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Thanks Jam, that might work. :)
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Notlike, it is ok if she gets angry, that is a choice she makes... give it some thought and TELL her no, she is used to doing as she pleases when she pleases... it is not ok to take over your house, and possibly put your dad in harms way... I am learning how to handle Marie, and it's ok if she pouts or gets angry.... I simply TELL her, in as few words as possible, and then go on about my business, not setting there waiting for the drama... We are controlled by the 'what if's', what if they get angry, ect... yes they are going to get angry from being told NO... but better for them to be in the state they stay in anyway than for you and I to be in gut knotted tizzy from wondering how to handle it..... the worst that will happen????? They won't speak to us for awhile... sounds good to me... and yes there is anxiety standing up like that, but it's only a 'feeling', can't say I was all relaxed and ready the first time I told Marie NO.... but it is getting easier..... and I am feeling so much better about myself..... I'm not ugly, just matter of fact... regardless of what I am feeling on the inside..... I just 'act as if', I've been telling her no from the begining......she doesn't quite know what is going on, but she stays mad and in a crappy mood all the time anyway, and I need to take my power back of being belittled and overwhelmed by her actions.... I love Sonny and am not going to miss out on this blessing because of her....
Think about what you want to say, in as few words as possible, say them gently, and leave the room.... you can throw up then...lol.... that's what I have been doing to Marie...after last Fri of letting her get to me, I said no more.... I don't like myself when I act like that, has nothing to do with her....
So letting you know it won't be easy, but we can do this.... Let us know if you threw up before you got out of the room.... love ya and it's time for boundries..... or you might as well move out of your own home and hire a caregiver... sorry, I'm already being abused or I'd take the job.....lol....good luck and prayers and angels to you...
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Morning all. Stormy glad dad is going to doc today..Notlike ...stay calm! I have a real hard time being calm and loving...I start out decent in the mornings and by night..am just ready to go and hide..did get outside yesterday, mowed and weedeated moms yard.. Body is paying for the weedeating.. Was worth it to get out and do something.
Ladee..kudos and lots of love! Mom doesn't have al or dementia but she asks same question over and over...know it takes longer for her to understand some things and sooo wish I could be calm about it...she says she gets it and then she asks again...arghhhhhh
Hubby just left and already wish he was here to help. He helps me to keep the peace. Lol ...I just need to do better today!
Love to all ..
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Ladee - thank you, thank you. I will first work on not throwing up while thinking of what to say. LOL
Vic-Wish your days were shorter so they'd be easier to get through. Hugs.
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Hi Everyone!!
I'm at the point where I'm ready to toss my mother in the street!! All I hear is I want to go home. I've been taking care of her since she got out of the hospital in Dec.She has early dementia and hasn't done 1 thing she's been told to do by Drs., PT and nurses. I always thought I could do this but I can't. I hoped she would go home again and not into an assisted living facility, but she doesn't take her pills correctly, she refuses to use her walker to regain her balance and refuses to stay hydrated unless I'm here forcing her to drink. She has her cat which she misses and I understand that completely, but I can't bring him here because my cat is not very kind to other cats!! We argue all the time, she gets to that angry phase and calls names, which 5 minutes later, she forgets, but it still hurts. I just want to thank you all again for being here for me to vent. My friends are great but are not going through this and unless you've gone through it, you can't relate.
Have a happy day! I'm trying to!!!
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Cindy.......what you are describing is exactly what we went through and basically are still going through with my mil......and yes, it makes you crazy and causes, as ladee says.....the "Jackie Gleason" response......"To the Moon Alice...to the Moon!".....mil lived in her own home, attached to ours for about a year and a half....she went downhill pretty rapidly...mentally that is. We placed her in a NH last Oct after a fall......for the past month she has been calling us 2 and 3 times a day demanding that we take her home......she has tried every guilty trick in the book on hubby.....doesn't work with me. Makes him sad and depressed...makes me want to get the duct tape out....:) Seriously, I feel sorry when our loved ones start that because we really don't know what memories are still in there making them homesick for their own "stuff".....thank God the dementia allows them to shortly forget. We had to put the col on a new med because we couldn't stand to see her get herself so upset.....The phone calls may have been tolerably irritating to us, but they were causing her to be agitated too much, so best to keep her sedated. Because bottom line is...she can't be in her own home. She put herself in a wheelchair and now can't get up....she never got the hang of using a walker, couldn't figure out how to work the lift chair, and even though when we had her house built I had wheelchair accessible doors built, our physical disabilities prevent us from being able to lift her. So if she can exist in a sleepy, but happy state I would much rather have her like that. I hope you do manage to have a great day.....hugs to you!
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Hey everybody I hope all is well with ya'll. Dad had his throat stretched today and came through it fine. Sis talked to his dr the one that done the procedure today and was telling him about dad coughing up the blood for several days in a row and he just told her the same thing, " Its probably irratation" and he said that everything looked fine in his throat. So here i go with a deep mental thought!!!! If everything looked fine in his throat then i guess its coming from lower down in his chest say THE LUNGS MAYBE. DUH. To me people don't just cough up blood for several days for no apparent reason. Lord let me say a prayer that i don't blow a gasket.
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Well today is not a good day for Catherine. Sitting in ER. Her breathlessness was caused by Atrial Fibrillation. 1 or 2 days in hosp. If all goes well, she'll go home with a few new med's. Lucky she hasn't had a stroke already! It wasn't easy getting her here!!! But I'm glad we did. Talked her into seeing her Dr. He sent her by ambulance to ER. Kinda sneaky, but it got her there...appreciate your prayers...keep u posted
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Well , not only do we answer questions over and over, some days we have to post over and over.... If I hadn't made a commitment to myself this morning for nothing or no one to steal my peace of mind... I would be writing things like DAMN IT, LOST THAT POST AGAIN, but since I am so peaceful today, I won't....lol
Notlike, try writing down what you want to say and practice saying it in the mirror, at least you will notice when your face starts turning green and you'll already be in the bathroom , good place to practice... but I promise you, is does get easier, for everytime you set a boundry with her you get more of your personal power back. You can send me an email of what you REALLY want to say...... hugs and angels to you, you are worth standing up for......
Vickie Vic, it is time for you to have some time off... make arrangements with your bro and have him come for a few days next time hubby is home.... none of us can do this day in and day out and stay calm, patient, and you remember when you and I was talking about saints, well, I don't remember your name being on the list... so TAKE SOME TIME OFF.... if you loose your mind who will be here to tell me to 'breathe'..... love, hugs and angels to you too....
Cindy, you know it's ok if you choose not to do this... it really is... not everyone can, and there is not shame in saying you choose not to... sounds as if she is non compliant and that makes it even harder.... at least in AL you know she will be given her meds, stay hydrated and eat when she is supposed to.... do what you need to do.... hugs and angels to you...
Jam, I was worried about you today when I heard about the bad weather...but remembered you posted on FB this morning... hope it's not a crazy spring like last year..... hugs
Seeme, hope you are over your weekend from hell.... I know you dread having her there for a few weeks, guess we'll be hearing from you more often....hugs
Stormy, don't look for problems where there isn't any..... if the Dr. thought it was something serious he would have told you so....
had, let us know how things are going ... at least she is in the hospital.... hugs...
My page is jumping all over the place so am going to go for now before I loose this again... love ya'll later.
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MIL called an hour ago....sounded fairly coherent. Busted on the dil most of the time. I think that is the major problem there. We will just have to see.

