This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Notlike- Thank you for the blessings I know i need them.
Jam- I am sorry but i feel that i am already at the very resentful point. I wish that i wasn't cause i do not know what to do with all these emotions and feelings. When i was so depressed before and had to get on the antidepressants, i was feeling the same way and the pills kinda helped take that away, but the feelings have resurfaced again. And hubby and i have talked about carrying connor to disney world in may for a week. And then the guilt of having to leave sis here to take care of him hits me in the face. Then having to think about a schedule for everybody for that week. And seeing if they will stay with him. Just everything seems like a hassle. I'm just scared that one day i am going to end up hating him and i don't want that. And sis will not get anymore help in there, she would rather me stay there and let resentment turn into hate, just to keep dad happy. Cause i believe he just wants me and sis to take care of him. No one else, no outsiders.
Ladeee- like your idea of running away and meeting. And i don't know what we are going to do with the guilt and shame feelings. I guess we could figure it out together. Love and hugs everyone, thanks for all the suggestions stormyyyy
I look a lot like Mom, my baby brother really does, lol.. Thankfully I haven't acquired many of her habits.. Jam I did find doll heads, paper towel rolls, toilet paper rolls, Styrofoam balls and cones. Lets not forget the croissant boxes, lol. More beads and bottles of paint than you can shake a stick at. Oh, found boxes of packing peanuts, she thought that in her crafting she might have a need for them, I read your post and thought Oh, My God, Mom had a twin..she didn't know about rofl..
It sounds like we've all managed to find and remember something that gives us pleasure. Hold on to those little things, and if your "life" caring for your loved one has gotten to the point that you have forgotten to do them, start again, nothing says you can't.
Jam, I will do my best to send you some of this wind we have here to blow those leaves away from the fence if you promise to keep it.. We've got a lot of work to do in the next few days. Kinda hard to work outside when you have sand blowing in your eyes. OWHN ( I love that Ladee and am stealing it, kinda like the COL) is fighting a ear infection and wants to be a pain in the ass about going to see the doctor. Won't take long, won't cost a thing, but he wants to be a pain about it. I threatened him with a ambulance last night. We'll see how he is feeling today, if he's still not well, like it or not he's going to the hospital. Last time he wanted to argue with me about going, he ended up spending a week in ICU with septis. You know the marriage vows "for better or Worse, in Sickness and in Health?" well, I've covered all those now..lol.. including putting diaper cream in places that have not seen it since before he could walk. I thought my therapist was going to fall out of the chair when I told her about that.
195Austin, I am glad as well to hear that someone else likes to stomp the fall leaves.. OWHN looks at me like I've finally lost hold on my last bit of sanity. I keep reminding him, I'm crazy and have the paperwork to prove it. You'd think a 3 inch folder from Mental Health would do the trick...lol..
Stormy, I believe it was you who was talking about anti depressants, go get you some more. This job is enough to get anyone depressed, and there is nothing wrong in asking for help.
Ladee, your sculpting? What about making that head look like someone you know and then beating the snot out of it.. lol, might just make you feel better. Release some of that frustration. What about asking her daughter or son if you can take him to the Senior Center for a while, isn't it him that you are caring for to begin with? to bad you can't hog tie her and throw her in the trunk and take her too, getting out of the house and having someone to talk to might make her feel better as well. It is weird but the guy that we bought this motorhome from told us before he sold it that he had put sealant on the roof for protecting it, guess what? he has 3 gallons of the stuff that he is suppose to be dropping off at Glenn's sisters for us. I'll make sure he does, and you start looking around for someone younger than us to be climbing up on top. In the mean time, get your butt to the nearest hardware store, walmart or dollar store that you have around and get yourself a couple of tarps and some bungee cords, the tarps can be put over the top and secured with the bungee's to help keep down the damage. Rope or clothes line will work as well. I've used clothes line in re-screening a door. Ya got'd do what you got'd do..
Getting rid of Glenn isn't going to be a problem, there are new roads for him to explore on the bike, he likes to stay in his lounge chair and not to mention the fact that we won't be in the same park together, so I just take the truck and come on over, actually the truck might be a good thing, it's 4 wheel drive.
