This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And yes, it was good to be able to talk to Marie and not be angry ... it's been a long time in coming... and my intentions are not to change her, but to let her know I will say something to her now when she is romping on my ass all day.... so either way, I feel better it was handled calmly and with respect....
I am praying all of you in these storms path will take care and head for cover if it gets bad....So many of you live up that way....please let us know ya'll are ok....
going to bed.... love ya'll
The cow pattie originally started with ladee.........several of us migrated from another thread on this site for reasons that will remain unsaid.....and the cow pattie was an offshoot from that.....but it was because ladee was care giving in the country and had access to seeing some bulls born.....and since her next ex-husband is the actor Gary Busey there was a contest held to name one of the little bulls and the name NOBS Busey won....and since the pasture is a good place to leave poop, the cow pattie award was born! And it's considered an honor here! Did I explain that right girls?
zazzy.....I'm glad you're going to enjoy being with us...this truly is a great website and a great thread........we have a wonderful group of loving care givers here who will give support and hugs and love and they're available 24/7........though sometimes we can get silly it sure does help when all you feel like doing is beating your head against the wall.
We had the NH start Seroquel a couple of weeks ago on the col and the phone calls have stopped. Even though the col couldn't tell us what she did 5 min earlier, I still liked to ask her what she had for dinner or if she participated in the entertainment but when she was constantly harping on coming home that just made everyone miserable. Thank goodness it has stopped. Going to see her today so will report later.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far....it's been pretty quiet in here....check in when you can....love and hugs angels!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Got 5 inches of snow here on Friday. Still wishing for spring. It's so weird to have my parents here, with Dad worrying about me driving home from work in the snow. Sweet, but weird.
Welcome to the new people. This group puts the FUN in dysfunctional! Seriously, please keep coming back. We're here for you. Hugs.
Jam-There's so much on the AC site - I like reading the articles sometimes. But this thread rocks best!
Seemee-Please be careful when MIL comes. Set those boundaries right away, eh? :)
Ladee-Blessings to you for handling Marie! You are awesome! It will be better for all of you. I've had time to think, and talk to hubby. I am going to lighten up about them cleaning. Since they're living here rent-free, let them clean all they want! That's hubby's attitude, and I think I can live with that. But I am changing my usual coming home from work line from "What did you do today?" to "What did you do for fun today?" Yup, that's me...subtle but dangerous. LOL
Huge week ahead...radiation planning and last chemo for Mom, and Dad's sleep study #2 follow up. Hubby has already agreed to pay for Dad's oxygen and C-Pap machine if Mom won't. Have I mentioned what a great guy hubby is? :)
Glad everyone is safe from the storms. Have a wonderful day.
I am so grateful that nothing is written in stone about how we handle
things, so many great ideas and suggestions on this thread and on this sight....love to have choices, always need a back up plan....
Felt good to talk to Marie, with my intention being not to change her, but to set the boundry of not walking on egg shells and that I would speak up when she is finding fault with everything I do....and that now I don't have that extra resentment and can go in there and give her care that she deserves..... she' not a bad lady, just a very selfish and unhappy one....
Hope everyone was safe this weekend from those horribe storms.... Prayers for everyone, I understand how they feel , after Hurricane Rita, it has taken years for me to get my life back together....
So, won't ask how ya'll are, you'll write when you get time... but thinking of you all... hugs
We carried connor and dad out to our family farm to fly a kite and we were able to get it really high out there today. The wind was really up. Dad sat in the truck while hubby,me and connor were out there. But dad was able to fly the kite while sitting in the truck. Well i hope all of ya'll are doing ok this weekend. take care. hugs stormyyy
All we got was some gusty wind and some rain here in GA. I felt real bad for those that lost their home and a few lives.
lildeb , yeah the cow pattie thing, been going on since the begining of the thread. A lot of cow patties have been won on here... and a few crowns... but we all have wings, of that I am sure, ones we've earned.... so you are a horse person... I love the way horses smell, they are beautiful animals, but got thrown when I was young, got hurt and was too scaired to get back on.... so I have a cat now...lol... sure happy to see you coming back and letting us know how you are....
Been a beautiful day here, but thinking of all the loss and destruction... prayers for all of them... hugs to everyone...
My mother died in Sept 2011, but we are currently in the process of trying to do something with my mil. She may end up coming here, or we will try to care for her long distance. She has not come face to face with her lack of independence. I was forced to quit work in 2007, and my mom gave us money for her care......it would have been easy to take advantage of that since she didn't remember when she did pay me, but she trusted me completely. I was lucky to have had her here. Will wait to see if mil will trust me.
Sue, lildeb, welcome.........I read so fast to catch up that I hope I didn't forget anyone. We haven't been crazy lately, but the time is coming. I feel the need to share my experiences last weekend when I was in SC checking on mil........oh, hell, why not. Let me give you all a good laugh.
My mom made me pretty much a poop queen before she died. She had a fistula, a tunnel between her bowels and the top of her vagina, so liquid stool drained all the time and keeping her clean was an all day affair. Got to where she couldn't even wipe herself, so this is a priceless story.
