This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Take care of yourself, they'll find someone else to holler at...
I finally got the cold going around, came down with it Fri. evening... woke up Sat. morning with a nasty cough... took some Muxinex and am feeling much better. So get up early, going to have my morning coffee and feel something stinging me on my feet.. I have dark green carpet, so had to get the flashlight, fire ants all over the place!!!! Guess with all the rain we've been having,they needed a place to stay.... don't know if ya'll have fireants where you live, but these things hurt when they sting.. and leave hard little blisters ..so just imagine ladee doing a jig this morning, the day AFTER St. Patty's. , and now I am bug jumpy, everytime something touches my feet I am scrambling to see what's on me.. So that's my happy Sunday news, how is everyone else today...???? will check back later... hugs
Love and prayers
Woohoo for Vic!!!!! I bet you feel so much better now....and yes, give hubby a hug for being so good to you and taking care of Dad!
So sorry to hear you have a cold ladee......I don't usually get colds...knock on wood....but I do have the allergies and right now I think I'm keeping Puffs in business!
Tax day is April 18 this year. I heard an explanation of how and why it's different but I don't remember.......hmmmmm, senior moment? I decided not to pay our accountant this year and did ours on Turbo Tax....already have our refund back and the other day we get this official looking letter from the IRS.....well crap....it turns out they are auditing our 2009 return and I have to send proof of payment of alimony. We already went through this back in 2004 when we first started paying Target's ex.....so I need to find the packet I sent them years ago. If the woman would just pay her taxes and declare the alimony as income we wouldn't have these problems. She finally remarried in 2010 so we don't have to worry about it anymore...............
Hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.............
Happy Trails,
Jam
Yes, Ladee, we have fireants around here, too. Bless your heart. I hope you weren't bitten too bad. One is enough to drive me nuts. I hear you aren't supposed to break open the blister, but that is the only way I can feel better. Kathy had to have antibiotics once from too many bites. I'd be bug jumpy, too.
No birth announcement yet.......
Went shoe shopping yesterday for walking shoes.....and BOTH shoe stores have closed up!!! Is that a sign to forget about it??? I don't want to be hard-headed about it. I mean, if I am given a sign, I shouldn't ignore it, right?? Don't have to kick me in the teeth. I did get a good lunch out of the trip.
Foggy again this morning, hubby worked all night and is sleeping, so I have to be quiet. Guess I'll look up more free books for my kindle.
Everyone have a good day...................
Vic? a nice laundry room? a ride and a nap all in one day? you must be feeling you are in heaven.
Not walking sounds like a great idea Seeme.. have you got those puppies yet? their going to want to walk.. I've started walking more than what I use too, if we're in a park where the girls have to be kept on a leash, I can't let them run, so it's walk around the block a couple of times to let that energy out that the shitzu has stored up.
April 18th? Didn't know that they had changed it, off work for a few years and haven't paid attention. Any more time out on that deck Jam? BIL got a call out of his son who is a truck driver, said that it was 80 in Chicago This winter has been about as screwed up as a winter could get.
Ladee, sorry to hear about the cold, did you get your flu shot this year? I was late in getting mine, but finally got it... had a little bit of the cold early in the year, but wasn't bad, we have fireants out where we are, we use a bag of stuff to get rid if them, sprinkle it around their hole early in the morning then add water..lol, it's worked so far.
9 days till payday and 11 days to blast off, Will be starting on the 27th to get things all packed up here in the RV, the morning of the 28th will be spent over in AZ getting a few things we need, like tags for the RV..lol.. after we get back from doing that, then it's pack up everything but maybe the bike on the trailer and get ready to pull out on the morning of he 29th, I am so looking forward to being on the road again.
We actually got some rain yesterday, so desert should be really blooming soon. All the lemon tree's here are.
Hope that everyone has a wonderful day, we're going to see Glenn's sister off, (this will more than likely be the last time we see her before we pull out) she came up the night before last, spent yesterday looking around at houses that are between 20 and 30 thousand, she's found a couple she likes. She's one of those people who are upside down in their mortgages, and she is on two houses, so before the bank kicks them out, she wants to find another place to live and be able to pay cash for, at least be able to have a payment that she and her hubby can afford..She's now getting SS and he'll be able to start getting it too next month, I think Glenn brings as much on just his VA as the both of them are going to be able to draw together.. So paying cash for something and not having anything but the taxes and utilities to worry about would be wonderful for them. Their looking at moving back here to Needles, they grew up here so have friends, know their way around and the economy like everywhere else sucks so finding homes that are fairly reasonable is easy.
Has made me start thinking about a permanent place for Glenn and I, but the biggest question is where, where we live now is great but it isn't ours.
Have a wonderful day everyone.
I told Dad to make me POW and executer of the will. When this was done, Sis wanted to know (immediately) if everything was still 50/50 split.
