This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And welcome to all the new posters... This is a wonderful loving and supportive place to come to, share, be supported and loved....Somehow we all know each other, and can relate on some level.... this is a hard job, no matter what.
Stormy, I am sorry you are feeling so down and trapped with your caregiving of your dad.... You have been on here long enough that we know you never want to hurt anyone feelings or rock the boat... but you and your family take that vacation.... you will never get this time back with Conner.... and sis will figure something out... or not... but you deserve this and so does your family.... I hope you take lots of pics so you can always remember this time with your son.....
Notlike, sorry things are still up in the air for you. I got so upset when I read how your mom had upset your dad so.... I am just not a sweetheart like you are, afraid I'd have to have a little set down with Mom...I will never understand how the selfish mean people of this world get away with the way they treat people... I am sorry you are in this situation... and please let us know how things are going for you....
Vickie Vic.... you sound so tired, I am really starting to get worried about you.... you never get a break either. So many of you are so young, I hate that your life is being consumed by caregiving... but I honor each of you, appreciate each of you...
ASG, you and the other young women on here amaze me... I , at your age, was entirely too selfish to be doing what you are...but please know that your humor saves us , that we can look at our own situations and find something to laugh about.... love to you....
Seeme, hope your col leaves soon. .... this is too soon after your mom to have to be in the situation of having to care for someone who appreciates nothing or no one..... prayers for you...
Have had two descent days with Marie... I think even she knows that being ugly now is really going to make her look bad.... we even talked about me planting some flowers in the yard today... sorry it took my son almost dieing for her to snap that everything is not about HER, but it has been ok to be around her..... won't look a gift horse in the mouth, and I'm sure it won't last.... but I really am too tired to put up with much of her silliness at this point....
My son is on the road to healing... this is going to be very hard for him.... but he has been given a second chance and a major wake up call, and I know that all the prayers that have been said for him has helped more than even he knows..... he is alive, and that is all I care about at this time.....
Something like this does help to get your priorties straight... so many things that were important last week before his accident, are just not important now....
And I appreciate that Starri, who I had never met,but knew from meeting her on this thread, and knew she had made a special trip to Texas , and had so much going on that I hadn't had time to meet her, her husband and her came to my rescue on the side of the road when my car broke down on the way bringing my son home from the hospital... so that is how we met each other... so never underestimate the power of friendship on this thread... just never know when we will get to meet in person, even under strange circumstances.... so a shout out to Starri and her husband for helping me get home to tend to my son... had to call someone else to come get him.... what a mess and didn't even have the energy to get mad or upset....
As a group of caregivers we are an outstanding bunch of folks.... we can do things other people never even think about... and no matter how tired we get, we do what has to be done.....so please remember to pat yourself on the back once in awhile for a job well done, and the fact that we do what we do no matter what....
So hugs and love and angels to you all... Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, love and support... at three in the morning while I would be looking at my son sleeping, and so grateful he was still alive , I thought of all of you that I love and that love me back.... and knowing that no matter what, the love was so strong that we could all do what we needed to do..... as long as we had each other... love you all, even the new posters.... we are in this together... thank God we are not alone any longer....
Am I missing something here? You are taking your son home????? They discharged him so soon with all those breaks?
I told you I lost a comment to you, and it didn't show up yet, so... I can so relate to what you're going through with your son as it relates to his alcohol abuse. My son, who is 46 now, had been drug and alcohol dependent since his early teens. Back in '96 he shot himself in the head in a drug/alcohol-induced episode. He already had cognitive issues from emotional delayed development from the drugs and alcohol, and there was additional brain damage from the bullet. He lost the use of his left arm and has a left side deficit. He can walk, but not well or safely, so he is pretty much relegated to a wheelchair. No mother should have to go through something like this with a child. I will be praying for your son's recovery, both physically and from his addiction, and I will be praying for strength and comfort for you as you watch him struggle through. You hadn't mentioned to what extent the L5 break has on his mobility. Has the seriousness of the accident caused him to want to become sober. Major cyber hugs, Ladee. If there's anything I can do, or if you want to talk, I'm here. If you want to take it more privately, alansheila@comcast.net. Luv.