I want to get on the road so bad.. but I have to be patient, Glenn's already agreed with me, that holing up in TX for a month or so is going to be a good thing..lol.. We might have to over night the paperwork on the motorhome to a friend so that he can get it registered for us.. tag's go in april. Anyway, been working on this for over a hour now.. need to send it before it's too big
Hugs all
Sun is shining here and will be in the 50's.....supposed to go see the col today but think I will stay home while Target goes and do some baking. She's mad at me anyway....her first phone call yesterday resulted in her getting mad because I wouldn't rush to the NH to bring her home....after all Target is a doctor and can do anything........the second call last night...she refused to talk to me....resulted in her telling Target that there's no reason he can't fix what's wrong with her. This conversation went on while she was drinking a glass of brandy...yep standing orders for alcohol at night.....but the nurse and I discussed trying Seroquel so will call the doctor on Monday. Going to take her off Namenda and Aricept..costing her too much each month out of pocket and for what? Neither one does squat for memory so why bother putting more chemicals in her?
starri.....omg they were twin Mom's!!!!! Anything that came out of a box, wrapper, package of any kind was saved. That must be where I got my throw away attitude....there isn't much I keep.
stormy.....maybe you're not dealing so much with depression as you are anxiety and that's why you aren't feeling better. Treated differently. At least you recognize your feelings and know you should do something. And remember....we can't allow guilt to rear it's ugly head....don't put away your family plans, they are important and your immediate family must come first. So make your plans for Disney....I think they have been running some specials so get them while you can...sis and bro will suck it up and take over where you are absent. If I remember correctly, sis got the opportunity for a few days at the beach with short notice to you and you stepped up to allow her the chance to go. Is there a calendar on the wall at Dad's where everyone can see future plans? We kept one for the col so there wasn't any doubt.....put one up, put your dates away on it and everyone can see you will be gone and plans for Dad's care can be worked around that. It's not as hard as you think to stand up and say no.....the world won't collapse in on itself....I've discovered that lately with the col....just say no.
starri.....you're going to take away my vision of ladee sitting on her special seat with an umbrella in her hand...:)....but I do like your plans for getting out and just think about all the rocks you girls can put in the back of the truck.....
Well it looks like my day of baking has been shot to hell.........Target woke up with gout in both feet so it looks like I will be doing the running today, so instead of finishing this I must hit the shower and get busy.
Wishing a peaceful day filled with love for all you angels........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Stormy, I know it won't do any good to tell you this because guilt rules your life, but you would not be 'leaving' your sis to take care of everything... it is a choice her and your dad are making to not get outside help.... it is part of growing up, to be able to set down with your sis, no matter how nervous you are, no matter how much guilt you feel, ect... and tell her what you can do, what you are willing to do, what you are no longer going to do.... I know, just reading this you are feeling the anxiety in the pit of your stomach and shaking your head no....sometimes depression is anger turned inward.... and to be honest, I don't think it will be your dad you will be hating, it will be yourself for not figuring out a way to make a stand.... so you will be upset and nervous and afraid you are going to upset someone... so what, isn't your life worth more than being a puppet on a string, isn't Conners life worth more than having a depressed and angry mom, all because you and hubby could set sis down and make some changes... possibly small ones in the begining....and just because dad doesn't WANT outside help doesn't mean he can't get some.... none of us get thru this life with everything we WANT and that appliies to your dad also.....
I know you won't do any of the above, but I am just saying what we have all been saying to you for months... YOU DO HAVE CHOICES ABOUT YOUR LIFE.... that is not to negate any of the feelings you are having....they are very real, and causing you all sorts of problems.....grow some balls Stormy, or borrow your husbands, but do something about your life... you are worth more than just being a slave to illness....your son deserves a mom that is not teaching him to do things in life out of guilt.... and I hope Conner doesn't end up resenting you for not putting him and his dad first.... strong words here Stormy, but also said with love and worry that you are disappearing before our eyes... into that fog of caregiving that changes us forever and not always in a good way....