Recently I told my father to revise his will to read that I would get the house with everything in it and the rest would be divided 50/50. I should receive some compensation for all the years I lived my life around his needs.
The one word that doesn't seem to be part of our vocabulary is NO.... I think most of us struggle with this, so at least know you are not alone... after 10 months of working for Marie, I have finally been able to tell her NO... she is grumpy and rude, takes her frustrations out on whoever is handy. So I really do understand, as most on here will . But you have to start somewhere... taking care of yourself is very important, even if you get to go for a little walk when she has just torn you down, wore you out, and you are just sick of hearing her voice...
We are humans before we are caregivers, and we have all the feelings you shared.. we get so tired we can't think, get so overwhelmed we can't make good choices for ourself...
And no, you shouldn't be treated that way, so we need to find some ways for you to start taking baby steps to standing up for yourself... as was suggested, why hasn't your husband told her how it's going to be...??? And don't threaten to put her in a NH if you aren't going to follow thru.... threatning rarely works, especailly with what you have described about your mil...
It's about you educating yourself on how to take better care of yourself, reading books and articles about co-dependency, learning ways to stand up for yourself, if nothing else walking out of the room when it all gets to be too much... I bet you try to keep everyone happy all the time.... is this true??? And that is good to a point, but what do you do to make yourself happy.... ? the Dr. wasn't being mean, he was telling you what most caregivers hear at some point... this is why Jam started this thread, so that we could share with each other, vent, fuss about what our elder has said or done. and eventually not feel guilty....
Is there an adult day care she could go to, or will she resist that too?? The lady is in complete control over you and your home, so something has to change, and it starts with you...
Yes, it's scairy and very uncomfortable, after all, what if you UPSET someone.. bottom line, they are already upset and you had nothing to do with that...She was like that way before she lived with you. You can't change her, but you CAN change how far she can push you, say ugly things to you, and just wear you out... It's time for you to start taking care of yourself, baby steps. Nothing major, nothing earth shattering. I call it , "picking your pain". Pick the discomfort of walking out of the room when she is ranting, and deal with your feelings about it...I doubt the world will stop spinning on it's axis if you walk out of the room, the worst that is going to happen is she will escalate her behaviour to keep control over you.... so what if she's upset??? Really, think about it... a hundred years from now will it matter if she was angry or not??? NO... but you will see that you have choices and not be her target for being ugly...
Educate yourself on why you allow her to do this to you... then you will at least know you have some choices. Yes, they are uncomfortable at first, but you'll experiance some freedom and it will be worth it, you are worth it...
I know I haven't given you any concrete ways to move forward... but you are not alone, many of us struggle with this same issue....So come back and we'll try to work on this together.... this is a safe place to say how you feel, feelings aren't right or wrong, they are just feelings, it's the actions we take behind those feelings that get us into trouble with ourself... and thank you for filling us in on what ails her. You are worth the changes you may have to make... you are not alone... hugs.
Annecurry..I know how you feel, I am right there with you.
I pray everyone has the best day possible...
Sitting here drinking my morning coffee and waiting for the rain to move in....4 days of rain.....my pond will love it...I, on the other hand, am not looking forward to carrying the blind doggie outside to potty....it's a good thing she is old enough that she sleeps 20+ hours a day.
Wondering.....I understand and can sympathize with what you and your husband are experiencing.....my mil was getting to that point before we placed her in the NH....before dementia she was the sweetest thing and still had her moments, but she was getting more and more verbally nasty. One thing that people sometimes don't stop and think about is that there is no unwritten "rule" that says you have to care for someone in your home. Especially when that care is impacting all other relationships, like marriage. We tend to not want to "upset" them, so we take their abuse, it starts to creep into every part of our daily life, making us resentful of them, resentful of the person who put us in that situation and things just start to go downhill from there. Soon the dementia is going to overtake your mil to the point where she won't remember when or who she is angry with...but you will still feel the hurt and the sting from the words. You have some different options and there will be some different opinions offered to you here to help you through this.....I am an advocate for placing a loved one in a NH when necessary.....I took care of my mil for almost 2 years and she was becoming more and more too much to handle even with help coming in. Now she has the best of care 24/7.....three meals a day, snacks all day, bathed twice a week, meds given, PT when needed, and all I have to do is visit with her. The one thing I noticed quickly was that I started to enjoy her company again.....it's amazing how much better it was knowing that I didn't have to walk around smelling like poop or listening to her tell me what a good driver she was....:). Bottom line is that you don't have to take abuse from anyone, especially in your own home. A simple "no" is very empowering....come back and visit with us, we'll leave the lights on..........
It's the start of a new week and I hope a good week for everyone.....my thoughts and prayers are with all of you as you go about your care giving..........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Starri-safe travels when you do pull out!
Jane-the decline is one of the hardest things to watch. And it makes us have to re-evaluate and find new solutions for new problems. Hugs.
Stormy - 2 years, now. Hugs and blessings.
