This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Oh, the vagaries of modern medicine and the damn doctors who run the show!!! I have to applaud the doctor who will stand up and say "I don't know".....they are human after all, even though in crisis we expect them to perform miracles. Tina, the doctor is looking at Aunt from a clinical standpoint, not a personal, familial point like you are. You and Aunt might very well be correct in that something is wrong due to the drastic weight loss, but could it be that it is caused by end of life? I have to think that Aunt is being really smart here and knows what she wants....which is to live the rest of her life as peacefully as possible. So let's say a bunch of tests are run and something is found....I think maybe you are swinging toward a cancer of some sort.....what happens then? Chemo...which takes the body down to almost nothing before rallying back? She probably wouldn't come out of it simply because of age and the toll it takes..........I'm thinking she knows exactly how she wants to depart this world.......and I say "you go girl"! Have a back-up plan because we all know what happens to Plan A. Our best intentions get shot out of the window by forces and events that we have no control over. I spent 8 mo prior to placing the col assuring her that she would be taken care of at home, but after considering all the facts....money for assistance, ease of doctor visits...they don't make house calls and it's unethical for Target to treat her...the only possible solution was the NH. Also I had to consider the cost to my physical health and Target's, our mental well-being as well as our own quality of life. We have decided that after the phone calls from the col yesterday we must put a stop to her calling us. We will call her once a day but we can't go through the now demanding to come home...and she is getting downright mean about it and trying her best to send Target on a guilt trip....isn't working but the constant barrage of comments are wearing on his brain. Can you imagine what it would be like if she were still home.......the constant harping to go shoppy-shoppy or out to eat....when we all know she can't. It's true that getting old isn't for sissies......I for one don't know that I'm doing it too gracefully myself....I find that I have a tendency to go down kicking and screaming..............
My love and prayers and hugs go out to all of you angels today.....and I wish you a peace- filled day.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Jam, in hindsight, I now undertand that when my mom wanted to go home, she was talking about her hometown, not the house she lived in for over 50 years. And that is part of the dying process. She spent more and more time living in the past during sleep. Some of the times I thought she was calling for her sister, she was playing with her friend with the same name. She started calling for people I didn't know and later I found out they were childhood friends Maybe going "home' doesn't mean your house. Just a thought..........
Hubby hasn't said anything else about bringing his mom here. She is having more mental issues with not finding the right words, can't remember where she is, doing strange things. I know we are more able to take care of her than his brother, but she is too combative. And she has no "filter" on her actions.........comes from being spoiled by her husband. Hubby actually sat in the kitchen the other night and raised his eyes to the ceiling and said, "Thanks, Dad!!" The family has 2 months to decide what to do next. Can't imagine taking her back to Maine to live by herself for the summer and handing her car keys back to her. Money shouldn't be an issue, but her personality is. You can't tell her the time of day...........
But nothing will stand in the way of my spring puppies. About 2 mos now and they will be mine. Friends came over last night and brought a HUGE crate that we can use in our bedroom until they get too big, or house trained, whichever happens first. Now we can get a cushion for the crate, so we get to go shopping tomorrow when hubby is off work.
Rosella, gald Dorothy came home and you are staying warm. Burned, Notlike, Zoey, Ladee, Austin, Vic, Stormy.......and everyone else.........have a good day, get a nap if you can, and know that I am thinking about you and reading everything you say. My prayers are with you for peace as you go about your duties. Love and hugs.............
She is rather anemic with a hemoglobin of 8.2. They offered her blood transfusions, but she refused. Other than taking care of herself, and light cooking for her and Dad, she doesn't do much, so she's tired, but not exhausted. For Dad's sake, I need to find something for them to do during the day that won't tire her out too much, that she'll agree to do, and that will get him out and about with other people. Hmmmm...maybe a small garden in the spring.
I have an awful cold and just want to sleep. No such luck. 3 hours at the doctors yesterday, and working besides. I did get a sweet valentine from hubby. Made my day :)
It's been quiet lately on the site. Hope everyone is well and resting-not just too busy to post. LOL We can dream, right?
Good night, and better tomorrows.
sorry you have a bad cold.... your body is wore out from stress and no sleep....
And very happy to hear hubby did good on the valentine's day gift..... take care of yourself, love and hugs.....
Seeme, I have the same problems with my mother. She was spoiled by her parents in the first place, and by my father later, so I have 3 people to thank for what she is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ASG..agree with everyone else about auntie. Take care you! Prayers and hugs
Notlike...great news with mom..maybe more veggies like spinach and some lean red meat to boost her iron?
So tired these days ....
I think we are all tired, needing sunshine here! As much as we are grateful for the rain, we sure could use a few days of sunshine, in a row preferably... but God is letting us know we don't get to have it all.... because we are almost out of the drought..... won't be long and I will be complaining about the relentless sun shining all day.....