Ladeelou..love and prayers coming your way mom and more thought the days... My heart breaks for your son but am thankful he gets a chance and can see though the fog enough to realize it.. At least he will have time to think about the life he almost lost.
Am tired and sad need an attitude adjustment! Oh well one day at a time and today I have an opportunity to take care of me...gonna jump on it!
Notlike hope your dad is ok today...dad startiped having more nosebleeds do to oxygen ..we needed up using a nasal spay to help stop. Last week he had several small ones because of the sinus crud he had. One day at a time and boy life is never convenient!
Party you all have the best day possible.
And I knew I was rambling this morning, let me make myself more clear about Starri's rescue..... we had been emailing so I had a rough idea when they would be pulling into town... the wreck happened and they were already here... had not got to meet them yet because I was at the hospital with son..... had talked to her on the phone, but had not met yet... we were planning on getting together this weekend....then my car broke down, I called her, and her and hubby came to my rescue.... that is how we finally got to meet, on the side of the road in Texas... but it is a beautiful drive and she did get to see more of the country side... I know they were exhausted from thier trip, but they came and helped.....
So that is why I cherish my freinds on this thread.... some of us have been here for each other during some awful times... priceless.... and a gift from God....
So, hope that cleared that up, and thanks again for the support... and to all my family here, as my own family has flown the coop, just as I knew they would....but I still have family, ya'll, and God first and foremost... so , we keep moving... it's what mama's do....
Vickie Vic, please please take this day to rest, cry, pound a pillow, pray, sleep, eat chocolate, maybe a glass of wine.... there is nothing wrong with your attitude.... except you are just too damned hard on yourself... will remind you again..... God loves you even when you aren't in love with yourself... you know I love you.... please rest today.....love and hugs....and thanks for the prayers in the midst of your own exhaustion....
Notlike....you just amaze me, are you hiding in the laundry room this morning???? love you...
cmag, sorry things are so messed up right now, guess you are being challeneged to take all your good healing to another level... other than it being upsetting, I have no doubt you will prevail because you are doing the right thing for the right reason.... prayers for you....
Need to go check on son again....hope he is sleeping... he hasn't been doing much of that..... love you all, prayers for everyone this morning.....
Had a blowup with mil this morning.....I even pounded the table and screamed at her. She prefers her "stuff" to her children. Sad situation, but my hubby now realizes it . I told him I was sorry he doesn't have the kind of mother he wishes he had.........and he said that's why he loved mine so much. I hope mine heard that............ Later mil tried to blame me for getting her upset enough to have a vertigo attack come over her...........better vertigo than a pillow..........just saying. When I told her we couldn't go out again because she had a vertigo attack, she had to eat her words. She said OK, she wasn't going to argue. I told her she can argue if she wants, but I'm not leaving the house again today...............cause I don't WANT to. There!! Take that!!!! **hands on hips and stomping my right foot**
Notlike, ASG.....sending mil on her way Tuesday. Bad part is there is no room in the car.....to much crap going north.......can't have her run out of rubberbands, batteries, bath salts, and Tylenol in vitamin bottles. Even the dog will sit on her lap the whole way north. Now hubby is planning on having room to drive, and he is ready to give that up to the next person......or two....!!!!!??!!?? He's taking the Tappanzee bridge to NY, if that helps.....one in the driver's seat and one on the console??!!!??
Vic is sailing away......a Calgon Day.....
Stormy is going to DisneyWorld and will enjoy it and be the momma that Connor needs.
Cmag...sounds like more than one issue may be brewing. Hoping you can solve the worst of the issues.
Jam.....saw the work you have done and it is beautiful. You are way more ambitious than I am!!!
Sheila...sounds like you have had your hands full for a few years. Bet you could tell some stories......
Ede, lildeb, msmiley, Starri,,,,,,hope all have a good day.
Ladee, thanks for calling, I needed to hear in your voice that you were OK. Love you.