I also wanted to tell you all that I requested info about AL's in NC and SC from Aging Care, and I received a phone call in 29 min. I talked to a rep for this area, and got 3 emails from her suggestions the next day. If you need to, PLEASE use the services this site has available. And I was told about a VA benefit I had no idea my mil could receive. Yeah, Aging Care!!!
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Morning morning...I did good yesterday..one day at a time. Dad didn't seem so good but he has had a pretty good night.
Jam hope all is well in your area..
Stormy .. Glad all went well for dad.. Hope dad has better days
Hadassah..hope things get better..my mom stopped having TIAs when they figured out is was atrial fibrillation and right meds.
Seeme..you are a great dil!
Cindyeb..right ther with ya girl! Dad mumbles under his breath or raises his hand to me.. All I am trying to do is help...arghhh .... Told him yesterday if he wants to hit me to go ahead if it will make him feel better..but if not stop. I am doing the best I can.. Poor guy everything is soo much more sensitive ..emotions run high! I say he is alright and he says.lthey are not.. His body hurts cause he can't stand right back hurts when I hold him to stand straight...all his muscles not doing right cause he is sitting all day.... Oh well... Way it goes for now..
Ladee..ha trying to talk to bro is like hitting a brick wall.. Hubby called him ..he never called back.. Guess he didn't see the missed call. I have Saturday coming up. And I hope to go see my grand in April...hubby will take care of mom and dad. Best we can do for now.
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Vic, sorry things are so tough right now... and that's not good for dad to raise his hand to you, the only time my old man did that I went absolutely insane... probably said things to him I had been needing to say for years.. but you have a different relationship with your dad.... I'm sorry I can't come help... wish I was financially stable enough to travel around and give you all a break... in a perfect world that would happen.....I just feel so bad for you all that never get a break... I know how I felt when I was with Ruth, and believe me, my respect and love grew knowing ya'll that do this everyday, day in and day out.... love you all and appreicate what all you do.... have a blessed day.
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All is well Ladee Lou! In a perfect world they wouldn't suffer! Dad just frustrated and no way to let things out.. Hubs does better with him cause he can lift better. Dad is a good guy and as sweet as can be..he is only ugly when we are both frustrated with the situation... Oh well.
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Just read this article...it was dated 2/21/12, amazing!!