Just some things to think about.... and if you don't go on that vacation with your son and husband, I hope you don't tell us about it... I will be so upset for Conner that I will find it hard to keep posting to you.... I know your mom is no longer here to help you with this... but you have a whole bunch of mom's here that are willling to wallk you thru standing up for yourself and your relatiionship with your son.... I know how terrifiying it can be, the first time I really stood up to my dad, my arms went numb, literatley, my head was buzzing, I couldn't breathe, and I am not making this up.... but it is the best thing I ever did... I saw that I lived thru all the fear, the fear of someone being upset with me, the fear of taking responsibility for myself....I could no longer play the 'blame game', if I was so unhappy with what was going on, I needed to change some things... and guess what, I survived, he survived, and I had a hard fought and won freedom that no one could GIVE me. I am sorry you are in this situation, but nothing changes until something changes... my intention here is not to fuss at you, or make you feel bad, but I would have regrets in my own life if I didn't share this with you.... if you don't or can't change things, I'll still love you, and care that your life is what it is...but I think you need a good dose of self respect..... and that has to be earned... it is not a given.... so with all that being said, prayers sent for you to at least take that much needed vacation and have some fun for a change.... angels to help lighten your load....
s
Speaking of that, we are headed to SC next weekend to check on my mil as she has been told she can no longer drive. The doctor took a lot of blood and some urine hoping to figure out what is wrong with her. May be nothing he can fix. Now comes the hard part......telling her she can't go back to Maine to live by herself. Don't know how that will play out. She kinda reminds me of the col without the make-up and rollers.....she's a shoppy, shoppy spoiled only-child-woman. To me, she is showing signs of end of life, but in the meantime we have to figure out how to deal with her living arrangements. Never easy, but I find myself more detached, since she isn't my mother.
I will be checkin in more often now, as I find comfort with you all. I have been selfishly trying to get back to normal.....whatever that is.....
Starri, I laughed at your certification!!! I just missed mine by 6 weeks of St. John's Wort....and six more weeks to grieve. Doc was pleased to see me smiling and joking at my last visit. Plus when I told him the things I had accomplished since the previous visit, he gave up on the psychiatrist.
Still a couple of months till puppy time. We did buy the mattress pad for the big crate, and hubby looked at feeding stations at the flea market we went to yesterday. He should be able to make one, no problem. Even bought another toy for them yesterday. You wouldn't think I am a strict parent, but I am.....comes from not having kids.....guess it was a good thing I never did.....I'd probably be in jail....but my dogs will behave in public, be social, and these will travel with us more than any others did.........and it would be nice to have one that wasn't scared of thunder and lightening, but I don't know how to train for that.......oh, well.
Just rambling now, so I will check in later. Rainy and cold today with off and on showers, so I am going to read while hubby sleeps.....temp is dropping as I write, so good day to stay inside. ttyl
Jam- hubby and i have been looking online about going to disney world. Not sure if that is the place we are going to carry him this year but we are definetly carrying him someplace, beach, mountains or disney world. And we have been checking on the deals they are running. (((((hugs)))))
Seemee-you're right that resentful place is not a fun place to be in. (((( hugs ))))
Well, sis just called and told me to tell dad that i was leaving at 6 today and i asked her why? and she just said that he will be fine and we have got to start breaking away some. Shock of the century!!!!!! Now i got to think of a good lie of why i am leaving early at 6 to tell dad.
I dread having to tell him i am leaving cause i feel like he is thinking i should be here with him. God i wish i could just cut my feelings off, and just not give a shit. But i can't.
Ladee- you are right about everything. And we are carrying connor somewhere for vacation this year. Probably disney, i could not go through another year of the guilt i felt for not carrying him on vacation when he was 3 years old. I am a wuss and a coward when it comes to my family especially my dad and sis. And i do need to grow some balls when it comes to them. I have always been scared of my dad ever since i was little. He could look at me and make me cry. I guess i still carry that with me. I am not scared of sis i just don't want us to get mad at each other because i feel that this whole situation with dad has changed our relationship. We are still close but it is just different not like it was two years ago. And i just don't want to damage it further. I guess too i feel like if i ask more time off from dad not just for vacation, that it will seem like i am being selfish. And sis and i don't talk about dad's situation - long term- it is like the big elephant in the room. Walk around it, jump over it, crawl under it, but don't approach the subject. I have no idea what she thinks about our lives long term, how long we can keep this up. In my mind i do blame daddy for this being our lives right now and i know it is not his fault he did not choose to get cancer or have a trach. But try telling that to my mind. I still blame him i guess cause i got to put the blame on someone and he is the one i blame. I have even thought that maybe i need to look to god to help me with all of this, read the bible, pray something. Then i just don't know what to say or do. Ladeee- i want to thank you for being so forward it's not something we want to hear but sometimes we need to. I know i need to talk to sis and see where we stand concerning dad and staying with him. Thanks again. Love, ((((hugs)))) and prayers to you!!! stormyyyy
Old wonderful - Thinking of you strutin' your stuff on your little red scooter! Made me smile :)
Stormy - you are not a child anymore. You're a woman who has a family of her own to care for, too. Beleive it, live it, be it. Strength to you and hugs.
With all Mom's drama and meanness, I have sometimes wondered if I did the right thing by bringing her here. Tonight, I made everyone dinner. She's too tired to do much of anything. She even said she would no longer to be able to keep up the pace at my sisters, with two young girls there. My sister can't cook, so she wouldn't be able to help Mom that way. I think Mom is in the right place. And me too.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Notlike, was thinkning today how far you have come since you first started posting... just wanted you to know how proud I am of you for moving forward in spite of the obstacles.....
And Austin, we never get too old to learn another way of doing things do we... I am relearning some stuff myself right now... when I stop learning, then I don't want to be here anymore...
And Stormy, I am proud of you for being honest about your feelings.. that takes courage and you are not judged, but very much understood, we've been there.... hugs to everyone else.....
Ladee's right stormy, it does take courage to state your true feelings on something, people tend to cover up what is really going on, thinking oh, they dont' really care, when in reality most of the people that you feel you can share this with do, like us here, we understand where you are, where you've been and where you need to go.
I'm hoping for sleep tonight, took one sleeping pill and trying to decide on taking another. or at least a advil pm see if that knocks me out. Brain is starting it again, won't shut up.
I pray that everyone gets rest this evening as well. and that your days tomorrow are bright and beautiful.
Oldwonderful, glad to see you back and happy the 'scoot' is fixed so you have some independence....let us know how you are doing...
Sure wish AC would add emoticons, it would spare me trying to explain the needing to puke sensation about going to work...lol
have a good one, love ya'll
It's supposed to rain here today but if it does I don't have a clue where it's coming from....not a cloud in the vicinity! Unfortunately either way it won't help me....the damn laundry fairy took the day off again!
oldwonderful....good to see you again and so glad you are out and about in the world. And another "saver"......what kind of artsy-crafty things do you make? I had put away my crocheting for a couple of years while the col was here and just got it back out the other day to finish an afghan I had started......dealing with a sore right shoulder since I'm out of practice.
stormy......there is one thing I wanted to touch base with you on and that there is always the misconception that antidepressants are miracle drugs and will make things all better.....they do to a certain extent. What they don't do is make you think you are skipping through a field of daisy's with the sun shining while you scatter flowers around your feet. Where you were functioning with tears running down your face and easily angered over the smallest things.....now you can look at those same things and say...eh I can handle that and there may still be some tears and some anger....but the edge is taken off. Don't start yourself on the path to "something stronger" it will only lead to a dependence of chemicals to get you through your day. If sis called to tell you to leave early, I get the sense that she is very aware of what you are going through....don't sell her short. It's time you and sis went out to lunch together for a heart to heart talk. Do not allow this care giving to come between you and destroy the relationship you have.....when this job is over you two will still be here and you don't want an estranged relationship....believe me.
ladee......sending good thoughts to you for a perfect day with Sonny and Marie but for her only if she plays nice.
seeme....you sound so much better.....countdown to fur babies, can't wait for the pics to start. I don't know how to acclimate them to thunder...my Jack/Chi will lie out on the deck while we are target shooting, but when the thunder starts she's right up my behind....crazy!
starri.....hope you got some sleep last night. Is the wind still blowing? Maybe that and the fact that you want to be on the road are making you restless. Did you ever get your medication issue figured out?
notlike......I agree with ladee....from the time you joined us to now there has been such a change in you.....you are so much stronger now and your mind seems to be in a better place. Hugs!