Jam-most everyone seems to like spring or summer, but I love fall. The cool, crisp nights, the colors, and knowing it will be time to hibernate soon! (There's a reason I collect teddy bears)
ASG2-sounds like your Aunt is having almost like night terrors. At least she is able to get back to sleep.
Vic-Sounds like you had a wonderful day of rest! Good for you. Good for hubby, too for helping. Let us know what Dad's blood tests show.
Ladee-Maybe if you gave the fire ants some drugs from the neighbors, they would mellow out and not bite. LOL
Wondering - Decide right now that you will survive this! You can, and you can make it better for yourself. There are wonderful people here on this site to help. You are not alone. It's not easy, and it can be a thankless job. Don't be afraid to vent. Many of us have been where you are now. Hugs.
Cmag-It can be so hard looking back. But the past is past. You are not the same person now that you were, and you've learned alot, especially about yourself. Your insights help the rest of us here, so as awful as it was, there is some good and a reason you went through what you did. Hugs.
We get Dad's C-Pap machine later today. Then All Quiet until Mom's radiation starts next week. Everybody, incluing M&D, went to lunch at my in-laws yesterday. Ah, the stories I could tell...
Smiling and having a good day. Hope you all are too.
There are things that trigger me too, hearing about a child being abused, and to this day, the rage is there...If I was on a sight about child abuse, I'd vent...
Wonder, hope some answers have helped you today... all of us pretty much said the same thing... take care of you.... it's not easy after a life time of 'pleasing' others, but it can be done... even Notlike has made a little stand with her mom.... and as I said, we are works in progress, we are better, but we haven't arrived anywhere, still plugging along and learning from each other....
I walked into work today, first words out of Marie's mouth, and I'm going to do it in caps because she was not saying it softly, " THERE IS A PAN ON THE COUNTER, DO NOT USE IT UNTIL YOU SCRUB ALL THAT GREASE OFF OF IT, SO MUCH GREASE ON THERE IT WILL START A FIRE!!!!" As ASG would say, 'blink blink, ya think'.... I hadn't even put my purse down, so in my best Texas drawl, I said, ' Draaammmmaaaa Maaaammmmaaammmaaa" ie Drama Mama....
then she did the 'blink blink'... then I said, "good morning to you too Marie".... went on about my business.....even a few short weeks ago that would have sent me into a tailspin... stuffing feelings all day, being angry and hurt, but when I talked with her recently, told her then, I was going to start coming back with something... I use humor, for me, she's not a very happy camper so that is what diffuses it for me.... of course she was grumpy all day, what else is new.... I didn't feel good with my cold, so just stayed in the 'zone' and did my work.. but two things that happened and I don't consider myself passive aggressive, but I have to wonder...
I was getting ready to go out and smoke, lit the smoke in the HOUSE !!!!! I was pumping my fat ass out that front door!!!! She never said anything, so she must not have smelled it or I never would have heard the last of it... and then, I look at the clock and start fixing lunch... alrighty, making good time, noon sharp... look at the clock again and it was only 11, !!!!!! Bwhahahahahaha, and this is after she had told me NOT to cook the noodles until I was ready to put in on the table...I didn't even tell her, just heated everything up, no complaints for lunch... so I am sure I am going to get some feedback from this from ya'll, that's what happens when you are hired as a caregiver and your mind turns to mush from being a housekeeper and verbal bullet dodger.....
conclusion, Marie is feet made of clay just like me, she chooses her ways of doing and saying things, and now so do I... so taking my power back, little peices at a time.... hope everyone had a good day. Everyone that had Dr''s appt.s let us know how things went....
Bad weather coming this evening, so may not be on the computer when it hits.... but love ya'll and just keep comin' back.... headin' toward the future...
ladee, true I didn't analyze and paralyze my venting :) When I first got on this site, I do remember a few times back around 2 years ago that on some threads I really jumped in there with both feet. I get so triggered by dominating, narcissistic, abusive mothers who treat their adult sons and daughters like little kids and could care less if it damages their marriage, plus blind them with F.O.G fear, obligation and guilt to keep them from seeing what is really going on. True, the anger over some things never completely goes away and neither do the flashbacks, but I think that I'm more in control of that anger now via therapy than I was before.
Cmag-how is your wife doing? I haven't been on the other thread in awhile. Hope all is well.
Ladee-be careful in the bad weather. Hooray for your attitude today with Marie! Much better way to spend the day. And my stand with Mom just keeps getting bigger...thanks to all of the support here.
I was so nervous about dinner yesterday, especially after the way Mom acted at Thanksgiving. She did put on her "good person" face and interacted with people. That helped. I ignored the snide comments on the way there and back. And when one of my SIL used a very descriptive word for a male-only body part, I just left the room! Figured it was better than getting glared at. I haven't heard any complaints yet from her, but dinner was just yesterday....
Dad's new C-pap is so small! I thought it would be alot bigger. Looks like it's pretty easy to run, too.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.