A woman responsible for taking care of a 95-year-old with dementia was arrested Sunday after leaving her in a car for more than two hours to gamble at a South Florida casino, police say.
According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Maria Holly, 53, was arrested after a visitor to the Seminole Casino Coconut Creek noticed the 95-year-old woman sitting in a car and called police
The elder woman, Belle Sapstein, who wasn't able to answer questions about herself because of her dementia, was uninjured, police say. She was taken to a local hospital for observation and was still listed as a patient there Monday afternoon, the newspaper says.
Surveillance video from the casino, located about 40 miles north of Miami, reportedly showed Holly driving into the parking lot at 4:49 p.m. on Sunday. An officer was dispatched at 7:07 p.m.
Though Sapstein appeared to suffer no distress from the incident, she was left alone without food, drink or a cellphone, WPTV in Palm Beach says, citing a report by a police officer responding to the call.
Holly, who says she is a licensed nurse, thought it was OK to leave the elderly woman in the car, according to the arrest report.
Broward County Circuit Judge Louis Schiff ordered Holly to be held on $6,000 bond and to have no contact with Sapstein, the TV station reports. Schiff also prohibited Holly from working as a caregiver until her criminal case is resolved.

Now, had she taken that poor woman into the casino and sat her at a machine, no one would have said a word....not often I'm at a loss for words....:)
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I know I've said this before, but this website has been the BEST thing to happen to me in a long time!! I find myself not just laughing out loud at some of the responses, but feeling sadness when I read some stories. Most of all, I thank God for this little place where I can rant and rave and know I'll have lots of company doing it right along with me! What a blessing this is!! Gentle Hugs to all!!!
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Back atcha Cindy!!!! And happy to hear you have found a place that feels "normal", but that's kinda scairy too if ya think about it...lol
Had a weird day at work, and my little Sonny man came into the living room with his pants down around his ankles, he couldn't find the bathroom that I had just taken him too... breaks my heart, and of course had to shuffle him out quickly before the Dragon Lady singed all the hair off of him with her outburst.... I feel so sorry for him when I am not there....
Anyway, another great day... trees are budding, looking a lot like spring..... hope everyone had a good day... check in so we know how ya'll are.... love and hugs...
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I had the depression and the worst ...I havent been able to eat anything today. I got my daughter ready for school then neighbor came by. My husband has had somewhat of a good day but I woke up this morning feeling dizzy N almost blacked out so I laid back down again and then got up made it to the bathroom by the time late afternoon rolled around I passed out again. This town is small right well i lost my way to the volunteer office to do my fingerprints. I have to redo app for medicaid and food stamps again. I also found out i have some follicular cysts near abouts my ovaries but they won't remove them until they are about 4 inches in diameter...how dumb is that and yet it suppose to go away...Ok i get that but they haven't gone away now or any other time I have had my menses, Then the doc laughs at me when I am developing chest hair on my chest. I said it is similar pcos and she says no I do not have that ...excuse me I have a friend with the disease. I am just tired of BSing and assumed that i know nothing ...so tired yet i work tonight....still have to do dinner .
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I feel guilty even admit to y'all that I actually had a great day today and it's my birthday 47 and still going. It's a miracle that I reached age 40 for I was on dialysis for 2yrs n now going on 10 yr post kidney transplant. However, yesterday, my creatine did go up a bit so I will get recheck within 2months and I know nothing last forever.

With that said, everyone try to take some time to yourself even if u have to go to your room for 15mints and just try to relax. I know it is easier said than done and I thought this was great of Jam to open a spot on the 'CAREGIVER' feelings and etc. I have notice this forum has helped me tremendously by knowning I'm not alone and that some of y'all r experience similar issues and the advice is great sometimes for it comes from pesonal experience and I know every situation is different. Kudos to everyone for taking on such a challenging yet sometimes rewarding job. My mnl actually told me she loved me one day and told a few people that, "she would have no idea what she would have done if it was for her daughter-n-law." she has never called me her daughter-n-law and I have been married to her son over 16 yrs and together over 18 yrs. I liked to cried when I heard her say those word. Of course, yesterday i could had strangled her. : ) It like riding a roller coaster but I know I need to remember to breathe in/out and I have to try and take care of myself for no one else is going to do it for me, at least for right now.
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Happy Birthday lildeb, and what an amazing story you have.... we are grateful for your positive outlook and thanks for sharing..... we all need to be told we are "doing good" for a change....hope you come back and visit us more often.... hope you got to do something special for you Bday... hugs to you...
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I think a good day for me with the col was when she would call me a bitch and then in the same breath say "you take such good care of me"..........do y'all remember the hunky guy on the freecreditscore.com commercial? About a week ago I realized why I thought the guy was such a cutey.....we had a flight medic that worked with us when I was still working and these two guys could be twins......just thought y'all wanted to know that and now you can sleep well tonight......
Talked with the col today and somehow she had herself convinced that she was getting an xray on her arm. Nope didn't fall...I can only figure that she overheard the staff talking and thought it was about her.

Temps in the 70's today....opened windows and doors...tomorrow night might have snow flurries...only in the midwest.

Hugs to all of our angels.......hope y'all have a peaceful night!

Happy Trails,
Jam
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Let's declare today, "It's ok day"... no matter what messes we have to clean up, no matter who asks a million questions, no matter who is ugly to us, no matter how tired and depressed we are,no matter what, just for today, or 5 minutes, it's ok....no one else is going to tell us it's ok, so we tell ourself and each other, it's ok.. we are ok, we are a wonderful group of people trying to do one of the hardest jobs on earth, with little or no pay, very little gratitude, no vacations, hurting backs, frayed nerves, little or no sleep, and isolated lives.... so .... just for today, or 5 minutes, it's ok....
Love you all, appreciate each of you for all the sacrifices you make, understand how tired you are.....and for today you are loved, hugs, and it's ok.....
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Morning! Yes it will be an "it's ok day" ! Thanks Ladee Lou!
Three appointments next week plus hair day... One for mom two for dad... Was thinking yesterday that I would have to bring dad in to waiting room with us for moms appt... Definitely not going to leave him in the car!!! Jam..would have put major dollars for bail on that woman!
Had dad on the porch yesterday..it was really pretty here. Today is windy and cloudy..geez. .... We had a decent day and dad slept all night again ...
Burned..so sorry you are not well. Wish I could help.
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Ladeeda-
Love your idea!! I think that's how we should feel every day, but we all know that might not happen. I hope to get my optimism back one of these days and hope I can make others smile and forget their problems even just for a few minutes.
Have a wonderful Hill Country Day!!! xoxoxoxo
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Thank you two so much and yes, we all had a very nice supper and even the mnl got her favorite-mac/cheese and chicken tenders. I had the prime rib and it was mmm good. ; )
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Morning Posse!

Good idea ladee..........I'll see how long I can keep that thought....does that mean it's okay to get the noose ready.....:)

Those of you to the south and east of me....please be careful and watchful today and when the weatherman says to head to the basement, please run!! We had a rainstorm move through here around 4am....

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!!!! Hugs to all.............

Happy Trails,
Jam
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Welcome newcomers!!! Cindy and lildeb.
Hope everyone is doing alright on this gloomy day. Not much going on here same old same old.
Ladee- I know I shouldn't make more out of the deal with dad coughing up the blood. It just makes me wonder.....
Well, I think we have decided that we are going to carry connor to disney world in may. Now i just have to figure out a way to tell sis. I dread it. But i got to so she can start making arrangements if she needs to be off work some that week. But i will probably be the one trying to do the scheduling for who is going to stay with dad. I already told brother i was going to need him some that week. Got that part down. I just hope sis doesn't get a case of the ass when i tell her. But hubby is pressuring me to hurry up and tell her. Lord my chest feels so heavy. But i know it will get better as soon as i walk out of this house. I just wish i could run away and never come back. Just me, hubby and connor and of course lily. Hugs stormyyy
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I am doing a lil bit better and manage to eat something. I also had my day to sleep in 2x actually been so deep down in the dumps that i almost to do that up until evening time. I got the babysitter paid off and the rent paid for this month. I am still waiting on my friend to come down this way and now they want to drive down here with 3 lil ones. I told her stick with greyhound u will get her quicker and i already wired her money...I cannot believe she would go the opposite way of handling this but I am not in charge of her life ...I just do not want the vechicle impounded and the kids taken away etc...this is the safest route for her and I know this but her husband's family has some silly ideas about the homeless riding the bus...for once I want to be listen to and I am not ...this is a bummer but yes its ok day....
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It really was ok today... got to have a calm conversation with Marie.... to make a long story short I told her she acted like she could not stand me most of the time and did she need another caregiver that didn't upset her like I appeared to be doing.... the conversation evolved into her taking responsibility for the things she's been saying... I said OK, then she said she just wants to be left alone... we talked for awhile about her physical situations and her depression... and she kept saying it wasn't me, it was her... so then I took the plunge, I told her I wasn't going to walk on eggshells anymore, that when she wants to be left alone it is her responsibility to tell me that, I also asked her if talking to Sonny and I the way she does, did it change the way she felt or did it make it worse.... she didn't answer and I let it alone..... so, I let her know I was going to start addressing the comments , did she have a problem with that??? NO.... alrighty then, we both know where we stand, and what the consequences will be, and ask her if she was alright with that, YES...
I did let her know I was sorry she felt bad all the time, that being left alone was not always the thing to do when you are depressed... and that there were times I was going to have to ask her questions.... but that I would really appreciate that she make more of a conscious effort to not be snapping at me all the time and finding fault with everything I do... you are the one unhappy Marie, not Sonny and I, and I will do anything I can to help you, but if it doesn't calm down some, I would be leaving.... I thought she was going to cry... OMG.... but I meant what I said... I am all about giving someone a million chances, but this is not what I want to be doing with my life at this stage of my life....
So Notlike, I did it, and didn't throw up, didn't raise my voice, and set the boundries... doesn't mean I won't be resilient and bend when I need to, but to be her verbal punching bag is over, starting today.....
It has taken me almost nine months to get here, I had so much going on when I first started working for her, nothing in my mind was clear at the time, so what needed to be done from the get go got put off, until today.... I talked calmly, with compassion, but also firmly and asked her if she understood what all I had said... YES, got up , got her some fresh water and went on with my day... feel like a weight has been lifted, and I am the one that had to remove it.... with Gods help of course...
It really was OK..... love ya'll, hugs and angels....
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WooHoo, Ladee.....what a wonderful way to start the day. Glad you got all that off your chest to Marie.....and I hope it does some good. I guess she did get away with it for too long, with you grieveing Ruth and everything else that went on up till now.

Got a phone call from bil this afternoon. Mil has been trying to hit his wife, knocked her pill box out of dil's hands after she straightened it all out, refused to take any pills or eat all day.....except for chocolate....all after taking a muscle relaxer that makes her nuts. Poor dil can't find those pills to take them away. Mil is threatening to fly home......but she can't get to the airport. Bil finally told her when she leaves, it will be for good....he is done. And I know this was all done at high volume as they always scream. We will get her at the end of this month. Should be interesting to say the least.

Looks like some of the bad weather will be headed our way for the early morning. Our yard sale plans have been cancelled. So was a cookout for the afternoon. So many tornadoes today.....wishing the best for all those in the way.

Welcome to all the new posters....hope we hear from you often....been too quiet here lately.........I could tell you a humiliating story about me, but I will save it for a later time when things get really boring here..............
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Ladeeda, good for you for not taking no more verbal abuse for I had to have one with mine as well a couple of months ago. I had let my mnl that we r all going through adjustment and it will take a bit of time for all of us to work together and respect each other as well. Don't know how long it will last due to memory but hey she did understand during our conversation. Breathe and enjoy while it last. ; )
Stormy, I agree with your hubby, go let your sister know so she can get her rear in gear to take her part of caretaking. You been doing it all this time and giving up yourself, time, friends and etc so can she too. Just go for it!
burnedncaringst, You have a lot going on your plate too. Try to look at it positive that you do have your rent and babysittter paid and those r two less bills to worry about for now and sometimes u just have to "Take One Step at a Time."
I am glad everyone had at least an ok day. btw, we starting to get some heavy wind tonight and suppose to get some nasty rain in morning down in GA.
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