But I think we need to be seeing wildflowers and gardens coming up...we live in an area where the bluebonnets and indian blankets bloom like crazy in the spring when we get rain.... can''t wait to see colors besides grey....
My little Sonny man goes to his best friends funeral today..... I am so happy that the daughter knows this is something he needs to do, whether he remembers or not.... I think Marie is going to stay home... which I think the daughter is releived about.... so prayers for Sonny today, to tell his friend, see ya later old friend.....
love and hugs.... hope everyone checks in today.... we need something to laugh about....
Have done a yippee for notlike's momma....wonderful news! But sorry to hear you have a cold....sometimes I think a cold is worse with so many different symptoms and an unknown time that it just drags on and on.
The sun is shining here, supposed to be in the 40's....going to put some pepper plants in containers to start their growth for the garden. Was going to put seeds in the Aerogarden, but had to order a new pump, so maybe I will start the lettuce in that when the pump gets here. Everything else is direct sow....I can't wait to get outside. Thinking about paying the neighbor boys to come and rake out the garden and the leaves that have blown up against the col's fence.
seeme....I'm not sure what to think about the col and wanting to go home. She has mentioned us taking her to San Francisco....that's where she was born and lived for a short time....she doesn't remember her home she lived in before building her house here....and she doesn't remember here at all. Target has always said he fears for her soul because she doesn't believe there is anything after death....I do know the morning her daughter passed away she talked for 2 hours on the phone and I mentioned several times that she was now with her Dad, the col's husband, in peace and no longer in pain and the col didn't argue one bit about that. She seemed to take comfort in that her daughter was in heaven. So I don't know what to think. We let her have a cooling off period yesterday....will call this morning to see how she is. I have errands to run so will probably just drop in to see her. Her missing quilt still hasn't shown up, so it's going to be up to me to do a search for it.
Hope everyone has a good day.............hugs to all!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Vic-I hope you get some much needed rest this weekend. We can always hope, right?
Ladee- i will say a prayer for sonny. It is always hard losing a friend or anyone you care about. Dad has lost a many a friends over the years and i know it does not get any easier when someone dies. You got the stomach virus? i will definely say a prayer for you that it leaves you soon. saltine crackers and ginger ale. Always helps me. Love and hugs to you.
Jam-sorry that the col is having a hard time dealing with being at the nh. Hopefully she will quit asking when she can come home. Prayers for you and target.
ros-hope you get some rest today.
Seemee- good luck with the puppies. What kind are you getting and how many?
Dad is doing the same, no news here same old same old. So i hope ya'll have a good day today. Love and hugs stormyyy
Jam, a garden sounds so good, been a while since I had one of those. I love a fresh tomato straight from the vine.
Ladee I hope that you are feeling better, I hate the stomach virus..
I think that when our loved ones are sick, it seems like it is forever. Stormy, hang tight..
Burned, what part of AZ are you in ? Glenn and I will be coming to Surprise, hopefully next month as long as nothing else gets in the way.
Big Hugs All and prayers for rest, both for you and for those that you care for.
I think that I would be looking for a bottle as well. Wish that we were there, I could make you some chicken soup or something. Or maybe "accidently" water the guys behind your trailer..lol.. Get as much rest as you can my friend, I believe I am going to kick Glenn out of bed, and go back to bed myself, backs been hurting for a couple of days now.
Ladee-Prayers for Sonny, and you to get better quick. Dad has his moments of not feeling well because these treatments wear him out, but all in all he feels pretty good. He was always more social than Mom, and being here day after day with only going to the hospital and shopping makes him bored. But we can't sign them up for anything regular to do - Mom wouldn't go and there's so many doctors appointments, they eat up the schedule.
Vic-glad your Dad is feeling good. Please be careful moving him! Do you have help that could show you some techniques? It won't do either of you any good if you wreck your back. Hugs.
Jam - I want to be outside too! It's been in the 40's here, and the snow is almost gone. My hands are just itching to be in the dirt! Would you please all decide which dance you are sending north? It snowed (flurries) here today while the sun was shining! LOL
Burned - hope you are enjoying your fun day. Hugs.
Stormy - You sound human. Thank you for your courage and stength to say it. It is hard - one day can blend into another. And another. Hugs and know we are listening.
Dad and I are going to mop the kitchen floor tomorrow. It irks me that she points out what's dirty. Also that she's right - the floor needs mopping. But it's a chore for me with my back, so I don't do it often enough. And the dogs and boots and shoes just mess it up right away anyway. So she "volunteered" Dad to do it. Enough! She has him doing so many chores - dishes, vacuuming, their laundry, some of the cooking for them, and he or I run her errands whem she's too tired to go out. So I said he and I would do it together. I didn't move them here to get my house clean! I feel bad adding more for "them" when I know it will be just him doing it. So we'll do it together, and she will be happy it's clean. Until next time it's dirty...