Any ideas about other issues that may be brewing in my situation that I recently shared about? The nursing home staff are backing me up and I think the doctor related to the nursing home will too. I'm glad that my wife thought of getting my aunt who is in the middle of coordinating that business deal to contact my step-dad about signing it so that I don't have to look like the heavy in that which would keep him from using it as a bargaining chip to get my mother home by. My mother staying or not staying in the nursing home is irrelevant to signing that document. My aunt let him know that he will sign either of his own free will or by court order. The cost of going to court over this will hurt the profit from it for sure.
Ladee- First let me say that i am soo glad that your son is on the way to recovery. And i know he must be glad to be at home. Sometimes it takes someone to hit rock bottom before they realize what is really important in life. I hope this was his wake up call. The alcohol is not worth it. My brother was a alcoholic for about 25 or thirty years and one day he started going to church and went on a amazea walk(sp?) with other people that were in the church and he come back a changed man. He is so different now. He got saved and is so involved in the church. It is a blessing and so nice to have the brother i once knew years ago that was nice, sweet, and thoughtful. Went he drank he was mean and cussing and full of rage. I did not want to be around him when he was like that, he scared me sometimes. I hope for your son's sake this will change him for the better. Thank you for understanding my situation. I wish i didn't feel the way that i do. I have prayed about it but i can't seem to change how i feel. I never wanted it to come to this to where I felt anger and resentment towards everyone. I use to be sweet, caring and laid back. And now i feel i have turned into what my brother used to be. Just angry all the time. Thank you sooo much for understanding, i really appreciate it. And it means alot to know that I am not judged for how i am feeling, it's really not who i am or how i want to be. I want to be like i used to be before dad got sick and maybe one day i will be at least i hope so. I love you. stormyyy.
Ladee- It is still amazing that you and starri met like you did. Maybe it was God's way of bringing ya'll together when you needed a friend most. I like to think of it that way.
Starri- what a angel you are for helping a friend in need. I hope you and hubby are having the time of your life!!!! You deserve it sweetie!!!
Seemee- Again i can't wait to see Connor's face when he sees all the characters that he likes, Buzz lightyear, nemo, Mickey, Goofy, and all the others and then the rides!!!!! He is going to have a blast!!!! He is doing the countdown to when we are leaving. We are leaving next Saturday night about 1 or 2 in the morning so Connor will be asleep for most of the ride down there. If not i will be crazy with his constant talking. We are talking about a 9 or 10 HOUR DRIVE. Lord be with me!!!!! I love all of ya'll and if i could i would take every last one of ya'll with me. God wouldn't we have a great time!!!!! Love and Big Hugs out to ya'll. Stormyyy Girl.....
And thanks about my son... I really pray he understands how serious this is... and so far I beleive he does..... and when he says the "decsion was made for him" about not drinking anymore, what he means is that he is very aware that God has given him a chance to get his life in order..... he quit drinking for three years, and he knows 12 steps backwards and forwards, but admits he just wasn't willing...I just want my son back, the one that wasn't angry and defensive all the time.... Yes he has a tough road ahead of him..but I know him, when he wants things to change, they do....I am just grateful he is alive, we'll deal with things as they come up..... God had His hands on my son and he realizes it.... so onward.....
Seeme, bless your heart, in a good way..... I hate it that she pushed you to the point of raising your voice and pounding the table.... I know that is not you... so it must be bad.......and it was good hearing your voice too.... we can do any of this with love and support... doesn't mean we have to be happy about it, but we can do it......
Am trying to get caught up on some rest as the next months are going to be crazy.... but I am not alone and that's all that matters... so love and hugs to ya'll and I'll catch ya'll later.... love and hugs and angels....
I may have the cow pattie........maybe I won't put it in mil's mouth.......she is so full of shit already.............I will be making a big lunch for us....that should take the taste of the cow pattie away.
Stormy, hope the Easter Bunny is good to Connor...........
God bless everyone.....................................
I did get a nice day away...it was a beautiful day. Didn't want to come back. Lorraine our caregiver..had dad in bed ..was oh so nice not to have to put him in bed? Oh forgot to tell you all..on Thursday night I was getting dad ready for bed and lo and behold one of his hearing aids is missing! Have searched everywhere..and he was only in two places, his recliner and his bed. I have torn up the recliner several times and looked on floor..torn bed up ...no dice. Will keep looking but the only thing I can think of is that somehow it went into the poop of the day..I half looked for it in there but now it is thrown away...
Am going to get dad in car so we can take mom to church..will take her in and stay with dad in car til church is over. Or at least that is my plan...mom may decide not to go if we don't come in.. Will do my best to just go with the flow...
Finally got papers sorted to get taxes done for mom and dad and hubby and I! Ha! Such a procrastinator....
Love and prayers for all....
Vic...I have become convinced that there really is a hearing aid troll.....little bugger doesn't take both, just one. Never found the col's either....just poof!! it's gone.
Seeme....Cow Pattie!!!! and thank you and the job of painting everything was easy, except for the tops I just scoot around on the floor armed with my paint brush. The hardest part of upholstery is taking out the millions of staples that were already there. And I'm counting down with you......what a big heart you have to put up with your col even for such a short time.........and some people don't have a clue how beautiful pillows can be.....:)
stormy.....Bippity-Boppity Boo!!!!!! Take lots of pics so we can see the happy family..........and when you walk out the door to leave, let all your feelings of anger and resentment stay behind. This is the time to make good memories and Dad and Sis and care giving will be just fine without you and you will come home with mental peace and a happy sense of self.
ladee.....hope you managed to get some sleep. Yep God does indeed work in mysterious ways......even put a happy face on Marie for a day!
Don't know what today is going to bring here.......nothing I hope! Looks like decent weather for several days, so I think I hear the lawn mower calling my name.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day...............love and hugs sent to each of you.....
Vic-so glad you got a break! The next time we both need to get away, maybe we can put all the parents in the laundry room, and run as fast as we can. LOL And thanks for the nasal spray idea. We are also going to turn up the humidity on his C-pap. I had him not use it the last two nights, just to give his nose a rest.
Starri-What a blessing you were to Ladee! I too want to believe that you being there when she broke down, and in general, is more than just a coincidence. Ripples...we send them out, and sometimes get to see them come back. Hugs.
Ladee-how you can focus on the rest of us in the middle of what you're going through is awesome. I hope you got a few laughs catching up on the posts! My heart is in Texas now-thinking of you and sending you hugs.
Happy Easter everyone. Blessings for a good day. We've made it through the baskets here already. I still like to do those, even though my "baby" is 20 years old. Mom doesn't eat alot of candy, so I got her chips and flowers. She actually smiled, so maybe it will be a good day.
What a wonderful thing making mom smile!! It is a great day already.
Well mom decided it wasn't right for her to go to church and us sit in car...easier for me.
Austin..you are being lifted up with thoughts and prayers... Kinda feel the same here.
Yea ladee I know I am not supposed to be hard on myself..but... I know I have a lousy attitude and need an adjustment need to work on it. Don't like myself very much right now but I will work on it.
Jam..wonder which blackmore the hearing aid is in....and of course it was the hearing aid for his good ear! Keep telling mom she has to speak up to talk to dad...not working. And she wants me to look for hearing aid! Like I haven't!!! Funny how everything I try to tell her or talk to her about..she doesn't remember having the conversation..when someone else talks to her...she remembers! Selective hearing!!! Sucks
God Bless us all, and Austin sorry to hear you are in a bad place.... you are such an asset to us all, so hope your day gets better....
Notlike, a SMILE, ok, someone stole your real mom during the night right, and you aren't going to call the cops, hey, I understand...and you didn't take a pic... well of course you didn't, you never expected that,,, oh I see..... hugs to you good daughter......but I didn't know they put poison ivy in flowers, hmmmmm.
