after life......and that makes it hard sometimes when she talks about when her time comes to leave this world.

Hope all of our friends have had a wonderful day..........

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
(1)
Report

deefer does she pull weeds?
(0)
Report

mj - sorry to hear about your brother. Having lost a son I can tell you that you that your mother is suffering deeply and that you are quite right that you cannot imagine what she is going through. She is likely in the "numb stage" and will be for a few months and then more severe pain sets in. Often 3, 6 and especially 9 months are harder than usual as well as any special days - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and the like. Grief is very physical and she may well have some related symptoms. Decent sleep is very hard for many for quite a while and self care in general seems pointless. I understand about the hummingbird. My heart goes out to both of you. You are grieving the loss of your brother too. (((((((Hugs)))))) Joan
(0)
Report

emjo, BG and sil (son in law) are the daughter and sil of the lady I took care of until she died...It has been a mess, chaos and confusion, ect from day one.. I have given myself permission to have a hissy fit today, but will regroup and do what I know to do. Trust in God to take me to my next destination... it is a long story and have posted about those two so much it is even starting to bore Me, but their influence on me is about to be a distant memory, I will persevere and thanks for the encouragement... I will be a grown up tomorrow, tonight I indulge myself with having childish resentment... You are a sweet positive lady and I hope you keep posting here as we need your words and experiences.. hugs to you..
(1)
Report

Mj, sorry for your brother. You seem a sweet person. I have known this site for 1 year now, and if I should make statistics, I would say that 99 per cent of us caregivers has no help whatever from our siblings. (the problem becomes ours and only ours) So I guess we have to learn to live with it! I enjoy myself sending photos of my mother (by email) to my brother and I know that every time he sees them, he feels a sense of guilt because he knows very well he is absent. This is my personal pleasure, and I don't do anything else! It would be useless anyway.
(1)
Report

Ladee, so you are on the move again!!!! You'll find a better place. It's like being in town and find all traffic lights green, one after another... Don't worry!
(0)
Report

Rossella, I just love you, plain and simple.... hugs across the miles to you..
(0)
Report

sorry been busy and i have caregiver help coming 2x a wk besides me still taking care of my husband. I had incident myself that may indicate a seizure won't find out until this wk. apparently with the stress and dealing with things in general i had some sort of blackout but I am also getting along with my bike tho ppl here in town are poking fun at me riding a 24 inch with training wheels. Laugh I do not care at least i am at doing it in my 30's not in my 50's lol.
(1)
Report

good way to look at it Rossella, I'm trying not to worry. I will end up where I am supposed to be... thanks for the love and support... hugs to you
(1)
Report

burnedn, happy to hear you have some help,and I think riding your bike is so cool. Let them poke fun, while you are HAVING fun...Hope your health issues turn out to be minor. Keep us informed.. we care, hugs across the miles..
(1)
Report

Hey everybody. I've been so busy. Briefly checking in. I saw a newbie who seems to be in a similar situation exept ouch with 2. It is so hard dealing with the kids and elderly under the same roof. Not sure how old your kiddoes are. I hav a twelve year old daugter that I let rea d a portion of the book the 36 hour day. It has a chapter for children and teens. my aunt who I care for has not officially been diagnosed but it there. And so much more evident after reading this book, to my. Daughter to. Its hard to find that thin line. You are right you want to be protective of your children. Mother bear feelings come in and say wait a minute my child, my house, my fridge they can get in there if they want! The cargiver part of us is annoyed but says, she can't help it, its not her fault. The best way I have learned to respond is I don't , iif it is somthing little that I can explain to my child later and say she dosnt understand, I know its hard for you, this isn't her anymore, its the disease. I have also learned the term litle white lie. Oh yes auntie I told her to get into the fridge. Nope I don't mind if they stand on the couch, its old. No she wasn't playing in the dish soap, I told her she could wash her hands. Somtimes it dosnt even have to make sense. My kids have learned to a point to get around stuff to. For instance my daughter has rearranged her room so its less accesible for auntie to just walk right in. Hang in there. Its hard. Will post more tommarrow.
(3)
Report

Good Morning, everyone. I hope the day gets started off with good humor after plenty of sleep. I am almost giddy with it, sleep that is. We had a thunderstorm last night and some rain which we sorely needed. Help was here last night and took the brunt of a bad night for mom......up 4-5 times and hour. She wrote times down for a while and then gave up after she took mom in the kitchen for toast and a breathing treatment. I am so glad I was spared all of that. And I wouldn't trade Kathy for the world. Just hope she doesn't get burned out.

