This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Vivian-it's good you're feeling calmer. Stress eats up alot of energy, though. With what you've been going through it's no wonder you are tired. It sounds like you eat pretty healthly, so trying to get even a bit more rest or breaks might help. Maybe choose an activity or two for the week, and focus on those, not worrying if other things don't get done. Sometimes, just starting something you are planning or looking forward to can give you extra energy. Hugs.
Stormy - Awesome you are feeling better! Yeah nice doctor who gave you meds! Disney's just around the corner now. Have a great time. Hugs.
dchurch-if your friends are tired of hearing about your Mom, then they aren';t the friends you need right now. Unless they still welcome you for when you can get away from your daily life. I don't even worry about my friends burning out - this is my reality now, and they can come along for the ride or not. Don't underestimate how much your friends care, and don't deny who you are and what you are going through to please someone else. Hugs.
Jam - too funny! Hugs.
Ladee- always thinking of you. Maybe your son would like to work on puzzles - a metaphor for his life right now. :) My doorstep is always open. Hugs.
I have all kinds of things I'd like to do tonght. I plan to start with a nap.
Stormy, do you have something to tell us before you leave tomorrow???
lildeb...like everyone else said, there is nothing you can do. I hate that they are causing you worry. I have a hard headed Irish mil.
Vivian, glad you got the Anti's. Hope you feel better soon. No shame in taking something to help.
Vic...have you noticed any lessesing of the rigidity? Hope the meds help dad soon. And glad hubby is home. Loved the comment about a coloring book for Ladee's son. My mom always got us new colors and coloring book when we were sick.....but that usually meant measles, mumps, or chicken pox.
burned...hang in there, honey. You are not crazy......are you? HAHAHA Things will work out with the phone.
Austin...I'm glad you went to the meeting.....they are lucky to have you.
dchurchill....keep venting here....no where else like it. If you feel really bad, please consider going to the doctor yourself. Never know what can help......
BS0213.....I am angry for you!!!!! It must make you just want to throw in the towel and let her KIDS do the job......see how far they would get without you......makes me soooo mad. Why not just tell them?? Get it off your chest.....she is their problem, not yours......
Hubby is now in Maine with his mom. She fell on the gravel driveway as soon as she got out of the car. Third time in a week. The whole afternoon was one big cluster from the moment the car stopped, but it involved the fall, dead mice smell with no bodies to be found, wet carpet from water leak, angry tenant saying he would NOT be responsible for mil, and the list goes on.........this job is not for the feint of heart, as we all know......
May you all have a wonderful , peaceful evening and weekend........with enough sleep........aaaahhhhhhhhhhh.........later...........
BS0213-You are not in a good situation. Blessings to you - do what you need to do. Hugs.
Seeme-You are MIL free? At least for awhile, right? Have a restfull weekend.
Vivian-So what if your neighbor gets mad? I was reading the newsletter today from the Daughters of Narrisistic Mothers group. The topic was about the fact that there are times someone isn't going to be happy - either you or the other person you're dealing with. Why should it be you (or any of us)who is the one always unhappy??? Sometimes, it's better to be the happy one and let the chips fall where they may. You have been too tired to grocery shop, or entertain relatives, but this neighbor thinks you should entertain her every day? Would you do that to her? I didn't think so. So don't let her do it to you! Tell her the truth, or tell her you have a viral infection that's contageous, but make her go away! You need your rest, and some peace and quiet. Hugs.
Well, I managed to accomplish my nap, and playing on the computer. Everything else on the list will have to wait until tomorrow. If I am too old and tired to go out on Friday night and paint the town red, I'll be damned if I'll spend it doing chores! Maybe I'll make some kind of offering to those cleaning fairies so they come back here. :)
Mom didn't feel well this afternoon. She didn't tell me exactly what that meant, so I don't know if it's radiation treatment related or not. Her last one is Monday, thank goodness. SHe also has a brain scan next week and Dad has his cysto. Busy, busy.
No major blowups here lately. I hate to even type that and tempt fate. there have been some minor things that irk me...when I got home from work, they were putting a new cover on the ironing board. Now, I've owned that board for years, and used it very little. I think wrinkles are sexy LOL. And I have encouraged her to use the board because she does iron. But it would have been nice for her to mention it to me. Before I walked in on them changing the cover. I'm being petty, I know, but there's just no sense that she wants to be part of this household. She has almost no interest in doing things together, and rarely speaks to me unless it's to brag about my nieces. I've stopped wishing I had a real Mom living with me, but it still isn't easy.