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Those poor guys worked in the pouring rain today, mud up to thier knees trying to get finished with the new water line... doesn't do me any good, I have no running water in the house... poor guys, wish I had thought to buy some beer when I was out today.... I sure would have given it to them.....I fussed about all the noise they made, but felt so bad for them working so hard in the mud and rain..... Hopefully they are finished... and it's Friday, so I can sleep in in the morning...
Started feelling better around three this afternoon.... just wish the headache would go away and I'll be as good as a 61 yr. old can be....
Wanted to share something I thought about today, and I know many of you will relate....I was brushing my hair today to go to the store, and realized how seldom I look at my face in the mirror... when I do, I see many more wrinkles than last year... last year was long and rough...but I also think I don't look to closely because I don't want to see what my physical self has become, from the young woman that had so many hopes and dreams, and now I am simply and old lady working to survive, simple goals of paying the rent and taking care of my car.... I don't think I was sad as much as dissapointed that I didn't try harder to realize some of my dreams... but I also know I didn't have the wisdom I have now to get it done... in some ways, some goals can still be reached, like having my own business of making and selling my art work... but just wonder where that young woman is, is she still in there with all her idealism, her being naive about how the world really works....I know she never imagined the trials she would have, but I know she has always been a survivor.... I just so want to LIVE for a change, and not just survive..... it is making my soul so weary.....
As I said, I know many of you will relate and I don't mean to be a Debby Downer, but wanted to share my thoughts with ya'll... deep breath, one foot in front of the other, onward thru the fog, love and hugs....
Night everybody. Keep safe
Ladee dear, what is stopping you from walking in the rain? from finding that mud puddle and stomping your way through it? I watch people as they run through the rain, racing to their cars so they don't get wet, do they not realize that they get wetter than that in the shower? their clothes get wet in the washer? lol, take a umbrella if you want, but get out of the house.. might even help the headache.
There is nothing saying you can't go for your dreams, do your art and find yourself a local art gallery or consignment shop and put them there.. I am sure that somewhere among the cattle ranches and the oil wells, there is a artist colony in TX.
The nice thing about our age? We now have the "wisdom" to MAKE our dreams happen.
Stormy, the path ahead you are taking is going to be a tough one. it sounds like you need something as well to cheer you up, is dad's house dark and dreary? If it is, open the curtains, get light and air in there. You might not be able to open the windows and doors, but you can get bright pillows and throw rugs. he won't wear his humidifier mask? Can you stash a humidifier machine somewhere in the room? Go to the store and find yourself some aroma therapy, lavender, will help you both relax. As for dad letting you suction him? can his doctor explain why that needs done?
Find something to help cheer you up as well. While you might not be able to go out in the yard and get dirty, a window or glass door and some pots will help you have a garden. Chia has these little herb pots you can grow now..
Ya'll talking about gardens is making me home sick.. lol, I want to plant a garden, see my fish pond.. we have a friend feeding the fish so their not starving.. Bet my birds think I've deserted them though, I am not there to fill the bird feeder. Nothing like having a cardinal sitting on a snowy branch staring in the house at you to make you feel guilty for not having been out and filling the feeder. I don't know if I posted it on my face book page, but I have a picture of 3 of them doing that, I felt so bad...lol, promptly went out and filled the feeder.
All this "togetherness" hubby and I are having in our travels, have just about got us at each others throats.. He was telling me yesterday about a couple he knew that were married for 30 years, she had him retire early, they set off traveling and were divorced in under a year.. told him I believe we'd better go home before we ended up in divorce court. Think South Carolina still has a cooling off period before they grant a divorce, have to be separated for a year before you can get rid of each other.
Everyone, get out of the house for at least 5 minutes today if at all possible. Winter gets everyone down.
Big Hugs to all
Lots of winter blahs here......I've always said "we never grow up....we just learn how to act in public".......don't you just want to do something outrageous occasionally to shake people up? The last several days have gotten very oppressive for me also and I find I'm tired of having to make phone calls, fill out paperwork, make decisions on things, worry about insurance and SS and Medicare, pay bills, in short I don't want to play adult right now..........I've got plenty of dead leaves in my yard, but darn it I have to rake them away from the fence first and this old body doesn't have the back to do that. That's why notlike is getting flurries with the sunshine.....can't do an effective snow dance...:)
stormy....I know this is hard on you, heck it's hard for those of who have raised kids and are 20 yrs older than you......can you take a break? Hire someone to come in and stay with Dad for a week and give yourselves a mini-vacation. You have to do that sometimes before you become very resentful. You might also talk with Dad and let him know he MUST wear the mask to keep all the goobers from plugging up his trach.....otherwise when he becomes so occluded you have to call for ambulance, it means hours in the ER doing what could have been done easily by you.
