This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee..so glad you are letting things roll and being yourself I know you feel better at the end of the day. Hope everyone had a decent night.
Love and prayers..
We got 3 1/2 inches of rain in three hours this morning...had to detour to work from water over some of the roads... nothing bad that I've heard about, a small tornado in Medina, but a lot of lightning and thunder.... sun is out now, and it's going to be a pretty weekend, I have to move my stuff from BG's so thank goodness it will not be raining...
I forgot to tell ya'll I got to meet Marie's sister yesterday,,, I am telling you, one of them is adopted because if there were ever two people nothing alike.... and sis is in a lot worse shape than Marie, walks with a cane, and has an awesome attitude....If I could pack up Sonny and move in with Mamie (don't you love that name!) I would be in hog heaven...Her husband is 95 , has skin cancer, and is an absolute joy....If I live to a ripe old age I want to be just like them....
I was thinking today that if I am blessed to have a caregiver and not have to be warehoused in a NH, these are some things I hope I can do, if I am in my right mind...
I will appreciate who takes care of me, and I will TELL them this, I will work very hard to not take my illnesses and old age out on them, I will aplogize if I do...I will be so grateful that someone is cooking for me and scrubbing my toilet, and I will tell them this... I will not expect them to keep moving the whole time they are there, I will ask them so set down and tell me about themselves... I want to know about who is taking care of me.... and the list goes on... I know each of you may have thought about when we need care, how are we going to be different than the ones we care for now???? Just a thank you once in awhile would go a long way....a surprise day off would be so nice, with pay, or I would have made arrangements for someone else to come in for a few hours... If I am in pain, I will take my meds like I am supposed to and drink nasty prune juice so I am not bitching about being constipated...I will not nit pick the small stuff, and when I do need something done, I will try to remember how Marie is so harsh and unforgiving, and try to be just the opposite.... All of this depending on if I am still in my right mind.... by then we should have a sight for elders bitching about their caregivers..... lol... hope ya'll had a good day, more later...
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Hope you all have a day, if not a good one...
And Seeme, I'll be waiting for the rumbles... hugs to everyone..
Lildeb ...you have to get some you time ..even if it is only a few hours a week. Your mil should qualify for help through your area on aging ..is there and adult day care anywhere near? My husband stays with my parents so I can get some away time..it sucks cause we aren't together but sometimes it is the only way to get such much needed away time.
lildeb....your mother-in-law sounds so much like mine so I can greatly sympathize with what you are going through. When the col was still living here in her own home, we built her a small house attached to our house, she could still do a few things on her own but she was getting worse each day. Left on her own she would never bathe and would fix a Banquet frozen dinner for every meal...she remembered her morning meds because she knew she needed Nexium but wouldn't take her evening meds at all. Before I took over doing most everything for her, she wore the same diaper for 10 days, so no bath, can you imagine the smell? That was my first clue that something wasn't right. So the Alzheimer's is going to get worse....whether it's mild, moderate, or severe there are going to be different things to deal with every day. And as for holding conversations...well you will swear that your mil is only pretending to have Alzheimer's because of the normal conversations she will have. There will come a point where she is confused about the steps in bathing, feeding herself, dressing herself and you will need to step in. Remember that most son's are not comfortable doing those things for their mommas. That was what I dealt with here. Even though hubby/son is a physician there were certain boundaries he would not cross with his momma. We hired 2 women to come in 5 days a week from 10am to 4pm....I didn't do a bit of care giving during those times....but I still had that task in the evenings and every weekend and it was hard on me physically and mentally. I strongly suggest you get some help and get away from home when at all possible. The cost of help comes right out of mil's bank account. You don't have to pay for it. It is not possible to be a care giver and not have it impact you in some way and now is the time to make some changes to the routine...it will be easier on all of you.....remember that without you there is no care giving....save yourself first then you will be able to "save" everyone else. Hugs to you!
Swim ladee AKA Benny!!!!!!!! I know the feeling.....I'm beginning to quack like a duck.....weather radar looks like we might get a little more of the rain later today...looks like it's moving out of your area.
stormy....Dad's vitals sound good for his condition. The nurse has been in her job too long if she is that comfortable with her reaction.....or not long enough if she hasn't learned to hide her reaction. You might want to keep in mind that it's usually not normal to have blood coming from body openings, would bear having it checked out.
Hope everyone has a wonderful, DRY day.........hugs to all!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Sinus problems are driving me nuts. I hope everyone has a good day.......and that those on the edge of burnout get some time away..........please check into it.
Ftarsley, Ladee is right, a glass or two of wine helps to relax you, heck, even if it just just sparkling grape juice in a champagne glass will help. the sheer act of doing something for yourself works wonders, like the other ladies here that can, I get outside in the mornings and enjoy my coffee, haven't been doing much of that during our stays at family's, but that is fixing to end as we are hitting the road again.
Ladee, tell those flowers they have to hang around till I get there, I'll buy a thermos, we can bring coffee and just go out and sit in the middle of those flowers. Chair or no chair, just don't watch me trying to get up off the ground, it isn't a pretty sight.
Watching hubby sleep (can't help it, we're in a RV) and wondering which one of us is going to be the first to require care giving.. going to be him if he doesn't start listening to me when it comes to his health. : o ) ear infections tend to go away faster if you don't wait a frigging month to go to the doctors about them.
BSO, when do you find out about the gallstones? they've come a long way in the surgery for them. But you still have to be very careful. No lifting etc.. Hope that all are having wonderful spring days and getting to be out in the sunshine for a little while.