To top it off, after all the planning and work being done to make the raised garden beds, now she is interested in the idea and wants to plant potatoes. Poatoes will not fit! They have to be planted right in the ground, which is the bending and kneeling we are trying to avoid! And there is only so much room in the beds - even if we didn't plant Dad's beans and tomatoes, there isn't enough room to get a whole crop of potatoes.I might tell her the soil here won't grow potatoes, just so it won't have to be anyone's fault she isn't goign to get what she wants. Argh!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows!
Welcome Olivia, and another 'ya'll ' poster is always welcome.... keep coming back and posting, God knows nothing shocks us, or makes us cringe.... caregiving is not for sissy's..... But hell think about it ladies and Cmag, what else would we be doing, hmmmm, taking trips and wasting gas and leaving carbon footprints, going to the spa and getting a massage, and then thinking that being that relaxed is how life really is, getting to eat a meal cooked FOR us, dishes done the whole gig, and then we just go home???? B O R I N G........ at least we all are aware of our blood pressure, all the aches and pains our bodies endure during the day, we don't care anymore if we make sense to 'normal' people..... and we are a damned fine bunch..... and on any given day, if we heard we aren't, then to coin a southern phrase, we'd just have to open a can of whoop ass.....
sorry I don't remember the name of the lady that her husband was talking behind her back... that's all he'd see of me, my backside heading out the door... ungrateful turds, this is not your job sweetie, and then to not even be appreciated by your husband, I'd have to give some serious thought to having a new address soon.... let us know how you are doing... we are here for you....
Notlike, oh she'd get potatoes.... I'd get a bag, and every few days bring her in a few.... just as long as she gets the dirt and seed for Dad, I'd play along.... make sure you rub some dirt on the potatoes so she'll think they came from the planters....and liked your idea about the coloring books for son, but there would have to be pictures of big boobed women to keep him interested.....
Am seeing some good insight lately from him, but am not getting my hopes up... time will be the teacher here, have been dissappointed too many times, trust takes time to rebuild...but he is healing very well, so thanks again for all the prayers and love sent our way....
Will get caught up tomorrow, and remember all the new posters.....
Am going to sleep in tomorrow... YEAH RIGHT.... anyway, love ya'll, and keep on keepin on.... hugs and angels...
'
Going to try and touch base with all of you. Sitting here waiting for the storms to finally reach us and hoping that they will decide not to take aim at us, but that may be wishful thinking! Earlier today we learned that the hospitals in KC have been contacted to make sure emergency supplies are sufficient and all area emergency management have been put on alert. We are in the 70% probability for tornadoes from 11pm to 6am.
ASG......don't know what kind of weather will come through down your way. If it has to hit our house at the lake I hope it takes the whole darn thing this time! Sounds terrible I know, but doesn't look like it will sell soon and I can't talk ladee into moving....:) Stay safe and I will be checking on you!
seeme.....Woohoo, the cow pattie is on it's way again! Did you hear any horror stories today? Hope mil is not too bruised from her fall. Enjoy your quiet time. I don't think you have said recently how the giraffe is.........any updates?
starri.....saw your post on FB about the bike ride. How's the butt tonight?
ladee......did you go rock hunting today? Hope you got some much needed rest and sleep.
dchurchill......do you think maybe it's not so much that your friends are tired of hearing you talk about your situation but that they don't know what to say? Pre-care giving, I don't think any of us had a clue what we were getting ourselves into so those that aren't doing it have no idea of what is really involved. I, for one, never in a million years envisioned myself wiping the col's butt or holding the trash can while she puked or the other things I've done. And it's okay to get angry.....it's how we deal with it that counts. Hubby is right in that we have choices but sometimes all of our good intentions just fly right out the window. That's when we have to stop and take a breath and start over.
2long.....welcome and I hope you find a home here with us. We have a lot of love and support to share and we sure like to pass it around! I know how frustrating it is to know that you have siblings that can do their fair share but won't. We make ourselves tired venting about things all the time, but if we don't do that the top of our heads will blow off so please know that it's okay for you to get things out in the open. Maybe your physician can give you a referral on a place to get counseling. If you have a local Social Services agency, they can also send you in the right direction.
stormy......is off to Bibbity-Bobbity Boo land....take lots of pics and make lots of memories, this time will never come again. Maybe when Dad told you he didn't need any help, that was his way of wishing you a good trip and to not spend your time worrying about him. He loves you and appreciates what you do for him and I bet he didn't mean it in a bad way.
burned.....hang in there girl....things can't continue to be crazy forever. Maybe when you bff gets there she can help out. Give you a little bit of a rest.
Vic.....glad to hear the meds are helping Dad. But girl, you need a break!!!!!!!!
BS.......hmmmmm so hubby likes to complain about everything you do to care for HIS mother......I'm seeing a vacation in your near future. Let him find out how hard you work to do the care giving and hopefully he will sing a different tune. If not, then perhaps he can become the care giver and you will become the "swinging single".....sending you hugs!
Vivian.....how hard would it be to get the "pain in the butt" neighbor to sit with Mom and let you get out of the house for a while? Instead of running her off perhaps it would work to your advantage to enlist her help.
Olivia....so sorry to hear about your husband. Taking care of Aunt is an awesome thing, but not at the expense of your health. How wonderful that you want to provide your Aunt with a quality life......and that comes with lots of ups and downs. You will learn to have a thick skin and there will be things that she says or does that will hurt your feelings, and even though they aren't said with malicious intent, it still hurts. You're very welcome to come here and let it all out.
cadarn......good to read from you! So sorry you are going through a tough time.....it's hard to fight off the feelings of guilt....just remember that you are showing yourself and Mom how much you do care by making sure she has the best of help. When the time comes for us to get the "phone call" I hope it's to tell us that the col has passed and not that she is ill or some other problem. I don't want her to linger in suffering.
notlike.......I really like ladee's suggestions for Mom's potatoes. It reminded me of how much trouble I had last year digging up the sweet potatoes. I also garden in raised beds. I have 3 that are 6'x10'. I didn't think I had grown anything but plants....oh contraire.......I found so many potatoes it was unbelievable. I wish Mom would speak to you better, I'm sure there are times when you are glad she doesn't. I understand your frustration and no, you're not being petty.....after all it's your house and no matter who it may be, it's not wrong to want some respect for what is yours.
CMag..........how's the man cave? Hope things are getting better with your situation.
Tonight the col is so confused.....I think Elvis is out on tour....she hasn't seen him lately.....and she forgot to go shopping for her husband (he passed in 97).
If I have left anyone out I apologize and know that it wasn't done on purpose.....sending hugs and angels to all of you....you are in my thoughts daily.
Vic-Glad Dad is more limber. Hope it keeps getting better and better. And hope you get some rest tomorrow. Hugs.
Ladee-You potato sneak, you! Might work, though...And I can't take credit for the coloring books - I thought of puzzles. I love the coloring book idea, too.
I don't know which one I'd like more - my boring old life back, or to be in Disney with Stormy and Connor!?! I love Stitch, he's my favorite.
Mom still doesn't feel well, and isn't eating much. I'm trying not to pry, just to keep an eye on her. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm not sure if she's nauseated or having bowel issues. I'm going to suggest she take her anti-nausea meds if that's the problem. But getting her to talk to me is like pulling teeth.
Dad came outside and helped with the dirt. That was good. He also fell off the back of the trailer when it tipped under his weight. That was bad. He seems alright, so we are laughing about it. I guess it's easy to tell where I got my clutziness from. Mom was a pip all the way back from the garden store. As far as I'm concerned, the garden is really for Dad. If she wants to find fault, so be it. But I HAVE to find the right bean seeds, because I am not spending all summer growing something she already said isn't good enough.
Have a friend's babyshower to go to tomorrow. And I need to make up for my lack of a nap today!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Then mom talked about her lawn. She said she is not going to water it at this late date in the autumn. She says nobody waters in the fall, it isn't healthy for the grass.
ASG, glad it was a ho hum day with Auntie, and yes, take those kids camping.... and why drag her along... the kids can scream and holler and make messes till thier little hearts are content.... and no one fussing at them....start looking for someone now to stay with her, so you can make plans for a family outing....
ASG, guess you are not going to get what you need from mom, I didn't get it from my dad, so onward we trudge... but God does put people in our lives that gives us what we need, just not always the source we expected it from... You are very respected here... and always know that.
Starri and I finally had a few hours to spend getting to know each other, hopefully if her butt isn't too sore from her ride yesterday we'll have coffee today....
Have a lot to do today before heading back to work tomorrow, a long week, but a good paycheck....
didn't go rock hunting yesterday, those rocks will still be there when I can get away from here and not worry about my son.... he is doing well, got his Workmen's Comp papers in the mail yesterday, so at least that part is being done.... He has been so blessed, and I really hope he is starting to realize it....
Hope you all have a blessed day, check in and let us know how you are, good, bad or ugly.... we are not alone... hugs and angels..
Made it through the storms okay....those people in various parts of Kansas and Oklahoma not so much.....5 people died in northern Okla.....prayers said for them.
ASG......did you look at Wheatland park? The last time we were there they had done some upkeep and I bet the kids would love to swim there. We had talked about renting the house and last Fall when I went down to refill the propane tank I mentioned that to the MFA guy and he said NO....within an hour you would have 600 replies and your house would be torn up before you know it. So we had it winterized and it will sit until it sells.
brandy I hope Mom isn't driving either. Is it possible to just take her keys without anyone seeing and then swear you don't know where they are? Sis is tempting fate by leaving the car and keys within easy reach.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day..........
Happy Trails,
Jam