This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee, good to hear from you today. Guess you proved them wrong about the alcohol withdrawal. Didn't you feel kinda good about all the crap he did considering they didn't LISTEN to you??? I would have been smiling in the background.......maybe even egging him on.
I've had a good productive day. Took mil to an ALF and she did the tour and asked pertinent questions. She would end up paying less than she takes in every month, plus she has backup money. Sounds good, doesn't it? As soon as we got out of the car, she complained that all the other residents were in wheelchairs or walkers......(like SHE needs to be!!)....and she didn't like those residents cause they weren't like the people in Maine. I reminded her how she moved around the world shen fil was in the AF and made friends everywhere she went and she could do the same here, but she didn't WANT to. Then she asked me why I didn't want to go to Maine to take the other carload of crap she thinks she has to have in Maine............and I told her I didn't WANT to...........my bad!!!! Someone better slap me till the lexapro kicks in before I lose it................
She also refuses to sign a medical power of attorney over to hubby......the only one who cares enough at this point......so that is a relief to me. When I told her while we are trying to do things out of concern for her safety and well-being, she is taking it as a control issue. She agreed, and she will never give anyone a Medical POA. Well, done with that!!!! All in all a pretty productive day!!! Can you see the sarcasm dripping from my mouth????? Better go get a kleenex..................
I'm taking Dad to the doctor tomorrow for his leg. It's not as large of a red area, but there is still a red bump that worries me. We'll see what the doctor says.
I had a good talk with my sister yesterday. For privacy's sake, I was sitting in my car in a parking lot. It's either that or the laundry room, which does not get good cell reception. I think she is starting to heal from living with Mom for so long. I'm so glad for her and the girls. Whatever having Mom here costs me, it is worth it just knowing sis is free of her.
Ladee-if you get a chance to read updates, know we are thinking of you and praying alot.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Seeme..so sorry about your mil. Pray you guys find a place for her soon.
Kim.. Double up on the Ativan or add tylenol pm or melatonin. I do the same for dad although I do get him up during the day. He doesn't cry or holler although we have other problems. Come back as often as you can to vent..
Rachel..we are here for you ..so sorry you are having such a hard time.
Notlike..Hope you get some answers for dads leg.
Ladee Lou..so glad to hear from you..you are in our prayers hope you were able to get a good night of rest. Love and prayers.
Burned.. Honey yu amaze me and we are here for you
I pray for all of us to have a sense of humor and the best day possible.
In the middle of all the chaos with my son, I get a call from Marie.... not to see how my son is or how I am doing, but wondering if I was coming to work.....!!!!!!! Not even going into the thoughts I was having.. ASG, there's not a pillow big enough to cover this one.....UH NO MARIE, I'll be back as soon as I can, I'm staying with my son for right now.... To make a long story short, talked to her daughter last night to say I would be at work today for awhile.....then go pick up son... she was mortified that her mother had called... oh well, such is life.... sometimes when we get this exhausted it can be a good thing, just don't have the energy to get mad or get indignant.....
I will be working because I am dead broke, not because Marie needs me.... I have my OWN priorites that have nothing to do with that poor selfish old lady....people make me so tired sometimes....
Hopefully over the weekend I can get caught up on here.... and see who has maintained and who is moving toward the edge, or in ASG and Seeme's case, doing some carpooling arranging.....If we didn't laugh, we'd be crying all the time...
And for environmentaly conscious folks, I do have on clean 'drawws'.....
So onward thru the fog, hope Marie is a 'good girl' today, and can't wait to see Sonny... That man is my blessing and would not miss being his caregiver for anything..... I missed him and my cat (Diva, for the new folks) oh and have to tell ya'll this, my neighbor came over to feed her while I was gone... I tell everyone Diva is not a nice cat.... she is MY cat and doesn't tolerate others very well, don't touch her, she will get aggresive... but noooooo, neighbor tried to pet her and Diva bit her !!!!! Not bad, but enough for my neighbor to say she really didn't care if the cat ate or not while I was gone..... sorry, the best laugh I had had in days......
So love an prayers for the newbies on YOU, come back and get all the love, for my friends of a million years, hope things are managable for you today.... as i said I will try to get caught up on the weekend....
Oh and Seeme, while I hated to see my son in such distress and fighting everyone, I did stand in the corner and did not try to calm him down.... it wouldn't have worked anyway.... but those two nurses were wore out when they finally got him calmed down.... I just stood there with the look of "I tried to tell you" on my face, but hell, I'm his mother, what do I know..... uh huh!!!
So, will take a deep breath, make time for prayer and guidance today, and do what needs to be done..... Starri says I am stubborn, wait until she meets my son.... LOL, it will be up to him, not me, if she gets to help..... would be nice, but she has no idea what she is volunteering for.....
Later, love ya'll and prayers for each of you today and your situations, I always have room for loving others..... hugs and angels....
Not sure but think that I am happier than you that they are taking his license, but the only problem there is will he realize that with him losing his license that he isn't suppose to be behind the wheel? Hopefully he will, for your peace of mind if for nothing else.. Will talk with you later today, was wonderful hearing your voice.
Kim welcome to the site, you've found a great place to come and talk to others that totally understand where you are. No running into tree's, ASG already has backed into one.. lol, have you thought about placement in a care facility that is use to dealing with issues like his? For your sanity and the kids, it might be the right way to go.
ASG, Seeme, Lord you two had me cracking up this morning, kinda surprised the owner of the Park didn't come by and tell me to quit laughing so loud.. I loved the aspirin Seeme. Glenn and I have a agreement that if I am being a serious B**** and it isn't called for, then he shakes a bottle of aspirin at me, I do the same for him..lol..
Did get to hear from Ladee this morning... she told me that I was in TX and should have had my butt up earlier..lol, was up at my normal 4 to 5 am, but made myself go back to sleep and my phone was in the truck..lol.. so will get to meet her this afternoon.
Wow you have been busy posting girls!!!!!! Hopefully I can keep up with everyone....trying to read. I was working in the col's house yesterday and lost track of what was going on here.
Good to read from you ladee.....and enjoyed talking with you last night. Hopefully working today will take your mind off son for just a wee, tiny bit. Maybe being reminded of how much you have neglected Marie the last few days will help...lol.
seeme........I heard a noise coming from your direction....just thought it was thunder...lol. You would think with having to spend out less money your mil would be interested in possibly moving. I want to be the negotiator when you and ASG start your col hand-off! Don't you hate it that a lot of the elderly are under the impression that a POA is simply a piece of paper designed to strip them of all independence? I hope the rest of us who know what it is really for are able to remember that when our time comes.
ASG.....the next time Aunt starts complaining hand her a pair of scissors and tell her to start cutting the weeds! You get a nice tall glass of something to drink and go sit while she cuts....if she tries to get up you can take the scissors away....but she'll have a nice view then and can't complain about the weeds....on second thought...:)
Kim....welcome to our family and hope you feel some comfort and support here. I know that constant noise level can get on your nerves real fast. Maybe Dad's doctor needs to reevaluate his meds......when the col was on Ativan she was just nuts....made her aggressive. Are you taking anything for your own anxiety? Sometimes we have to do that to get through these difficult times of care giving. Anyone that can come in and give you a hand so you can get away? That is so important and especially when there are children involved.
Rachel....hello and welcome. Give your anti-depressant time to kick in. We all want some instant results because we are so tired of being tired and stretched thin and when we finally are able to get some help for ourselves we have to find a place in the busy schedule for that. Come back and visit, you will find a lot of support here.
ede......48%? Oh, my goodness! Is Dad on a cannula or mask? Did hospice tell you not to move his O2 higher than 3L? Since you were feeling so well pre-Dad it sounds like a simple fix for the anxiety symptoms. Whatever you can do now to help yourself is what is important.
Vic....sounds like you are needing a break.....bless your heart, and I mean that in a good way!
burned....hang in there, you are doing a great job and yes, it seems like you are on an island all by yourself when you don't have immediate support to turn to. I hope your bff will follow through and lend a hand when she gets there...hugs!
notlike.....you amaze me everyday! To consider your sister's healing is such a loving thing to do......
starri.....I don't get to sing "On the Road Again"......at least for a few days. Glad you get to not move and tell those babies to move away from the cows...........
Ro....are you working? How's mom? Haven't heard from you!!!!!!!!
stormy....you're very quiet....what's up with you?
Hope everyone has a good day filled with at least a little peace........
Happy Trails,
Jam
Stormy - please listen to ASG. Disney is for you and your family. Don't let anyone spoil it. Could you take us all in your suitcase? LOL
Burned-Before hubby has surgery, really talk to your kids and explain what will happen, what you will be focused on, and how they can help. You are a good Mom, and they will want to play an important part in this. So give it to them! Washing dishes, ordering take out, cleaning the frontroom, or even just sitting quietly and making Get Well cards. Anything to occupy them, make them feel involved, and give you a break. You aren't alone in this - you have us and your children. Hugs.
Dad does have cellulitis in his leg. He got two antibiotic shots and a 10 day oral prescription. If this doesn't kick it, he will have to be admited to the hospital for IV antibiotics. I am trying not be scared. It was also scary that the doc wrote him a lower than normal dose of the pills, because his kidneys aren't very good.
I met Dad at the clinic because I was at work. When he got there, he was sweating, and shaky, and did not sound like himself. We checked all his vital signs, which were fine. He recovered, and finally told me this has happened a few times before after a nasty fight with Mom. He told me some of the things she said, making me promise not to talk to her about them. Realizing that her behavior makes him physically sick was scary. I don't know how much more he can take. Or how I'm supposed to do what's best for both my patients/parents when one is hurting (mentally) the other, and he allows it. This is so screwed up. Stopping now before I start crying.
Still thinking of you, Ladee, and sending prayers and hugs.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Re: "I hope the rest of us who know what it (POA) is really for are able to remember that when our time comes." Just letting you know that there's no reason to wait until "your time comes". My husband and I had what I call our Dead Documents done about three years ago--Healthcare and Financial POA's, wills, trusts, all that creepy stuff. I didn't want any survivors having to argue about anything after I'm gone. The POA's have already proven invaluable after hubby had three strokes last year and is in lala land now. And don't hesitate because you're concerned about situations changing along the way. The documents can be changed at any time to accommodate changes.
Today I am going to take mom to hair dresser. Will get dad in car..and we will wait on her. Think I will do the same on Sunday getting her to church. Dad and I will stay in car. There is a lady she knows that comes by here that could take her to church but she won't have it. She always has to go to the bathroom and would not want to have to inconvenience anyone else..this is why she didn't go to church last week. This other lady, I am sure, wouldn't mind. Oh well... It is all on us.
Burned..good news and lots of prayers..ASG had some good ideas to help with kids. Notlike..your poor dad...glad he got meds.. I also know abut kidneys not functioning right..dad is the same way. And you know all you can do is be there for dad to hopefully talk to you about your moms behaviour maybe it will help him physically.
Well another day.. Pray it is a good one for all. Ladee Lou..sending lots of hugs your way.
We're enjoying Giddings, it's beautiful here and peaceful. Out of all the places we've stayed at during our travels, this is one of two places we could actually consider moving too. This and Kanarriville (not sure how to spell that) Utah. It's a very small town in Utah, near Zion national park. When I say small town, lol, I mean small town, no grocery store, no gas station if I remember correctly, and I don't believe there is a restaurant either, fast food or otherwise. Giddings on the other hand, has everything you could possibly want. I love to see that they have maintained the older buildings, I haven't seen houses sitting there to rot, that seriously makes me sad, as those houses were once someone's dream.
I know you ladies understand about that home feeling, like when you get to go to your own home, or when the charges are tucked in for the night and you get a free breath. During your trails try to remember that "ahh, at last feeling" while it might not be much light, it's a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know if I shared this earlier, but I am also concerned about a business deal concerning land owned by my mother, and my two aunts that a gas company is paying for an easement through. As the spouse, according to our state law, my step-dad has to sign off with a notary on this deal which I've talked with him about, but has not signed. Being concerned that he might try with holding his signature as leverage for getting me to over ride the doctor, I called my aunt who is handling this business deal. I asked her to call my step-dad and explain this to him again and the consequences of his not signing which would mean her being taken to court and the court forcing him to sign. She made the call and learned he had just set that piece of mail aside. He did not promise to sign it, but he did promise to look at it. By the time I was finished visiting with my mother, it was his bedtime. Thus, I did not go by the house.
I went downstairs to watch a movie, and when I came up, Dad was having a nosebleed. Does it ever end? And why does it usually happen on weekend or late evenings? Probably because there is no good time for this stuff to happen. Oh well. We've got his nostil packed now, and he seems okay.
I'm tired tonight, even after a nap. Hoping it will be warm enough tomorrow to work in the yard.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.