My horrible day started last night with finding out Mom is keeping medical things from me. Like the results of an appointment I set up for her. And once again having her not appreciate me, after an hour in 80 degree heat setting up a bird bath and feeder for her to watch.
Woke up today and I knew it was Friday, until it turned out not to be. Dropping things, crying jags, a patient with bed bugs, and my cell phone walked away by itself.
I wish I knew why I've felt like crying all day. It's not my usual response to troubles. I guess things just pile up in my heart. Ah well, keeping calm and carrying on...
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Welcome to all new posters... good place to put your feelings and get up and do this job all over again....
hugs and angels to all of you...
Sonny went to the Dr. yesterday about his BP, hope I can get a straight answer from Marie today... Sonny has declined this past winter... but as I have said before he is very social, and all she does is set in her chair and watch tv and read the paper... but he is more frail and not as steady on his feet.... makes me so very sad, I hate this disease, hate it with a passion...
Sorry some of you are having such a down time right now... wishing I could come and give you all the respite care you needed... that would be my ideal job, traveling around, helping the people I have met on here, and giving back for all you all have given me.... maybe one day.... who knows what God has planned...
Love you all, and maybe today all we can do is put one foot in front of the other...hugs
Talked to dads doc yesterday...results of bloodwork showed some inflammation ..suggesting that it is coming from marrow. Uric acid level was good... Doc suggested that we talk to hematologist when we go for his shot next week. He is sending test results over. So basically no help yet with his rigid body. I know in my head I am doing everything I can to keep dad comfortable but sure hate to see him in this shape and my heart tells me to keep pushing.
It is frustrating because he has so many things thing wrong with him but all in all not any one reason he is in the shape he is in. Mom is declining little by little but still able to take care of herself. Moving slower more back pain
I see her worry with dad as he gets confused in the day. We are feeding him more often.
Ah well.. Sucks getting old and having to depend on someone to take care of you.
Hope and pray that we all have a decent day
It's good to read from you lindy although you don't have good news to share with us and I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time! You do have the HONOR of winning the COW PATTIE for posting #6500....woohoo! The first thing we need to work on is drying up your tears....they make your face red and splotchy and stuff up your nose.....you know Mom is being taken care of because you took the time to find a great home for her...if the doctor wants to start Mom on some Zoloft then by all means do so, it's a pretty benign medication and if she hasn't been on an anti-depressant prior to this then that is a plus. The change is hard on all of you but needed to be done before you were hurt physically and Mom might have been hurt because of the need for more help. I know you will find it hard to take a step back but that is what needs to be done at this time.....as long as you are spending every hour you can with her, she will not start to acclimate herself to her new surroundings. It's time for you to concentrate on getting yourself back, spending time with your husband, and allowing Mom the chance to start making her new home her "home"....and she won't do that if she thinks there is a chance you will relent and take her back home with you. Remember that you did all of this out of love for your mother....you want the best of care for her and that shows in realizing your limitations and finding a home that will care for her properly. Stay with us and we will help you through this....hugs to you!
Welcome BS0213......selfish siblings seem to be a common denominator with care givers. And there isn't anything you can do to change the way they are. So you will probably have to look at outside help or a place for Mom until you are able to care for her. Or this could be the time for all of you to look at placing Mom. Your health should be your #1 priority....without that you can't do much caring for anyone else. Come back and visit with us and let us keep you from falling into the black hole of burn out.....
seeme.......we had lightening and thunder yesterday morning....yep that girl just walked into church....:)
ladee.....the rain should be moving away from you and we will be getting a little more today but that should be it. Hope no detours to work this morning.....
notlike.....hope Mom settles herself down....you just amaze me, you are such a good daughter and give of yourself daily and too often have it thrown right back at you.....you are very valuable to us!
Vic.....are you swimming yet? This rain should have reached you by now.....I don't want to quack alone...:) Hope things have gotten better between you and Mom....maybe it's time for you to get away for a few days.
I'm thinking of you all today and hoping for a day of peace.....sending angels to watch over you as you go about your day!
Happy Trails,
Jam
Notlike, bless your heart!!! And I thought I had a bad day yesterday!!! NOT!! You humble me. Wishing a better day for you today............
Welcome to all the new posters. Remember that a problem shared is a problem halved. We are hear for you in any way we can help.
Anyone heard from Rosella lately? She must be working hard again.
Looks like it will be another 4 months before we get puppies. Momma had a false pregnancy, so she is retired. But, the extra time will allow us to settle the mil issue and bury my parents' cremains. Maybe even take a vacation to the northeast. If I wasn't so picky about wanting an OES and would settle for a Lab, I would have had puppies by now. As it is, I will have waited 10 months........I could have given birth myself!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! NOT!!!!
The lilac bush and river birch trees grew leaves overnight. I can hear the hosta growing. May start tilling the garden this weekend if the weather holds. Life does go on............
Hope you all have a wonderful day with few problems.......hugs to all.
I am going to try and call the Area Aging Agency and see how the Respite works and the cost and discuss with the hubby. Right now he is sick with the pollen and trying to teach high school students. I also have a grandson who just got out of hospital but was sent home with an oxygen tank for his asthma due to the pollen and he is only 5yrs old. I told my son that to see if the dr thinks he is immune to his asthma meds and try a new one and to get a hepa=filter and humidifier, poor thing. Be nice I could just go over their & help them but they live in NM.
seemeride, You will be in my prayers for I lost my mom at age 58 and I know how it is to lose a mom. I hope you can find peace during this time.