Last weekend hubby and I left on Friday to go to South Carolina to check up on his mom who is staying with one of his brothers. She has been having a lot of confusion due to mixing up her drugs or combining them with OTC meds. We arrived there after a 5 hr drive through torrential rains. Found out later that we were on the outskirts of a tornado that touched down about 15 min before we passed through the area in the county where my bil lives. We get to the house just fine to find mil safe and sound and ignorant of the situation. My nerves are shot. We talk to her before he, wife and kids come home from school. House is filthy, smells like cat litter according to hubby, and I have second and third thoughts about spending the night there. Then bil calls from school where he is a teacher and asks if we have power at the house cause they lost it at school. Electric lines are down. His wife is on school bus duty, but will get the 2 boys. Everyoone gets home and now we will go out to eat, if we can find a place that has power. Decision is made to go to Golden Corral.
Now sil has never been a great housekeeper. She gave carrots to the dogs and chunks are all over the carpet in the living room. Pee stains everywhere. You can't take your shoes off in the house cause you don't know what you will step on. There are birds in the kitchen and they let the cage doors open. One bird has plucked most of its feathers out.....and loses them on the floor. Can't eat at the kitchen table for all the junk on it. When she turns a burner on, the stove smokes up because of all the crap on the flat topped stove. OK, let's go out to eat!!!!
The rest. is only 4 miles from the house. Great. Mil knows her way around and what she wants to eat. Hubby buys dinner so we are not an imposition. Everyone has a good time. We leave and are waiting for bil to buy some beer at the grocery store in the shopping area. Waiting and waiting. I tell hubby I need to go home now. I suffer from IBS and don't always take kindly to rest. food. One nephew gets in the car with us and can get us in the house. Sil will wait for her hubby in her car. Fine. We head to their house and that is when I realize that the whole way home is lined with stop lights, and the speed limit ranges from 25-35 mph TOPS!!
I need to go to the bathroom NOW!!!
We pull into the driveway and I still have hope......nephew runs out of the car and tries to put the code into the garage door opener....doesn't work. Mil goes to the front door....locked, of course. Nephew jumps the fence to the back yard, goes to the back door....locked. I am standing in the front yard away from everyone, tell hubby I need to get to the bathroom NOW.... he frantically tries the code again. The 14 yr old nephew comes back around, hubby tells hin to punch the code in again..........and I shit myself!!!!! CRAP!!!! I tell hubby it is too late....I am devastated, humiliated, just beside myself, because it is like something crawled up me and died!!!!!! The code finally works and nephew ducks and runs in the house not to be seen again. I shit myself a SECOND time before I can even move, and hubby has the nerve.......THE NERVE....to tell me I stink!!!!!
We could have had the funeral right there.......cause, believe me, I sent him a look that should have killed!!!! I told him to get the damn suitcase and get it to the master bath downstairs. I walk through the house moving only from my knees on down.....my butt cheeks no longer work. I save my shoes and get a shower, but still have a big mess to clean up in the bathroom. I look under the bathroom sink and can't find a damn thing to use.......no Comet or Ajaz, no Clorox clean-up or wipes......not even Windex, much less Lysol. I tell mil to stay out of there and run to the kitchen.........nothing!!!! Hell no, they don't clean their house!!!! I found some Spic N Span wipes with the lid open,,,,,so yeah, they are dried up, but I use what I can, do the best I can, and almost left the damn rug.....who the hell would notice!?!? All this happened while bil had found someone to talk to at the grocery store. That's why it took him so long to get home, but it saved me some dignity. But I traveled 5 hrs to get there, been there on 5 hrs, and I am ready to go HOME!!!!!
That was just the beginning.......I hope you had a good laugh.......I can now, or I wouldn't tell it............and let the poop stories begin!!!!!!!!
Welcome janet......oh my goodness what a care giving life you have had! Well you have found just the place to lay your head and here you will find all the support that you need and maybe sometimes more than you want....that's because everyone here has such big hearts and are more than willing to share. We love to hear animal stories....what kind of dogs do you have? I have 4....a poodle who will be 16 in May....blind from cataracts, deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other and has to be carried outside every time she wakes up....it wouldn't be so bad except our house is a reverse 1 1/2 story so it's stairs, stairs, and more stairs......a 9 y/o chihuahua.....a 7 y/o chi/Jack Russell......yes her momma had a midnight visitor......and when we put my mil in a NH we took her dog....a 12 y/o Yorkie booboo......he is around 16lbs and doesn't look like a typical Yorkie. Oh and there is a stray cat that showed up here a couple of months ago....he/she/it likes to catch mice at the edge of the pond. I haven't seen it for several days...the last time it had come up on the deck and was hiding under the grill cover....scared the crap out of the dogs when they ran out and there it sat....and yes between the mice and the neighbors it is being well-fed.
seeme......thought I was over laughing at you but apparently not......love ya girl!
stormy......at least now everyone knows that you are taking a vacation. The only schedule to be concerned with is hubby's.....have him look and see what is convenient for him......for you....are you are birth control? If so, don't stop taking them for the 7 days you would normally...just continue them....your problem is solved.
It appears that the Seroquel is working for the col......her nurse yesterday says she is so much more settled these days.....she only tried the "take me home" once and was redirected. Target changed her ears and then sat with her during one of the "portable" church services. I stayed home and mopped floors.....such is life.......
Hugs to all of our angels today...........hope it's a good day for all of you!
Happy Trails,
Jam