starri's suggestion is excellent..........throw open the curtains and drapes....get some fresh air if possible.....buy some fresh flowers to put on a table, little things like that can pick up your spirits. I keep Walmart fresh flowers in the center of my dining table......$10 every couple of weeks is well worth the benefits I get from seeing the flowers.......puts a little life into an otherwise dreary day.
ladee.....sounds like you are feeling better and that you also need a break....so glad starri will soon be there to give you some diversion. I look in the mirror and see my Mom staring back at me....oh Good God just don't let me start to act like her! While married to her last husband she got very "crafty" as in arts and crafts....she would save everything and I mean everything because maybe she could use it to make something.....from popsicle sticks to toilet paper rolls to cotton out of pill bottles......when her things were brought down here from Michigan after her husband passed away, I found a box of doll heads.....rather spooky looking things. For years myself and my siblings talked about the time Mom got into this painting mode and before she was done, every floor, molding, trim, stairs, railings all were painted brown....might as well have moved outside and lived in a dirt hole........so I pray that her paint gene didn't get passed onto me also....:) My Dad always said he felt like he raised 6 kids instead of 5, but now that I look back, maybe she was a lot smarter than I thought!
Sending love and hugs to all of you today!
Happy Trails,
Jam
And I don't think I needed feedback as much as I needed to know I am not alone in my thinking... I know what I have to do... I've been digging myself out of holes my entire life... just goes with the territory....
And Stormy, I so relate to you... being the youngest no one thinks we have a brain cell or a voice...it's hard to stand up for yourself in these situations... family dynamics are stronger than us sometimes...guess one day you and I will meet on the hiway when we both decide to run away from home..... I'll have my cat, a few clothes and the rest will be art supplies, piled in my car.. You'll have Conner, the puppy, lots of clothes and we'll both have the same look on our faces.... WE DID IT!!!!!!! Then we can help each other thru the guilt and shame.... lol....
And Starri, there hasn't been a dry leaf here in weeks.... it we hear anything 'crackling' it's lightning, followed by thunder...wouldn't be so bad if my house wasn't so tiny and there wasn't leaks in the roof... and we all live so close together here, it's not about opening the curtains.... it's like the commercial, we can reach out and touch someone... I'll be ok once I get to go on the back roads... and everyone is so looking forward to spring... not summer, but spring.... with all this rain the wildflowers are going to be overwhelming... hopefully Starri, you will be getting here about that time....
Starri when you get here, we'll plant something... mostly we'll be planting our butts in lawn chairs and getting caught up....but it will be so goooood to have another woman to talk to.... OWHN ( I call her husband old what's his name) will just have to find him something to do..... maybe him and my son can whine and piss and moan together and leave us alone..... I do know the backroads here, he'll never find us.....
So with all that being said, I am going to work on my "head" that I am sclupting.... it is starting to reflect my mood, she is a tad disgruntled, but that's what art is, speaking from your soul....
Hope everyone has a DAY, whether it be good or not...and also hope we start getting more posts as this life is hard enough without having to do it without our friends... it's ok if you aren't in a good mood, not grateful today, tired, back hurting, frown on your face.... hopefully we are in this together....
love and hugs....
t
Night everyone.
The floor did not get mopped today, oh my. Instead, hubby and I moved closets around and the kitchen floor was the staging area. I just finished putting the stuff away and we're not mopping tonight. Dad said that there's always tomorrow for mopping...he really gets how things work around here :)
I did take Dad out to do a bit of grocery shopping. All Mom said to him was "Don't buy alot of stuff." She's really tired from chemo this week, and it shows. Dad and I have alot of fun shopping together, and she doesn't like that. I feel bad she is worn out, but he needs to get out sometimes, so that's the way it is. I offered to bring her lunch and make her dinner, so she has nothing real to complain about.
Mirrors are not my friend either. I see my mother's face. And traces of that younger girl. I know it feels like surviving, but it really is living. The care you give, the warm blanket you curl up in at night, a good cup of soup, a smile from a stranger when you're running errands - that's real. Real life. The rest is just baggage to make us appreciate the real. And I think losing idealism is the price of wisdom. Wisdom is better - it doesn't take as much energy as idealism. :)
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Stormy - many, many blessings to you this coming year. Take just one day at a time. You will not get your days off back, so try to relax and enjoy them. Your days with Dad will come on their own, without you worrying about them.
Stari - I love puddles and rain and catching snowflakes on my tongue! You are so right! Hugs.
Jam-dance all you want :) Fluries are pretty and don't make a mess. LOL