Mom wanted to go out yesterday to find another (3rd) electric throw at Bed,Bath, and Beyond, so I took her. When we got in the store, she told me she also wanted to look at leather coats. Rriiiiiiiiiiiighttt. It is June, mom, let's look for the throw first. Nope, don't have any more, but we can look for the coat. Gee, mom, I don't see any clothes here. Let's go to the mall. Before I got out on the highway good, she wanted to go home, so that was the extent of our trip out.

Now she will sleep all day no mattter what I do, and I have housework that needs to be done in other parts of the house, so she will sleep if it is just in her chair.

Will check back later...............
(0)
Report

OMG I too, had the poop thing yesterday! It's really getting to me. Cleaning mom alone took 1 hour and one whole box of wipes then a shower. It was on the floor, sink, walls, toilet etc and how it drys so fast is beyond me. I was scrubbing for another hour at least. I, unlike you, don't think I can take this much longer. I have 7 people living in the house and it's caos here. Then mom says to me later, "well it wasn't that bad was it!" OMG
(0)
Report

Good Morning Posse!!

The sun is shining and the new care giver starts this morning! Oh please let this all work out......I decided with someone new that might be a good way to get the tv on another channel. Last night I was getting my 20th update on the Casey Anthony trial and I finally looked at her and said just stop......I don't care, I've heard it all, no I can't imagine how a mother could do that, I don't know why she did it, but I DON'T CARE..........."fine, I'll never say anything about it again".....alrighty then, that's a start. Watching that depressing stuff cannot be good on a demented mind.....

ASG.....better watch out......I may just have you give me book reports....:) It sounds like you are getting a lot of good information. I just may have time today to open my Kindle.

seeme.....looking for a coat reminded me of the mohair sweater and flannel tent (jacket) that the granddaughter sent the col. And he refuses to give them to her. It still makes me angry to send something like that.

ladee.....you're going to find a fabulous place to move and you will forget about BG and sil....and every time you see that For Sale sign still in the yard, you can laugh all the way home. Will they give you visitation for Nobs?

burned.....glad you checked in. Hope your episode was stress induced only. Keep us posted and let us know how you are.

rosella......you are so funny! Have mom hold a sign that says "See you soon" with a suitcase beside her and send that to brother.........that ought to wake him up!

Hi and good morning to everyone............almost time for care giver....need to go let her in and give her the new keys! Yippeeeeee!!!!!!

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
(0)
Report

Yahooooooo, Jam, be sure to get a briefing when she leaves today, and hopefully she will come back !!!! I hope helper can get col to do some different things.

Burned, keep us posted on your health. This caregiving thing can really get you down, both mentally and physically. You can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself.

Bhenson, Welcome to the poop thing.....a never ending source of laughter, or you WILL cry.......

ASG.....getting to be a source of amazing information. My sister read Elder Rage...thank God I don't have that with mom, but she had it with dad.....

Got to get some housework done inbetween running mom to the bathroom........
(0)
Report

Hey every body!!! Lol jam. I downloaded it to my android, so evrytime I have a min. I read a page or two, very hard thing for me to do. I've also been rwading on it while the kids are swimming in the eve, for about an hour after evrything is done I take em out. Ladeeda, I've only read two or threee pages of elder rage. I didn't know you cared for your mom also. Hey rosela, deef, starii, seemer how are you my dear. I really need to read back and catch up. Loove ya guys.
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter