This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Think about what you want to say, in as few words as possible, say them gently, and leave the room.... you can throw up then...lol.... that's what I have been doing to Marie...after last Fri of letting her get to me, I said no more.... I don't like myself when I act like that, has nothing to do with her....
So letting you know it won't be easy, but we can do this.... Let us know if you threw up before you got out of the room.... love ya and it's time for boundries..... or you might as well move out of your own home and hire a caregiver... sorry, I'm already being abused or I'd take the job.....lol....good luck and prayers and angels to you...
Ladee..kudos and lots of love! Mom doesn't have al or dementia but she asks same question over and over...know it takes longer for her to understand some things and sooo wish I could be calm about it...she says she gets it and then she asks again...arghhhhhh
Hubby just left and already wish he was here to help. He helps me to keep the peace. Lol ...I just need to do better today!
Love to all ..
Vic-Wish your days were shorter so they'd be easier to get through. Hugs.
I'm at the point where I'm ready to toss my mother in the street!! All I hear is I want to go home. I've been taking care of her since she got out of the hospital in Dec.She has early dementia and hasn't done 1 thing she's been told to do by Drs., PT and nurses. I always thought I could do this but I can't. I hoped she would go home again and not into an assisted living facility, but she doesn't take her pills correctly, she refuses to use her walker to regain her balance and refuses to stay hydrated unless I'm here forcing her to drink. She has her cat which she misses and I understand that completely, but I can't bring him here because my cat is not very kind to other cats!! We argue all the time, she gets to that angry phase and calls names, which 5 minutes later, she forgets, but it still hurts. I just want to thank you all again for being here for me to vent. My friends are great but are not going through this and unless you've gone through it, you can't relate.
Have a happy day! I'm trying to!!!
Notlike, try writing down what you want to say and practice saying it in the mirror, at least you will notice when your face starts turning green and you'll already be in the bathroom , good place to practice... but I promise you, is does get easier, for everytime you set a boundry with her you get more of your personal power back. You can send me an email of what you REALLY want to say...... hugs and angels to you, you are worth standing up for......
Vickie Vic, it is time for you to have some time off... make arrangements with your bro and have him come for a few days next time hubby is home.... none of us can do this day in and day out and stay calm, patient, and you remember when you and I was talking about saints, well, I don't remember your name being on the list... so TAKE SOME TIME OFF.... if you loose your mind who will be here to tell me to 'breathe'..... love, hugs and angels to you too....
Cindy, you know it's ok if you choose not to do this... it really is... not everyone can, and there is not shame in saying you choose not to... sounds as if she is non compliant and that makes it even harder.... at least in AL you know she will be given her meds, stay hydrated and eat when she is supposed to.... do what you need to do.... hugs and angels to you...
Jam, I was worried about you today when I heard about the bad weather...but remembered you posted on FB this morning... hope it's not a crazy spring like last year..... hugs
Seeme, hope you are over your weekend from hell.... I know you dread having her there for a few weeks, guess we'll be hearing from you more often....hugs
Stormy, don't look for problems where there isn't any..... if the Dr. thought it was something serious he would have told you so....
had, let us know how things are going ... at least she is in the hospital.... hugs...
My page is jumping all over the place so am going to go for now before I loose this again... love ya'll later.
I also wanted to tell you all that I requested info about AL's in NC and SC from Aging Care, and I received a phone call in 29 min. I talked to a rep for this area, and got 3 emails from her suggestions the next day. If you need to, PLEASE use the services this site has available. And I was told about a VA benefit I had no idea my mil could receive. Yeah, Aging Care!!!
Jam hope all is well in your area..
Stormy .. Glad all went well for dad.. Hope dad has better days
Hadassah..hope things get better..my mom stopped having TIAs when they figured out is was atrial fibrillation and right meds.
Seeme..you are a great dil!
Cindyeb..right ther with ya girl! Dad mumbles under his breath or raises his hand to me.. All I am trying to do is help...arghhh .... Told him yesterday if he wants to hit me to go ahead if it will make him feel better..but if not stop. I am doing the best I can.. Poor guy everything is soo much more sensitive ..emotions run high! I say he is alright and he says.lthey are not.. His body hurts cause he can't stand right back hurts when I hold him to stand straight...all his muscles not doing right cause he is sitting all day.... Oh well... Way it goes for now..
Ladee..ha trying to talk to bro is like hitting a brick wall.. Hubby called him ..he never called back.. Guess he didn't see the missed call. I have Saturday coming up. And I hope to go see my grand in April...hubby will take care of mom and dad. Best we can do for now.
A woman responsible for taking care of a 95-year-old with dementia was arrested Sunday after leaving her in a car for more than two hours to gamble at a South Florida casino, police say.
According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, Maria Holly, 53, was arrested after a visitor to the Seminole Casino Coconut Creek noticed the 95-year-old woman sitting in a car and called police
The elder woman, Belle Sapstein, who wasn't able to answer questions about herself because of her dementia, was uninjured, police say. She was taken to a local hospital for observation and was still listed as a patient there Monday afternoon, the newspaper says.
Surveillance video from the casino, located about 40 miles north of Miami, reportedly showed Holly driving into the parking lot at 4:49 p.m. on Sunday. An officer was dispatched at 7:07 p.m.
Though Sapstein appeared to suffer no distress from the incident, she was left alone without food, drink or a cellphone, WPTV in Palm Beach says, citing a report by a police officer responding to the call.
Holly, who says she is a licensed nurse, thought it was OK to leave the elderly woman in the car, according to the arrest report.
Broward County Circuit Judge Louis Schiff ordered Holly to be held on $6,000 bond and to have no contact with Sapstein, the TV station reports. Schiff also prohibited Holly from working as a caregiver until her criminal case is resolved.
Now, had she taken that poor woman into the casino and sat her at a machine, no one would have said a word....not often I'm at a loss for words....:)
Had a weird day at work, and my little Sonny man came into the living room with his pants down around his ankles, he couldn't find the bathroom that I had just taken him too... breaks my heart, and of course had to shuffle him out quickly before the Dragon Lady singed all the hair off of him with her outburst.... I feel so sorry for him when I am not there....
Anyway, another great day... trees are budding, looking a lot like spring..... hope everyone had a good day... check in so we know how ya'll are.... love and hugs...
With that said, everyone try to take some time to yourself even if u have to go to your room for 15mints and just try to relax. I know it is easier said than done and I thought this was great of Jam to open a spot on the 'CAREGIVER' feelings and etc. I have notice this forum has helped me tremendously by knowning I'm not alone and that some of y'all r experience similar issues and the advice is great sometimes for it comes from pesonal experience and I know every situation is different. Kudos to everyone for taking on such a challenging yet sometimes rewarding job. My mnl actually told me she loved me one day and told a few people that, "she would have no idea what she would have done if it was for her daughter-n-law." she has never called me her daughter-n-law and I have been married to her son over 16 yrs and together over 18 yrs. I liked to cried when I heard her say those word. Of course, yesterday i could had strangled her. : ) It like riding a roller coaster but I know I need to remember to breathe in/out and I have to try and take care of myself for no one else is going to do it for me, at least for right now.
Talked with the col today and somehow she had herself convinced that she was getting an xray on her arm. Nope didn't fall...I can only figure that she overheard the staff talking and thought it was about her.
Temps in the 70's today....opened windows and doors...tomorrow night might have snow flurries...only in the midwest.
Hugs to all of our angels.......hope y'all have a peaceful night!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Love you all, appreciate each of you for all the sacrifices you make, understand how tired you are.....and for today you are loved, hugs, and it's ok.....
Three appointments next week plus hair day... One for mom two for dad... Was thinking yesterday that I would have to bring dad in to waiting room with us for moms appt... Definitely not going to leave him in the car!!! Jam..would have put major dollars for bail on that woman!