Vickie Vic, you get to have a bad attitude sometimes..... we all do, it's life and life is hard most days..... you got a little taste of 'normal' while your daughter was there and now it just sucks big time you can't have a normal life.. pick up and go see her when you want to.... I really do understand... and you are loved for being a good daughter also....
Jam, when you get done mowing, come on over here... the guy the landlady hired is always drunk..... he ran into my trailer three times last time and ran over my water line.... so seeing your shiny white legs and a floppy hat would be a nice change....
Seeme, God knows the cow pattie will come in handy today, pack it in with the rest of her stuff, along with the string, old soap bars and rubber bands.... and why does she haul this crap everywhere she goes???? Never mind, I don't want to know........
Hope you all have some kind of family day, got my head snapped off first thing this morning, so son is feeling better...lol..... guess he's pissed the Easter Bunny didn't remember where he lived....
Am just going to chill today, work tomorrow and I am sure Marie's compassion has worn off by now, so will get rest to be ready for her tomorrow.... my job is only 8 blocks from here so I can put on my body armour and come check on son..... If I wasn't so releived he's alive, I'd just have to smack him one, nothing he could do about it.... at least for awhile....lol....
Love ya'll and appreciate all of you.... couldn't do this without ya'll.... love, hugs and angels.....
Do you live with your mom? can you afford to get away for a while, even if it is 2 days in a local motel. You can deal with that brother. if he is making physical threats against you, have his ass arrested and take out a restraining order. Cook only enough food for you and your mother, do not make enough for him to even get a scrap. Tell your no good for nothing Sister that if she get her nose wrapped around some information on bipolar, she would find that not all bipolars are alike, I am a BP2, mine expresses primarily as depression, my really good days look to be normal days for everyone else, my manic days though will either wear you out from me wanting to get stuff done, or will send you running for cover from my rages. Some days I will flip from being one to being the other in just a matter of moments. or have all that going on at once, be sitting there crying and verbally rip your juggler out for wanting to help.
You need to take care of you, you need to realize that the world is not going to stop turning just because your not there, pick a day, a amount of time that you are going to leave, give them maybe a weeks warning, have your bag ready and walk out the door, let them see and get a taste of what you have been going through. I did that to my eldest brother, told him when he finally made up his mind he was coming for a visit, that I was going for a break, a three day break that ended up turning into 5, he got a face first clue as to what I did, and what assistance my younger brother was able to give, younger brother has health issues of his own.
Big Hugs Ladee, no matter how we got to meet we got to meet, God made sure that Glenn and I were able to stay out of the way of those storms, he made sure we were here in time to offer assistance. Teased my husband he got to play the knight with the shining screwdriver, although I don't believe it was all that shiny.. to many years of grease caked on. But the most important thing he did was to make sure we both were there when the other needed a hug in the worst way.
Hope that Joe is doing well, and that you are getting some much needed rest and sleep, if you need to me to check in on him tomorrow, just let me know, I can go poke my head in and see how he is doing. He seems like a great kid, I hope he's gotten the message this time, each time we don't it gets uglier..
Sent you a text, let me know if there is anything I can do for you, we missed going to Services, this morning, afraid that I wasn't up to it, instead of the HS being happy with attacking the right arm, it's now decided to share the pain with my left breast.. I know like most of you, I get sick of being sick. Hope that everyone has had a Happy Easter, mine and Glenn's has been very low key, lol, very low key, we're sitting outside under a canopy, listening to the wind though the trees, the birds chirping, and a very unhappy donkey braying., Squeek (our cat) is having a good time here, plenty of butterflys, lizards and assorted bugs for her to chase, Maggie has figured out that what ever Squeek might be chasing could be fun, so she's started chasing the cat, Claire on the other hand just sits there and watches them like their nuts..lol..
VivianMM-Welcome. Ditto to what everyone else said. So glad you found us here. You are not alone. This is the place to cry, vent, laugh, or all three at once! There are times I wish the cancer would just take my Mom. Not to ease her suffering, but to ease mine. We do know how you feel. Hugs.
Cmag-You are one of the wisest people on the planet. Truly. :)