Wondering how everyone else is doing.....check in when you can.
Must call the doctor's office when they open this morning to discuss adding medication and taking some away from the col. The Saturday demanding to be brought home phone calls were just brain melting............mine not hers I think. She finally succeeded in making Target mad when she kept telling him to figure out how to make her Alzheimer's go away......nothing like trying to send your son on the world's biggest guilt trip. I'm seeing the signs of one of her meltdowns....time to try and stop it before it gets out of hand.
Sending hugs and prayers to all today............
Happy Trails,
Jam
Jam-i'm sure i will probably just stick to the meds i am on. They work well and i don't want to try to get use to another medicine. I know that this problem is mine and mine alone and i just have to find a way to deal with it and get through it.
Ladee- i probably do need to talk to someone, but sis has always been the person i talk to about my problems and this one i feel i can't talk to her about but i know that i have got to change my way of thinking. Well dad is awake so i gotta go i will chat later. hugs stormyyy
So then I turn my back and come back to mom and dads and look at them and think that I will never have this time again. And just sigh.....I say a little prayer to get the ugly thoughts out of my head...just do what needs to be done.
It was such a pretty day yesterday...made me feel good to feel the sunshine
Sis carried dad to the dr today just another check up and i carried lily to the vet for her shots but they wanted to start her on heart worm meds first and then she goes back next week for shots. So i came home and straighten up connor's play room and vaccumed in there and in the den. Sis is suppose to call when they get back from the drs appt. So just sitting here with lily lou napping on my lap. She done good at the vets office. Her first visit there. And they said she weighed 3.9 lbs. So she is growing and loves to eat. Well i guess i will get up from here and go do something probably wash the dishes. hugs and love stormyyyy
been up since 4, going to go lay down for awhile... love ya'll and hope you all had a good day... Welcome Kenna, hope to see you here again....
Ladee - That long of a list, eh? How do you stand it sometimes? Well, you are strong and you know she is so very wrong. We all do. Must be in the air - Mom's gearing up again for meaness. She was decent last week when she was so tired. Sunday she started getting her energy back and we started all over again in Meanville. Very cold, one word answers to me tonight. Just trying to make a little conversation, but she answers like she thinks my questions are stupid. Then yelled at Dad because he didn't know she was done making dinner for them. Now he's supposed to come ask her and find out when it will be ready, then be at the table. Even he thinks it's funny. Sort of.
Tired, tired tired. Working too hard because the other nurse is off and we've been swamped. Wishing I could hear - my cold is gone except for the stuffed up ears. And escaping whenever I can into my FB games and my books. That's probably not healthy, but it's fun.
Dad's last treatment is this week. Yeah! His sugars came back normal. Yeah! Now if he would stop banging himself up and bleeding all over (he's on a blood thinner), he'd be great. :)
Goodnight everyone, and better tomorrows.
But am very proud of you for starting to have some humor about some of it... I know it helps me to look at how ridiculous some of the things she gets upset about.... and like her daughter says, 'if that kitchen sink could talk!!!'.... so am grateful her daughter understands I am not making these things up.... she has gotten so self involved she no longer fixes the coffee pot, puts our thier meds, leaves the kitchen table and sink a mess.... that's ok, keeps me busy and a moving target..... lol....
It's not going to get better, just different... that being how we veiw it and how we handle ourself... we are both doing so much better, thank God we have each other on this thread....
Vickie Vic, I know you are so tired and wanting to be in your own home.... and I appreciate that you share honestly about things, yet try to find something to be grateful for.... some days, I take it in, some days I say to hell with it.... but it always comes back down to blessings..... Surely God has a vacation retreat in Heaven for caregivers...I could do with an Angel massage, how bout ya'll???? I think I would be afraid to get one now, letting all those toxins loose in my body would probably kill me, at least they are contained in muscle now....
So for one more day we did it, one more day we survived, one more day we appreciate each other and the sacrifices we make... that makes it much easier for me anyway.... so love you all, hope you all get some good rest tonight so we can all be 'happy campers' tomorrow.... hugs and angels to everyone who knows what I am talking about....