Had dad on the porch yesterday..it was really pretty here. Today is windy and cloudy..geez. .... We had a decent day and dad slept all night again ...
Burned..so sorry you are not well. Wish I could help.
Love your idea!! I think that's how we should feel every day, but we all know that might not happen. I hope to get my optimism back one of these days and hope I can make others smile and forget their problems even just for a few minutes.
Have a wonderful Hill Country Day!!! xoxoxoxo
Good idea ladee..........I'll see how long I can keep that thought....does that mean it's okay to get the noose ready.....:)
Those of you to the south and east of me....please be careful and watchful today and when the weatherman says to head to the basement, please run!! We had a rainstorm move through here around 4am....
I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!!!! Hugs to all.............
Happy Trails,
Jam
Hope everyone is doing alright on this gloomy day. Not much going on here same old same old.
Ladee- I know I shouldn't make more out of the deal with dad coughing up the blood. It just makes me wonder.....
Well, I think we have decided that we are going to carry connor to disney world in may. Now i just have to figure out a way to tell sis. I dread it. But i got to so she can start making arrangements if she needs to be off work some that week. But i will probably be the one trying to do the scheduling for who is going to stay with dad. I already told brother i was going to need him some that week. Got that part down. I just hope sis doesn't get a case of the ass when i tell her. But hubby is pressuring me to hurry up and tell her. Lord my chest feels so heavy. But i know it will get better as soon as i walk out of this house. I just wish i could run away and never come back. Just me, hubby and connor and of course lily. Hugs stormyyy
I did let her know I was sorry she felt bad all the time, that being left alone was not always the thing to do when you are depressed... and that there were times I was going to have to ask her questions.... but that I would really appreciate that she make more of a conscious effort to not be snapping at me all the time and finding fault with everything I do... you are the one unhappy Marie, not Sonny and I, and I will do anything I can to help you, but if it doesn't calm down some, I would be leaving.... I thought she was going to cry... OMG.... but I meant what I said... I am all about giving someone a million chances, but this is not what I want to be doing with my life at this stage of my life....
So Notlike, I did it, and didn't throw up, didn't raise my voice, and set the boundries... doesn't mean I won't be resilient and bend when I need to, but to be her verbal punching bag is over, starting today.....
It has taken me almost nine months to get here, I had so much going on when I first started working for her, nothing in my mind was clear at the time, so what needed to be done from the get go got put off, until today.... I talked calmly, with compassion, but also firmly and asked her if she understood what all I had said... YES, got up , got her some fresh water and went on with my day... feel like a weight has been lifted, and I am the one that had to remove it.... with Gods help of course...
It really was OK..... love ya'll, hugs and angels....
Got a phone call from bil this afternoon. Mil has been trying to hit his wife, knocked her pill box out of dil's hands after she straightened it all out, refused to take any pills or eat all day.....except for chocolate....all after taking a muscle relaxer that makes her nuts. Poor dil can't find those pills to take them away. Mil is threatening to fly home......but she can't get to the airport. Bil finally told her when she leaves, it will be for good....he is done. And I know this was all done at high volume as they always scream. We will get her at the end of this month. Should be interesting to say the least.
Looks like some of the bad weather will be headed our way for the early morning. Our yard sale plans have been cancelled. So was a cookout for the afternoon. So many tornadoes today.....wishing the best for all those in the way.
Welcome to all the new posters....hope we hear from you often....been too quiet here lately.........I could tell you a humiliating story about me, but I will save it for a later time when things get really boring here..............
Stormy, I agree with your hubby, go let your sister know so she can get her rear in gear to take her part of caretaking. You been doing it all this time and giving up yourself, time, friends and etc so can she too. Just go for it!
burnedncaringst, You have a lot going on your plate too. Try to look at it positive that you do have your rent and babysittter paid and those r two less bills to worry about for now and sometimes u just have to "Take One Step at a Time."
I am glad everyone had at least an ok day. btw, we starting to get some heavy wind tonight and suppose to get some nasty rain in morning down in GA.